Post-Adoption Crash Course

When I was pregnant with Oliver, I remember being so anxious and excited for the birth class at the hospital.  Chris was lukewarm on the idea, but to me it felt irresponsible not going.  We HAD to go or there was no way I was going to know everything I needed to know for childbirth. Or so I had convinced myself.  If you were to ask me about the class now, I'd say skip it.  Once Oliver was born I realized what I had actually needed was a class to prepare me for AFTER I delivered the baby.

The big difference in the adoption process compared with a pregnancy is that there is no delivery to prepare for.  It's not like there are classes that teach you how to fill out paperwork.  But there are still classes - required classes - that deal with post-adoption issues, the "after the delivery," these are the kind of challenges you're going to face kind of issues.  Some were pretty pointless, like the 12 hours of webinars our first agency required us to take where I learned nothing more than I had already gained from reading adoption blogs and researching Chinese history on Wikipedia.  Luckily, we were given a lot of free reign in the other trainings we took and the ones we chose ended up being very beneficial.  The Trust-Based Relational Interventions Seminar was the most eye-opening for us being so new to adoption, along with the related book,The Connected Child.  We also participated in a webinar hosted by doctor, author and fellow Minnesotan on feeding issues and again, I was so empowered by the information, I bought the host's book Love Me, Feed Me.  These classes and books have changed forever what we thought we knew about adoption.  Unlike after Oliver's birth, I feel like I have a much better idea of what we're getting into, including the understanding that the reality is going to be very different than what we think we know it's going to be like.

I didn't want the education to stop with Chris and me.  If the saying goes, "it takes a village," I wanted to make sure our village had at least a crash course on all that Chris and I have learned this last year and a half.  Taking a suggestion from a fellow adoptive mom on Facebook, I invited our social worker over to our house one evening this week to talk about expectations post-adoption with our extended family and friends. I realized that everyone is excited and anxious and wants to help, but they probably don't know how.  And I don't expect anyone to ask to borrow any of the books Chris and I read as part of our training.  They really just needed the Cliff's Notes. 

That's where Ava, our social worker, came in.  Anything coming from her carried more weight than if it had come from me.  I have read an impressive (or ridiculous) number of adoption blogs, but don't have credentials like Ava to back up anything I say.  In her hour at our house, she summarized a couple of the main post-adoption topics - attachment, food, sleep, grief - and answered questions.  In response, common questions asked by everyone gathered around our dining room table was "How do I help?" and "What is my role?" A common struggle for adoptive families is when well-meaning friends and relatives don't understand where their adoptive kids are coming from and why mom and dad need to parent these kids differently.  My friends and family were getting it though.  And all it took was a low-key meeting with a social worker who clearly loves working with families.

Although Ava repeatedly apologized for what she thought was coming across as a gloom and doom message about what to expect post-adoption, I found her message quite empowering. Yes, she talked about the challenges, but the messages I took away from the evening were all positive.  We will get through this.  Kids are resilient.  Your kids will amaze you.  All in all, I think our village will do fine.