Goodbye to my life as a stay-at-home mom

I'll just come out with my bittersweet news. I found a job. Actually, a job found me. Just when I was starting to get back into the groove of being a stay-at-home-mom, now that I have more energy and am feeling comfortable with two kids, I got a call about an open position at an organization I interviewed with some time ago. After one interview, the job was mine.

The thought of when and how to reenter the paid workforce never leaves the subconscious of those who stay home with their children. I wasn't sure when the "right" time to go back to work would be. When Chris finishes school? Simply when Soren is a little older? When the youngest enters kindergarten? Even if I had my time as a stay-at-home mom perfectly planned out, there's always that fear that I won't be able to find a job when I want to go back. What if my skills aren't considered current or employers are turned off by a large gap in my resume? So I was thankful my new boss took a chance on me. Even though my youngest isn't yet sleeping through the night, when a job offer landed in my lap, I decided it was the right time to accept.

Given the economy and, particularly, the dwindling number of jobs in the public sector, a job offer is exciting news. But like I said, it's bittersweet. Accepting means that I will have less time with my kids and the wonderful friends who've been a part of my daily life since Oliver's birth. Yes, change is scary, but at the same time it is exciting. So I'm transitioning to this next stage in my life with an open mind and am focusing on the positive aspects.  I will be getting back into my field and learning new skills at a job that will be as conducive to a work/life balance as a full-time job can offer and Oliver and Soren are able to attend a well-run daycare where they can meet other kids. 

On my own

After three weeks of help from Chris and my in-laws, on Monday I was on my own full-time with both kids. So here's a snapshot of 24 hours in the life of running a household and taking care of a toddler and newborn.

Monday, October 31, 2011

3:00 a.m. - Up to feed Soren. Soren had been sleeping in one- to two-hour increments for much of his short life, so I was shocked to look at the clock and realize I'd just gotten 3.5 hours of uniterrupted sleep.
3:45 a.m. - Back to bed. It took Soren longer to eat than usual, but maybe because he'd slept longer leading up to that feeding.
6:00 a.m. - Up again.
6:25 a.m. - Soren surprisingly fell asleep while nursing, which he doesn't typically do at thiat point in the morning. If he wakes up after 5:00 a.m. or so, it typically takes multiple attempts over an hour or hour and a half to get him to go back to sleep. I debated whether to go back to sleep myself, but Oliver was probably going to be up soon, and with both boys asleep, it was a rare opportunity for some peace and quiet. I'd gotten 6.5 hours of sleep, a little more than normal, and had only been roused from my sleep three times, so I considered that good enough. Besides, with the hormones still causing night sweating, I considered a shower a necessity, so I chose that over sleep.
6:50 a.m. - Soren was crying by the time I emerged from the bathroom. Apparently, he'd fooled me into thinking this morning was going to be different and he'd easily go back to sleep. I went into his room to feed him.
7:05 a.m. - Oliver wakes up. Soren had fallen asleep again while nursing, so I took another chance and put him in his crib so I could get Oliver ready for the day.
7:30 a.m. - Breakfast. Oliver had been moderately cooperative about getting ready, but then threw a fit when I wouldn't carry him downstairs. But by the time we got in the kitchen, his mood had changed and I was able to get oatmeal ready for the two of us and then we had a peaceful breakfast together.
7:40 a.m. - Cleaned up from breakfast. Oliver continued to be in a good mood and played semi-independently while I cleaned up the kitchen, which included tackling the mess from dinner the night before.
7:55 a.m. - Soren woke up again, so I fed him and got him dressed for the day.
8:25 a.m. - We played in Oliver's room and I lay Soren on the floor to watch his big brother play and encourage Oliver to read his little brother a book. Everyone co-existed happily until Oliver accidentally knocked a toy into Soren's head and in a nano-second, both boys were screaming. I nursed Soren to calm him down while simulatenaously trying to cuddle with Oliver.
8:35 a.m. - I hauled a basket of laundry down to the basement and threw it in the wash.
8:45 a.m. - We had a playdate at a friend's house, so I packed the diaper bag, bundled Soren up and strapped him into his car seat and prepared to whisk both boys and all our gear out the door. However, Oliver wouldn't come downstairs, let alone put on his shoes or jacket, and melted down into one of the worst tantrums he's capable of. Against doctor's orders, I carried him downstairs and eventually carried him kicking and screaming to the car where I needed to use considerable strength to strap him in. He continued to kick and scream the whole drive. Luckily Soren slept through the whole episode.
9:10 a.m. - I arrived at my friend's house emotionally drained, but was relieved Oliver calmed down when I told him he could have a snack when we got inside. I never thought I'd be one of those parents who bribes her kid with food, but there I was. Oliver was a bit emotionally needy at our friend's house, but with Soren sleeping in his car seat much of the time, I was able to pay more attention to Oliver. He otherwise enjoyed playing with the other kids and the toys and was well-behaved.
10:20 a.m. - Soren woke up from his nap needing to be fed. Then he spit up all over my shirt.
10:45 a.m. - We head home. I debated whether to try to do a "quick" errand on the way home, but since Oliver was in a good mood and had been cooperative about leaving the playdate, I didn't want to push my luck. And honestly, I was lazy. I didn't feel like unloading the double stroller and two kids and then doing it in reverse for something that should have been a five-minute visit. It ended up being a good call. Soren was still asleep when we got home and Oliver played happily and quietly by himself while I finished cleaning the kitchen, put the load of wash in the dryer and prepared our lunches.
11:20 a.m. - Lunch.
11:45 a.m. - Oliver went down a little early for his afternoon nap.
12:25 p.m. - Soren woke up, but I hold him off with a pacifier so I can edit this very blog post.
12:40 p.m. - Fed Soren
1:00 p.m. - Soren was fussy and didn't want to be held or eat anymore, so I swaddled him and hoped he'd nap, but he only doozed on and off for a half an hour.
1:30 p.m. - I heard Oliver cry, so I thought he was awake even if it didn't sound like he was ready to get up.
1:30 p.m. - Soren was wide awake, so I had him do his "tummy time" and played with him.
1:50 p.m. - Fed Soren.
1:55 p.m. - Soren fell soundly asleep in my lap. I was hesitant to move him, because I wanted him to nap, but there was plenty around the house I could be have been doing.
2:35 p.m. - Oliver cried out again and I thought for sure this time he'd be up, but again, it's quiet after a little bit.
3:15 p.m. - Oliver was up for real.
3:25 p.m. - Got Oliver's snack ready and then went upstairs to change his daiper.
3:30 p.m. - Oliver ate his snack while I fed Soren.
4:20 p.m. - Fed Soren again. Chris came home early from work because it was Halloween and Oliver also had swim lesson that night, so Chris was able to entertain Oliver while I tended to an increasingly fussy Soren.
4:45 p.m. - I left the kids home with Chris to run out to buy candy for trick-or-treaters. I came home to a napping Soren.
5:20 p.m. - We had a quick dinner of leftovers and then I got Oliver's bag ready for swim lessons.
5:45 p.m. - I fed Soren as Oliver headed out to swim lessons with his dad and Uncle Andy.
6:10 p.m. - I tried to feed Soren again, but it was clear the source of his fussiness was that he was tired, but I couldn't get him to nap in his crib, bouncy chair or even his car seat.
6:30 p.m. - Oliver came home from swim lessons early and we went trick-or-treating at a few of the neighbors' houses before bedtime.
7:00 p.m. - Tried to feed Oliver again and getting him to sleep is still unsuccessful. I was becoming increasingly frustrated, so Chris took over with the baby soothing and was eventually able to get him to sleep.
8:10 p.m. - Soren woke up from a short nap and finally wanted to eat and not just fuss.
8:30 p.m. - I don't know if Soren wore himself out in the late afternoon/early evening with his fussing and short naps, but he went right to sleep after that last feeding and I was able to transfer him to his crib.
9:30 p.m. - I went to bed.
10:50 p.m. - First middle-of-the-night feeding. His diaper leaked, so I had to change not just his diaper, but his clothes too.

Let's complain about parenting

A member of one of my parent groups posted this NPR article, Parenthood Got You Down? You're not Alone, whose author, Alan Greenblatt, writes about how tough, incredibly tough, parenting is, yet no one wants to admit it. Parents, he writes, "feel the need to extol the joy a child has brought into their lives," and "admitting that the kids are wearing you down [...] seems to be taken as some kind of statement that you don't love them." He thinks we'd feel less alone if we didn't feel the need to affirm the belief that we love everything about parenting and could just be honest with each other.

I could have written this same article about being a stay-at-home mom. While I have many friends, male and female, who are honest about the realities of being a parent, get a group of stay-at-home moms together and sometimes it sounds like everyone is towing the party line. "Being a mommy is the best job!" "Staying home with him was the best decision I ever made." "I couldn't imagine not being there for her."

We do talk about the challenges of parenting and no topic is verboten - breastfeeding, toilet training, sleep deprivation, tantrums, and sometimes even the monotany and frustration of spending your whole day with kids whose vocabularly doesn't extend much beyond "No!" and "Mine!" But to go beyond saying you wonder what you got yourself into becoming a parent and admitting you question becoming a stay-at-home mom, that conversation just doesn't happen.

Has no one else ever struggled with an identity crisis after trading career for stay-at-home parenting? Aren't there some days that make you want to scream in frustration too? Aren't you still coming to terms with the reality that being a stay-at-home is NOTHING like you thought it would be? Does no other stay-at-home mom question the reason(s) she decided to stay home in the first place? Don't you also get lonely?

I wonder if talking about these deepest darkest secrets of stay-at-home parenting can be interperted, like parenting in general, as not loving your kids. But more is at stake. Most of us stay-at-home moms today chose this path, in contrast to our grandmothers who may have not had many, or any, other options and to our own mothers, many of whom overcame societal and logstical obstacles to have careers. Having choices when it comes to families and careers is good, but I feel like we're left defending that choice, whether we chose to stay at home or continue working after having kids. To complain or admit that we're not always happy is threatening to our own strongly-held beliefs that staying home with our kids is what is "best" or "right."

Greenblatt concludes his article about parenting with:

Let's make a deal. Let's be honest with each other, or at least one friend, that there are times when the whole enterprise feels like a bad idea. Let's be less alone with this and maybe even laugh about it, putting aside for just a few minutes the earnest need always to say, omigod it's so great.

Maybe us moms can try to do the same when talking about the joys and challenges of staying home with our kids.

Limits of a Stay-at-Home Parent

I finally admitted my limits as a stay-at-home parent. When Chris was pitched the opportunity to be a part of what he described as the coolest project at his company, a project based 60+ miles/1 hour, 15 minute drive from our house, I said no. Then I said no to the second idea floated by his bosses, a position that would have required travel, but destination, frequency and duration undetermined. Chris understood my concerns, but thought either prospect could be workable if he could pin his bosses down for the exact timeline of the project or how often he'd have to travel. But I knew that no matter what the company could have promised, supposedly shorter hours to make up for the longer commute, or more vacation time to make up for extra travel, I'd be miserable if I relented. With Chris's current travel and school schedule, I feel like I had become a 24/7 stay-at-home, single parent. I simply need him home more. A lot more. And reliably more.

I had always thought that as a stay-at-home parent, I'd have it all covered. No need for daycare, nannies, housekeepers, take-out for dinner, grocery delivery services or any other services I'd read about dual-earners utilizing to keep the kids safe and occupied and the household running. Even if staying home with kids was a career sacrifice for me, the flipside was that Chris's career options would be limitless.

With my current pregnancy coinciding with the heaviest travel and work load of Chris's project in Dallas, I've humbly learned I can't do it all, 100%, all the time. Caring for a child all day, day after day, with no relief, is physically and emotionally tiring and isolating in only a way a fellow parent can understand. Acting as a single parent wears me out and makes me anxious. Most days of the week I don't have my co-parent to back me up if I wake up sick one morning, (or, well, just pregnant). I'm left to handle Oliver's bad days by myself (come on, all toddlers have their good days and bad days and they change at a moment's notice) and don't have the only other person who knows Oliver as well as I do to debate with whether the problem is an ear infection, and worthy of a doctor's visit, just teething or a bad night's sleep. I can't be two parents at once, the one who takes Oliver outside to play on a beautiful afternoon or reads him books while the other gets dinner ready, or the one who takes him somewhere fun while the other does errands. If I had any doubts about whether I couldn't just suck it up for a little while longer, I imagined life in the fall with a new baby added to the mix and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up the facade of the super-stay-at-home mom.

I still feel guilty about being the reason Chris turned down something he was really excited about. I feel like if his career stalls because no other good opportunities come along or he's unhappy with whatever he does end up working on, it'll be my fault. That's the emotional, wants-to-please, wants-to-make-everyone-happy side of me talking.

The rationale side of me knows there's no such thing as super mom and that for every decision Chris makes about school or work, it will have an impact on his family. It's reasonable to be worried that a job will be too demanding for him to have anything left to give to his family, as much as a well-intentioned and devoted to his family as he is. I'm wondering if maybe parents of young children just have to climb the "ladder" slower or make different decisions about their careers than their single or empty-nester co-workers do. And that's whether they have a stay-at-home spouse or not.

"What did you do all day?"

Okay, to be honest, Chris has never asked me that question. I'm sure he's thought it when he's come home to a grumpy kid, a grumpy wife, no dinner ready and a house dirtier than when he left it, but he's smart enough not to ask. I'll admit that the perfectionist in me harps on the fact that I still haven't managed to be the "perfect" mom and wife, (meaning spic and span house, laundry washed, folded and put away somewhere other than stacked on the couch, and nutritious dinners made from scratch that both husband and kid want to eat) but a blog entry circulating on Facebook made me reevaluate what I do accomplish (or endure) on a daily basis as a stay-at-home parent.

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22324/37661-did-do-day

Read it. It'll make you smile.