Non-Religious and Lonely in the Adoption Community

Adoption came with many surprises, one of them having nothing to do with adoption at all.  I discovered it's pretty lonely in the adoption community if you're not religious.  It really surprised me that seemingly everyone I've encountered since we started the journey to adopt has been a devout Christian.  Or maybe I'm the only agnostic, pro-choice, supporter of gay rights, vegetarian blogging about adoption and trolling the Facebook adoption groups, or so it seems.

I was relieved to find the online adoption community on Facebook, but often felt like I couldn't relate to others whose only common thread connecting them to me was that they too were in process to adopt. I felt like an outsider because God didn't call me to adopt, I didn't pray about whether a referral of a child was meant to be my son or daughter, it never occurred to me to be thankful that my children will have the opportunity to know Jesus, and my frustrations with slow-downs in the process weren't appeased by reminders of "His timeline" or that the "devil hates adoption".  With all the Bible-quoting and religious references that followed even the most mundane of questions, I sometimes felt like I couldn't speak the same language as my adoption community.

I didn't understand why the adoption community is so religious when infertility, which is blind to faith, is a top reason people chose to adopt.  Non-Christians experiencing infertility are of course still adopting, and a portion of those experiencing infertility happen to be practicing Christians. But what is drawing so many Christians to adoption otherwise? (And why are non-Christian or non-religious families not a presence in Facebook groups or in the blogosphere?) I learned that there is a movement in the Christian faith, particularly among evangelical Christians, to adopt.  The Bible asks Christians to be the "father of the fatherless" and one way to fulfill this duty is through adoption, which is not an unusual concept for those who believe that we are all adopted - by God.  Adoption also supports other evangelical Christian values, such as their pro-life beliefs, addressing global poverty and bringing Jesus Christ to the Christ-less.  Some churches even have adoption or orphan ministries and many more put on Orphan Sunday events every November.

You wouldn't think I'd feel so out of place given that Chris and I were raised Christian and have family members and friends who are church-goers.  My grandmother attends church every Sunday, my uncle is a minister and I happily accompany my dad to Friends Meeting on the rare occasions I am home visiting (and on a Sunday). But religion in my everyday life is in the background.  Outside of one of my uncle's sermons, I've never encountered anyone who quoted the Bible.  And I have friends who've joined churches because they wanted a community, not necessarily because they're religious. I still feel very connected culturally to the Quaker faith, but I no longer attend or belong to a Friends Meeting.  All in all, my religious background is simply on the opposite end of the spectrum from the evangelical Christians who make up a good portion of the adoption community.

It doesn't matter to me why others choose to adopt. In fact, I wish more people would. So I think it's awesome, regardless of one's religious beliefs, when a family adopts.  I just felt left out, and frankly, a little jealous. I don't have a church community who gets adoption, who has families like mine and who rallies behind fundraising efforts. I think that's wonderful. 

As supportive as everyone has been on this journey, I assume our friendships will never extend beyond the Internet because we won't have enough in common beyond adoption.  There's a huge adoption conference every spring in Georgia that would be totally up my alley because I'd get to hang out with adoptive parents - my community - all weekend, but I'll never go because the conference is so religion-heavy. Instead, I longingly read about the conference on everyone else's blog and see the pictures pop up in my Facebook newsfeed. 

Sometimes the Christian-dominated adoption world leaves me feeling discriminated against. Never by the other parents who have supported me through this journey, but by the adoption agencies who only accept practicing Christians (and only specific denominations at that) and by the organizations whose grants and loans to cover the exorbitant cost of adoption are only given to Christian families who belong to a church. In the eyes of these organizations, I feel like I'm less worthy as an adoptive parent.

Only after we completed our adoptions did I discover two secular Facebook adoption groups, "Secular Foster & Adoptive Parenting" and "Secular Adoptive Families." They have small memberships and are not exclusive to China adoption, so they can't guide you through the steps and issues specific to China adoption, but nonetheless, I finally felt like I had a place I could truly be myself.  If only I had known about them two years ago. 

As lonely as I have felt, I'm used to being the odd one out and doing my own thing.  With the exception of Chris' aunt, no one close to us has adopted.  So we've been forging our own path for some time now and will continue to do just fine.  I chose to write about adoption on this blog in the hope that our experience helps someone else in the process of adopting, or even inspires them to adopt.  What I never knew was that there would be a need for contributions in the adoption community from the non-religious.  If I speak up, perhaps the adoption community will be a little less lonely for others like myself.