Officially Freaking Out

We leave for China next week and I'm officially freaking out.  There's so much to do.  Bags to pack.  Everyone to prepare - kids, grandparents, our au pair.  Supplies to hunt down - special bottles and a gazillion bibs for our son with cleft palate, just to name a few.  Reams of paperwork to print out.  I'm making multiple-page lists and checking them twice. 

Amid all the business of preparing to travel, a feeling of dread sometimes creeps up on me.  Are we really flying halfway around the world to add two more children to our family?  There are moments I can't believe we're doing this.  We've waited so long and at times fought hard for this moment, yet it's really sinking in that we're changing forever what is right now a very good life. Pass me a paper bag before I start hyper-ventilating.

I'm also facing the reality that I'm going to be away from Oliver and Soren for the longest I've ever been.  I think it's hit Oliver too because multiple times a day he announces out of the blue that he's going to miss us when we're in China.  Then today he told me he's going to cry when I'm gone.  I'll one-up him on that.  I'm going to bawl my eyes out.

Then there's saying goodbye to Soren.  Sure, three weeks will go by quicker than we all think and I'll see him again.  But what I'm saying goodbye to for good is my baby.  When we come back, Soren will no longer be my little guy anymore.  There'll be two more siblings who will need snuggling.   I went through these feelings when I was pregnant with Soren, about how Oliver wasn't going to be my baby anymore.  The baby in my uterus felt like a stranger compared with the little boy I had spent the last two years with and I felt protective of Oliver. Of course now I can't imagine my life without Soren.  And yet I'm still sad, because I know relationships will change.  Once a momma's boy, Oliver latched onto Chris after Soren's birth and their bond hasn't diminished. But I still had Soren and now I feel like I'm going to be forced to let him go. 

As our departure date quickly approaches, I'm hoping I find the confidence that everything will work out.  Whatever we forget to pack we'll be able to find in China.  Whatever we forget to brief our kids' caregivers on they'll figure out on their own.  The longing and excitement I have for meeting Matteo and Kiera will wash over my feelings of nervousness and fear.  The adjustment at home won't have any challenges we can't work through without feeling like we're losing our minds. We'll find our new normal as a family of six and never look back.