Registering

Back at my 16-week appointment, the nurse at the front desk tried to give advice on the need for a registry. She was the latest, and not the last since, who was surprised or confused, and in her case, chided us for being naive enough not to think we didn't "need" to have a baby register.

For people who know that Chris and I didn't register for our wedding last year, I ask, does it surprise you we're not suddenly changing our opinion on the issue now that we have a baby on the way? It's unbelievable what kind of drama weddings stir up, so I was relieved, yet still shocked, that the lack of a registry was all that sent the in-law side of the family into a tizzy. (My dad, wisely, he thinks, stayed out of the debate at the first voicing of dismay.)

The pressure to register for a baby, I discovered, is more intense than for a wedding. The registry then was still supposedly about making it convenient for friends and family to know what you want, but traditional wedding gifts seem now like they were more about wants, like spoiling yourself and your partner with china, luxurious sheet and towel sets and kitchen ware you might or not might really ever use. Despite the lack of a registry, we received wonderful gifts and married life has progressed without missing what we didn't receive. However, when it came to having a baby, the tone changed from "How could you not want....?!" to "But you need...!" If I was made to feel weird or like an inconvenience to everyone who "loves you and just wants to be able to shower you with gifts in honor of your special day," to not register for a baby is to be made to feel like an unprepared, naive, bad mother who's not going to have the necessities for her kid. My interpretation of the reaction, dramatic yes, but judging mothers, or mothers-to-be, is also an age-old pastime, so it's easy to assume I'm being judged. (To be fair, while I felt that, as the bride, I received a disproportionate share of lack-of-registry grumblings, the disbelief at our lack of a registry for the baby seems to be directed equally at both Chris and me.)

After my wedding, my reasons for not wanting to register haven't changed, but only grown. Mainly, what would we put on it? As newbies, researching what would be needed and then deciding among the zillions of options was not something either of us was interested in. Like wedding planners, there is such a thing as a baby planner and one of this consultant's most requested tasks is to research and set up a baby registry. I think paying someone else to make a list to tell other people how they should spend their money on you is a ridiculous waste of money. Not gonna happen. And neither did the registry.

Having a baby has forced both Chris and me to reevaluate our lifestyle, our priorities, our budgets and how we want to raise our child. We concluded we don't want a lot of "stuff" and our lives feel less stressed with fewer possessions. Our home isn't large and we don't have a yard or a basement for storage, so I was actually feeling anxious about where we would fit all the new stuff for the baby. Imagining my small living room with its "open concept" plan (meaning you can see the mess from everywhere) littered with bouncy seats, activity stations, activity walkers, tummy time pillows and play mats with toys, mirrors, lights and music speakers dangling from plastic arches above-head, I panic and think, this isn't what I signed up for.

Chris and I haven't sworn off all material possessions, but the good thing about human pregnancies lasting so long is that it gives us time to process new information. In the early months, we stressed about what we would need and how much it would cost. A lot of research and talking with new parents later, we realized that there is actually a small list of things a baby "needs." Or to quote from a book written for expectant fathers,(which I read before Chris did - just wanted to see what he was being told about pregnant and crazy women) "Do you know what you really need for your newborn? Diapers, clothes, blankets and a pair of breasts to suck on. That's it! The rest are just extras....The rest will come later....For now, do as God intended."

Not exactly as I would have put it, but I was starting to see his point. Shortly afterwards, I was out for my daily walk and listening to a Pregtastic segment on baby gear and a mother of a newborn admitted that, gasp, she and her husband hadn't bothered to buy a stroller. For some reason, realizing that having a stroller isn't essential to buy before the baby is born, or even in the first few months, was like an epiphany. What other stuff did we not have to have? The feeling that we needed to have all the "essential" baby gear figured out, purchased and set up before the baby arrived had been a months-long burden and suddenly it was gone. It is one thing to prepare for something I have experience with, like a camping trip, because I already own some of the gear, I know what I need that I don't have, I know where to get it, and when I go to the store, I can talk the talk with the salesperson and not feel like an idiot. The baby world was (and still is) completely foreign to me and I don't know where to begin and my inexperience leaves me sometimes without even the right vocabulary or insight to ask the right questions. (If you haven't shopped for a car seat in the last decade, could you have thrown around phrases like "five-point harness," "EPS foam" or "LATCH system" and told me what they mean?) I vacillated between being weary with every purchase of being ripped off and the place where the baby industry wants you to be - so freaking scared you're going to be unprepared for the baby's arrival that you buy everything you think you'll possibly ever need - and then doubles of it.

After my baby gear epiphany, Chris and I did add some extra items to the bare-bones baby preparation list. The author of Baby Bargains , who was a guest on Pregtastic, and is one of the few sources I've encountered who encourages new parents not to spend a fortune on their future kids, did add that you need to think about where your baby will sleep, where you will change diapers and, how you will transport your baby safely in a vehicle,(whether it's your own, a taxi, or a friend or family member's car). We already have a crib and a dresser that will double as a changing table, but not even these are necessary to have before before the baby is born. Since we won't be able to drive home from the hospital without a car seat, we are in the process of getting one. As for the other truly necessary items, we have already acquired enough to feel like we've got a good start and for the rest, there's always Target.

Now that we actually feel like we have a handle on the needs, we have time and energy to focus on some of the wants that are fun to shop for or make life with a baby just a bit easier, like a cute coming home outfit for the baby or a baby monitor to satisfy the gadget-loving Chris.

As for the lack of registry, time and research to create one aside, Chris and I feel that as parents, we're responsible for the needs of our baby. That's not to say we don't love gifts and aren't touched by people's thoughtfulness. Receiving gifts that fall into the want category are still fun and in a way a relief, because they're often things we didn't know about, hadn't considered, or wouldn't have splurged on given other baby necessities. We've already received cool gifts for the baby from a toddler-sized Phillies t-shirt and a baby cap from Iceland to a Black Lab stuffed dog that I hope becomes our baby's favorite stuffed animal. (Until s/he starts asking, When are we going to get a real dog?) These are things that, of course, never would have been on our registry if we had one, but which we knew the baby will enjoy.