Name Impasse

Dating back to elementary school, I have tossed prospective baby names around in my head. Favorite names went in cycles, so nothing in particular stands out. It was just a fun subconscious game my mind played as it daydreamed, as if it were tucking names away in a special file. I thought finally being able to name my own child would be one of the best parts, maybe even the best part, about having a baby. Of course in my own little fantasy world, my partner wanting to have a say in the matter, was never an issue. And I could get away with being indecisive. I didn't worry about picking a name that was too old-fashioned or too fashionable, or would someday be tarnished by sharing a name with a devastating hurricane, a criminal or with someone who had engaged in illicit relations with a high-ranking political figure. Maybe it's good that I never had my heart set on a certain name, because theoretically it suggests I'm being open-minded, but now that Chris and I are discussing names and the permanency of our decision looms over me, I can't even decide one what my favorite names are - just that they're not what Chris is suggesting.

The spreadsheet of names Chris and I started very soon after I found out I was pregnant, has been growing. From that mental list of names I had mulled over for years, I was able to compile a huge list from the start and as I queried people on their favorite names or came across one from a random source, a few more were added. Then weeks went by when neither of us even looked at it. Every so often, one of us would randomly ask the other what the top contenders were. But the question was never really about the other's opinion - it was just a desperate attempt to see if one had read the other's mind and this whole naming process could thus be decided and done.

With a mild-mannered temperament, few things agitate Chris, and he's been pretty chill throughout my pregnancy. Sometimes, he's a bit too chill though. If I hadn't scheduled my doctor's appointments, signed us up for classes, (just last night he learned that he will be spending next Thursday evening in a two-and-a-half hour class on breastfeeding) and scouted garage sales and consignment shops for supplies for the baby, I wonder how much would have been accomplished to date. Then again, with my indecisiveness, this baby might have been left to come into this world without a name. Despite how much planning and work I've done in anticipation of the baby's arrival, deciding on names has suddenly become an issue I'm treating as if I just keep putting off, it will take care of itself. However, this important item on our to-do list has clearly been bothering Chris, because one night he suddenly declared that we were going to decide on names. He actually seemed distressed.

Picking a name randomly from our list, agreeing to let one of us name the first kid and the other the second, or letting Chris name it if it's a boy and me if it's a girl - all suggestions I've read about - were nothing I was ever going to agree to, because it amounted to giving up control. I'm admittedly too stubborn for that. Rather, raised in the Quaker tradition of consensus, I was determined to reach a compromise, and a compromise both of us could get excited about. So I suggested that we each write down our five favorite names for each sex, and then we traded our pieces of paper. Although I had hoped there would be some matches, it was not surprising in hindsight that this plan backfired. All my favorites were names I had added to the master list, while the names on Chris's piece of paper were names he had originally typed in. I was lacking a good Plan B suggestion. We finally resorted to picking our next five favorite names, but this tactic quickly lost steam. What's the point of giving our kid a 10th pick name, Chris asked? Then Chris suggested that he could try to stall until I have given birth, at which point I'll be too exhausted to care and he'll get his top pick. This is really not turning out to be as fun as I thought it would be.

Despite how difficult we are finding it to decide on names, we should be thankful we have the liberty of even making our own decision with no pressure from family members or a naming tradition to follow. (I once dated an Orville IV whose family assumed the name would be passed on. He liked the idea. We broke up, but not over naming rights, really.)

My grandmother's parents didn't have the option of choosing her name. When her paternal grandmother was told her daughter-in-law had given birth to a girl, she informed the doctor of what the baby's first and middle names would be. The first name happened to be something my poor great-grandmother despised (and my grandmother would grow up to hate) and my grandmother has gone by her middle name ever since. I still can't get over the injustice of not being able to name your own child. My grandmother says that is just how things were done in those days. But hadn't my great-grandmother earned the right to name what would be her only child after the pain and suffering of carrying a baby and delivering it without pain medication?