Cancer, Fear and Survivor's Guilt

A good friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  A young mom, healthy, no history of cancer, no risk factors and too young for a mammogram. Her only clue was the lump in her breast. I tried to make sense of how a healthy, athletic, young woman could be facing cancer. Could she really be sick?

Her prognosis didn't look good from the outset.  Every doctors appointment she went to the news got worse and worse to the point that I thought the only way for the bad news to stop coming was for her to stop going to the doctor.

Knowing that she'd already shed too many tears over the unfairness of this diagnosis, I remained composed, but inside, I feared for a future without her. I tried to not let my mind go there though, thinking about the possibility of losing a friend. Worse, was thinking about her husband losing his wife and her children losing their mom. That absolutely can't happen, I thought, even as I knew how helpless I was against my worst fear being realized. 

After spending a long time in denial about how serious my friend's breast cancer could really be, I started to brace myself for a Stage 4 diagnosis, the stage that more people die from than survive.   When she was finally diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer, I was actually relieved.  My friend is incredibly strong, but after hearing "stage 3," I felt like cancer was finally giving her a fair fight.  

While I'm thankful my friend's doctors are able to "treat to cure," I'm learning that cancer takes every last piece of dignity and joy from you even if it lets you survive.  Now that we've finished bearing children, this is finally the time we're supposed to get our bodies back, enjoy more "me" time and devote more time to interests outside our children.  We make resolutions to lose the last of the baby weight and ditch the yoga pants in favor of something that reminds us that we used to have some style before we had kids.  We splurge on good haircuts because we want to enjoy it now before our hair goes completely grey.  With no more maternity leaves to plan for, we look forward to finally pushing ahead in our careers.  Cancer takes that all away.  The drugs that save your life take away your hair, cause you to gain weight, mess with your appetite and make you miserable with nausea.  Going to the grocery store, hanging out with friends or even receiving kisses from your own children could cause complications with your weakened immune system and delay treatment.   

I'm bracing myself for the reality of what will be a long and difficult course of treatment for my friend. There are moments when I'm honestly scared for the unknown in the world of cancer that is so new to me, scared of seeing my friend's health get worse before it can get better, scared of how our friendship will be tested, and scared of whether I'm strong enough.