Thoughts on Adopting Two

Adopting two unrelated children is so controversial in the adoption world that many agencies don't allow it and even some of those that do only allow it under special circumstances, such as in the case where two children were raised in the same orphanage or foster family.  Opponents of two at once claim that this scenario raises the chance of disruption; (meaning, not going through with the adoption in-country or placing the child for adoption once home) although, our first agency, which had a rule against adopting two at once, couldn't provide any data or research supporting their stance.  Other reasons include the belief that adoptive parents can't adequately meet the needs (emotional, time, medical) of two newly-adopted children, or might favor the "easier" child over the more "difficult" child.  And there's the idea that every child, especially one from difficult background, deserves to be the center of attention as the newest member of the family. I think these are important issues to consider and adopting two unrelated children shouldn't be taken lightly, but I don't think we can make a blanket statement that adopting two at once is a bad choice.

Why did we decide to do it despite the controversy? The simple answer is that we wanted four children.  We had two children already, so when we decided to adopt, two more instead of one more felt right.  That’s just honestly where my heart was. Plus we thought it would be a benefit to our children to be adopted at the same time since they would have a shared background and they would have each other through the transition.  And since there wouldn't be a second adoption, we wouldn't have to make the tough decision about when is a good time to leave behind a child still relatively new to the family to adopt another child. 

The more complicated reasons are ones that are unpopular admissions in the adoption community.  We wanted two more children, but did we did not think we could go through with a second adoption down the line, and it was cheaper to adopt two at once than to adopt two separately.  Admitting this has prompted knee-jerk reactions from a few adoptive parents who have accused me of treating human beings like a commodity or have implied we are weak for being fearful of a second adoption process or not willing to make what they think is the required sacrifice.

The reality of our adoption process was that it was long, unpredictable and emotionally-draining. It was taking its toll on my sanity as I tried to stay on top of the paperwork and track the next steps in the process and avoid unnecessary delays.  Even when unavoidable delays happened, I still felt like a failure.  Managing the process and obsessing over planning for the future left less time for the family I already had and that made me sad.  As unlikely as it would be for a “stable” adoption program like China's, I still worried that without notice, China would suddenly say no to our request to adopt or would shut down the whole program has happened in Russia, Vietnam, Guatemala and many other countries. Even if we completed one adoption from China, there was no guarantee we'd be able to adopt from China again in the future.  I saw enough changes in the 20 months we were in process to question whether anyone could predict what the program will look like in the near future.  Even if Chris and I mustered the stamina to pursue another adoption, I don't know if my in-laws could do it.  The reality is that we wouldn't have been able to adopt if my in-laws hadn't taken care of Oliver and Soren.  It was a lot to ask of them to take care of two young children for over three weeks while we were 14 time zones away.  I didn’t think we could ask that of them again, but this time take care of three children. 

The other factor that played into whether we would do two separate adoptions or two at once is something that no one really wants to admit plays a role - money. Adoption is expensive.  There’s no way around that.  Everyone who works to facilitate an adoption, whether in the U.S. or China, needs to get paid.  My checkbook barely had a chance to cool down before another fee was due.  And that was just for the adoption.  We also had to travel to China.  My jaw dropped when our agency informed us of our travel costs.  Yes, the cost was higher because we were adopting two, and from different provinces, (our longer stay meant extra nights in a hotel, extra days of guides and additional meals in restaurants) but many of the costs, like plane tickets, were sunk costs.

The weeks and months following adoption can be really expensive too because of all the medical appointments.  These expenses coincided with my paid leave running out a month after we got home from China.  We anticipated this, planned accordingly and made it work.  But it was still a financially difficult time to go for weeks without an income on the heels of a very expensive adoption.  Now that we're finished building our family, I'm really relieved to be able to work back towards being more financially stable.  

We didn't go into adoption unprepared and we didn't make the decision lightly to adopt two unrelated children.  We took our trainings, read books, followed blogs and talked with other adoptive families, including those who have adopted two at once.  Those families in particular didn't sugar-coat anything, but their stories also contained a lot of joy and no regret. 

Most importantly, though, we thought about what worked for our family.  Having four children so close in age sounds overwhelming to most people, but to us, it was comforting because we feel like experts in this age range because we've been living it every day. 

Was it all worth it even though it was hard?  Of course it was.  I have Kiera and Matteo.  Not just one of them, both of them. I can't imagine having only one of them and not the other. They both complete our family.

Just as I had imagined, I'm thankful they have each other. Matteo may have slept through our first meeting with Kiera and was unsure of what was going on when he woke up, but by the time we made it to the playground later that afternoon, he realized that his new sister was an awesome playmate and their relationship has remained strong ever since.  Sometimes too strong.  Rarely a night goes by that I don't hear them squealing with delight in their bedroom and jumping around the room after lights out.

I recognize that not everyone's adoption goes so seamlessly, whether they're adopting one or two, but in a community where our mantra is "prepare for the worst and hope for the best," I want to share a story that has turned out better than we could have hoped for.