Retaining Adopted Kids' Native Language

Today marks our fourth month home from China.  Although I assumed that Matteo had lost virtually all his comprehension of Mandarin, today's speech evaluation confirmed he hadn't.  We've been working on getting Matteo qualified for speech services through the school district.  They had evaluated him in English last week and while it was clear he's delayed in speaking, he did a really good job following most of their directions through the hour-long session.  For today's evaluation, they insisted on bringing a Mandarin interpreter even though I told them I didn't think it would do any good. However, the Mandarin interpreter led him through similar tests today and he did just as well following directions in Chinese as he had in English the week before. 

Hearing Chinese again and watching my son follow the interpreter's playful directions was bittersweet for me.  I was happy Matteo still holds onto a vital piece of his culture, but also sad, because I know his retention of his native language won't last much longer.  When I had assumed Mandarin had slipped away permanently from him, I got a surprise glimpse into his still-bilingual mind.  But the next time someone addresses him in Mandarin could be the time he stares back at the speaker as blankly as his American-born family, unable to understand beyond a simple greeting.

Anyone who has struggled to learn another language later in life would give anything to know a second language early in life.  It would be wonderful if Matteo (and Kiera) could grow up bilingual in Chinese and English.  Sadly, maintaining their native language is not realistic given our family's resources.

Since kids' brains are like "sponges" and they pick up languages "quickly," it's easy to overestimate their ability to either acquire another language or retain one. Language acquisition or retention require routine practice and another human being to speak with. I know a family who is hosting the college-age child of family friends from China.  What an incredible resource for helping their newly adopted seven-year-old son keep up his Chinese.  Another family has hosted Chinese au pairs since their daughter's adoption three years ago.

Since Chris and I both work full-time, hiring a caregiver who also speaks Chinese would probably be the only feasible way to get regular language exposure.  With four children, hosting an au pair is really our only affordable childcare option. We looked au pairs from, and Germany and Brazil and Mexico and from everywhere else in the world because it's very difficult I discovered to find an au pair willing to come to Minnesota and take care of four children, so we had to cast our search wide.  That said, we weren't going to chose the first person who agreed to this and spoke the desired language we want our children exposed to.  In the end, the most qualified person happened to be a German-speaker.

To be honest, I might never have been able to bring myself to pick a Mandarin-speaker for our first au pair after adopting.  If we had lived in China and my bio children had learned the language and I wanted them to retain it after returning to the states, it would have been a no-brainer to pick a Mandarin-speaking au pair.  But I'm also not worried about my bio children's attachment to me as their new parent.  Given the challenges with attachment we have faced with both of our children, I can't imagine it would have helped our attachment if we had a third adult in the house speaking to them in their native language.  Of course there would have been other benefits like making our children feel comfortable and maintaining their native language.  But I was stressed enough with how the presence of our non-Mandarin-speaking male au pair was going to play in the bonding process. 

Since our au pair doesn't speak Mandarin, our only other option with children as young as ours (two and a half and three years old) would have to hire a Mandarin-speaking babysitter or a tutor.  But that would have put us back in a position of struggling with how to best support Matteo's and Kiera's attachment to us.  We also don't have a lot of extra money or time to hire someone extra.

Others have suggested language classes, language instruction videos, music and television show and moves online.  Those are all wonderful resources for language exposure or supporting fluency, but they alone cannot make or keep someone fluent in a language.  You need a human to interact in the language with, most likely multiple times a week, at least with the young ages of our children.

Adoption adds unique considerations to how we help our children preserve their first language.  It's hugely important to many adoptees to maintain a connection to their culture, including language, but as adoptive parents, we have so many needs we're trying to balance on behalf of our children.  The first few months home (or longer) are just about survival.  We're still getting to know our new children and adapting to changed family dynamics.  The last thing on my mind was adding something to my plate that didn't absolutely have to happen, like taking care of my children's medical needs.  We've been home for four months and while our adjustment has gone better than I could have hoped for, I know we still have a ways to go until we fully settle into our new normal. 

We'll continue to support Kiera and Matteo's connection to their Chinese culture and first language, but I do mourn the loss of their fluency in their native language and the fact that there's only so much I could do to prevent that.