Paid Parental Leave in the News

I got a call from a reporter on Monday morning and saw this news story posted this morning: Minnesota State Employees Seek Paid Parental Leave.  Pretty cool, even if I find it difficult to listen to a recording of my voice.  But I'll talk to as many people as it takes to get the word out on this issue. 

Since I'm not directly involved in union contract negotiations, I don't know what our chances are in successfully negotiating paid parental leave. At least we have a shot, which isn't the case in other states.  After I finished reading the article on Minnesota's negotiations, another headline caught my eye: Report: MI Needs Family-Friendly Jobs, Not Anti-Family Policies. The Michigan state legislature recently passed legislation prohibiting local governments from enacting ordinances that would require employers to provide paid or unpaid leave. Sadly, other states have passed similar legislation, including our neighbor, Wisconsin. 

Thoughts on Adopting Two

Adopting two unrelated children is so controversial in the adoption world that many agencies don't allow it and even some of those that do only allow it under special circumstances, such as in the case where two children were raised in the same orphanage or foster family.  Opponents of two at once claim that this scenario raises the chance of disruption; (meaning, not going through with the adoption in-country or placing the child for adoption once home) although, our first agency, which had a rule against adopting two at once, couldn't provide any data or research supporting their stance.  Other reasons include the belief that adoptive parents can't adequately meet the needs (emotional, time, medical) of two newly-adopted children, or might favor the "easier" child over the more "difficult" child.  And there's the idea that every child, especially one from difficult background, deserves to be the center of attention as the newest member of the family. I think these are important issues to consider and adopting two unrelated children shouldn't be taken lightly, but I don't think we can make a blanket statement that adopting two at once is a bad choice.

Why did we decide to do it despite the controversy? The simple answer is that we wanted four children.  We had two children already, so when we decided to adopt, two more instead of one more felt right.  That’s just honestly where my heart was. Plus we thought it would be a benefit to our children to be adopted at the same time since they would have a shared background and they would have each other through the transition.  And since there wouldn't be a second adoption, we wouldn't have to make the tough decision about when is a good time to leave behind a child still relatively new to the family to adopt another child. 

The more complicated reasons are ones that are unpopular admissions in the adoption community.  We wanted two more children, but did we did not think we could go through with a second adoption down the line, and it was cheaper to adopt two at once than to adopt two separately.  Admitting this has prompted knee-jerk reactions from a few adoptive parents who have accused me of treating human beings like a commodity or have implied we are weak for being fearful of a second adoption process or not willing to make what they think is the required sacrifice.

The reality of our adoption process was that it was long, unpredictable and emotionally-draining. It was taking its toll on my sanity as I tried to stay on top of the paperwork and track the next steps in the process and avoid unnecessary delays.  Even when unavoidable delays happened, I still felt like a failure.  Managing the process and obsessing over planning for the future left less time for the family I already had and that made me sad.  As unlikely as it would be for a “stable” adoption program like China's, I still worried that without notice, China would suddenly say no to our request to adopt or would shut down the whole program has happened in Russia, Vietnam, Guatemala and many other countries. Even if we completed one adoption from China, there was no guarantee we'd be able to adopt from China again in the future.  I saw enough changes in the 20 months we were in process to question whether anyone could predict what the program will look like in the near future.  Even if Chris and I mustered the stamina to pursue another adoption, I don't know if my in-laws could do it.  The reality is that we wouldn't have been able to adopt if my in-laws hadn't taken care of Oliver and Soren.  It was a lot to ask of them to take care of two young children for over three weeks while we were 14 time zones away.  I didn’t think we could ask that of them again, but this time take care of three children. 

The other factor that played into whether we would do two separate adoptions or two at once is something that no one really wants to admit plays a role - money. Adoption is expensive.  There’s no way around that.  Everyone who works to facilitate an adoption, whether in the U.S. or China, needs to get paid.  My checkbook barely had a chance to cool down before another fee was due.  And that was just for the adoption.  We also had to travel to China.  My jaw dropped when our agency informed us of our travel costs.  Yes, the cost was higher because we were adopting two, and from different provinces, (our longer stay meant extra nights in a hotel, extra days of guides and additional meals in restaurants) but many of the costs, like plane tickets, were sunk costs.

The weeks and months following adoption can be really expensive too because of all the medical appointments.  These expenses coincided with my paid leave running out a month after we got home from China.  We anticipated this, planned accordingly and made it work.  But it was still a financially difficult time to go for weeks without an income on the heels of a very expensive adoption.  Now that we're finished building our family, I'm really relieved to be able to work back towards being more financially stable.  

We didn't go into adoption unprepared and we didn't make the decision lightly to adopt two unrelated children.  We took our trainings, read books, followed blogs and talked with other adoptive families, including those who have adopted two at once.  Those families in particular didn't sugar-coat anything, but their stories also contained a lot of joy and no regret. 

Most importantly, though, we thought about what worked for our family.  Having four children so close in age sounds overwhelming to most people, but to us, it was comforting because we feel like experts in this age range because we've been living it every day. 

Was it all worth it even though it was hard?  Of course it was.  I have Kiera and Matteo.  Not just one of them, both of them. I can't imagine having only one of them and not the other. They both complete our family.

Just as I had imagined, I'm thankful they have each other. Matteo may have slept through our first meeting with Kiera and was unsure of what was going on when he woke up, but by the time we made it to the playground later that afternoon, he realized that his new sister was an awesome playmate and their relationship has remained strong ever since.  Sometimes too strong.  Rarely a night goes by that I don't hear them squealing with delight in their bedroom and jumping around the room after lights out.

I recognize that not everyone's adoption goes so seamlessly, whether they're adopting one or two, but in a community where our mantra is "prepare for the worst and hope for the best," I want to share a story that has turned out better than we could have hoped for. 

Happy Father's Day and Forever Traditions

This was the best Father's Day ever for Oliver and Soren.  That's because Chris told them he wanted to buy new Legos and build something with them.  Oliver tried to tell Chris what he wanted him to buy, only to have Chris remind Oliver that they're Dad's Legos.  Oliver gets to pick what Legos he wants any other time of year, but for Father's Day, Dad got to choose. In the end, there were two happy little boys and a gets-to-be-a-kid-again dad building Legos together.

With the finished product

Father's Day afternoon was devoted to extended family and golf.  The Cheslas have traditionally honored the fathers of the family with a game of golf and a post-game barbecue at Chris' grandparent's.  That tradition has been in transition the last couple of years with the declining health of Chris' grandfather and then his death two years ago.  The locations of the golf game and barbecue have changed from year to year in recent years, yet the family has managed to pull together the planning each year.  Because really, the important part is that even if no one has swung a club since the Father's Day game the year before, the family still gets out there.  And no matter how hot it is or if it rains or if the old guys beat the kids or vice versa, they have fun.  On the car ride home, with his four tired kids up way past their bedtime, and skin still hot from the sun and partially-dehydrated, Chris reminisced on the day and wished for his family to continue the golf tradition forever. 

Spending Father's Day with my husband is a reminder of what a family man he is. Whether it's an activity as simple as building Legos with his kids or putting himself far outside his comfort zone by going to China and bringing home his two other children, he is the best father a mother could ask for and that's one of the many reasons I love him.  He's an incredible role model to his children of what a father should be. 

S'mores Bars

If S'mores are an all-American dessert, then S'mores Bars are the Minnesota version. When new neighbors moved into the house on the corner, Oliver suggested we bake something for them as a welcome to the neighborhood.  Of course he knew there was something in it for him - we made a double batch.  After the kids got their fill of fresh-from-the-oven gooey, chocolatey, sticky marshmallow goodness, I put the remaining bars in the freezer because I didn't think they'd last long if the pan sat on our counter top.  However, Chris discovered they tasted just as good frozen and made a satisfying treat after a long bike ride. 

Retaining Adopted Kids' Native Language

Today marks our fourth month home from China.  Although I assumed that Matteo had lost virtually all his comprehension of Mandarin, today's speech evaluation confirmed he hadn't.  We've been working on getting Matteo qualified for speech services through the school district.  They had evaluated him in English last week and while it was clear he's delayed in speaking, he did a really good job following most of their directions through the hour-long session.  For today's evaluation, they insisted on bringing a Mandarin interpreter even though I told them I didn't think it would do any good. However, the Mandarin interpreter led him through similar tests today and he did just as well following directions in Chinese as he had in English the week before. 

Hearing Chinese again and watching my son follow the interpreter's playful directions was bittersweet for me.  I was happy Matteo still holds onto a vital piece of his culture, but also sad, because I know his retention of his native language won't last much longer.  When I had assumed Mandarin had slipped away permanently from him, I got a surprise glimpse into his still-bilingual mind.  But the next time someone addresses him in Mandarin could be the time he stares back at the speaker as blankly as his American-born family, unable to understand beyond a simple greeting.

Anyone who has struggled to learn another language later in life would give anything to know a second language early in life.  It would be wonderful if Matteo (and Kiera) could grow up bilingual in Chinese and English.  Sadly, maintaining their native language is not realistic given our family's resources.

Since kids' brains are like "sponges" and they pick up languages "quickly," it's easy to overestimate their ability to either acquire another language or retain one. Language acquisition or retention require routine practice and another human being to speak with. I know a family who is hosting the college-age child of family friends from China.  What an incredible resource for helping their newly adopted seven-year-old son keep up his Chinese.  Another family has hosted Chinese au pairs since their daughter's adoption three years ago.

Since Chris and I both work full-time, hiring a caregiver who also speaks Chinese would probably be the only feasible way to get regular language exposure.  With four children, hosting an au pair is really our only affordable childcare option. We looked au pairs from, and Germany and Brazil and Mexico and from everywhere else in the world because it's very difficult I discovered to find an au pair willing to come to Minnesota and take care of four children, so we had to cast our search wide.  That said, we weren't going to chose the first person who agreed to this and spoke the desired language we want our children exposed to.  In the end, the most qualified person happened to be a German-speaker.

To be honest, I might never have been able to bring myself to pick a Mandarin-speaker for our first au pair after adopting.  If we had lived in China and my bio children had learned the language and I wanted them to retain it after returning to the states, it would have been a no-brainer to pick a Mandarin-speaking au pair.  But I'm also not worried about my bio children's attachment to me as their new parent.  Given the challenges with attachment we have faced with both of our children, I can't imagine it would have helped our attachment if we had a third adult in the house speaking to them in their native language.  Of course there would have been other benefits like making our children feel comfortable and maintaining their native language.  But I was stressed enough with how the presence of our non-Mandarin-speaking male au pair was going to play in the bonding process. 

Since our au pair doesn't speak Mandarin, our only other option with children as young as ours (two and a half and three years old) would have to hire a Mandarin-speaking babysitter or a tutor.  But that would have put us back in a position of struggling with how to best support Matteo's and Kiera's attachment to us.  We also don't have a lot of extra money or time to hire someone extra.

Others have suggested language classes, language instruction videos, music and television show and moves online.  Those are all wonderful resources for language exposure or supporting fluency, but they alone cannot make or keep someone fluent in a language.  You need a human to interact in the language with, most likely multiple times a week, at least with the young ages of our children.

Adoption adds unique considerations to how we help our children preserve their first language.  It's hugely important to many adoptees to maintain a connection to their culture, including language, but as adoptive parents, we have so many needs we're trying to balance on behalf of our children.  The first few months home (or longer) are just about survival.  We're still getting to know our new children and adapting to changed family dynamics.  The last thing on my mind was adding something to my plate that didn't absolutely have to happen, like taking care of my children's medical needs.  We've been home for four months and while our adjustment has gone better than I could have hoped for, I know we still have a ways to go until we fully settle into our new normal. 

We'll continue to support Kiera and Matteo's connection to their Chinese culture and first language, but I do mourn the loss of their fluency in their native language and the fact that there's only so much I could do to prevent that.  

Paid Parental Leave

Our union, Minnesota Association of Professional Employees (MAPE) is in the middle of contract negotiations and is pushing for six weeks of paid parental leave for all parents - woman, man, adoptive parent, or bio parent.  It is also negotiating removing the limits on the use of sick leave for adoptive parents and biological fathers.  Parental leave in our contract has remained untouched since FMLA became effective in 1993.

Our union held a meeting earlier this week for its members to talk about the need for paid parental leave.  Union members affected by our lack of paid leave and politicians who have worked on this issue spoke.  So did the Minnesota Department of Health Commissioner who called the need for paid parental leave a public health issue. 

"Public health is what we as a society do collectively to assure the conditions to which all people can be healthy."

Yes, paid parental leave affects public health. Of the myriad of factors that work together to create a healthy community, the things we think of when we talk about being healthy - eating healthfully, exercising, not smoking - are only 10% of the picture.  The largest share of our society's health - 40% - is impacted by public policies and social and economic conditions.  Paid parental leave means that women who want to breastfeed will do it longer, babies with immature immune systems delay going to daycare and are less likely to visit the doctor or land in the hospital, parents follow through with bringing their children in for well-child visits or following a recommended course of treatment and parents don't go to work sick or send their children to daycare or school sick.  The list could go on, and you can read more in the Department of Health's White Paper on Paid Leave and Health, but the most sobering statistic the commissioner shared with us was that 10 weeks of paid parental leave reduces infant mortality by 10%. 

Before the meeting, one of my fellow state workers whose been helping organize union members around this issue, asked if employees would share their experiences with the state's leave policy. My story and many others were forwarded to the governor's office.  This is what I decided I needed to get off my chest.

We adopted two children, ages two and a half and three, from China in February of 2015 and paid parental leave would have greatly benefited the well-being of my whole family. 

Unfortunately, few understand that parents of adopted children also need parental leave.  Many assumed I’d come right back to work after getting home from China and one even questioned how I’d gotten permission to take such a long “vacation.” There’s a false belief that adopted children are easier than newborns because they’re not nursing and not waking throughout the night (not necessarily the case) and the mother is not recovering from childbirth.  So many don’t realize the trauma and loss adopted children have endured and the lasting impact this has on their lives, even when they were adopted as toddlers and eventually lose memories of their adoption.  Add to that a child who has been adopted internationally and is learning a new language and adjusting to a new culture, or a child with medical needs (who make the majority of international adoptions now) and it’s even clearer why parental leave is so important for adoptive parents as well. 

Planning my leave and deciding how much time off I could afford to take was incredibly stressful because I felt like I was choosing between not enough time off and much-less-than-adequate time off.   I had about seven weeks of sick and vacation time and two weeks of comp time accrued by the time my husband and I boarded the plane to China.  I felt fortunate to even have that much.  I was 33 years old when I started at Minnesota Housing with almost a decade of experience in my field, but I was starting over with no accrued leave and a two-year-old and 11-week-old at home.  Naturally, I regularly used sick time or vacation time due to sick children, doctors’ visits and daycare closings. 

To bring home my third and fourth children, I reluctantly decided to only take the 12 weeks allowed by FMLA even though our union contract allows us to take an additional three months through Parental Leave.  I was initially very thankful when I learned about Parental Leave, but when HR explained to me that it does not cover health benefits if you’re in “unpaid status” like under FMLA, I realized I would never be able to take advantage of it.  I carry the health insurance for our family of six and could not afford the $1,500 monthly COBRA payments, much less when on unpaid leave. I have short-term disability, but was not eligible for benefits for adoption. That left me with only the 12 weeks of FMLA, three of which would be spent in China. (China only requires one trip to complete the adoption, whereas other countries require two, or even three trips before you can bring home your child, or a four-to-eight-week stay in country.) Five weeks were unpaid once my accrued leave ran out, but I was almost forced to take more unpaid time even though I had the accrued leave.  I had three weeks of sick leave, but birth fathers and adoptive parents are only allowed to use five days.  With a letter from our social worker who documented the known medical needs of our children and time needed for bonding post-adoption, I was successfully able to petition to use up whatever sick time I had. 

Meeting our children in China was an incredible experience, but the hard work really started once we were home.  We arrived home on a Thursday and my husband, who had used up all his PTO, went back to work, still jet-lagged, the following Monday.  I was also out the door that Monday and off to Gillette Children’s Hospital, where we had a surgical consult for my son, who was born with cleft lip and palate.  My remaining nine weeks of FMLA were busy as I worked to address the medical needs we were aware of prior to their adoption, uncover previously undiagnosed needs and make up for their overall lack of medical care prior to joining our family.   This care between my two children included visits to the International Adoption Clinic and our pediatrician, palate repair surgery and a tough three-week recovery, diagnoses of hearing loss, ENT procedures under general anesthesia, ophthalmologist appointments, an MRI under general anesthesia, appointments with an attachment therapist who specializes in working with adopted children, evaluations through our school district, dentist appointments, re-vaccinating and treating parasites. 

My leave was busier than I wanted it to be because it left little time to bond with my new children who were exhibiting classic attachment issues related to adoption.  But I had no choice.  At most I would have been able to extend my leave by an additional two weeks by using my comp time.  However, because I had depleted my vacation and sick time, I needed to save my comp time for my children’s medical appointments in the coming months, including weekly speech therapy appointments for both kids. 

Paid parental leave will not benefit me since our family is complete.  Yet it’s something I still feel is crucial to supporting the well-being of employees and their families.  I hope that MAPE will negotiate a policy that reflects the varied family needs across its membership. 

Saying Goodbye to ECFE

We attended what was likely our family's last night of Minnesota's statewide program, Early Childhood and Family Eduction (ECFE), an education program for families with children from birth to age five.  We have participated since Oliver was four weeks old, at which point I could do nothing more than sit quietly while we talked about choosing a kindergarten and mentally filed away notes for a stage in my life that seemed so far away.  And now I've arrived. 

I've been doing this for nearly six years.  Semester after semester, I've attended without hiatus.  I started in a birth-to-five class at Monroe down the street from our house, then moved to a baby class at another site, Randolph Heights, but when that closed at the end of the semester, I chose yet another site, Rondo, the following fall. With no evening age-specific classes at Rondo for Oliver's age group in the spring, I decided to go back to Monroe and attend an evening birth-to-five class.  I joined a birth-to-three daytime class in the fall, but when I got a new job, I transferred back into my old Monday night evening class. And that's where we stayed.

Every Monday night for almost four years, in rain or snow, sunshine or darkness, depending upon the season, we gulped down dinner and headed down the street to the school where the teachers greeted my children with enthusiastic hellos.  I've carried my kids in the Ergo, pushed them in a stroller, let them ride their tricycles and even pulled them in a sled one snowy evening. For almost four years we've been with this class, with these teachers and with many of the same families.  They've watched us add children to our family and then watched those children grow up.  One teacher has known Oliver since he was four weeks old. 

When we started ECFE, our street had only one other baby and few people at our site lived in the immediate neighborhood.  As the neighborhood goes through transition, it's filling up with children, including two due late this summer.  Half our class is now within walking distance of the school.  I feel like it is time to make room for another family starting their journey.  I'm sad to say goodbye, but I know ECFE has served its purpose.  I leave a better parent and better connected to my community. I'm thankful for the learning environment the program provided for my children and for the friends I have made.  My only regret is that Kiera and Matteo experienced only a couple of months of a program they were blossoming in. 

Non-Religious and Lonely in the Adoption Community

Adoption came with many surprises, one of them having nothing to do with adoption at all.  I discovered it's pretty lonely in the adoption community if you're not religious.  It really surprised me that seemingly everyone I've encountered since we started the journey to adopt has been a devout Christian.  Or maybe I'm the only agnostic, pro-choice, supporter of gay rights, vegetarian blogging about adoption and trolling the Facebook adoption groups, or so it seems.

I was relieved to find the online adoption community on Facebook, but often felt like I couldn't relate to others whose only common thread connecting them to me was that they too were in process to adopt. I felt like an outsider because God didn't call me to adopt, I didn't pray about whether a referral of a child was meant to be my son or daughter, it never occurred to me to be thankful that my children will have the opportunity to know Jesus, and my frustrations with slow-downs in the process weren't appeased by reminders of "His timeline" or that the "devil hates adoption".  With all the Bible-quoting and religious references that followed even the most mundane of questions, I sometimes felt like I couldn't speak the same language as my adoption community.

I didn't understand why the adoption community is so religious when infertility, which is blind to faith, is a top reason people chose to adopt.  Non-Christians experiencing infertility are of course still adopting, and a portion of those experiencing infertility happen to be practicing Christians. But what is drawing so many Christians to adoption otherwise? (And why are non-Christian or non-religious families not a presence in Facebook groups or in the blogosphere?) I learned that there is a movement in the Christian faith, particularly among evangelical Christians, to adopt.  The Bible asks Christians to be the "father of the fatherless" and one way to fulfill this duty is through adoption, which is not an unusual concept for those who believe that we are all adopted - by God.  Adoption also supports other evangelical Christian values, such as their pro-life beliefs, addressing global poverty and bringing Jesus Christ to the Christ-less.  Some churches even have adoption or orphan ministries and many more put on Orphan Sunday events every November.

You wouldn't think I'd feel so out of place given that Chris and I were raised Christian and have family members and friends who are church-goers.  My grandmother attends church every Sunday, my uncle is a minister and I happily accompany my dad to Friends Meeting on the rare occasions I am home visiting (and on a Sunday). But religion in my everyday life is in the background.  Outside of one of my uncle's sermons, I've never encountered anyone who quoted the Bible.  And I have friends who've joined churches because they wanted a community, not necessarily because they're religious. I still feel very connected culturally to the Quaker faith, but I no longer attend or belong to a Friends Meeting.  All in all, my religious background is simply on the opposite end of the spectrum from the evangelical Christians who make up a good portion of the adoption community.

It doesn't matter to me why others choose to adopt. In fact, I wish more people would. So I think it's awesome, regardless of one's religious beliefs, when a family adopts.  I just felt left out, and frankly, a little jealous. I don't have a church community who gets adoption, who has families like mine and who rallies behind fundraising efforts. I think that's wonderful. 

As supportive as everyone has been on this journey, I assume our friendships will never extend beyond the Internet because we won't have enough in common beyond adoption.  There's a huge adoption conference every spring in Georgia that would be totally up my alley because I'd get to hang out with adoptive parents - my community - all weekend, but I'll never go because the conference is so religion-heavy. Instead, I longingly read about the conference on everyone else's blog and see the pictures pop up in my Facebook newsfeed. 

Sometimes the Christian-dominated adoption world leaves me feeling discriminated against. Never by the other parents who have supported me through this journey, but by the adoption agencies who only accept practicing Christians (and only specific denominations at that) and by the organizations whose grants and loans to cover the exorbitant cost of adoption are only given to Christian families who belong to a church. In the eyes of these organizations, I feel like I'm less worthy as an adoptive parent.

Only after we completed our adoptions did I discover two secular Facebook adoption groups, "Secular Foster & Adoptive Parenting" and "Secular Adoptive Families." They have small memberships and are not exclusive to China adoption, so they can't guide you through the steps and issues specific to China adoption, but nonetheless, I finally felt like I had a place I could truly be myself.  If only I had known about them two years ago. 

As lonely as I have felt, I'm used to being the odd one out and doing my own thing.  With the exception of Chris' aunt, no one close to us has adopted.  So we've been forging our own path for some time now and will continue to do just fine.  I chose to write about adoption on this blog in the hope that our experience helps someone else in the process of adopting, or even inspires them to adopt.  What I never knew was that there would be a need for contributions in the adoption community from the non-religious.  If I speak up, perhaps the adoption community will be a little less lonely for others like myself. 

Happy Baby, Happy Forever

We received a letter from Matteo's foster mother today, which is coincidentally International Children's Day. The letter didn't come directly from her, but via the courier I had used in the fall to send care packages to Kiera and Matteo.  I'm not sure how she came in contact with the courier, who e-mailed me the short letter, which had been roughly translated into English.  Perhaps the approach of International Children's Day, which is celebrated in China, prompted her to reach out.  I was surprised, but incredibly thankful to hear from her.  However, my heart broke because it appeared that she has heard nothing about Matteo since we left her weeping outside her home as we drove away from Fuyang.  Although I had asked our adoption agency to see if Matteo's foster family could get copies of the pictures and post-adoption report that would have shown her that he's happy and well, she never did. Everything has to go through the orphanage and I don't know if passing along an update just got lost in the shuffle or purposefully withheld. How incredibly sad and unfair that she is left to worry about how he's doing. 

She finished her letter to our Matteo by wishing him "happy baby, happy forever."  As awkward as the English translation was, her sentiment was not lost in translation.