Searching for Our Sven (or Sveja)

A friend of mine asks me every now and then if I've found "Sven," her nickname for my Chinese son.  She had nicknames for both her kids when she was pregnant so she could refer to them as something other than "the baby."  Since we talk so much about adoption with each other, she took the liberty to give our future child a nickname.  I happen to love the name Sven, so I don't mind. Just to cover our bases, I added the name Sveja in case we have a girl. 

I feel like we're going to be searching for Sven forever.  Like we'll continue to talk about and imagine this mystery child, but never learn who he actually is.  Sven and Sveja are just place-holder names, but they represent an actual child living on the other side of the world.  I want to be able to say, Sven, Sveja, we're coming to get you. 

When we started this process, I thought receiving a referral was going to be straight-forward.  We would send our dossier to China and then sit back and wait for the next month's release of files from the shared list.  Each month started with hope, nervous energy and excitement and then ended in disappointment. 

I don't know what it was about the disappointment of this latest shared list release on Monday that nearly did me in.  It was totally unexpected when the CCCWA announced that they were releasing another list since the least release had been only two weeks ago.  Since the beginning of the special needs program, China only released new files once a month, so this really was an absolute surprise.  However, due to the short time between releases, we knew the list was going to be small, most likely really small.  I learned later it contained roughly 30 files and were all locked in less than five minutes by social workers representing adoption agencies around the world.  Even though the chance of receiving a referral was a long shot, when I got the "no match tonight" e-mail, I broke down and cried for a long time.  It felt impossible to think about enjoying the view from the top of the ferris wheel when I felt like ours was broken with us stuck at the bottom. 

Throughout this process I have continuously checked in with our agency as they awaited files from their partnership orphanage.  We also reviewed the files of a couple of kids on our agency's Waiting Child list.  The kids either had medical needs greater than Chris and I knew we were prepared for, or had files with vague and/or conflicting medical information or enough gaps that the information that was there really told us nothing. With no match from the shared list or our agency, I kept searching.

I joined a number of advocacy groups on Facebook and learned of other waiting children not listed by our agency.  The folks I have met on these groups have given me crash courses in medical needs I had never heard of before pursuing adoption from China, shared their experiences of life after adoption and connected me with medical specialists or even volunteers who've visited the orphanage where a particular child lives.  Despite all these resources, I've quickly learned that even if one of these children is our Sven or Sveja, we'll probably never get to them because they're listed with a different agency.  As the shared list has been getting smaller, adoption agencies have been forming partnerships with specific orphanages who agree to send files directly to them.  The CCCWA has also started sending "designated files" to agencies, who then try to match the child with a family already working with them.  

In order to adopt a child with a partnership or designated file, there are a couple of options, none of which are really going to work for us. 

1. Identify the child you want to adopt first and then sign up with the agency who has that particular child's file.  Obviously that ship has sailed for us.
2. Identify a child and switch to the agency holding the file.  I would consider doing this, but the few children I have followed up on already had interested families who were already signed with the agency holding the child's file.  I'm not going to switch agencies unless I can be assured that we will be able to match with this child.
3. Convince the other agency to transfer the file to your agency.  They'll only do this if they don't have a family from their own agency seriously interested in the child.   
4. Stalk the shared list. If children aren't matched either the night new files are released, or through a orphanage partnership or designated file, they land on the shared list, which social workers from any agency can access.  Our social worker checks the list daily to see if any children pop on the list who match our criteria.  Advocates will often announce on Facebook that a child's file is about to go back to the shared list or somehow can look at the shared list themselves, so I'm gone back to our social worker and have asked her to search for a particular file.  Unfortunately, the files of younger children with minor and correctable needs are locked almost as soon as they come back on the list.  

I'm not sure what our next move is going to be aside from keeping our fingers crossed that our Sven or Sveja is among the files released next month.  I've been feeling so emotionally exhausted that there are times when I wonder if it would be better if we just quit.  I feel hopeless wondering if we're ever going to find him or her or even how we'll do that.  But what keeps me going is the belief that Sven or Sveja is out there.  

Uncovering Uncomfortable Truths in China Adoption

One of my big fears with adoption is to have a child become my son or daughter as a result of child trafficking and/or fraud.  It breaks my heart to imagine any child's birth family being taken advantage of and losing the opportunity to raise a child who could have or should have stayed their son or daughter.  And I would feel so helpless to think that despite our good intentions in pursuing adoption, we had unwittingly fueled the demand for unethical and/or downright illegal doings.

Millions of children around the world need a family period, or need a stable family or a family who can better meet their needs.  For that reason, I believe in adoption, whether that means children are adopted within their own country or internationally.  But where there's demand to adopt children, there's also opportunity for profit and that's where ethical issues present themselves.

No international adoption program has existed without scandal, including China.  The Hunan scandal in 2005 nearly ended adoptions from China.  After the scandal was exposed, adoptions from China dropped significantly, and the wait for a healthy baby immediately started to climb.  The wait now exceeds seven years and most agencies don't accept new prospective adoptive parents into this program.  Around the same time, whether due to what was happening in the traditional China adoption program, or just coincidence, China adoption authorities realized that families will adopt children with medical needs.  These children, even those with minor needs, had until that point been considered unadoptable.   Authorities started to encourage orphanages to prepare the paperwork for children with special needs in order to make them eligible for adoption.  Now anyone starting the adoption process today from China goes in expecting and wanting to adopt a child with special needs.

Because the adoption scandal was fueled by demand for healthy babies, I've been wanting to believe that child trafficking is less likely in the special needs program.  Children with deformities or who just look different face discrimination in China to an extent they probably wouldn't face in other countries.  They're less likely to receive the services they need in school, or schooling at all.  Job prospects and other opportunities are minimal.  In addition, poverty and lack of resources and education mean that parents of children born with medical needs may not have access, or believe they have access, to the health care they need for their child.  It's easy to believe then that the children with special needs who fill orphanages must have all been legitimately abandoned.  After hearing the founders of Research-China speak at a recent event in St. Paul, I'm realizing that the reasons children end up in orphanages are a lot more complicated than they seem.  

During his talk, Brian Stuy, founder of Research-China, dug deeper into the four reasons children in China end up in orphanages.

1. Abandonment 

There are two main scenarios here, depending upon whether the parents are married or not.  A married couple may abandon a girl either at birth or at an older age after finally having a boy, or they may abandon a boy with special needs.  A single woman who decides to abandon her child will do so whether she has a boy or a girl, healthy or not.  Like in many countries, being a single mom carries a huge stigma and will likely not receive the support necessary to help her raise her child.  As a single mom, she is less likely to find a new partner, because the partner will not be permitted by law to have a child with her since she already has a child. 

As awful and unfair as any of these scenarios are, they are what I think many adoptive parents hope is really the case about their child's beginnings.  They hope that their child really was abandoned, like his or her file states, perhaps because of a medical need, or because of social circumstances the parents don't think they can overcome.

Research-China explained that in a true abandonment situation, the data from the children adopted from the orphanage will show three characteristics:

• Mix of boys and girls - As I stated above, girls and boys are abandoned in China, even if not at even rates.  If a much higher percentage of children placed for adoption are girls though than boys, that's a red flag.
• Diversity of ages at time of abandonment - Half of abandoned babies are between zero and seven days old when they're found.  However, not everyone who abandons a child will do so immediately.  Many parents will try to parent for as long as they can, but then realize they can't meet the child's medical needs.  Or they keep a daughter, try to get pregnant again, have a boy and abandon the girl.  Or they want to keep the child, but a relative abandons the child against the parent's wishes.  If more than 70% of babies adopted were supposedly abandoned between zero and seven days old, that's a second red flag.
• Diversity of finding locations - Abandoning children is not a coordinated effort.  There aren't chat rooms devoted to the best places to abandon your child.  Despite what it seems, abandonment in China is taboo, so parents don't advertise where they left their child.  If only five to 10 "finding locations" are listed for all the children placed for adoption though a specific orphanage, that's a third red flag.

2. Child-Trafficking

Like has happened in other countries, such as Cambodia where international adoption is still shut down, as families from the United States and other wealthier countries around the world began to adopt in larger and larger numbers, a demand grew for young healthy babies.  In the Hunan scandal I reference above, children were not only outright kidnapped, but parents were also coerced, talked into, bribed or lied to in order for traffickers to have a supply of babies to funnel to orphanages.  A "facilitator" might approach or befriend a pregnant woman and learn what her intentions are following the birth.  Is she single?  Are they hoping for a boy?  In some cases, the facilitator "books" the baby before it's born.  Orphanage workers were sometimes forced into child-trafficking by being threatened with loosing their jobs if they didn't bring in a certain number of babies each year. 

International adoption is not completely to blame.  Earlier in the year, China uncovered four child trafficking rings where babies were sold on the Internet.  Orphanages may have been involved, but so are Chinese couples experiencing infertility. 

To my dismay, we can't assume that the special needs adoption of today's China adoption program doesn't have the same problems or potential for problems as existed 10 years ago.  Child-traffickers know there's now a demand for children with medical needs given that the traditional program so many international families had turned to is no longer an option, and parents of these children are even more vulnerable and could be convinced by a facilitator or even their own doctor that they don't have the resources to raise their child or that their child will have a better life raised by parents with more resources. 

3. Authorities seizing children to enforce one-child policy

China's one-child policy is common knowledge, but when we think about orphanages, I think many of us assume that parents faced with no other options choose to abandon their children.  Either they can't pay the fine or they need their one child to be a healthy boy.  For parents who choose or end up with more than one child, I've read stories of fines not being strictly enforced, of others experiencing financial hardship when fines or suddenly applied or of those who plan for additional children by looking at the fines as literally the price you pay in order to have more than one child.  What I had surprisingly not heard about given how much I've read about China family planning practices is of children being taken from families in violation of the one-child policy. 

4. Fraud
Adoption of older children has created its own form of fraud.  Parents are encouraged to send their kids to an orphanage where they're promised Western families will "foster" them, give them an education and teach them English.  The children will return to China with better job opportunities and will be able to take care of their families. 

Where does all this information leave Chris and me?  I used to be relieved when I would read in the referral information that the child was abandoned as a newborn, because to me, that made sense.  If the child is born with an obvious medical need like cleft lip and palate, the parents abandon the child shortly after birth in their only means of getting the medical attention the child needs.  But now I'm not so sure what to think.  I've been losing faith in trusting the medical information provided in the referrals I've reviewed and now I'll look at them with even more skepticism.

What keeps me going with wanting to adopt is the knowledge that there are children who truly are orphans and they shouldn't be left behind.  Regardless of how they ended up in an orphanage, every child there deserves a family. No change in policies in China, or Hague convention policies or shutting down international adoption altogether will help the children already living in orphanages.  While I'm confident I'm doing the right thing for a child by adopting him or her, I really worry about fueling the demand for more children to be trafficked by participating in adoption.  But simply not adopting doesn't seem like a solution either.

As we wait to be matched, I feel like I can do nothing more than hope that our child's birth parents made their decision on their own.  And then I can make a promise to our future child that we will do what we can to uncover the truth in his beginnings, however uncomfortable that will be for us as his adoptive parents.  

Rules for Dating My Daughter

My brother told me about an awesome t-shirt he saw a guy wearing recently.  It had the "rules" for dating his daughter printed on it.  Before Scott could explain further, I railed on him.  Oh how I can't stand the idea of dads proclaiming they're not going to let their daughters date until they're 25 or that they'll greet their daughter's future prom date with a shotgun.  For a moment I thought my feminist brother might actually like these types of jokes.  He interrupted my rant to finish telling me what the t-shirt actually said. I should have known better of my brother all along. 

Rules for Dating My Daughter

1. I don’t make the rules.

2. You don’t make the rules.

3. She makes the rules.

4. Her body, her rules.

Awesome.  Pretty much sums up how I was raised, right up to when my husband proposed to me after not asking my father's permission first.  My dad's friends were shocked, but as my dad explained, Chris needed my permission to marry him, not his.

But I digress.  To write this blog post I googled the exact text for the t-shirt my brother was telling me about.  I was astonished that the first link that popped up was a blog post titled "Worst Dad of 2014."  Seriously?  Seriously!!  That's the best she could come up with for "worst" dad?  It never occurred to me that teaching a daughter that she has a say over her own body and empowering her to be strong, self-assured and capable of making good decisions when she grows up would make her father the worst there is.

Out of morbid curiosity, I read the comments which were written by people who clearly missed the point of the t-shirt.  There were attacks on men the commenters claimed were missing their "anatomical parts" and "browbeaten by PC women or cowards who wants sex without responsibility"  There was a proclamation about how only God makes the rules and opinions on how "her body, her rules" is code for abortion rights and how the t-shirt exemplifies poor parenting advice.  Reading that all made me want to order one of these shirts even though I don't have a daughter. 

And only because we don't have a daughter, my husband won't be wearing this t-shirt.  He's still a pretty awesome dad though.  Instead, you'll find our sons wearing their "Mommy's Little Feminist" t-shirts.   

Expanding Our Search

Another month's release of files of children newly eligible for adoption came and went this past Monday with no match for our family.  Prior to learning the date of the April release, we had scheduled a meeting with our social worker to discuss out-of-birth-order placements.  It was timely that our meeting ended up being the day after our third attempt at a match from the shared list, because after another month with no match, discussing the possibility of expanding the age group we're eligible to adopt gave us a boost of hope.  

We've been approaching this adoption with the intent to preserve the birth order of our family, which means we would adopt a child younger than Soren.  That is the scenario our agency supports based on what they consider adoption best practices and it seemed logical to us to take advantage of our experiences as parents by adopting a child at an age we've already had experience with.  I get what interests drive a two-year-old and what milestones they should be meeting; a seven-year-old, well, I have no clue. 

Our agency considers an adoption "in birth order" if the adopted child is at least nine months younger than the youngest child in the home.  If the adopted child's age is within nine months, older or younger, than another child already in the home, that is considered "virtual twinning" or "artificial twinning," even if the children will be in different grades in school due to the timing of their birth dates.  Thus, if we were to adopt a child six months older than Soren, (say, an April 2011 birthday) our agency would consider this to be an out-of-birth-order and artificial twinning placement.

You're probably wondering why all the talk about birth order and artificial twinning and what the big deal is.  I have always wanted twins you're probably thinking.  So why not create twins?

Of the many things I've learned in adoption, one is that adopting out of birth order creates additional risks to an already challenging situation.  The most worrisome risk for Chris and me is that an older child who has experienced abuse (physical, sexual, emotional) prior to adoption is more likely to show aggression to a younger sibling than an older sibling.  The thought of one sibling abusing another sibling scares the bejesus out of me. 

A less scary scenario, but nevertheless challenging, is that a child who is already developmentally delayed, is trying to "catch up" by learning from younger siblings.  It's estimated that children lose a month of development for every three months they spend in an orphanage.  So an institutionalized child who is chronologically six, is really developmentally on par with a four-year-old.  He'd have as a role model a two-year-old who's chronologically younger than he, as well as a four-year-old brother who's chronologically younger. 

And yet other concerns focus on the changing roles for the children in the family.  There's the adopted child who never has the opportunity to be "the baby" and the oldest child already in the home who relinquishes his role as oldest. 

The concern about changing roles is a little fuzzier in our case where we're considering adopting "in between" birth order.  I have no idea if "in between birth order" is an official term like "out of birth order" is, but it felt like an apt term for adopting a child between Oliver and Soren's ages, which would mean that Oliver stays the oldest and Soren stays the youngest.  They are not relinquishing their roles, especially Soren who would not move from youngest to the dreaded middle child.  Inserting a child in between Oliver and Soren will certainly affect the bond and relationship they have with each other and that's something I do worry a lot about.  But I also remember how worried I was when I was pregnant with Soren that the new baby would change the bond I had with Oliver. 

Chris and I have thought long and hard about these risks and issues and do take them seriously.  We struggle though with trying to decide what's right for our family.  We know academically what benefits and risks Oliver and Soren may face if we adopt a younger child versus an "in between" child, but knowing very, very little about a child we eventually match with, it's really only a wild guess about what would be best for him.

Soren Update: 2.5 Years

Soren loves waving at dogs and saying hi to them, which is ironic, because he's still terrified of them. If someone out walking a dog sees cute little kid waving at his or her dog, the person rightly assumes the kid wants to pet the dog.  However as soon as the dog is within two feet of Soren, he screams and the dog-owner ends up apologizing because he or she assumes the dog must have done something to purposefully scare Soren.

Soren talks up a storm now, but unfortunately, it's very difficult to understand him.  I often resort to asking Oliver for a translation.  I remember being worried about Oliver's speech development, but when I looked back at my blog post for him at this same age, I noted that he, too, was difficult to understand.  And he has no problems communicating now.

Then there are magical moments when Soren spouts out a multi-word sentence and speaks it clear as day.  And I think Soren can no longer be considered a baby, but instead a little boy with thoughts and opinions of his own.  

At bedtime, Soren still wants to climb into bed and adjust his blankets and stuffed animals all just so before I read him his book, and he still wants a cuddle and a kiss before I leave his room for the night, but he no longer pulls me close and if I try to snuggle and nuzzle him too closely, he actually pushes me away.  As minor as this little mark of independence from mom and dad is, it nevertheless makes me sad. 

Soren goes to bed easily and happily, as long as you don't scrimp on the bedtime story, but gosh is this kid not really a morning person.  He has such an easy-going personality, but lately he's been sleeping later (not complaining there!) and when I wake him to get him ready for daycare, he protests loudly and throws his covers over his head or flips himself over and buries his head face-first in his pillow.  It's like he's a teenager.  I leave the light on and go about my morning routine and usually a few minutes later he wants a hug and is finally ready to start his day. 

He's showing other signs of independence by wanting to do more things for himself.  We have a new stool in the kitchen that has two steps to it and he very quickly figured out that if he drags it over to his booster seat or the bar stool, he can climb in and out of the chair by himself and it's clear he likes this independence. He tries to put his shoes on by himself (even though he only manages to get his toes in) and sometimes shows in interest in helping me dress him.  He still lets me pick out his clothes, but definitely has his favorite pieces of clothing, like the shirt with two bears on it.  Before he will put the shirt on, he has to point to the larger bear and yell, "Daddy bear!" And then he puts to the smaller bear and yells, "Soren!"

He still wants to be babied when going up or down the stairs, at which point he raises his little arms up towards me and says, "Carry me." If I'm not carrying something I oblige, because it's a moment where my little boy is still a little boy. 

And little he still is.  Because the size 18-month pants are too short, we moved Soren into size 2T pants, but we have the roll the pants legs up to make them fit.  The 2T tops fit him quite well.  Most of Soren's wardrobe used to belong to Oliver and seeing him in those clothes brings back memories of when Oliver was his age. 

Minnesota recently experienced a few days of spring and it got warm enough that I had to open the windows on our second level to let the air circulate.  Because of the open windows, our neighbors who were enjoying an al fresco dinner on their patio, were serenaded with the screams and wails of my children taking their baths.  Soren is back to really, really hating baths.  Which is why this winter we only bathed the kids about once a week because that's all we had the energy for.  But once summer arrives and they come home from daycare covered in sweat, sand and sunscreen, daily baths will be a necessity.  I need to brace myself now.  And maybe gift the neighbors a box of earplugs.

Even though Soren really dislikes baths, there's a lot he loves.  Like his blocks, trains, books, building forts out of blankets and couch cushions, stuffed animals, drawing, painting and doing ANYTHING Oliver is doing.  He remains a good eater for being a toddler.  He goes through stages where he's pickier than other times, but you can put almost anything in front of him without fear of a huge protest.  He might not eat it, but he doesn't scream about it, and if it sits in front of him long enough, he might even start nibbling.  Right now he loves granola bars, raisins, animal crackers, cheese, yogurt, sandwiches, pasta, pancakes, waffles, oh, and tofu.  When I serve him a dish with tofu, that's the only part of the dish he eats!  And with gusto! His milk consumption has finally slowed down.  I remember Oliver's interest in drinking milk with meals dropped off pretty suddenly around age two, but Soren still wants a sippy cup of milk with most meals, even if he doesn't drink the amount he used to.  

Like Oliver, it took Soren weeks to fully get in the groove of daycare.  And when he did, he didn't look back at me when I dropped him off in his classroom, and, instead, headed straight for the group of kids gathered around the table where the morning activity was set out.  Exactly a week later they transitioned Soren to an older classroom and the crying and lunging for me when I tried to leave started all over again.  Luckily, a transition to a new classroom was easier than starting at a new daycare, and after a week, he started marching into daycare each morning like he owned the place.  And it warms my heart when the teachers from his old classroom coo over him in the hallway and tell me how much they miss him.  He's already made an impact on his new teachers, one of whom told me Soren is her favorite and then gushed about what a good-natured kid he is and how well he gets along with all the other kids.  I'm sure they tell all parents that, but gosh, it still made me proud.   

With all that he does at daycare, it's no wonder when the weekend rolls around and you ask him what he wants to do, he tells you that he either wants to stay home or play at home.  Despite the endless source of energy toddlers appear to be, even they need some time to chill out and enjoy down-time. 

Little Boys Who Make Their Mothers Proud

Chris's mom, my grandmother and I all have a common bond - we're the moms of boys.  It's often that I look at Oliver and Soren and wonder if this is what Chris and his brother of my dad and my uncle were like at the same age.  And I try to imagine my mother-in-law and my grandmother, both the calm, sweet, and everything-is-always-under-control types as young mothers and wonder if they really could have felt as unprepared and ill-suited for parenting as some days leave me feeling.  And when I look at my husband, he reminds me that as crazy, silly and energetic as my little boys are, they will grow up to be men someday, just like their dad. 

Chris's mom sent me an e-mail the other day that assured me that what I consider to be unbelievable will happen - my boys will grow up.  She was responding to my recent Oliver update to tell me how much he reminds her so much of Chris when he was Oliver's age.  

I’ve been there with the food obsessions, the whining (remind me to tell you about the Bakers Square whine), and the lack of height.  Rest assured, the short and whining little boys with food issues grow up to be wonderful men and fathers who make their moms PROUD. 

Ferris Wheel

It's a common analogy to compare adoption to riding a roller coaster.  It's scary and it's thrilling all at the same time and it literally has its ups and downs.

I decided it's better instead to think of the adoption process as a Ferris wheel.  As we wait for our turn to get off - and we will eventually get off - let's at least enjoy the view from the top. 

The Ferris wheel in Ocean City, N.J., where I spent childhood summers

He Won't Be Our Son

We thought we were going to China. The baby with the fuzzy hair and chubby cheeks, whose nannies had nicknamed "Pumpkin" was going to be ours if we said yes.  We had found our son, we thought. The wait was finally over.  Then an e-mail appeared in my inbox from the International Adoption Clinic with unexpected news.  

Our agency had called me in mid-March with the referral of a ten-month-old boy with a repaired cleft lip, unrepaired cleft palate and a possible heart condition.  His file was a partnership file, meaning that he lives at an orphanage our agency has a special relationship with.  This orphanage periodically sends our agency files they think can be matched among our agency's waiting families.  I received the call at work, where the China team liaison went through the basic information of the file and asked if we wanted to consider the referral. "Of course!" I said. 

All we received was nine pages, four pre-operative pictures taken months prior and one, just one, post-operative picture taken the day before.  There was nothing in his file that really caused me much concern, even the heart condition, but with my lack of medical knowledge, I wasn't sure what to look for.  When looking at his picture, though, all I could think was that something didn't seem right.  But one picture, especially one where he's not looking directly at the camera, wasn't enough to go on.  And besides, he seemed healthy. And Chris was so giddy over him.  

The doctor who reviewed his file at the International Adoption Clinic immediately had the same concerns I had when looking at his picture, and also said his medical report indicated possible developmental delays beyond what one would expect from an institutionalized child.  She asked us to request more information from the orphanage, a process our agency facilitated.

I didn't realize how agonizing the wait for this information would be.  One week went by, and then another.  Chris and I had agreed that we would not move on without answers to our questions.  It was frustrating to be in such limbo.  We wanted to talk about him as our son, but felt we couldn't.  

When we finally heard back from the orphanage, I was elated, but then frustrated that not all our questions were adequately answered and despite asking for a headshot like the doctor had requested, we were sent a picture, again just one, of him looking down!  Yet, what we saw in the new information was still promising.  In the videos they sent us, he looked happy and well-taken care of.  While we understood none of the Chinese spoken by the nannies, we could still make out his nickname, which his nannies cheerfully called to him.  After an emotional conversation, Chris and I decided we were going to officially say yes. 

The next day I was working on the acceptance paperwork and an e-mail from the doctor in response to the updated information I had sent her the day before appeared in my inbox.  I was expecting her to say that everything looked great, but instead she expressed serious concern about his lack of growth and the risks associated with that.  I immediately called the number at the bottom of the e-mail and was surprised to get a hold of the doctor directly on the first ring.  She explained how hard of a case this is because she couldn't confidently say that he was going to be fine.  In her gut she hoped that with love, good nutrition and enrichment provided by an adoptive family, he would quickly catch up to his peers and thrive.  But she kept going back to the growth charts where his measurements put him on the border of what she referred to as the "danger zone."  If his height, weight and head circumference measurements had been in that zone, she would have definitely concluded he will experience permanent cognitive delays.

Chris and I were shocked by this news.  We feel fully prepared cleft lip and palate and the surgeries and therapies our child will require, but not for delays that mean our child will never live fully independently.  It broke my heart to say no to a child who might have more serious issues, but I don't think I was ever going to be comfortable with 50/50 chances.  Given time, we might have been able to better assess his needs, but in the adoption process, we don't have the gift of time.  We have to make a final decision shortly after a referral. 

I go back and forth between feeling guilty and sadness and feeling at peace with our decision.  Our agency promised me they would be able to find a family for this child, but I don't know if they just said that to make me feel better.  I definitely didn't feel better that night when I stopped in Soren's room to kiss him goodnight before I went to bed.  I bent over to kiss him and he nuzzled me and I stroked his hair.  And I cried at the thought that I have no idea if the child I'm leaving behind has someone too who will check on him tonight, find his fallen pacifier or missing polar bear stuffed animal, and kiss and love him.