Expanding Our Search

Another month's release of files of children newly eligible for adoption came and went this past Monday with no match for our family.  Prior to learning the date of the April release, we had scheduled a meeting with our social worker to discuss out-of-birth-order placements.  It was timely that our meeting ended up being the day after our third attempt at a match from the shared list, because after another month with no match, discussing the possibility of expanding the age group we're eligible to adopt gave us a boost of hope.  

We've been approaching this adoption with the intent to preserve the birth order of our family, which means we would adopt a child younger than Soren.  That is the scenario our agency supports based on what they consider adoption best practices and it seemed logical to us to take advantage of our experiences as parents by adopting a child at an age we've already had experience with.  I get what interests drive a two-year-old and what milestones they should be meeting; a seven-year-old, well, I have no clue. 

Our agency considers an adoption "in birth order" if the adopted child is at least nine months younger than the youngest child in the home.  If the adopted child's age is within nine months, older or younger, than another child already in the home, that is considered "virtual twinning" or "artificial twinning," even if the children will be in different grades in school due to the timing of their birth dates.  Thus, if we were to adopt a child six months older than Soren, (say, an April 2011 birthday) our agency would consider this to be an out-of-birth-order and artificial twinning placement.

You're probably wondering why all the talk about birth order and artificial twinning and what the big deal is.  I have always wanted twins you're probably thinking.  So why not create twins?

Of the many things I've learned in adoption, one is that adopting out of birth order creates additional risks to an already challenging situation.  The most worrisome risk for Chris and me is that an older child who has experienced abuse (physical, sexual, emotional) prior to adoption is more likely to show aggression to a younger sibling than an older sibling.  The thought of one sibling abusing another sibling scares the bejesus out of me. 

A less scary scenario, but nevertheless challenging, is that a child who is already developmentally delayed, is trying to "catch up" by learning from younger siblings.  It's estimated that children lose a month of development for every three months they spend in an orphanage.  So an institutionalized child who is chronologically six, is really developmentally on par with a four-year-old.  He'd have as a role model a two-year-old who's chronologically younger than he, as well as a four-year-old brother who's chronologically younger. 

And yet other concerns focus on the changing roles for the children in the family.  There's the adopted child who never has the opportunity to be "the baby" and the oldest child already in the home who relinquishes his role as oldest. 

The concern about changing roles is a little fuzzier in our case where we're considering adopting "in between" birth order.  I have no idea if "in between birth order" is an official term like "out of birth order" is, but it felt like an apt term for adopting a child between Oliver and Soren's ages, which would mean that Oliver stays the oldest and Soren stays the youngest.  They are not relinquishing their roles, especially Soren who would not move from youngest to the dreaded middle child.  Inserting a child in between Oliver and Soren will certainly affect the bond and relationship they have with each other and that's something I do worry a lot about.  But I also remember how worried I was when I was pregnant with Soren that the new baby would change the bond I had with Oliver. 

Chris and I have thought long and hard about these risks and issues and do take them seriously.  We struggle though with trying to decide what's right for our family.  We know academically what benefits and risks Oliver and Soren may face if we adopt a younger child versus an "in between" child, but knowing very, very little about a child we eventually match with, it's really only a wild guess about what would be best for him.