Dossier to China

After months on the great adoption "paper chase," our dossier is finally complete and on its way to China!  The dossier is our official application to the People's Republic of China to adopt a child from their country.  In adoption lingo, we are now at the DTC (dossier to China) stage of the process.  

Once our dossier is reviewed by Chinese officials, we'll receive a log-in date (LID) and at that point, we'll be eligible for a referral (a match with a child eligible for international adoption).  And that's when the next waiting stage begins.  A referral could take a month, three months, six months....18.

I thought being DTC would mean a lull in the paperwork, but an e-mail from our agency alerting us that our dossier was on its way to China was followed immediately by another one with the paperwork we need to return to our agency in preparation for a referral.  At least it's something to keep us busy while we anxiously await our LID and anything having to do with the referral process makes adoption feel more real. 

Beautiful Winter Weekend

Back in Pennsylvania, my grandmother was complaining about the temperature dropping to 28 degrees and freezing her car doors shut.  (I'm calling it - user error.)  I told her, if car doors generally freeze shut at just below the freezing mark, we'd never go anywhere over here in Minnesota.  At this point in the winter, 28 degrees would honestly feel AWESOME.  Especially if the sun is shining. The bummer about this winter is that it's been so cold that there have been fewer opportunities to get outside and enjoy Minnesota with snow on the ground.

That's why last weekend was so glorious.  It was a respite, get this, when temps topped 40 degrees. And it was sunny.  And that great weather fell on a weekend!  Sunday ended up being a rare day we got to spend primarily outdoors.  It was the kind of day where as long as you had warm layers over your core body, you could pull your hat and mittens off and bask in the sun.  That felt good after going up and down the sledding hill. 

Chris waxed the toboggan and it went much faster this time!

Oops!  Lost one!

We made it back outside after nap to watch the final games of the Pond Hockey Championship.  We parked the car near the lake and took the short-cut to the rinks - straight across the ice on a foot-beaten path.  The sun was so bright reflecting off the snow that I was happy we'd remembered to bring sunglasses for the kids.  

Walking across Lake Nokomis to reach the hockey games

After a stop in the warming hut to get the kids hot chocolate, we went back outside for the start of the finals.  Not wanting to push through the crowds to watch the Open Division final, we opted for the Rink Rat final.  We just wanted to see hockey and we got front-row seats.  Sometimes that meant being a little too close to the action.  With no protective glass and boards only knee-high, skirmishes over the puck happened an arm's length away. 

Despite the ideal weather conditions, Oliver declared he prefers watching hockey "in a building."  And that is the reason we dragged him out to a frozen lake in South Minneapolis, because pond hockey - played outdoors - is the purest form of the sport.  Obviously, that notion is still lost on him, but he's still young. 

Oliver was content to watch the game as long as he had a hot chocolate in hand.

Pancake Wednesday

"Breakfast for Dinner" started as an every-once-in-awhile occurrence, reserved for those nights when we really dropped the ball on dinner, but over time, became more and more regular, as in once a week regular.  That was just out of pure laziness.  We have a waffle iron, so we make a huge batch of waffles, freeze the leftovers and then pop them in the toaster for a quick meal. And you can fry eggs in about the time it takes to toast the waffles. "Breakfast for Dinner" is one of the few meals I can put together with a screaming child hanging on to each leg. 

Our nanny had also discovered the ease of breakfast foods.  While my standards for the kids' lunches consisted of sandwiches, Liula often made elaborate dishes from scratch from whatever she found in my kitchen. (And for the most part, the kids ate it!)  But she was also super busy with the kids and Wednesdays ended up being the hardest day of the week for her.  Oliver had preschool until lunch time and she took Soren to story time and missed out on her lunch prep time.  I don't know if she was trying to find a use for the copious amount of pure maple syrup we always have on hand, but she found a recipe for pancakes in one of my cookbooks and discovered they were a hit with the kids.  Oliver soon started inquiring about what day of the week it was.  I think he's at that age where he's starting to grasp the concept of time, but we also suspect all he wanted to know was whether it was Wednesday or not.

After our nanny moved on, we could finally justify having breakfast for dinner once a week.  We were simply honoring her by continuing the practice of Pancake Wednesday.  There are some weeks when I feel really guilty that I'm not serving my kids dinner with at least one vegetable and a lot less sugar.  And then there are the weeks I actually relax about it and enjoy what has become a silly (and tasty) family tradition. 

Good Old-Fashioned Pancakes

• 1 ½ cups all-purpose flour
• 3 ½ teaspoons baking powder 
•  ¼ teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon white sugar
• 1 ¼ cups skim milk (a little more for thinner pancakes) 
• 1 egg
• ½ teaspoon vanilla 
•  3 tablespoons butter, melted

Directions

1. In a large bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Make a well in the center and pour in the milk, egg, vanilla and melted butter; mix until smooth.
2. Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately ¼ cup for each pancake. Brown on both sides and serve hot.

Yield: 8 pancakes

I modified this recipe slightly from one I found at http://allrecipes.com/recipe/good-old-fashioned-pancakes/.  I love thick, fluffy pancakes and this is the best recipe is a winner every time. We double the recipe and freeze any leftover pancakes. 

January Referral Release

Tonight hundreds of children in China will finally find families, not just in the United States, but across the world.  Once a month, China releases the files of children newly eligible for international adoption.  Social workers from Finland to the United States, and Holland to Canada, will be waiting at their computers.  Once the files are available, social workers review basic info (child's age, sex, special need(s), etc.) and work to match children with families who meet the child's needs and "lock" the file.  It sounds like a strange way to make families, but that's what's happening.  Tonight will make orphans sons and daughters, and for many couples, tonight will finally make them parents.

Tonight will not be the night we get "the call" since our dossier hasn't been yet sent to China, so I'm a little down we have potentially many more months to wait.  Even so, it's still a special night because I know a lot of prayers will be answered. 

Sleeping Angels

Evenings are a difficult time of day.  The kids are tired and hungry.  Chris and I are tired and hungry.  As we try to prepare dinner, Soren is usually screaming for his milk and Oliver is taking advantage of his parents being distracted with dinner to take a swipe at Soren.  (Too bad for him that Mom really does have eyes in the back of her head.)  It's loud and it's chaotic.  It's frustrating. We thought we'd left the witching hour behind when our kids were no longer newborns. 

I count it as a success that we sit down for family dinners, but peaceful family dinners, no we're not there yet.  The kids are in and out of their chairs.  We remind Soren not to shriek and Oliver to use his indoor voice.  A minimum of one child will spill his cup of water, sometimes multiple times.  The other will complain (loudly) he doesn't like what's for dinner.  Even when we serve pizza. 

By the time the kids go to bed, I often feel like a failure of a parent.  I should have yelled less.  I should have ignored my kids when they yelled.  I should have employed the discipline techniques we discuss in ECFE instead of the empty threats of time-outs.  

If there's anything that gives me hope that tomorrow is a new day and that tomorrow my kids will listen and I'll be more patient, it's the sight of my little boys sounds asleep.  No matter how crazy the evening had been or how loudly they had played, they look so angelic.  I already mourn they day when they no longer sleep with stuffed animals, because there's nothing more innocent than a little boy sleeping with his arm draped over his teddy bear. 

I can't go to sleep without checking on them now.  It's become part of my routine, along with checking that the lights have been turned off and the doors are locked.  It's part of knowing that everyone is safe and all is right.  Every single night, I kiss and snuggle each one.  I return stuffed animals to the bed and pull up covers to warm sleeping bodies.  I whisper I love you and feel so grateful these little boys are mine.  

Morning Glory Muffins

My kids love carbs.  I think that's normal for this age, but it stresses me out sometimes when I'm trying to encourage eating a variety of foods.  Knowing that I like to bake, a friend gave me this Morning Glory Muffins recipe and I knew looking at the ingredients, that if I was going to feed my kids a carb-laden snack, at least this one covered some key nutritional areas - dairy, fruits, vegetables, protein, healthy fats and lots of fiber.  Oliver gobbled up the inaugural batch and I knew I had a winner.  

Years later, I'm still making these muffins, as are many of my friends with young children.  They've fed hungry toddlers at park playdates and rec center tot times.  They're easy to make, aren't too sweet despite the sugar and they freeze well.  I store them in large Ziplocs in the freezer and then pull a couple out ahead of snack time. 

Morning Glory Muffins

• 3/4 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup oil
• 1/2 cup plain yogurt
• 3 eggs
• 1 1/2 cups whole-wheat flour
• 1/2 cup flaxseed meal
• 2 tsp. baking soda
• 1 tsp. salt
• 2 tsp. cinnamon
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 1 1/2 cups grated carrots
• 1 1/2 cups grated apples
• 3/4 cup coconut (unsweetened)
• 1/2 raisins
• 1/2 cup chopped pecans (optional)

Mix all ingredients, adding carrots and fruit last. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes.

Makes 24 muffins.

Dossier Authentication Update

Our dossier is at the Chinese Embassy in Washington D.C. waiting authentication and translation.  Our agency has nothing beyond that to tell us and considers no news, good news. 

Every adoption agency appears to approach the dossier process a little differently.  With our agency, we mail the dossier to them and somehow, they are permitted to submit the dossier directly to the Chinese Embassy in Washington D.C. for authentication.  Without this expedited step, Chris and I would have had to courier most of our dossier to the Chinese consulate in Chicago (which handles authentications from documents state sealed in Minnesota) and my birth certificate to the consulate in New York.  Instead, once the authentication is complete, the consulate will mail the dossier back to our agency, who will upload it into the CCCWA's system, and then mail the hard copy to China.  I'm so relieved to not be responsible for the dossier anymore!  After months of managing paperwork, it's officially out of my hands.  

"Reading" to Himself

Early yesterday morning we heard Oliver's voice right outside our bedroom door.  With morning grogginess, it took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about.  Then I recognized that he was "reading" himself books that I hadn't realized he had memorized.  The days of Oliver yelling to us from his bed that he was awake seemed so long ago.  I guess my conversations with him about respecting others who are still sleeping and the need for him to entertain himself (quietly) in the morning might have fine sunk in. 

I noticed Chris was awake and whispered, asking him if he noticed Oliver was reading to himself.  We lay there quietly and listened to the innocent sound of Oliver's four-year-old voice as he read himself Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See and Wet Dog.  It was such a treat to listen to the sound of Oliver's voice when he thought no one else was listening.  I was amazed at how well he knew most of the words.  Of course I know most of those books by heart now too, and so I laughed when he clearly paraphrased a longer section.  It was fun to hear his take on the story.  Then he picked up a picture book and started with, "This is a front-end loader. And on this page, these are firetrucks and so on."  He talked out loud to himself for a little while longer while he pointed out pictures.  I wondered how long he would keep reading, but when Soren stirred, we knew it was time to get out of bed.  Oliver heard us rustle, dropped his book and popped into our room.  Our impromptu story hour was over.  

Openness About Adoption

We've been more or less an open book about adoption. It's such an intrusive process that it's ironically empowering to talk about the process because for once we're choosing what we share, when and how we frame the discussion.

There are so many misunderstandings about adoption that by not talking about our experience, I feel like we'll perpetuate the notion that adoption begins the day we meet our child.  I want people in our lives to understand the time involved and the complex emotions and decisions that come with adoption.  That in itself is a process that starts with dialogue. 

Being willing to talk about our adoption experience does open us up that much more to criticism.  And by presenting myself as an open book means some people think they can ask me any question.  But there are always going to be insensitive people who speak without thinking, and criticism is going to come eventually, especially when we are adopting a child who looks nothing like us, so our family's making is going to be obvious to everyone we encounter.  I'd rather address people's questions in smaller increments and give friends and family time and space to learn about adoption before our child comes home. 

By being so open about our plans to adopt, I feel we've reduced the number of awkward questions about when we're going to have another baby, or worse, suggesting outright that I'm pregnant and hiding the news from people.  (Thanks nosy co-worker...) But when I told people we weren't going to have any more biological children after the fiasco that was my ectopic pregnancy, I heard one too many times the comments like about how as soon as people don't try to get pregnant, that's when they do.  Being upfront about our plans to adopt put an end to those "just relax" types of comments and shifted the conversation to one that was both joyful and supportive of the path we're on. 

Adoption and FMLA

Yes, FMLA applies to adoption.  That's why it's called the Family and Medical Leave Act, because it protects employees who take leave for medical reasons and/or to take care of family, including parents who adopt and/or have foster children.  Therefore, when talking about FMLA and leave from work, I like using the term "parental leave" because it encompasses terms like maternity leave, paternity leave and adoption leave and I want to get away from language that implies that only women get leave or should take leave.

So, yes, I will take parental leave after the adoption.  It surprises me how many people are surprised when they hear that.  But I try to be patient because I know those who are unfamiliar with adoption don't understand how our trip to China isn't a vacation, how important and challenging forming attachment with a new child is and how the weeks and months after the adoption of a child are just as exhausting and life-changing as they are after the birth of a child.

Chris and I still don't know how much leave each of us will take.  Much of it will depend upon the timing of the adoption, the needs of our child, what my employer will allow (if I choose to extend leave beyond the 12 weeks guaranteed by FMLA) and what we can afford.  Due to many factors, I'll most likely take the bulk of the leave.  Because FMLA only protects your job and health benefits, and does not provide pay, I will use up my vacation and sick time and the remainder of my leave will be unpaid.  The only difference is that if I had given birth to our child, instead of adopted him, short-term disability would have covered a portion of my salary.  That's the one area where adoptive parents get the short end of the stick. 

As much as I had researched my rights under FMLA before starting the adoption process, I was still pleasantly surprised that I could use FMLA and sick time simultaneously for the time I needed off work to attend home study visits with our social worker, consultations with doctors at the International Adoption Clinic and our biometrics appointment with the USCIS.  Using sick time meant I got paid and FMLA protected my job.  (Not that I felt I needed protection, but it was more a matter of protocol.)  I'm fortunate at my company to still have separate sick time and vacation time and that I can count the time I take for the kids' doctors appointments or to stay home with them when they aren't feeling well as sick time.  But it never occurred to me that I could use sick time for an unidentified child who is not yet legally ours, and for appointments that weren't medically-related.  But it was welcome news and made me feel as supported as my pregnant co-worker. 

Having to Say No

It breaks my heart to have to say no.  So far there are two little boys in China who desperately need families and Chris and I had to be honest about what medical needs we can handle and how much of a leap of faith with uncertainty we're comfortable taking.  While we've been waiting for our dossier to go to China, we've had the opportunity to review referrals for children from the Waiting Child List.  These are children who either have significant needs and/or were not matched during the monthly referral process.  For two particular boys, I've stared at their pictures, googled nearly every piece of medical information in their referrals and hated the unfairness of their diagnoses.  Mostly, I've been hating myself for not being strong enough.

Chris reminds me that we can't go through with adoption trying to save the world.  We are not heroes.  We are two parents with two young children who need so much of our attention.  Daily life is already chaotic and busy and stressful.

Some might criticize us for choosing which needs we will and won't take for an adopted child when we didn't get that choice for our biological children.  In my opinion, there is choice when it comes to biological children.  If you're not HIV-positive and neither is your partner, your baby will not be born HIV-positive.  If you and your partner are not carriers of a genetic disease, your child will not be born with that disease.  Chris and I did choose a child without HIV or certain genetic diseases.  There was plenty that my children could have been born with, but there was a lot more I knew would be either impossible to occur with my children, or would have been unlikely. 

When Chris and I first filled out the "openness" form for China adoption where we selected the medical conditions we would and would not consider, the list terrified and overwhelmed me.  Six months later, fewer of those diagnoses scare me, even some really serious ones. Yet it's not always the diagnosis itself that causes the biggest worry.  I question whether he's gotten the right treatment and whether it was done early enough.  I wonder whether he's gotten the follow-up care he's needed.  I wonder if the original diagnosis is made worse by untreated side effects or just the effects of institutionalization.  I wonder what hasn't been diagnosed.  I wonder if the original diagnosis, the one causes one prospective adoptive family after another to pause is even correct.  The answers to most of these questions we'll never learn or 100% trust. 

I watch the short videos on repeat that the social worker sent me and reread the referral information.  He looks so healthy I think.  What I'm seeing in the video doesn't match what I think of a child with this diagnosis.  I tell myself that the referral information must be wrong.  

Or the scant information in front of me could be correct.  I do believe life can give you more than you can handle.  And I do believe it's possible survive whatever life throws at you, but at what cost?  I feel torn between the little one who deserves a family and the three who are already part of my family. 

So those are all the questions Chris and I ask ourselves over and over, yet there is no right answer.  The rationale side of me knows all this.  My heart can still ache. 

Brrr it's Cold

Other parts of the country get snow days, but in Minnesota, school kids get "cold days," at least according to legend.  I don't know how often schools have actually closed because of the cold, because schools actually seldom close around here due to any kind of weather, but native Minnesotans claim it's happened.   

So I feel a little more Minnesotan today - I've finally witnessed temperatures so low schools closed.  Last Friday the governor issued a rare order ahead of the latest cold front.  With especially brutal temperatures predicted to hit today, he proactively shut down all K-12 public schools statewide.  Private schools, daycare centers, colleges and even some businesses quickly followed suit.  With a high of -14, (with wind chills in the negative 40s), well that is just a whole new level of cold.  You can't have kids waiting at bus stops and risking frostbite. 

Despite the governor's order to shut down schools, the state, my employer, remained open today.  And with news outlets reporting extensively on the school closures, Chris's work proactively e-mailed its employees reminding them that despite the school closings and harsh temperatures, it is business as usual for the company.  If Chris and I had to work, luckily, our children's daycare remained open.  Since it's a company-sponsored center, it's officially policy is that if the office remains open, so does the center.

With all the hype about the weather, I was really curious what -45 feels like.  While hypothermia and frostbite are real dangers when exposed to the elements for too long, it's not like you get frostbite the instant you step outside.  I made sure skin was covered as I prepared myself and the kids to make the dash to the car, but I wasn't wearing any more than I usually wear on a winter morning.  I didn't even put a hat on Oliver since the hood of his winter coat fits snugly around his head. 

The real inconvenience is that none of my car doors would open this morning, except for the trunk.  So I climbed in through the back and made my way to the driver's seat where with anticipation, I turned the key.  Since it's a newer car, I mostly had faith it was going to start.  The engine sputtered, but the car started.  (For those wondering, it was -21F/-43 windchill.) 

Oh, and I dropped a gallon of milk on our front stoop when I was bringing in groceries yesterday and the plastic carton split and gushed milk, which took all of 30 seconds to freeze.  Since salt doesn't work at these temperatures, I packed snow on top of the spilled milk so we wouldn't have to look at (or slip on) what looked like frozen vomit. 

Honestly, the extra cold weather wasn't that bad, at least for someone with a warm house, proper winter attire, a reliable car and no need to spend extended time outside. While this weather is unusually cold, Minnesota winters are known for cold.  Whether it's 14 degrees or -14, at the end of the day, the actual number doesn't matter so much.  It's logistically challenging to spend much extended time outdoors with little kids in the winter anyway, and we're used to making do with indoor activities.  At least once a winter we get a days-long stretch of temperatures that don't rise above 0, so extreme weather conditions aren't unusual.  Sure, those are the days that we can't do any playing outside because of that pesky threat called frostbite, but we make do. Life goes on, just with chapped lips and skin cracked at the fingertips.  

Low-Key Birthday

The truth about having a birthday right after Christmas is that I'm honestly exhausted by the time January 6 rolls around.  The post-holiday exhaustion has only gotten worse since having kids.  The build-up starts in the fall with the kids' and Chris's birthday and our anniversary.  Then comes the craziness of the Thanksgiving-through-New Year's period.  Even when I say this is the year I'll have party, I end up running out of time to plan anything.

Prior to my birthday, everyone has spent weeks attending holiday parties, eating and drinking a lot and staying out late.  By the time my birthday rolls around, you're either still sticking to your New Year's resolution of eating better and drinking less and the last you want is for my birthday cake to ruin your new-found healthy habits, or you just want a nap.  Thus I actually feel guilty asking anyone to celebrate with me.

I may not be a big celebrator of my birthday, but I like to do something.  And so I vowed that this year I really would do something, even if it was small.  I e-mailed a handful of friends in the middle of the week to see who was around on Saturday.  One friend immediately confirmed she could make it.  Even if no one else could come over on such short notice, I officially had birthday plans!

Having very little time forced me to keep things simple.  I think what overwhelmed me in past years was getting hung up on thinking a party required lots of planning.  All I really needed to host a birthday dinner was a meal, cake and wine.  To save on a trip to the store, I ordered groceries online for the first time and then cooked a big pot of chili the night before and baked cornbread from the Jiffy box mix.  Even though I prefer to bake my own cakes or cupcakes because I enjoy baking (and because I'm frugal), I again opted for convenience and bought cupcakes from a local bakery.  There was a mad scramble on Saturday afternoon as I attempted to clean with two kids present in the house, but once Chris took them swimming at the Y, I had the time I needed to put toys away, clean up and set out drinks and food.  

Despite the last-minute planning, the evening ended up being exactly the kind of birthday celebration I had hoped for.  A lively group of friends, good wine (and no where to drive) and lots of laughter. 

Hope

Hope is what I feel for 2014.  Despite the journey we have ahead of us, I have hope this is the year we'll bring our child home.  Our family is about to expand in ways I never would have dreamed of just a few months ago and my heart is filled with joy.