My labor with Oliver was long and tiring. On this day four years ago , I was so exhausted and not even the euphoria of having given birth to a child was enough to counteract my desperation for a good night's sleep. Fast forward four years and Oliver allowed me to sleep in! I was surprised and thankful when I woke up this morning and saw the clock read 7:30 a.m. and heard not a rustle of activity from either Oliver or Soren's rooms. It was almost 8:30 a.m. by the time I got out of bed. Such a "late" morning is unheard of in my world anymore.
Since Oliver's birthday falls on a Sunday this year, he ended up with a weekend full of fun birthday activities. In lieu of a birthday party, he invited one of his best buddies, Archer, to spend yesterday afternoon at Como Town, a little amusement park adjacent to the city zoo. We had visited the zoo earlier this summer and he spotted the "playground," which he was more interested in than the animals. He was so upset he wasn't allowed to go in, but yesterday he finally got his chance. He and Archer "raced" cars around a track (top speed was probably 1 mph!), rode a train and laughed themselves dizzy on the spinning teacups. Jenn and I enjoyed catching up while the kids rode the rides and then the four of us went out to dinner afterward.
The weather was glorious today - cloudless skies and unseasonably warm - the perfect day to celebrate a four-year-old's birthday with a bouncy castle and a Twins game. I can thank my neighbors for the bouncy castle. I was out for a walk with Soren when I saw that they still had the bouncy castle up they had rented the day before for a party. The family was in the yard playing, so we stopped in to say hello. Chris was at home getting Oliver ready to head out to the last Twins game of the season, so I texted him to come over. Oliver and Soren loved bouncing around in the castle and going down the huge slide. I even climbed in there and bounced with them. Then Chris announced it was time to leave and Oliver wanted to stay so badly that I literally had to drag him out of that thing.
The trip to the Twins game ultimately beat the experience of the bouncy castle. Oliver got to ride a train to the game, eat every possible not-good-for-your-health food the stadium has to offer and then run the bases after the game. He even got to make a sandcastle in the infield. It was quite the birthday for a four-year-old.
Kiera, Matteo, Oliver and Soren
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
On the Cusp of Turning Four
About a year and a half ago Oliver received his first real tricycle. It was a retro-looking Radio Flyer. Even after Chris had lowered the seat as far down as it would go, Oliver barely, just barely, fit on it. His feet didn't comfortably reach the pedals, but he didn't have any interest in using them anyway. Instead, he'd lean into the handle bars and would rapidly propel forward by pushing off from the sidewalk with his feet. His technique provided speed, but also many bruises from the pedals smacking against his shins!
This summer Oliver learned how to use the pedals. He had finally started to cruise around on his trike like a big boy, and then I realized that he looked, well, like a really big boy. The seat was suddenly too low for him and Chris kept raising the seat until it couldn't go any higher. A week later I watched Oliver pedal down the sidewalk and realized that even with the seat adjusted to its maximum height, he was too big for his tricycle.
On the cusp of turning four, Oliver is growing up. In a blink of an eye I know he'll be on the cusp of fourteen. But right now he's only four. He misses Mom and Dad while he's at preschool, sleeps with his teddy bear and lets me hold his hand.
As sweet and sensitive as Oliver is, he's got a wit about him. In a very serious and matter-of-fact tone of voice, Oliver told me, "We have to have a talk." The way he said it made me very nervous. What was his little soul going to confess? Or did he have a question I was going to be unable to answer? However, without missing a beat, he told me I make mac and cheese too hot for him. Apparently he was still miffed that I hadn't properly cooled down the previous night's dinner the way he likes it.
We continue to have food struggles with Oliver, particularly dinner. He'd prefer to eat a sandwich or mac and cheese every night for dinner if you'd allow him. The majority of dinners seem to be punctuated with (loud) declarations from Oliver that he doesn't like what's being served or that he's not going to eat any of it. He's also really curious about learning new words, so when I told him what the word "allergic" meant, he grew happy and excitedly told me he was allergic to soup, which, coincidentally, was what we were eating for dinner that night.
Like most four-year-olds, Oliver is chatty and curious. He always wants to know, "Why?" His vocabulary continues to increase and he uses better grammar than most people I encounter in the professional world. People mention how well-spoken he is. The only downside to Oliver's talkativeness is that when he speaks, though, he projects at only two decibel levels - high and higher.
We are still stressing the please and thank you, but have now also taught him that tone of voice also matters, not just saying please. We're teaching him to say excuse me before interrupting a conversation.
Oliver still likes playing with blocks and trains. He likes digging in the dirt and burying things in the sand at the playground or beach. He's particularly into arts and crafts right now. We have an art cupboard in our dining room and half the contents end up strewn around the dining room table - construction paper, paint sets, bottles of glue, pipe cleaners and puff balls.
Amidst the arts and crafts supplies, Oliver developed an obsession with tape, which only wanes when we stop restocking. He'd wrap up blocks or random pieces of paper around the house. Before I could throw away a large ball of newspaper wrapped in masking tape, I had to rip it apart to make sure there was nothing but paper inside of it.
Oliver can almost write his name...except for forgetting the "v" and putting all the vowels in a row. But at least he has an interest in writing letters, so he'll get here. He likes to ask us how to spell a word and then prints each letter as we say them. Spelling is one of the many instances where I'm amazed at Oliver's natural interest in learning. We never specifically taught him his colors, numbers or letter, but he's either learned seemingly on his own, or asks us to teach him.
Oliver learned how to rock climb this year with his dad and is more comfortable with swimming. He's come so far in the last two years when he screamed through his entire swim lessons! He's taking part in other activities that equally appeal to adults, like fishing and going out on the boat. Chris is finally realizing the dream he's carried with him since before Oliver was born and that is to share his favorite pastimes with his kids. Oliver has finally reached the age where he can be more a participant and less and observer.
Since Oliver had outgrown his tricycle, we found him a bike with training wheels on Craig's List. It came with a bell and a water bottle holder. For a kid who had been unsure what to make of his tricycle when he first got it, Oliver hopped on his new bike without hesitation. He zips up and down the sidewalk and races the neighbor girl. The training wheels don't slow him down for now, but someday too soon, he'll no longer need them.
This summer Oliver learned how to use the pedals. He had finally started to cruise around on his trike like a big boy, and then I realized that he looked, well, like a really big boy. The seat was suddenly too low for him and Chris kept raising the seat until it couldn't go any higher. A week later I watched Oliver pedal down the sidewalk and realized that even with the seat adjusted to its maximum height, he was too big for his tricycle.
On the cusp of turning four, Oliver is growing up. In a blink of an eye I know he'll be on the cusp of fourteen. But right now he's only four. He misses Mom and Dad while he's at preschool, sleeps with his teddy bear and lets me hold his hand.
As sweet and sensitive as Oliver is, he's got a wit about him. In a very serious and matter-of-fact tone of voice, Oliver told me, "We have to have a talk." The way he said it made me very nervous. What was his little soul going to confess? Or did he have a question I was going to be unable to answer? However, without missing a beat, he told me I make mac and cheese too hot for him. Apparently he was still miffed that I hadn't properly cooled down the previous night's dinner the way he likes it.
We continue to have food struggles with Oliver, particularly dinner. He'd prefer to eat a sandwich or mac and cheese every night for dinner if you'd allow him. The majority of dinners seem to be punctuated with (loud) declarations from Oliver that he doesn't like what's being served or that he's not going to eat any of it. He's also really curious about learning new words, so when I told him what the word "allergic" meant, he grew happy and excitedly told me he was allergic to soup, which, coincidentally, was what we were eating for dinner that night.
Like most four-year-olds, Oliver is chatty and curious. He always wants to know, "Why?" His vocabulary continues to increase and he uses better grammar than most people I encounter in the professional world. People mention how well-spoken he is. The only downside to Oliver's talkativeness is that when he speaks, though, he projects at only two decibel levels - high and higher.
We are still stressing the please and thank you, but have now also taught him that tone of voice also matters, not just saying please. We're teaching him to say excuse me before interrupting a conversation.
Oliver still likes playing with blocks and trains. He likes digging in the dirt and burying things in the sand at the playground or beach. He's particularly into arts and crafts right now. We have an art cupboard in our dining room and half the contents end up strewn around the dining room table - construction paper, paint sets, bottles of glue, pipe cleaners and puff balls.
Amidst the arts and crafts supplies, Oliver developed an obsession with tape, which only wanes when we stop restocking. He'd wrap up blocks or random pieces of paper around the house. Before I could throw away a large ball of newspaper wrapped in masking tape, I had to rip it apart to make sure there was nothing but paper inside of it.
Oliver can almost write his name...except for forgetting the "v" and putting all the vowels in a row. But at least he has an interest in writing letters, so he'll get here. He likes to ask us how to spell a word and then prints each letter as we say them. Spelling is one of the many instances where I'm amazed at Oliver's natural interest in learning. We never specifically taught him his colors, numbers or letter, but he's either learned seemingly on his own, or asks us to teach him.
Oliver learned how to rock climb this year with his dad and is more comfortable with swimming. He's come so far in the last two years when he screamed through his entire swim lessons! He's taking part in other activities that equally appeal to adults, like fishing and going out on the boat. Chris is finally realizing the dream he's carried with him since before Oliver was born and that is to share his favorite pastimes with his kids. Oliver has finally reached the age where he can be more a participant and less and observer.
Since Oliver had outgrown his tricycle, we found him a bike with training wheels on Craig's List. It came with a bell and a water bottle holder. For a kid who had been unsure what to make of his tricycle when he first got it, Oliver hopped on his new bike without hesitation. He zips up and down the sidewalk and races the neighbor girl. The training wheels don't slow him down for now, but someday too soon, he'll no longer need them.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Trust-Based Relational Interventions (TBRI) Seminar
I'm so excited to be adopting that I was looking forward to fulfilling the 30 hours of training our agency requires. We must complete at least ten hours before our home study is approved, another ten hours before we receive a referral and the final ten hours before we travel to China. One of the criticisms within the adoption world is that not all families are required to and/or receive proper training, so I completely support education for adoptive parents.
Unfortunately, the first twelve hours of training were a disappointment. Our agency essentially requires a specific online course and Chris and I were both bored and learned little. Webinars admittedly don't engage me much, but I found an experience I had hoped would be informative, to be painful. I felt like I learned more from reading blogs and talking to other adoptive parents.
So it was a relief to attend a training that was worth spending the better part of a fall Saturday indoors and hiring a babysitter to watch Soren and Oliver. I learned about the training from another Bethany family who brought their son home from China a year and a half ago. He was 15 months at the time - barely a toddler. I'm certain his parents have heard from many that their son is lucky he "doesn't remember anything," yet they told me how he exhibits plenty of "orphanage behaviors." They were so outspoken about the importance of not only teaching the realities of parenting adopted children, but of providing parents with skills and ideas they can use, that Bethany recently started requiring the training we attended today for all parents who adopt through their agency.
The seminar trained on the strategies behind the Trust-Based Relational Interventions (TBRI) model, which teaches families to support the nurturing, healing and empowerment of children "from hard places." Of the many eye-opening things I've learned about adoption it is that although the adoption is positive when children are placed in loving and stable families, children who've grown up in orphanages or who've had chaotic childhoods with inconsistent caregivers have suffered trauma. And even if that trauma occurs at a young age, those early years are formative and can have lasting effects on a child's behavior and ability to form attachments with family. The bottom line is that you have to parent adoptive children differently than biological children.
The training was at times empowering and other times sobering. We watched a lot of video clips of psychologists workings with children and it was difficult to witness their struggles with their feelings of anger, fear or frustration due to their pasts. One clip focused on a young boy who cried as he talked about a past I couldn't have made up when I was his age and I almost cried myself. While the training wasn't always comfortable, the message was that parents can learn the skills to help their children thrive.
Unfortunately, the first twelve hours of training were a disappointment. Our agency essentially requires a specific online course and Chris and I were both bored and learned little. Webinars admittedly don't engage me much, but I found an experience I had hoped would be informative, to be painful. I felt like I learned more from reading blogs and talking to other adoptive parents.
So it was a relief to attend a training that was worth spending the better part of a fall Saturday indoors and hiring a babysitter to watch Soren and Oliver. I learned about the training from another Bethany family who brought their son home from China a year and a half ago. He was 15 months at the time - barely a toddler. I'm certain his parents have heard from many that their son is lucky he "doesn't remember anything," yet they told me how he exhibits plenty of "orphanage behaviors." They were so outspoken about the importance of not only teaching the realities of parenting adopted children, but of providing parents with skills and ideas they can use, that Bethany recently started requiring the training we attended today for all parents who adopt through their agency.
The seminar trained on the strategies behind the Trust-Based Relational Interventions (TBRI) model, which teaches families to support the nurturing, healing and empowerment of children "from hard places." Of the many eye-opening things I've learned about adoption it is that although the adoption is positive when children are placed in loving and stable families, children who've grown up in orphanages or who've had chaotic childhoods with inconsistent caregivers have suffered trauma. And even if that trauma occurs at a young age, those early years are formative and can have lasting effects on a child's behavior and ability to form attachments with family. The bottom line is that you have to parent adoptive children differently than biological children.
The training was at times empowering and other times sobering. We watched a lot of video clips of psychologists workings with children and it was difficult to witness their struggles with their feelings of anger, fear or frustration due to their pasts. One clip focused on a young boy who cried as he talked about a past I couldn't have made up when I was his age and I almost cried myself. While the training wasn't always comfortable, the message was that parents can learn the skills to help their children thrive.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Not All Children Are Adopted
Oliver and Soren received a new cousin yesterday when Cousin Ashley gave birth to Levi. Based on chatter on Facebook, I had suspected that Ashley had gone into labor the day before, so I was very excited when I received an e-mail this morning confirming that she had given birth. I pulled up the pictures of Baby Levi for Oliver and Soren to see and gleefully introduced them to their new cousin. Oliver looked at the pictures, and to my surprise, asked, "Is he going to be adopted too?
Chris and I have been talking with the kids a lot about adoption. We have a couple of adoption books we read to them and Oliver knows he's going to get a new brother or sister from a far, far away place called China. He knows that adoption is a way to form families, but I think we have neglected to talk about why some children are placed for adoption and others stay with their birth mothers and fathers, because Oliver suddenly believes that all children are adopted. Thankfully, Baby Levi has parents who can take care of him, I explained, so he'll stay with Cousin Matt and Cousin Ashley, but other children are raised by adoptive parents if their birth parents can't take care of them. I started to ramble and it looked like I was losing him, so I cut myself off.
Oliver looked back at the picture and said very genuinely, "Awww, cute!"
Chris and I have been talking with the kids a lot about adoption. We have a couple of adoption books we read to them and Oliver knows he's going to get a new brother or sister from a far, far away place called China. He knows that adoption is a way to form families, but I think we have neglected to talk about why some children are placed for adoption and others stay with their birth mothers and fathers, because Oliver suddenly believes that all children are adopted. Thankfully, Baby Levi has parents who can take care of him, I explained, so he'll stay with Cousin Matt and Cousin Ashley, but other children are raised by adoptive parents if their birth parents can't take care of them. I started to ramble and it looked like I was losing him, so I cut myself off.
Oliver looked back at the picture and said very genuinely, "Awww, cute!"
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Soren Update: 23 Months
Soren turns two next month and I've found myself referring to him as a baby more often. I know I have limited time to be able to get away with that and I'm enjoying talking about my baby while I can. Because babies don't have expanding vocabularies and climb to the top of the slide at the playground or try to ride their big brother's bike.
Just recently we noticed that Soren is stringing two words together, like "Mommy go," when I leave the house or "more please." You can hear the development of sentence structure and grammar. There's still so much that I'm sure he knows how to say, whether in English or Portuguese, that we just don't realize he's saying. A lot still sounds like babble unless it's in context and you're really paying attention.
If it weren't fall, we'd consider getting Soren a bike with training wheels. Oliver's 16-inch bike is way too big for Soren, but he shows interest in riding it and trying to peddle even though his feet don't reach. While in Ocean City, we had rented Oliver a bike to so he could peddle to and from the beach instead of having to walk. Sometimes that would be too tiring and he'd want to ride in the stroller. But we hadn't brought the double stroller, so we set Soren on top of the bike and I'd pull the bike down the sidewalk by the handle bars while Soren gripped the handles like he was riding a motorcycle and propped his feet on the bottom of the frame. He was thrilled!
Soren has been just as adventurous on the playground as he was riding on two wheels. He's started climbing ladders on the playground and is only limited by his size in how high or what he'll climb. He'll otherwise try to get up onto whatever you'll let him. At least he's still into tamer playground activities, like digging in the sand and relaxing in a bucket swing.
As Soren's gross motor skills improve, he's losing his "penguin" run, which makes me sad. It was kind of a funny, but cute run, where he ran with his arms pointed straight down and his hands back. Combine that with the toddler, straight-legged run, and well, he toddled like a penguin. I thought maybe only I had noticed the penguin resemblance until my nanny and her Brazilian friends admitted they had nicknamed him pinguim.
Soren is still a reasonably adventurous eater. He might pout a little or look unexcited about what is for dinner, but he'll probably eventually try it. He's not as enthusiastic about beans anymore, but still loves tofu. And I can usually count on him to at least try a few bites of whatever random meals I serve up from my stash of meal exchange dinners. Still, his favorites are your usual toddler staples - peanut butter toast, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, waffles, fruit, yogurt, snacks of any kind, and anything sweet. One of his first words was "Cake!" He loves cake so much that when our nanny told Oliver or Soren that they could either stay home with daddy or come with her to the bakery to pick up a cake for her husband's birthday, (she also promised to buy them a slice) Oliver chose to stay home and Soren dropped what he was doing, grabbed his shoes and booked to the front door.
For all the energy Soren has, he loves chilling out in the stroller for a long walk. We still can't touch the stroller without Soren losing it until he can get in it. Once he does, though, he's such a happy kid.
Just recently we noticed that Soren is stringing two words together, like "Mommy go," when I leave the house or "more please." You can hear the development of sentence structure and grammar. There's still so much that I'm sure he knows how to say, whether in English or Portuguese, that we just don't realize he's saying. A lot still sounds like babble unless it's in context and you're really paying attention.
If it weren't fall, we'd consider getting Soren a bike with training wheels. Oliver's 16-inch bike is way too big for Soren, but he shows interest in riding it and trying to peddle even though his feet don't reach. While in Ocean City, we had rented Oliver a bike to so he could peddle to and from the beach instead of having to walk. Sometimes that would be too tiring and he'd want to ride in the stroller. But we hadn't brought the double stroller, so we set Soren on top of the bike and I'd pull the bike down the sidewalk by the handle bars while Soren gripped the handles like he was riding a motorcycle and propped his feet on the bottom of the frame. He was thrilled!
Soren has been just as adventurous on the playground as he was riding on two wheels. He's started climbing ladders on the playground and is only limited by his size in how high or what he'll climb. He'll otherwise try to get up onto whatever you'll let him. At least he's still into tamer playground activities, like digging in the sand and relaxing in a bucket swing.
As Soren's gross motor skills improve, he's losing his "penguin" run, which makes me sad. It was kind of a funny, but cute run, where he ran with his arms pointed straight down and his hands back. Combine that with the toddler, straight-legged run, and well, he toddled like a penguin. I thought maybe only I had noticed the penguin resemblance until my nanny and her Brazilian friends admitted they had nicknamed him pinguim.
Soren is still a reasonably adventurous eater. He might pout a little or look unexcited about what is for dinner, but he'll probably eventually try it. He's not as enthusiastic about beans anymore, but still loves tofu. And I can usually count on him to at least try a few bites of whatever random meals I serve up from my stash of meal exchange dinners. Still, his favorites are your usual toddler staples - peanut butter toast, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, waffles, fruit, yogurt, snacks of any kind, and anything sweet. One of his first words was "Cake!" He loves cake so much that when our nanny told Oliver or Soren that they could either stay home with daddy or come with her to the bakery to pick up a cake for her husband's birthday, (she also promised to buy them a slice) Oliver chose to stay home and Soren dropped what he was doing, grabbed his shoes and booked to the front door.
For all the energy Soren has, he loves chilling out in the stroller for a long walk. We still can't touch the stroller without Soren losing it until he can get in it. Once he does, though, he's such a happy kid.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
In on it: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption
While researching books on adoption, I stumbled upon In on it: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption by Elisabeth O'Toole. I'd highly recommend the book to anyone who has a friend or family member who is adopting or has adopted. (It's also a worthwhile read for prospective adoptive parents.)
In on it is one of the few books addressed directly to families and friends touched by adoption who want guidance and advice. In an easy-to-read 150 pages, O'Toole not only summarizes the lengthy and detailed process parents go through in order to adopt, but also addresses trans-racial families, how to talk about adoption and the many decisions adoptive parents must make leading up to and after committing to adoption. And she says all of it with a positive and non-judgmental writing style.
In an interview with Minnesota Parent magazine, O'Toole explained what she hopes readers gain from the book.
In on it is one of the few books addressed directly to families and friends touched by adoption who want guidance and advice. In an easy-to-read 150 pages, O'Toole not only summarizes the lengthy and detailed process parents go through in order to adopt, but also addresses trans-racial families, how to talk about adoption and the many decisions adoptive parents must make leading up to and after committing to adoption. And she says all of it with a positive and non-judgmental writing style.
In an interview with Minnesota Parent magazine, O'Toole explained what she hopes readers gain from the book.
I would like it to make people feel welcomed and included. I want people to feel more involved and not on the sidelines. I want them to be confident and prepared. We as adoptive parents aren’t the only people who are being called on to address adoption. It never occurred to us that grandparents and other family members would be asked questions about adoption that they might not be able to answer, but it’s important they know how to respond.Chris and I own a copy of the book and will gladly lend it to anyone who's interested in reading it.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Home Study #3
I understand the purpose and importance of a home study, but as we finally near its completion, I'm left feeling the reality of the process is that much of it is a waste of time. I do believe there's a better way to find a flexible balance between ensuring children are placed with stable families and that those families aren't overly burdened by the process or completely turned off to adoption all together. Unfortunately, I don't have suggestions of how to make the process more meaningful.
We had our third and final home study visit yesterday. Although the first two visits had allowed more than enough time for the social worker to tour our home, meet our kids, interview Chris and me as a couple and then conduct separate interviews with each of us, yesterday's visit occurred simply because state law requires a home study to consist of three meetings with both parents present. Any opportunity we have to spend with our social worker isn't completely wasted time, as I enjoy talking with her and learning more about adoption and our projected timeline, but I find it frustrating to have to participate in processes that have no real purpose. There Chris and I were taking yet more time off work at an inconvenient time (10:00 a.m.) so our social worker could check off a box in the home study process. I understand the need for at least one interview at our home with both parents present so the social worker can see where we live and how we interact as a family, but why does it necessarily need to be three visits if everything can be accomplished in two visits? Why can't some of the interviews be conducted over Skype?
One of the most ridiculous scenarios we've experienced thus far in the adoption process occurred when our social worker handed us a new guardian form. China requires us to name a guardian for our adopted child and Chris's brother was the obvious, well, the only choice in our minds, since he's who we have already named as guardian for Oliver and Soren. Our social worker informed us that because the Chinese authorities would frown upon a non-married male under the age of 30 being named as guardian, we needed to name someone else. It didn't matter who we put down, as the form didn't need to match our will and it isn't a legally binding document. Anything can derail an adoption and the agency didn't want it to be this.
Chris and I conferred briefly and then wrote down the names of a friend of mine who'd written a reference letter on our behalf and her husband. After we rewrote and signed the form, I panicked when I realized that my friends' two kids, Oliver, Soren and our third child would equal five kids - living in what's effectively a two-bedroom house. Our social worker assured us that no one would actually be visiting our new guardians' home, let alone verifying that these friends actually exist. Since the Chinese government can't dictate who actually becomes the guardian of a child legally yours once the adoption is complete, wouldn't a more effective approach to looking out for the best interests of the child have been requiring that prospective adoptive parents have a will and have named a guardian?
I happened to see that friend that evening. She asked how the home study visit had gone. I informed her that in the eyes of the Chinese government, she and her husband would be the guardians of our children. I think that was the last thing she expected to hear! I promised her that our life insurance policies would buy her expanded family a bigger house.
Our social worker expects to have a draft of our home study to us by September 20 for Chris and me to review. After we've verified all the information is accurate, she'll forward it to the national office for approval, which takes about another week. I'm hoping we'll have it approved by the end of September!
The next big steps in the application phase it to mail our I-800A application to Immigration to request preliminary approval to bring an adopted child into the country. While we wait on approval, we can work on our dossier. Once the I-800A has been approved and the dossier completed, we'll be able to mail the dossier to China. I'd love to have that mailed before Christmas. At that point, the real waiting will begin.
We had our third and final home study visit yesterday. Although the first two visits had allowed more than enough time for the social worker to tour our home, meet our kids, interview Chris and me as a couple and then conduct separate interviews with each of us, yesterday's visit occurred simply because state law requires a home study to consist of three meetings with both parents present. Any opportunity we have to spend with our social worker isn't completely wasted time, as I enjoy talking with her and learning more about adoption and our projected timeline, but I find it frustrating to have to participate in processes that have no real purpose. There Chris and I were taking yet more time off work at an inconvenient time (10:00 a.m.) so our social worker could check off a box in the home study process. I understand the need for at least one interview at our home with both parents present so the social worker can see where we live and how we interact as a family, but why does it necessarily need to be three visits if everything can be accomplished in two visits? Why can't some of the interviews be conducted over Skype?
One of the most ridiculous scenarios we've experienced thus far in the adoption process occurred when our social worker handed us a new guardian form. China requires us to name a guardian for our adopted child and Chris's brother was the obvious, well, the only choice in our minds, since he's who we have already named as guardian for Oliver and Soren. Our social worker informed us that because the Chinese authorities would frown upon a non-married male under the age of 30 being named as guardian, we needed to name someone else. It didn't matter who we put down, as the form didn't need to match our will and it isn't a legally binding document. Anything can derail an adoption and the agency didn't want it to be this.
Chris and I conferred briefly and then wrote down the names of a friend of mine who'd written a reference letter on our behalf and her husband. After we rewrote and signed the form, I panicked when I realized that my friends' two kids, Oliver, Soren and our third child would equal five kids - living in what's effectively a two-bedroom house. Our social worker assured us that no one would actually be visiting our new guardians' home, let alone verifying that these friends actually exist. Since the Chinese government can't dictate who actually becomes the guardian of a child legally yours once the adoption is complete, wouldn't a more effective approach to looking out for the best interests of the child have been requiring that prospective adoptive parents have a will and have named a guardian?
I happened to see that friend that evening. She asked how the home study visit had gone. I informed her that in the eyes of the Chinese government, she and her husband would be the guardians of our children. I think that was the last thing she expected to hear! I promised her that our life insurance policies would buy her expanded family a bigger house.
Our social worker expects to have a draft of our home study to us by September 20 for Chris and me to review. After we've verified all the information is accurate, she'll forward it to the national office for approval, which takes about another week. I'm hoping we'll have it approved by the end of September!
The next big steps in the application phase it to mail our I-800A application to Immigration to request preliminary approval to bring an adopted child into the country. While we wait on approval, we can work on our dossier. Once the I-800A has been approved and the dossier completed, we'll be able to mail the dossier to China. I'd love to have that mailed before Christmas. At that point, the real waiting will begin.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Thirty-Four States, Plus the District of Columbia
I was in the latter half of a long drive to the southwestern corner of Minnesota with co-workers when a detour lead us off the main road and pointed us south towards the Iowa border. Despite ten years in Minnesota, I had never been south of the border. Nothing had yet taken me there. That is, until a detour put me within miles of the border and I couldn't resist.
We initially flew past the "Welcome to Iowa" sign as we crossed the state line. My co-worker stopped the car, put it in reverse and backed down the empty country road. We hopped out and one of them snapped a picture of me in front of the sign with Iowa's welcome mat in the background - corn. Standing among the corn fields, with crickets hopping at our feet and dirt scented with fertilizer dusting our shoes, Iowa became the 34th state in country I've visited.
In recounting my brief visit to Iowa, I've discovered that more people than I thought either have a goal of visiting all 50 states or are at least excited when they have an opportunity to visit a state for the first time. I'm not sure if it's the number of states we have in our country or the incredible geographical diversity that exists from coast to coast, border to border, but the quest to visit all 50 states (plus the District of Columbia) captivates many of us.
One of the most-asked questions about this quest is what counts as "visiting" a state? Along with many others, I don't count airport layovers. Airports are like no-man's lands. They have little flavor and feel of the state you're actually in.
As I filled out my list, the states I had visited as a destination were easy. Family vacation as a kid to Arizona where we hiked the Grand Canyon. Check it off. Friend's wedding in Utah in the mountains. Check. The road trip through North Dakota, Montana, Wyoming and South Dakota to visit national parks. Check, check, check, check.
I once took the train across the country and have taken extensive road trips, so should the state count if I never left the train or car as I passed through? I decided that I wouldn't count those states unless I had stopped there, did something and had a memory from that state. I thought about how my drive out to Minnesota when I first moved here brought me through a small portion of West Virginia and Kentucky. But I really only have a faint recollection of having even been through those states and what little I saw was from the interstate, so I didn't count them. But I do remember stopping in Ohio to see Serpent's Mound, which I had never heard of before that visit, but had decided it was worth the stop when I saw the sign from the road. On the train trip across the country, we had a long layover in Las Vegas, so my mom checked our luggage at the station and we ducked into a casino so my mom, who had probably never gambled in her life, could say she played a slot machine in Las Vegas. Nevada ended up making my list.
It'll be cool to one day be able to say that I've visited all 50 states, but ultimately, the purpose is to experience and appreciate this vast country and hopefully come home with a good story to tell. Sometimes that story is of a hike to the base of one of the world's natural wonders and other times a story of a short detour to a corn field on an end-of-summer evening.
1. Washington
2. Oregon
3. California
4. Colorado
5. Arizona
6. New Mexico
7. Texas
8. Montana
9. Wyoming
10. North Dakota
11. South Dakota
12. Iowa
13. Minnesota
14. Wisconsin
15. Ohio
16. Maine
17. Vermont
18. New Hampshire
19. Connecticut
20. Rhode Island
21. New York
22. New Jersey
23. Pennsylvania
24. Delaware
25. Maryland
26. Virginia
27. North Carolina
28. South Carolina
29. Florida
30. Massachusetts
31. Indiana
32. Nevada
33. Utah
34. Illinois
35. Idaho
36. Oklahoma
37. Nebraska
38. Missouri
39. Louisiana
40. Alabama
41. Mississippi
42. Alaska
43. Hawaii
44. Kentucky
45. Tennessee
46. Georgia
47. Michigan
48. Kansas
49. Arkansas
50. West Virginia
We initially flew past the "Welcome to Iowa" sign as we crossed the state line. My co-worker stopped the car, put it in reverse and backed down the empty country road. We hopped out and one of them snapped a picture of me in front of the sign with Iowa's welcome mat in the background - corn. Standing among the corn fields, with crickets hopping at our feet and dirt scented with fertilizer dusting our shoes, Iowa became the 34th state in country I've visited.
In recounting my brief visit to Iowa, I've discovered that more people than I thought either have a goal of visiting all 50 states or are at least excited when they have an opportunity to visit a state for the first time. I'm not sure if it's the number of states we have in our country or the incredible geographical diversity that exists from coast to coast, border to border, but the quest to visit all 50 states (plus the District of Columbia) captivates many of us.
One of the most-asked questions about this quest is what counts as "visiting" a state? Along with many others, I don't count airport layovers. Airports are like no-man's lands. They have little flavor and feel of the state you're actually in.
As I filled out my list, the states I had visited as a destination were easy. Family vacation as a kid to Arizona where we hiked the Grand Canyon. Check it off. Friend's wedding in Utah in the mountains. Check. The road trip through North Dakota, Montana, Wyoming and South Dakota to visit national parks. Check, check, check, check.
I once took the train across the country and have taken extensive road trips, so should the state count if I never left the train or car as I passed through? I decided that I wouldn't count those states unless I had stopped there, did something and had a memory from that state. I thought about how my drive out to Minnesota when I first moved here brought me through a small portion of West Virginia and Kentucky. But I really only have a faint recollection of having even been through those states and what little I saw was from the interstate, so I didn't count them. But I do remember stopping in Ohio to see Serpent's Mound, which I had never heard of before that visit, but had decided it was worth the stop when I saw the sign from the road. On the train trip across the country, we had a long layover in Las Vegas, so my mom checked our luggage at the station and we ducked into a casino so my mom, who had probably never gambled in her life, could say she played a slot machine in Las Vegas. Nevada ended up making my list.
It'll be cool to one day be able to say that I've visited all 50 states, but ultimately, the purpose is to experience and appreciate this vast country and hopefully come home with a good story to tell. Sometimes that story is of a hike to the base of one of the world's natural wonders and other times a story of a short detour to a corn field on an end-of-summer evening.
35. Idaho
36. Oklahoma
37. Nebraska
38. Missouri
39. Louisiana
40. Alabama
41. Mississippi
42. Alaska
43. Hawaii
44. Kentucky
45. Tennessee
46. Georgia
47. Michigan
48. Kansas
49. Arkansas
50. West Virginia
Summer Fun
Summer is Minnesota is short and therefore so precious. As harsh and long as the winters here can be, once summer arrives, it's easy to forget that snow and cold and the need for layers and layers of clothing ever happened. Yet the harsh winters are the reasons that cool summer nights and sunny summer weekends are savored. They are so fleeting that we don't know when that perfect summer day will be the last we experience for the season.
Chris, the kids and I experienced many summer pleasures, from the mundane to the grand. Here's a bit of what we enjoyed the most:
Chris, the kids and I experienced many summer pleasures, from the mundane to the grand. Here's a bit of what we enjoyed the most:
- Spending the evening at the splash pad or biking down to the river and playing in the fountains after enjoying a picnic dinner
- Strawberry picking
- Oliver going to the cabin with Dad
- Gardening
- Oliver's camping trips with Dad
- Playing with the water table
- Seeing our neighbors!
- Meals on the back deck with friends and family
- Eating raspberries off the bush in our alley
- Saturday morning playdates at the park
- Lake swimming
- Cheering on Dad's softball team
- Barbecues at our neighbor's house
- Walks with the stroller up to Grand Avenue with a stop at the playground on the way home
- Spending the week down the Shore in Ocean City, New Jersey
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