Soul Searching

For two weeks I let myself be excited about expecting another baby.  How could I not?  Chris and I had wanted another baby and it was exhilarating when we decided we were going to go for number three.  When I found out I was pregnant, it's simply my nature to go into planner mode.  Chris and I talked about childcare, maternity leave and what to do about the kids' rooms.  I started a running list in my head of all the things we needed to tackle before Christmas.  Then dizziness, cramping and spotting ensued and by the time I rushed to the doctor in the middle of the work day, I knew in my gut the pregnancy was over.  I was crushed. 

When I talked with my OB, she asked me what our plans are for trying again, and I told her I didn't think I wanted to. Chris and I had talked about adoption before, although we'd never seriously looked into it.  She looked at me and very compassionately said, "I think adoption is a wonderful option. You were not happy when you were pregnant." I wish Chris had been there to hear her say that. I had never kept quiet my dislike of pregnancy, but it was a sentiment even I never took seriously.  My doctor hadn't seen me in a year and a half, yet my unhappiness was one of the things she remembered about me.

If anything good can come from losing a pregnancy I really did want so badly, it is that it forced Chris and me to do some soul-searching.  We want more children, that we can agree on. But where should we go from here? We could wait a month or two and try again. And I would most likely have a successful pregnancy, or I could possibly not. Or we could talk seriously about adoption.
I had to be honest with Chris that not only did I prefer not to be pregnant again, but that I thought it would be too hard on our family if I did.           

I'm ready for a new direction, but, honestly, the unknown scares me.  I don't trust that Chris is yet emotionally committed to adoption as he assures me he is.  And we both worry about the money, waiting and uncertainty involved with the process.  This is a moment in my life where I wished I had a crystal ball and could catch a glimpse of the future and see if adoption works out for us.  I've acknolwedged to myself that I really have no desire to ever be pregnant again, yet I don't know if I would ever be at peace stopping at two. 

I think about the wonderful family I have and how lucky I am that I have two happy, healthy and lovable kids.  Chris and I can continue to have a great life even if we stop now.  We developed a comfortable routine based on a two-kid family, each kid has his own bedroom in our cozy little house, we have daycare figured out and we live a comfortable lifestyle.  All outward signs tell us, "Stop, you have it good!"  Yet even if I don't want any more biological children, my heart knows I'm not finished having children.  So the soul-searching continues.