Secrets Versus Surprises

Have you ever thought about the difference in definition between a "surprise" and a "secret"? I never gave it any thought until we had a speaker from the Jacob Wetterling Foundation speak at our ECFE class about how to keep our children safe.

A surprise is something we keep secret for a short time, but it is something good and something we will eventually tell.  It's inclusive and meant to make someone feel good. A secret is something you never intend to tell someone, whether because you're ashamed, don't have anyone you can trust or were told you couldn't tell. It can be used to isolate, manipulate or shame. 

Think about these two scenarios. 

The kids pick out a present for their dad's birthday and their mom tells them they have to keep it a surprise. They are so proud of what they picked out for him and excitedly wrap it. 

Your child loves going over his classmate's house because there's everything there he doesn't have at home or isn't allowed to have - all the cool toys, junk food for snacks and as much TV as they want to watch.  His friend's older brother bosses the younger kids around and acts in a way that makes your child uncomfortable.  The brother told your child that if he tells on him, he won't be allowed to come over anymore.    

The first scenario is positive and the children feel happy, excited and proud of themselves. In the other scenario the child feels guilty and icky. 

This is the difference between the two words that the Jacob Wetterling Foundation wanted us parents to understand and make sure our children understood too. If kids learn that it's not right for someone to ask them to keep a secret and that they can trust their parents to share anything, they are less vulnerable to anyone who doesn't have their best interests in mind, whether that's a friend who wants them to do something they shouldn't do or an adult who wants to harm them.

Since that ECFE class, I have been intentional about the vocabulary I use with my children.  I never ask them to keep a secret.  I ask them to help me keep a surprise and make it clear that we will eventually tell the person. 

A friend of Chris' had a teachable moment about secrets. Because the parents leave so early for work, they had hired a nanny to come over for a few hours in the morning to get their elementary-aged children up, fed and on the bus to school. One morning the nanny lost track of time and the kids missed their bus.  The nanny had also let them play on the iPad, which is against the rules in their household in the morning and probably contributed to them not paying attention to the time.  These two instances wouldn't have upset Chris' friend so much.  We all lose track of time and maybe the kids were behaving so well that the nanny thought it would be okay to reward with them with a bit of pre-school day screen time. What upset her so much and ultimately led her to fire the nanny was that the nanny asked the kids to not tell their parents that they had missed the bus and that they had been allowed to play on the iPad. She had asked them to keep a secret from their parents. (It also didn't help the nanny's case that when the parents tried to talk to her about why they were upset, the nanny did not handle the conversation professionally.) Secrets are a no-no in their family. 

Because the secret was not about harm done to the children, it may seem like a relatively minor secret. However, kids should never be taught to keep secrets from the people who love them most. After Chris' friend fired the nanny, she and her husband sat down with the kids and talked about what had happened and why they don't keep secrets in their family. In my opinion, the inconvenience of being without morning childcare is worth it to reinforce the importance of children feeling comfortable with always telling their parents the truth.