The End of Leave

Tomorrow I return to work exactly 12 weeks from the day we left for China, 11 weeks, four days since we met Matteo and 10 weeks, four days since we met Kiera.  I utilized every last hour of FMLA available, but when I can count in weeks how long I've known my children, parental leave in this country simply isn't long enough.  In many ways Kiera and Matteo are doing so well.  I'm honestly amazed they could come this far in such a short time.  Yet returning to work at this point in their transition still isn't ideal.  Neither child has learned to speak any English in these 10 or 11 weeks and their "minor special needs" still require multiple doctors visits over the next couple of weeks.  When I tried to kiss Kiera goodnight this evening, she refused to look me in the eye, a stark reminder of how far we still have to go with attachment.

Despite my feelings on the length of FMLA, I'm remarkably calm about returning to work.  I'm neither excited for my first day back, nor dreading it.  Maybe because I'm at kids number three and four, I've accepted the return to work as part of the natural evolution of a working mom, even when I'm returning sooner than I would like.  My calmness is also in stark contrast with the days leading up to my departure where my nerves were so shot that I could hardly sit still.  I will take my feeling of indifference to returning to work over my emotional state 12 weeks ago.

I do know that I'm returning to work a changed person.  I am definitely not the person I was three months ago when I could still only imagine what it would be like to travel around the world to meet my children.