Two Weeks Home

With our second week home as a family of six, I feel more in the groove of things, like I've arrived at a new normal.  Four kids is still a lot of work, especially kids so young and so close in age, and there are moments where I miss the "easy" life of just two kids.  That's why I parental leave is so important.  There are medical needs to tend to and bonding that needs to happen at its own pace, but I also need time to figure out what the heck I'm doing.  Laundry is never-ending, we're constantly running out of milk and by the time we eat and clean up from one meal, it's almost time to prepare the next.  Surprisingly, I don't feel overwhelmed.  Tired for sure, but I never have the feeling that I won't figure out a routine and as a seasoned parent, I know the difficult parts won't be forever.  Since we adopted toddlers/preschoolers and not babies, we're really not far away from a time when all the kids will be able to dress themselves and no one will be napping anymore.  

That said, there's one thing I have not mastered yet and that is getting out the door on time.  The saddest part is that we have an au pair, so even though my husband is back at work, I have another adult at home helping me, and we still can't get it done.  It's also embarrassing because I want to set a good example for our au pair of how to be organized with four kids since he's going to be doing it on his own once I go back to work.  But as I've told him, this four-kid thing is new to me too, so I'm learning as well.  Maybe I should cut myself some slack.

Instead I'll focus on the couple of times I've ventured out with the kids by myself, even though we had nowhere we had to be at a specific time.  I took them last Sunday to the Children's Museum on a -6-degree morning.  We're really getting our money's worth on the museum membership now. Family membership are the same price whether you have one, four or fourteen children.

It was wonderful to see how much fun they had. Some kids so recently home cannot handle crowded places, but thankfully it has never phased Kiera or Matteo, either while we were in China or now that we're home.  They actually seem to enjoy the sights and sounds.  Since they're okay with outings, the Children's Museum was a great place for them to run around and climb, touch anything and everything (Matteo) and just be kids.  Oliver and Soren, the experienced museum-goers they are, enjoyed showing their newest siblings all the fun things they like to do there.

The most poignant moment for me was getting my first hug from Matteo.  Sure, I've hugged him a ton since first meeting him, but as attached as he has been to Chris, he's never initiated a hug with me.  I was sitting at the bottom of a ramp the kids were running up and down when Matteo flung himself into my arms when he hit the bottom.  Of course I made the biggest deal about how happy I was to get a hug (others around me must have thought I was nuts!) and he was so proud of himself.  He ran back up the ramp, came back down, gave me another quick hug and repeated himself probably another 10 times.  He'll still reject me sometimes if Chris is around, particularly at bedtime, but that moment in the Children's Museum was really a turning point in his attachment to me. 

On another outing with the kids by myself, I encountered my first stupid questions regarding our kids. A woman at the grocery store looked at them, looked and me and back at them before asking, "Is this a daycare?"

"They're all mine," I said as confidently and cheerfully as I could since I was bracing for a less innocuous question to follow.

She paused and then pointed at Soren, Kiera and Matteo and asked, "Are they triplets?"

"No," is the only answer I provided.  I didn't feel like spending the time explaining that my white kid and two Asian kids (who also look nothing alike) are not triplets, but are instead just adopted.  I realize that having three kids within a year of age of each other and a fourth just two years older than the "triplets" will draw attention.  I'm darn proud of my family and don't mind the extra attention.  I just find it interesting that adoption doesn't even register as an explanation for how I have three kids who look to be the same age.  The only way this woman could make sense of my three kids was to tell herself they were triplets.

In addition to spending time with all four kids, I've gotten a lot of time with just Kiera and Matteo. After we've been on the go to doctor's appointments, I want nothing more than to have quiet time at home and try to tackle any of the things I envisioned myself catching up on while on maternity leave.  This morning that meant throwing in a load of laundry, cleaning up around the house and then playing blocks with Kiera and Matteo.  I got my first uninitiated snuggle with Kiera who wanted to sit on my lap while building with blocks.  So the kids get fresh air, after nap we'll bundle up and take a walk to the mailbox three blocks away.  Aren't you jealous of my exciting day?

We don't spend all our time at home though.  I'm excited to be able to spend time with a good friend of mine who's home with her children and two children she watches during the school year.  We've been to Tot Time at our local rec center a couple of times.  Once the weather warmed up above zero, we attempted a walk in a wooded park along the river.  Kiera and Matteo fit in the stroller, but with the thick stroller covers I had stuffed them into, it became a tight fit, so much so that I didn't think Kiera could move once she was in there.  I'm still not sure what they think of Minnesota winters, but on this walk, they seemed plenty warm, albeit, immobile. 

Because we're still working on attachment, I can't leave Kiera and Matteo by themselves with Marcel or anyone but Chris.  That means that I haven't gotten any time with just Oliver and Soren.  As I predicted, Oliver is doing pretty well because at five and a half, he gets it.  Soren, though, has been pretty needy. 

This picture sums it up. Soren erupted into tears because Marcel was going to brush his teeth instead of me.  I offered him a hug, which seemed to settle him down.  As I was about to send him back upstairs, I saw the Ergo hanging from our coat rack.  Kiera and Matteo aren't the biggest fans of riding in it and we haven't bothered with it since we came home from China even though it's supposed to be good for bonding.  I asked Soren if he wanted to ride in it, which he did.  I started with him on my back, but after two minutes, he wanted down, but still wanted to be snuggled.  So I put him on my front.  It's not the most comfortable way to carry a nearly-30-pound child, especially when you're trying to clear the breakfast table.  He was so content though and I carried him for nearly an hour (as my back ached) while I reminisced of when he was a little baby and I used to carry him all the time and nuzzle his fuzzy head under by chin. 

One-Month Post-Adoption Report

The China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA) requires families to submit six post-adoption reports over the course of five years.  Counting from the day the adoption is finalized in China, (January 27th for Matteo and February 3 for Kiera) reports are due to the CCCWA at one month, six months, twelve months, two years, three years and five years post-adoption.  (If you received your travel approval January 1, 2015 or later, the one-month post-adoption report is replaced by a four-year report.) The first three must be written by a social worker; the last three by the families.  Reports, along with eight photos depicting the child's life, are submitted to the placing agency, who then submits them to the CCCWA.

Thankfully both our placing agency and home study agency were on top of things and contacted us about scheduling a meeting, because the post-adoption report was the last thing on my mind when I returned.  And thankfully we like our social worker because she'll be in our lives for awhile, something I didn't fully appreciate when post-adoption seemed like a stage we were never going to make it to.

Our social worker came over to our house and took notes while the kids played and I talked about how things have been going.  I talked about our time in China, meeting Matteo and Kiera for the first time, how the bonding process is going, what Oliver and Soren think of everything, how we're all sleeping, the doctor's appointments I've lined up and pretty much everything that's happened in the month since we've known these two.  I was happy to report that they're healthy (the need for palate surgery and ear tubes aside), eating well, sleeping (reasonably) well, well-behaved (for now) and just generally happy kids.  I recounted how I marveled at how two kids could take such interest in books despite not having held a book up until a month ago, or their curiosity and how they know how to play. 

Our concerns are few.  We hope that ear tubes solve the kids' speech delays, but for now, that's in the doctors' hands.  We wish we were sleeping better, but our social worker confirmed that what we're experiencing is normal and that how we're addressing it and coping with it are reasonable in the context of a newly-adopted child.  The emotional issue for me is attachment.  We're seeing signs in Kiera of "indiscriminate friendliness," which means she treats strangers the same way she treats us, her mom and dad.  I'm hoping this is more a reflection of Kiera's calm and friendly personality and the fact we're still so new to her that she's still sorting out who is who in her life, and that with time, she will form a healthy attachment to Chris and me.  But when Kiera picks up a book, flips it open to a picture of a woman, says, "Mama" and points to our social worker, I know we have a long way to go.  In the meantime, our social worker reinforced that we should continue what we've been doing, which is being the only ones who pick up Kiera, hug her, snuggle with her, feed her and generally meet all her physical and emotional needs.  For the time-being, everyone else should continue to direct her back to us no matter how cute she looks with her outstretched arms and eyes that plead, "Pick me up!" 

Overall, though, I can't emphasize enough how well things are otherwise going.  As our social worker watched Kiera and Matteo dump the contents of all the toys baskets onto the living room floor and explore and play, she remarked how calm and comfortable they seem.  She thought we were all adjusting well to becoming a family.  Barely one month in, this is what becoming a family looks like. Toy-strewn floor and all. 

First Week Home

We've been home for a little over a week and just as I felt since the moment we exited security at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, our trip to China to bring home Kiera and Matteo still feels like a dream.  I have such vivid memories of experiences that just happened and yet I still need to remind myself I didn't make any of it up.  Chris and I really did fly halfway around the world and came home with two children.  Some parts of the trip were very hard, but through it all, I was always so thankful and humbled that we were even making this trip at all, that we were adopting.  And even during the difficult, slow or boring parts, I was keenly aware of how quickly the trip was happening. We had waited so long and stressed and fretted and shed a lot of tears and now it’s over.  We’re home.  We’re a family, finally.  I may forever be processing this experience. 

Now that we're home though, there's little time to reflect on all that has happened because the hard work of becoming a family of six has begun.  Thankfully, we are doing well, all things considered, but I won’t lie that it hasn’t been hard.  You can prepare yourself as best you can, but the reality always feels different in the moment even if it’s exactly what you expected. 

The first three days were the hardest.  I can sum it up by saying there was a lot of crying and not a lot of sleeping.  Jetlag wasn’t even the problem.  I’ve never recovered so quickly from such a significant time change.  Although I was so tired by the time we landed in Minnesota that I didn’t feel safe driving home, as soon as we got the kids off to bed, that’s exactly where I was headed myself and my last thoughts as I drifted off to sleep is that my bed never felt so comfortable.  Then Matteo woke us up crying, again and again and again.  It was kind of like having a newborn again, minus the round-the-clock feedings and night sweats, and the fact that Chris was the only one who could comfort him.  I felt pretty useless, but the upside is that I ended up with more sleep than Chris did by the time morning came.  

At least we didn't have anywhere we needed to be and although the six of us were pretty darn cranky all of Friday, I used the situation as an excuse to not get out of my pajamas all day.  I haven't done something like that since, well, I guess when Soren came into our lives. Other than a lot of crying at naptime and bedtime, the rest of the weekend went reasonably well.  Chris and I made short trips away from home to grocery shop or take care of other necessities, but we kept the kids home and just let them adjust as their newly-expanded sibling unit.  It was too darn cold to bother trying to bundle up four kids and get them into car seats anyway.  

Chris went back to work the Monday after we got home and I was so nervous.  Not necessarily about taking care of four kids by myself, (I'd called in a friend to help out) but of Matteo's reaction when he realized that Chris was no longer in the house.  As I expected, he cried hard and long, but the rest of the day went beautifully.  He willingly held my hand when we went to the zoo, reached for me when my friend tried to pick him up, and hopped right into bed at naptime.  I couldn't believe it.  He glued himself back to Chris as soon as he came home, but I'd seen enough that first day to give me confidence that Matteo and I are going to do alright.  

Now if we could just tackle the issue of sleep and we'd be golden!  Things have gotten a lot better as we got closer to the one-week mark of being home, but again, those first three days were rough.  

We had co-slept in China because we didn't have any other viable alternative.  The crib the hotel set up for us in Hefei was ancient, rickety looking and pretty small, more the size of a small pack 'n' play.  There was no way I was going to try to get my child to sleep in it, so Matteo slept with us in the king-size bed.  In Guangzhou, we had a room with two beds, which when we pushed them together, were bigger than a king-size bed.  The four of us should have slept comfortably in it, but because of Matteo's acrobatic sleeping and need to have a limb pushed into Chris at all times, Chris was literally being pushed over the edge.  

Even if our bed at home were bigger, co-sleeping is not a viable for us long-term because Chris and I sleep horribly this way.  Some parents sleeper better with their kids in bed with them but Chris and I just aren't those people.  We happen to have a third crib mattress, so we put that on the floor in between Matteo's and Kiera's toddler beds and used that to make our vigil by their bedsides more comfortable as we pleaded for them to sleep.  We reasoned it was kind of like co-sleeping except that the safety bars on the toddler bed kept Matteo from kicking Chris in the face in the middle of the night.  That worked for getting them to bed, but when Chris ended up sleeping on the crib mattress after Matteo woke up in the middle of the night, that solution quickly fell  out of favor.   By Monday night, the mattress was on the floor next to our bed. When Matteo wakes up for the first time, Chris retrieves him and lays him back to sleep on the mattress.  He wakes up a final time when Chris leaves for work in the morning, so Chris puts him into bed with me.  That makes him scream, but he lets me cuddle with him nonetheless and eventually falls asleep. As long as I put earplugs in, I've gotten so used to the crying that I often can fall back asleep.  Amazingly, when he wakes up for good in the morning, he's usually pretty contently cuddled up with me.  I think this latest set-up is going to be what we end up doing for awhile.  It's not ideal for Chris or me, but it's not different than compromises my friends have made with their bio children who do not sleep all night in their own beds. 

Oliver and Soren love their new siblings and haven't shown any jealousy towards them.  Nonetheless, the adjustment to a larger family has been challenging in some respects.  Now that we have four children, life would be complete chaos without a little more structure in place.  We expect more out of them in helping to clean up or doing more for themselves.  They used to have more say if what they got for breakfast or lunch, but I simply don't have time for short-order cooking. This has led to some pretty heavy-duty tantrums and at one breakfast all four kids were crying for one reason or another.   

We also bought plastic plates, bowls, cups and utensils from Ikea and cleared out a lower-level cabinet to dedicate to kids tableware.  They're now in charge of setting the table.  But they've proven to me they can live up to our expectations.  I asked them to clean their room before watching TV and they did it, get this, without complaining.  I asked them once, they went right to work and they did a good job.   

Through the ups and downs of our first week home, Kiera and Matteo continue to amaze us.  That they are so trusting of and open to us overshadows the reality of all they have lost - familiar foods, language and the only families they have knew.  Oliver cried when Chris asked him to imagine if we put him on a plane to China to live with a new family.  (Though he might have thought for a moment we were actually sending him to a new family.)  And yet Kiera and Matteo smile when they see us, follow Oliver and Soren around excited to play whatever they're playing and eat better than their older brothers despite all the new foods. 

Surgical Consult at Gillette's

Now that I'm home from China, I feel like I need to use the remaining two months of leave to make up for any healthcare my children have not received before now.  That said, they definitely weren't neglected and when they got sick, I'm confident they were treated.  Kiera's foster mother kept her home from preschool when kids at the orphanage got sick with measles.  Matteo's surgery on his lip was excellent, which even those without a medical background can see.  And I've written here about the excellent care he received before, during and after thanks to the healing home.  All this I'm extremely thankful for.  And thus I feel guilty for feeling like this isn't enough.  Kiera and Matteo are my children and didn't deserve anything less than the medical care Oliver and Soren had. 

Our making up for lost time started with a consult with a surgeon at Gillette Children's Hospital in St. Paul.  Going off the recommendation of a mom of two kids adopted from China with cleft lip and palate, we met with Dr. Wood, a craniofacial and plastic surgeon.  He explained that kids born with cleft palate in the United States have their surgeries by nine months of age and that kids who have the surgery after 18 months have an 80% chance of needing a follow-up surgery.  (Compared with 20% of kids who have the surgery before 18 months.) The doctor went on to explain that kids with cleft palate often need ear tubes because fluid tends to get stuck behind their ears, which can cause hearing loss, which impacts their speech.  

Dr. Wood asked me when I wanted to schedule the surgery.  I told him when I go back to work and that if he should have had this surgery at age nine months, I wanted it as soon as possible.  I was honestly upset thinking about how Matteo has had to wait for a surgery he should have had long ago.  Dr. Wood agreed as soon as possible is a good plan and said someone will be in contact to schedule the surgery.

One of the wonderful things about Gillette's, at least for a child with cleft lip and palate, is that all the care is integrated and doctors, specialists and therapists work as a team.  Whereas I just thought we were going to meet with Dr. Wood, we ended up meeting with an audiologist for a hearing test and an orthodontist.  The audiologist forwarded the results of the hearing test to an ENT, who then I called later in the afternoon to schedule a separate appointment, since he is the only doctor on the team not at Gillette's St. Paul location.  The orthodontist recommended Matteo see a dentist as soon as possible since the enamel on the teeth of kids with cleft palate isn't as strong.  Gillette's has a dentist who sees many patients with cleft lip and palate. 

All these appointments made for a very long morning.  I was happy I had asked my mother-in-law to come and help out with Kiera and the two of them explored all the fun places to play and things to look at in the hospital.  I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but it seems like Gillette's tries to make visiting the hospital as comfortable as possible.  Matteo didn't completely miss out.  I found the corral of wagons and pulled him down the halls of the hospital in a red Radio Flyer as we went from appointment to appointment.

Culture Clash Over Dressing for the Weather

We’ve gotten a lot of reactions on Facebook to the clothes Matteo came to us in. While his outfit came as a surprise to our friends and family at home, he was dressed exactly like all the young children we saw in his home province. He was dressed in a thick coat, thick pants that were fleece-lined (and thicker than the snow pants kids in the U.S. wear) and knock-off Nike high tops.  None of the ensemble came close to matching.  Underneath he was wearing matching, pajama-like tops and bottoms and no underwear.  The bottoms were what are referred to as “split-pants,” meaning that they are open in the back and front so young children can relieve themselves.  They take the place of underwear, which is why Matteo wasn't wearing any.  Children in China (and other parts of the world) have worn split-pants like this since the beginning of time because they’re a viable option for people who don’t have access to disposable diapers or the means to wash cloth diapers. 

 

The Chinese bundle their young children really well because they believe being cold will cause them to get sick.  They also do so for very practical reasons.  Homes and buildings aren’t heated very well and they spend a lot of time exposed to the elements as they ride bicycles or scooters, wait for buses, or spend time in a park to get out of their tiny apartments.  Few people have cars and even those that do, no one uses car seats, so there’s no safety concern about thick coats under the harness of a car seat.  The thick clothing met its purpose because of all the kids we encountered out and about looked comfortable under all those layers and happy to be outside. 

As much as I understand why the Chinese dress their children the way they do and respect that Americans and the Chinese have different views on appropriate dress, what I wasn't prepared for was how frustrated I'd be for being told how to dress my own child - repeatedly.  My annoyance at strangers' reactions to my children's perceived lack of clothing ended up being the biggest culture clash of the trip for me. 

I’d been warned that we would be called out for not dressing our kids warmly enough, but having lived in Germany where old ladies publicly correct you if you dare jaywalk or you don’t have a hat on your child, I thought I’d be prepared.  Well, German grandmas have nothing on Chinese grandmas I’ve learned.  The Chinese will literally physically inspect your child and erupt into a heated chatter with each other about how your child needs more clothes on.  I didn't need to know Chinese to understand that they thought Chris and I were unfit parents.  No explanation from our guide about how we're from Minnesota where it's a heck of a lot colder or that our hotel is well-heated so thick layers aren't needed ever did any good. 

As an American, I approach dressing my children for the elements in a different manner.  I dress them in layers, but layers they can put on and take off throughout the day.  They wear their snow pants, winter coats, hats, mittens and boots when they go outside to play in the snow during preschool, but when they're only running out to the car, they wear their winter coat, but none of the other gear.  Any time they are indoors, where homes and buildings are well-heated, they wear a long-sleeve shirts and maybe, on a really cold day, a sweater or sweatshirt.

I also know that cold weather doesn't make a dry person sick.  I dress them warmly to keep them comfortable, but not because I'm afraid they're going to catch a cold or pneumonia.  Or I make sure their skin isn't exposed when temperatures are so low that frostbite is a concern.  I know that most of the body's heat is lost through extremities, so they may not have on a thick coat, but they'll be wearing hats and gloves.  Ironically, few Chinese wear hats, even those overly-bundled children. 

As a Minnesotan, I have a different idea of what "cold" means.  Matteo's province experienced a rare snowfall while we were there, but the lowest temperatures still barely sank to 32 degrees.  In Kiera's province, it was warm enough that flowers were blooming.  Although they had some unseasonably cold weather where the highs only reached 55, we also saw temperatures push 80.  I still saw plenty of people wearing heavy coats on those hot days.  

Chris and I started to get in arguments over what to dress the kids in.  The type to avoid conflict at all costs, he wanted to dress Matteo in the puffy pants he came in, whereas as I was insistent that we dress him in what we thought was appropriate, which was clothing that he wasn't going to overheat in.  The experience wore me down enough that I eventually I started debating every morning whether to overdress Matteo and Kiera just to avoid conflict with strangers. 

And that is how we ended up with poop on our winter coats on a sunny, 65-degree day. Kiera and I were going to meet with people who had taken care of Kiera when she was young and remembering the disapproving look we'd received from Matteo's foster mother, I broke down and put Kiera's coat back on her before we hopped out of the van. To eliminate any chance of criticism, I wore my coat too.  But that's when Kiera had one of her many blow-outs, and I'll spare you the details, but it was so bad that our coats ended up sealed in plastic bags (along with many other articles of clothing) to be dealt with back at the hotel.  Shortly after this incident, Kiera's former caretakers (who had missed the blow-out scene) told me she needed to be wearing a coat.  The two long-sleeve shirts she was wearing weren't good enough. As our guide explained what happened, I yanked the bags knotted closed to cut down on the stench out of my backpack.  They at least laughed when they learned what happened, but still had to work in a final plea for me to put more clothing on her.  I nearly threw my hands up in defeat.

China Trip Day #23 - Headed Home

The flights were long.  There’s no way else to put it.  But we’re home and I’m grateful.  And tired.

Our stay at our hotel in Hong Kong lasted not much more than 12 hours.  We woke up at a reasonable hour, packed, Skyped with the kids and headed down to breakfast with what I thought was plenty of time.  We ran into the family we had ridden the train with and they had already checked out and were waiting for the shuttle, yet their flight left an hour and a half later than ours.  They chose to leave super early and eat at the airport for “peace of mind.”  That left me with no peace of mind for catching our own flight and I practically inhaled my breakfast and then dashed back to the room to pack the remainder of our things while Chris cajoled the kids into finishing their breakfast a little quicker. We caught a 9:30 a.m. shuttle bus for the two-minute ride to the airport, and the good news is that we arrived with plenty of time.  Whew!   

When we got to the ticket counter, we presented the ticket agent our two American passports and two Chinese passports.  I explained Matteo and Kiera are our two adopted children and before I could ask if he needed any other documentation, he asked for the “envelope you’re not allowed to open.”  I definitely knew what he was talking about.  He looked at the cover sheet on the envelopes and said he should have asked for the immigration documents, or whatever those documents are officially called.  I suggested he stick with the “envelope you’re not allowed to open” because every adoptive parent is going to know exactly what he’s talking about!

We headed to the security checkpoint and were happy to see the Hong Kong airport has a family line and they don’t require you to take your shoes off.  We were through security and at our gate by five past ten. 

I used the remainder of our Hong Kong dollars to load up on water only to discover that they don’t let you bring any liquids on board.  It doesn’t make sense to me since they wouldn’t let liquids over 100 ml through security, so our water was purchased inside the secure zone.  In anticipation of this, though, the flight attendants handed out bottles of water to everyone shortly after take-off. 

Kiera’s first flight in her life was going to be a long one, scheduled at 12.5 hours.  The four of us didn’t end up sitting together because when two bulkhead seats in Economy Comfort opened up a week prior, Chris grabbed them.  It was worth being split up if it meant we could seat out active Matteo where he couldn’t push the seat in front of him or repeatedly open and close the tray table. 

The downside of a flight leaving at noon and landing at the time our body thinks it’s midnight is that we were not tired enough to sleep, (but still tired!) which neither Chris or I did the whole flight.  We had hoped the kids would go to sleep early in the flight since it was naptime, but for a variety of reasons, they couldn’t sleep.  Hours later, Matteo finally crashed on the floor of the bulkhead row, and I thought Kiera was going to doze off when she started crying.  The only thing that consoled her was when I suggested we go find Daddy, and she ended up sitting on Chris’s lap for awhile.  When Matteo woke up, Chris and I switched seats and I sat in bulkhead with Kiera, who finally did sleep for about three hours. 

We landed in Seattle about 45 minutes early due to a favorable tailwind, but given that we already had a four-and-a-half-hour layover, landing early did nothing more than release us from the confines of the airplane a little earlier than expected.  But that meant we had even more time in Seattle to kill.

We had chosen a long layover because for adoption trips, extra time is needed to get through immigration.  Therefore, any layover under three hours is considered tight.  It took us about an hour and a half to go through immigration, collect our bags, have them inspected by immigration, recheck them and then go through security again.  Immigration was the shortest and least aggravating step of the whole process.

We stood for a few minutes in the line for foreign nationals when a border agent directed our family and the two other adoptive families on our flight to a separate waiting area.  One by one, we presented our passports and brown envelopes to the agents who quickly reviewed the contents.  Everyone was very pleasant and completely unlike the horror stories I’ve heard from other adoptive parents about their experiences. 

I was surprised to learn that the kids’ passports weren’t automatically invalidated.  I was told they’d punch a hole through it.  The customs agent explained that they can travel on their Chinese passports for another year, or until they apply for an American passport.  And with that we were finished.  No oath of citizenship, no ceremony, just a simple congratulations from the customs agents and we were on our way with our country's two newest American citizens. 

The long layover ended up passing reasonably quickly thanks to one of the other adoptive families.  They had brought their seven-, nine- and 11-year-old daughters along on the their trip to adopt a fourth daughter, a 12-month-old.  The older girls adored Kiera and Matteo and they happily entertained our kids until it was time for us to board our flight to Minnesota.

By the time we got on the final plane home, I could hardly keep my eyes open.  I went in and out of sleep and each time I woke up, I was convinced hardly any time had passed, so I couldn't believe it when I heard the pilot announced we’d be on the ground in 20 or 25 minutes.  I was so excited to finally be home that I got teary-eyed. 

I was so excited to see everyone as soon as we got off the plane, but we desperately needed to change the kids.  They were filthy!  Their clothes were stained all over with the meals and snacks from the past 24 hours of traveling.  I was thankful I had packed an extra set of clothes for them in my carry-on.

When I imagined our homecoming while we were in China, I imagined I’d be bawling, but when we descended the escalator into baggage claim and saw our family and friends for the first time, I was simply filled with joy.  I was so excited to see everyone! 

Oliver and Soren ran towards us and Oliver launched himself into my arms with such force that he almost knocked me over.  As much as he missed us, he picked up right where he had left off and filled us in on the latest happenings in the life of a five-year-old.  For me, it was surreal to see Oliver and Soren again.  Chris thinks Soren grew while we were gone and he kept commenting on how big Oliver looked, perhaps because we've gotten used to the sizes of Kiera and Matteo.  For me, it was funny to have kids who could talk and speak English.  We've spent the past two-plus weeks talking to kids who look back us blankly and silently and barely ever say anything even in Chinese. 

It was fun to watch everyone else meet Kiera and Matteo for the first time.  Since we've been with them 24/7 the past two weeks, we feel like we know them very well, even in this short amount of time, and I had to remind myself that until that moment, everyone else only knew our kids through pictures.  Although I didn't cry, Nan made sure someone expressed her joy with tears. 

Thanks to another local adoptive mom who's a photographer,(and it turns out, a talented videographer as well) I'm able to share our homecoming with you.  (The hearts on the kids' cheeks weren't to express their love for their parents upon their return, but rather the result of face painting at their preschool Valentines' Day party.)

China Trip Day #22 - Visas

After a week and a half in Guangzhou, it was time to say goodbye.  I’ll miss the weather and the community of other adoptive families in our hotel.  I’ll miss having no other responsibilities other than to take care of my children and show up when our guide tells us to.  It’s funny that the Garden Hotel will hold a special place in my heart for the place where I made first memories with Kiera and Matteo.

Even as I’m a little sad about leaving Guangzhou, I’m also looking forward to Hong Kong’s drinkable water and unlimited Internet access.  I hear it’s an incredible city, ranking up there with New York City.  Some families choose to go to Hong Kong at the beginning of their trip rather than Beijing and some go at the end because they want to make a family vacation out of Hong Kong Disney.  I wish Hong Kong weren’t just a place for us to sleep and we could actually see the city, but I really don’t have the energy for more sightseeing, especially with two toddlers.  I’m ready to go home and see my family and relieve Chris’s parents and Marcel who have been taking care of Oliver and Soren non-stop for the past three weeks. 

Hong Kong is a common departure city for families flying back to the United States.  One of the few flights from Guangzhou to the United States is to Los Angeles and the connection to Minnesota is not ideal.  Another option is to fly from Guangzhou to another city in China (like Beijing or Shanghai) or elsewhere in Asia (Seoul or Tokyo), but that given that none of those cities (except Tokyo) have a direct flight to the Minnesota, we’d end up with an extra layover.  American families have more options if they make the two-hour trip to Hong Kong and the difference in flight costs usually makes up for the cost of an extra night’s hotel stay in such an expensive city. 

Instead of taking a van, we opted for the train, which is almost a fourth the cost.  We checked out of our hotel and waited in the hotel lobby for our guide to return from picking up the kids’ visas from the consulate.  Visas aren’t available for pick-up until 3:30 p.m. the day after the consulate appointment.  Once she arrived, she handed us our paperwork, including the adoption decrees, and the mystical brown envelope, and the kids’ passports and we loaded our luggage in the guide’s van for the drive to the train station. 

I had thought our train trip to Shenzhen would have prepared us for the trip to Hong Kong, but I forgot about one difference: customs. We waited in line at customs and when we got to the front we learned we needed to fill out departure cards, because, well, we were leaving China.  We then went through another security clearance before making it to the departure hall.  This part of the station was so much nicer than where we had to wait for the train to Shenzhen.  It wasn’t as crowded, there were plenty of seats and there was more than just a single convenience store.  We didn’t get to enjoy the improved waiting area, because as soon as we arrived, they started boarding. 

The train left 10 minutes late and took about two hours.  The kids (well, Matteo) were a bit wound up since we were traveling during dinner time and eventually bedtime.  We hadn’t thought to bring dinner on board, so we ate the random snacks we’d stashed in our bags when were packed up our hotel room in Guangzhou.  I’ll never be so happy to have a healthy salad when I get home!

When we arrived in Hong Kong, we went through customs again.  We did not know we needed to fill out arrival cards for ourselves and the kids, so that held us up again.  I had hoped for another stamp in my passport, but all I got was a piece of paper saying I could stay until May.

Chinese drivers get a bad rap, but our Hong Kong taxi driver drove the fastest of anyone we’ve ridden with in the past three weeks.  Whatever the posted speed limit in kilometers per hour was, he seemed to be driving as if the speed limit was posted in miles per hour.  They also drive on the opposite side of the road in Hong Kong, so there were a few unsettling moments before I realized that we were not driving on the wrong side of the road at 80 miles per hour.  Another adoptive family was on the same train and they said their taxi driver was also speedy. 

It was after 9:00 p.m. by the time we got to our room, so we quickly changed the kids into their pajamas, brushed their teeth, read one quick book and declared lights out.  For once it didn’t take them long to fall asleep. 

I am not looking forward to the long flight tomorrow, but I keep thinking about how the long trip will be worth it to see Oliver and Soren at the other end.  Gosh, I miss those cute boys.

China Trip Day #21 - Consulate Appointment

The consulate appointment is the last step official step in the adoption process.  After over a year and a half on this journey, I can’t believe that we’ve finally completed Kiera’s and Matteo’s adoptions.  We are officially family forever and we can now start the long journey home.

We couldn’t have our appointment until Kiera’s passport arrived, which was yesterday.  We also had to wait for the kids’ TB results to come back, which also happened yesterday. Thankfully those were negative or we wouldn’t have been going anywhere until the tuberculosis was successfully treated. 

We met our guide at 9:00 a.m. for our 10:00 a.m. appointment. (The consulate takes 12 appointments each at 8:30 a.m. and 10:00 a.m. Monday through Thursday.)   We had to go through security and weren’t allowed to take cell phone or cameras in with us.  Based on my recollections of others’ accounts of the consulate appointment, I had in my mind that we couldn’t take anything in with us besides our passports and adoption paperwork.  So we entered with no water or snacks for the kids, and more importantly, no change of clothes for Kiera.  To put it lightly, Kiera has been experiencing digestive troubles. We thought this was the result of introducing new foods to her diet, but after multiple days (and multiple changes of clothes – so thankful for our room with a washer and dryer!) it occurred to us that she was actually sick.  Another family at our hotel gave us antibiotics after I posted a plea on Facebook, but Kiera was only two doses into her treatment when we showed up at the consulate.  We did make it through the appointment without incident, but just barely.

For all that leads up to this appointment, it’s very anti-climatic.  A consular official called all the families together and as he sat behind bullet-proof/bomb-proof glass and talked into a microphone, we listened to a spiel about issuing visas for our kids and the paperwork we’ll need to hand to immigration officials when we pass through customs in the U.S.  He talked for awhile, but I can highlight the key points in two sentences. 1. Don’t open the brown envelope we will be given along with the kids’ visas or very, very bad things will happen. 2. The oath were about to take was not a citizenship oath, but simply swearing that all the information we stated in the visas applications is true. 

After promising that we understood not to open the brown envelope, we sat down and waited some more.  When our number was called, we met with another consular official who verified our passports and paperwork.  The only glitch we encountered is that our fingerprints had expired.  If you recall from a previous rant on this blog, our fingerprints “expired” on February 4.  Since we’re returning on February 12, Chris and I requested a new fingerprint appointment and had our “biometrics” retaken at the end of December.  Our new approval had not arrived by the time we left in late January, but I was told they’d be able to look it up in the system.  The official we met with said she’d continue to process our paperwork, but that she would still need to confirm with the USCIS the status of our fingerprints because she could not in fact look up the information in the system.  As we waited to meet with the last consular official, I was seriously starting to panic. We had gotten this far and what if “expired” fingerprints were going to delay our departure home?  Thankfully, before I had a full-blown panic attack, the second consular official called us up and delivered the news that they’d confirmed our updated fingerprints.  We were approved! 

Most families make it through the consulate appointment in a half an hour, but it took us an extra hour.  Our guide was waiting for us outside the consulate, along with an American photographer we met on Facebook.  Shannon’s husband works for the consulate and they just moved to Guangzhou. She happened to connect with an adoptive mom who Facebook who suggested families might want to have professional pictures taken after their consulate appointment. I predict she’s going to make a lucrative business for herself. 

We walked over to her apartment building, which has an outdoor area on the sixth floor and gorgeous views of Guangzhou.  There was even a small playground up there and after hanging around inside the consulate for two hours with little to do, Kiera and Matteo loved running around.  Shannon took some pictures of the kids playing and a few of us as a family.  Kiera signaled the end of the photo shoot when her digestive troubles came calling again.  We made it through the consulate appointment, but my new concern is now making it through our flight. 

Because Kiera was sick, after nap we stayed close to the hotel.  I was honestly too tired to venture any farther with the kids as it was.  The excitement of being in a new city has worn off and the days have frankly gotten mundane.  We eat breakfast at our hotel, do something with the kids in the morning, come back to the hotel and make a quick lunch (things we can make with boiling water, like noodles or oatmeal), the kids take a nap, we sit around the hotel room and then we kill time before dinner.  Once the kids go to bed, it’s more hanging around the hotel room. 

To break up our pre-dinner routine, we visited the playground located by the pool on the fourth floor of our hotel.  Of course we only find out about this on our last night of a week-and-a-half stay.  I ran out and got us noodles for dinner and we ate by the playground.  As excited as I am to get home, I will miss eating dinner outside in February.

China Trip Day #20 -Revisiting Shenzhen

It’s unusual with an adoption from China to have as much information as we do regarding Kiera’s birth.  Even something as simple as a birthdate is only an estimate for a child who was abandoned with no identifying information.  So I feel fortunate to have even the little bit of information we do have.  

I’m part of a birth parent search group on Facebook.  I think people join the group because they want to search for their children’s birth parents, but finding them isn’t the sole goal.  Discovering any information about your child’s history is considered a success.  One mom told me she’s not searching because she believes she’ll actually find her son’s birth parents; she feels she owes it to her son to say she did everything she could to find them.  

This group is a valuable resource for understanding the cultural and political forces that result in children being abandoned in China and the strategies for searching for Chinese birth families.  In this group (and among others in the adoption community) there is a general distrust of the information orphanages give families.  There are a lot of reasons information about a child’s abandonment or origins could be completely fabricated, namely because of child trafficking, or family planning officials who kidnap children from families in violation of the one-child policy.  Sometimes orphanages have been involved in the fraud and other times they have been lied to as well and they pass a fabricated file on to the adoptive family.  So the first step in any search of a child’s history is verification that the information you have is even true.  And that’s how I found myself with Kiera back in Shenzhen.

It was last night and the kids had already gone to bed and Chris was getting ready for bed himself when I received a message from another adoptive mom whose son is from the same province as Kiera.  She’d hit a dead end with the search for her son’s birth family.  She reminded me that gathering information is so much easier when you’re in China.  She knows I want find out as much as I can about Kiera's (and Matteo's) histories, so she encouraged me to go back to Shenzhen. But it was Sunday night, and the only free day we had in the remaining days we had left in China was the next day. For a productive visit, I couldn't just show up in Shenzgen not knowing my way around, and more so, not knowing any Chinese. I would need a translator. Despite the odds, I thought of my friend and how her biggest hurdle was that she wasn’t physically in China, and I knew I’d regret it later if I didn’t at least try.  I just wish I thought of doing this last week!

While my friend back in the States tried getting a hold of a guide she knows here in Guangzhou, she sent me down to the concierge desk for help in finding a guide or a driver.  Neither of us had any luck though.  On a whim, I googled guides in Guangzhou and found a listing.  At 9:30 p.m. I started e-mailing.  Most were translators for business people and I wasn’t sure if they’d be interested in playing detective for a day, let alone with such short notice.  At 10:30 p.m. I lucked out. I got an e-mail from a guide named Jenny.  She was free the following day and could be at my hotel at 8:00 a.m. with a driver.  

The next day, just as she said she would be, Jenny was waiting in the lobby of our hotel.  She was enthusiastic about our trip and on the drive to Shenzhen, I briefed her on the information I had received from the orphanage and what I wanted to find out.  I had decided to bring Kiera with me for two reasons. One is that when you’re asking for favors from people, it’s helpful to have an adorable three-year-old by your side, because who can say no to that face, right?  Also, this is her story and someday I’ll be able to tell her that she participated in the search and show her the pictures with her in them of the places special to her history.  

It ended up being a long and tiring day – much more draining than I had anticipated.  We did a lot of walking, waiting, talking, asking, asking again, guessing, taking a chance, hitting dead ends and trying again. Jenny was awesome.  Wherever I wanted to go next or whatever I wanted to ask, she went with it.  While I had hoped Kiera would win over those we needed to talk to, I think she left an impression on her guide, who really doted on her.  As exhausted as I was by the time we made it back to Guangzhou, the trip had been worth it.  We didn’t accomplish all I had hoped to do, but my goal had been to verify the information we had been given, and miraculously we were able to do that.  I have so many more questions, but at least I know that the little information we have is true. 

China Trip Day #19

We met the two other families from our agency to go to the Chen Clan Academy. We’ve been to enough temples at this point that we decided this one wasn’t the prettiest one we’ve seen. Temple snobs we have become! But the weather was nice, the kids had fun running around and after yesterday’s boring day, I was happy that a morning was planned for us and we just had to show up at the appointed time.  Plus, I love meeting other adoptive families and two from our agency with us in Guangzhou this week are super nice.  

Afterward we stopped by a shop that sells traditional tea sets and other higher-end souvenirs, along with the usual postcards and t-shirts you’d expect.  I saw t-shirts that said “Little Brother,” “Little Sister” and “Big Brother” in Chinese I wanted to get for our kids.  However, they’re probably not used to seeing many three- and five-year-old big brothers, because they did not have any t-shirts that came close to fitting Oliver and Soren.

Although I had earlier said that we aren’t big on buying souvenirs, we decided we wanted to bring something home we could use when we celebrate Chinese holidays or other special occasions, so I bought two matching tea sets.  Now we just have to figure out how to get them home! 

Guangzhou is famous for pearls, hence the river that flows through the city is called the Pearl River, so our final shopping stop was at the pearl market.  Despite not being a jewelry person, I like the traditional look of pearls and would have at least liked to have taken a look inside the market.  Unfortunately, it was already lunch time and Matteo and Kiera did not look like they were going to make it, so our van dropped us back at our hotel and went back to the market to meet up with the rest of the group. Unfortunately, again, our toddlers who had looked like they could barely keep their eyes open in the van, did not nap.  They laid down obediently in their beds only to get silly once we closed the bedroom door.  They were laughing at each other and passing books and stuffed animals back and forth and up to who knows what else.  By the time we gave up on the nap, it was time for me to meet our guide to finish paperwork for our consulate appointment on Tuesday, so Chris had the challenge of wrangling overtired kids. 

While we were doing the paperwork, I asked our guide why Matteo’s passport had been issued in September if we had to wait five days for it in Hefei before we could travel to Guangzhou.  I was shocked to learn that the passports are indeed ready before we even meet our kids because the orphanages apply for the passports well ahead of time so that they’ll processed in time.  When I asked why they don’t give us the passports when we finalize the adoption the day after we meet our child, she said they hold onto them to make sure we’re going to stick with the adoption.  She said there are families who change their minds even after finalizing the adoption, but it still make me frustrated that the process is unnecessarily dragged out.  If they’re concerned families will back out and 24 hours isn’t enough time to get to know our children, why do they have us finalize the adoption after only 24 hours?  For those of us who never questioned whether we want to complete the adoption, after finalization, the only reason we remain in province is because we’re waiting on that passport.

To kill time the rest of the afternoon, we went with another family to the Guangzhou Zoo.  We had been with Matteo, but not yet with Kiera.  The zoo is located two stops away on the subway.  A round-trip subway ticket cost us less than 75 cents.  Then it was back to the hotel for a pit stop before heading back out together for dinner.  

The other family was adopting their first child, which I kept forgetting was the case because they looked like naturals around their daughter.  I was only reminded of their new parent status when the wife turns to me and said, “I keep watching you to learn how to be a mom.”  Well, I’m glad looked like I knew what I was doing!  As nervous as I was to meet Kiera and Matteo, the one thing I wasn’t nervous about was being a parent.  That part honestly is natural to me because it’s all I know right now.  I have trouble remembering what my life was like before I was a parent. 

China Trip Day #18 - Visa Medical Appointments

As part of the visa process, the kids needed to have medical appointments.  We met at 10:00 a.m. and rode a mini coach bus with the two other families from our agency over to the medical center, which is located across the street from the U.S. consulate.  Our guide collected our paperwork, fees and passports and shepherded us families through each station.  The whole exam was rather cursory and I’m not really sure what they were looking for, but it took awhile to get through because of how crowded it was. 

The kids had their pictures taken first, which some were not too happy about, but our guide gave a very good effort in trying to distract the kids so the photographer could maybe snap a shot between wails.  I know the United States has very specific requirements for visa and passport photos and I’m not sure your mouth wide open in a wail and eyes scrunched shut with tears streaming down your face passes muster.  

The best part of the morning was meeting other adoptive families, all of whom were super nice and interesting to talk to.  One family flew in last night from Hefei, Anhui where they adopted a girl from Fuyang. Their daughter was raised in a foster family in the same neighborhood that Matteo grew up in.  In the other family, the mom is from China and by coincidence, is adopting a girl from her home city.  It’s been awhile since she’s lived in China and she laughs that her daughter speaks with the accent from that region, an accent she’s since lost.     

The worst part of the morning for the kids was having their blood drawn for the tuberculosis test and for us parents, not being allowed in the room.  I have no idea why being present is prohibited, which would not happen in the United States, but when Matteo finally emerged from the room (he was in there longer than any of the other kids) he was wailing and looked like he had put up a good fight.  We noticed his blood had been drawn from his hand instead of his arm like all the other kids.  Although the second time we’ve ever seen Kiera cry came when the doctor wanted to look in her ears, she emerged from the blood draw room as calm as a cucumber.  

The last steps were much less dramatic.  I was most excited to find out our kids’ measurements, especially because we were surprised to learn that Kiera is taller than we were told.  She measures in at 12.5 kilograms (about 27.5 pounds) and 89 centimeters (35 inches).  Matteo weighs 13.5 kilograms (about 30 pounds) and is 88 centimeters tall (34.5 inches).  

It was pushing naptime when we got back to the hotel, so Chris fed the kids a quick lunch and got them ready for their nap, while I ran across the street to get us pizza.  While the kids napped, Chris took a walk to the supermarket, and that’s about as exciting as the rest of our day was.  We debated what to do once the kids woke up and talked about taking a taxi to get out of the neighborhood and see something new.  The kids don’t wake up until later (around 4:00 p.m.) though, so the rest of the afternoon is pretty much shot.  Plus sightseeing with two little kids is challenging.  We have to pack their stuff and push strollers along streets not built for them.  So low on energy and motivation, we played in our room and then moved down the hall to the hotel’s playroom.  I was definitely having cabin fever at that point.  I’ll be sad when this trip is over, because it really is the trip of a lifetime, but the downtime can often be really dull. 

China Trip Day #17 - Free Day in Guangzhou

We had a much-needed free day today.  On one hand, I wish we could have eliminated all the days with nothing adoption-related to shorten the trip, but since the length of time all these steps in the adoption process take is what it is, it’s nice to catch our breath with a day we can do whatever we want.  Our priority was for the kids to take a good nap and get to bed on time.  We didn’t set an alarm, (but have two alarms sleeping in bed with us) lingered over breakfast and Skyped with the kids back home before meeting our guide at 9:30 a.m.

She took us to Yuexiu Park, a beautiful park here in central Guangzhou.  We walked along the old city wall and walked with the kids up was probably over 100 steps to a famous statue on the hilltop.  They made it the whole way without a single complaint.  All over the park the maintenance staff had planted flowers that looked like they were going to burst into bloom in another week.  Our guide explained that one of the things they do in preparations for Chinese New Year is plant tons of flowers, so those flowers will likely bloom in time for the February 19^th start of the lunar new year.  Unlike in Minnesota, that’s something you can do when you live in a sub-tropical climate.  They were also setting up lots of decorations in the traditional red and gold.  

We also enjoyed people-watching and parks in China are good locations for that.  We saw multiple groups of people dancing (ballroom, Chinese line dancing and even some Samba) and doing Tai Chi.  We had no intention of joining in, but our guide said we would have been welcomed to.  She also explained that parks are popular gathering spots for these activities because they have the space and they don’t have to worry about disturbing their neighbors since everyone lives in apartment complexes.  

Parks are also social gathering spots for the elderly.  The older people we have seen do one of two things – take care of their grandchildren or hang out in parks.  Grandparents are the main providers of childcare in China and because the kids are out on their six-week winter break right now, we see school-age kids everywhere accompanied by their grandparents.  The grandparents not minding their grandchildren can be found in a park dancing, doing Tai Chi or playing board games or cards.  

Our guide wanted to take us to another park, but we opted to go back to the hotel to make the kids noodles and get them down for their nap.  The latter has gotten a lot harder as the kids have gotten more comfortable with us.  Chris and I took turns going into the bedroom to quash their party plans, because that’s what it sounded like they were planning in there.  Miraculously they eventually did fall asleep and they got the nap we knew they so desperately needed.

By the time Kiera and Matteo woke up, it was already late in the afternoon, so unsure of how to kill time before dinner, we plopped them in their strollers and took a walk to a park with a playground near our hotel.  They have a blast playing there and it’s so cute how much Matteo likes having his sister there to play with him.  (Even though I’m not convinced they get that they’re siblings now and together forever.) He would sit down on the double slide and motion for Kiera to come over and slide down the one next to his.  

When I thought about what travel would be like adopting two children at once, I worried about how the kids would react to each other.  Would they like each other?  Would Matteo attach to us and then be jealous when Kiera came to us?  Would both kids attach to one over-burdened parent?  Thankfully none of these fears have come true.  Instead, Matteo and Kiera seem happier that they have each other.  At least for now!

We stopped at what has become our favorite restaurant here in Guangzhou, a Thai place that has something to please both me, the vegetarian, and the meat-lovers in our family.  That would be Chris, as well as Kiera and Matteo.  Chris ordered chicken and beef kabobs and they chowed down.  At this point, the kids eat pretty much anything.  They both like traditional Chinese foods like noodles, dumplings, rice and steamed buns, but Kiera does not appear to be a fan of tofu.  Of the western foods they’ve eaten, Kiera was not a fan of the pasta in red sauce and Matteo did not like ice cream at all.  I don’t think he’s ever eaten anything that cold and almost cried when he ate a bite.  Kiera is a different story.  I ordered myself a small cup of Haagen Dazs ice cream as a treat and gave her a bit to try thinking that she’d have the same reaction as Matteo.  But she clearly wanted more and I ended up splitting it with her.  

We’ve established a good routine at bedtime where the kids get a bath and then we cuddle in bed and read books before lights out.  Neither kid has ever been read to or probably even held a kids book before, so familiarizing them with books has been eye-opening.  Just as babies do who want to touch and hold everything, for the first week it was hard to even read Matteo a book because he kept grabbing at it, so we’d have to read holding the book high up out of his reach.  What’s amazing though is that in just a short time, he’s getting the routine of sitting and having someone read from a book.  He doesn’t grab as much at the book and is excited to get into bed with his pile of books and have one read to him.  Because he’s still learning English, he can’t follow the story line and when he loses interest in the book, I think it’s more because he doesn’t understand what’s going on.  Kiera sits quietly during story time, but so far, doesn’t seem super interested.  We bought some picture books on Shamian Island that have a picture of an object on each page with the English and Chinese words and the pinyin spelling of the Chinese characters.  Both kids really like those because they can page through them and look at the pictures.  They’re “written” at their level and even Chris and I are learning some Chinese words, so it’s fun for everyone. 

Getting Around China's Great Firewall

One of the most frustrating things about being in China is not trying to order food for a vegetarian or navigate the squat potties, but rather accessing the Internet.  The government blocks many sites, including Facebook and Google, which happen to be the two sites I use for communication back home.  Gmail is my primary e-mail account, I blog using Blogger and Facebook is how I keep up with what my friends and family are up to back home, in addition to being a place to post photos of our trip.  To get around the government firewalls, you can use something called a virtual private network, or a VPN.  

Because it’s difficult to download VPN’s in China, (the government has a vested interest in blocking those too) we downloaded a couple on our laptop, tablet and cell phones while we were still in the U.S. That means we had to guess at which VPN’s would work the best once we were over here.  Certain VPN’s work better in some locations than others and even what works changes frequently.  Just because a VPN worked great for someone who was just recently in China doesn’t mean it’s going to work without a hitch for you.  The best we could do was research online, ask on Facebook groups what VPN’s others who’ve recently traveled worked well and hope for the best. Given the problems we’ve encountered, I should have done more research, but it’s a lot for a non-techie like myself to take in, and “installing VPN’s” was just one of many items on a pages-long list of preparations for China.  

We’ve ended up having a lot of difficulty accessing blocked sites while in China and have even run into quite frequent problems accessing those that aren’t blocked.  Sometimes we’d get logged into the VPN, only to have it drop the connection, other times we’d be logged in, but couldn’t access blocked (or even unblocked) sites and other times we weren’t able to log into a VPN, but if we tried again later, it worked fine.  When we were in Beijing, someone posted an article on one of our Facebook groups about how “China announced it is ‘upgrading’ its Internet censorship to disrupt VPN services.”  I have such a limited understanding of VPN’s or even how the Internet works to even guess if this is the reasons for our difficulties.

Meanwhile, we’re making do with the limited access we have.  We brought a travel router, which has been a lifesaver, because when the Internet is slow, it makes it that much more difficult to connect to a VPN.  Without it, we would not have been able to log into any VPN’s at our hotel in Beijing, and it’s made doing things like uploading pictures to our Facebook pages possible.  

Unfortunately, now that we’re in Guangzhou, the only VPN that works is the one specifically for Apple devices (Onavo), which means we have it on our iPhones, but not our non-Apple laptop or tablet.  To update my blog, I type my post in Word on my laptop, copy and paste the post into an e-mail in my Hotmail account and e-mail it to my Gmail e-mail address.  I open up Gmail on my phone and copy and paste the post into my blog.  It’s reasonably straight-forward, but it often takes me a couple tries between the VPN dropping and me touching the wrong button while working off such a small screen on my iPhone.  Even when I could access my blog on my laptop, trying to add pictures to my posts slowed things to a crawl, (even with the router) so that’ll just have to wait until I get home.  

Since I can’t access Facebook on my laptop here in Guangzhou, posting pictures to Facebook got a lot more cumbersome.  I upload the pictures on my laptop and e-mail them from my Hotmail account to my Gmail account.  I can only e-mail three to four pictures at a time.  I then open up the e-mail on my phone, wait for the pictures to load, which takes forever, and then save the pictures to my phone.  Posting the pictures to Facebook once they’re on my phone is pretty easy, but as you can see, it’s time-consuming to get to that point.  

For anyone heading to  China, here's our list of what VPN's worked and didn't work.  No one VPN ever worked perfectly, so when I say something worked, it means that I got it to work with enough frequency to be usable.  

Beijing: Onavo (yes), Panda Pow (yes), Express VPN (no), VPN Express (no)

Hefei, Anhui: Onavo (yes), Panda Pow (yes), Express VPN (no), VPN Express (no)

Guangzhou, Guangdong: Onavo (yes), Panda Pow (no), Express VPN (no), VPN Express (no); another family here says Vyper has been working for them, but we didn't download this one due to bad reviews by previous families. 

China Trip Day #16 - Visiting Kiera's Orphanage and Foster Family

We visited Kiera’s orphanage and foster family in Shenzhen today and thankfully it was not nearly as of an emotional day as when we visited Matteo’s birth city.  So for those of you caught off-guard by that tear-jerker of an account, I promise you that this visit was much different.  It was an adventurous day in some respects, but overall quite fun.  

Shenzhen is only an hour and twenty minutes by train from Guangzhou, so instead of paying for a driver and a guide, we opted for the train.  Our guide booked our train tickets (1^st class!) the night before and wrote out instructions for us in Chinese so we’d be able to get from the train station by taxi to the orphanage.  Our hotel shuttle made great time during morning rush hour and we ended up at the station 45 minutes before our 9:42 a.m. departure.  

At the Guangzhou train station, visitors pass through security to get into the main station area where you can buy tickets. To get to your train, you have to scan your ticket and pass through turnstiles.  We watched everyone else go through and thought we had it down until our passes wouldn’t scan.  We later realized that for crowd control purposes, they only let you through when it’s close to your departure time.  A sympathetic guard had waved us through, so we ended up in the crowded corral of people waiting for their train.  About ten minutes before each train left, a rush of people headed towards the concourse.  When it was our turn, we each scooped up a kid and followed the throng of people up onto the platform.  It was a relief when we finally made it to our seats.  Since kids under 120 centimeters can ride for free, we only needed to buy two seats, but bought a third (at a half price child’s ticket) to give ourselves some extra room.

When we arrived in Shenzhen, I had my directions ready and we tried following the signs for the taxi stand, but they weren’t super clear.  We saw a group of taxis and made our way towards them when we were approached by one of the drivers.  He quoted me a price of 150 RMB (about $25) and my gut feeling told me we were being ripped off.  We’ve taken enough taxis to know that you can take a 20-minute cab ride for less than $7.  We were in a new city and perhaps the orphanage was farther than we thought, so we followed the guy anyway.  But when he lead us to his taxi, it wasn’t one of the taxis with the “taxi” light on top, but a private car.  It was one of those “black taxis” I’d been warned to avoid.  Not only did they quote us an outrageous price, but we probably would have paid well above 150 RMB when we finally made it to our destination.  Chris and I told him we were going to catch a real taxi and turned around and headed back to the station with the “taxi” driver running after us.  We finally found the taxi stand where you can catch a legal taxi and we paid 43 RMB.  I’m glad we trusted our gut!

However, when we arrived at our destination, my gut also told me we weren’t at the right place.  The taxi driver didn’t speak any English and he kept motioning at a particular building and seemed pretty confident it was in fact the right address.  So we got out.  And we were not at the right address.  Luckily, when I presented our taxi directions to someone we found sitting at the reception desk of the building we were dropped off in front of, he knew where the orphanage with us.  When it was clear that we did not understand a lick of his directions on how to find where we were going, he motioned to us to follow him.  

I was so happy to find the orphanage, except that the people our guide told us would be waiting for us, were not there.  We stood in the lobby unsure of what to do.  It was an adventure making it as far as we did, but there we were standing in an orphanage in a city in China we’ve never been to before and we didn’t speak any Chinese.  

We saw a group of people carrying their lunches towards the elevator and we recognized the two orphanage staff members who had brought Kiera to us on Monday. They were Ms. Pan, who works in the office, and Kiera’s preschool teacher/nanny.  It turns out our guide had not notified them that we were coming because they were definitely not expecting us!  I was horribly embarrassed, especially when they dropped everything they were doing and rearranged their day to show us around.  Since they were about to eat lunch, they started by taking us back to the staff cafeteria and insisted on getting us lunch, which we ate with the director of the orphanage.  Thankfully Ms. Pan can speak English pretty well and translated for us.  

After lunch we went up to drop our things in Ms. Pan’s office before getting a tour.  We were walking down the hallway when a woman popped out of a room and yelled Kiera’s Chinese name, Jie Yu.  She scooped her up and chatted lovingly with her.  We learned that she was the other teacher in Kieras preschool classroom. Half the Sky, the American organization that works in orphanages across China, runs a preschool (among other things) at the orphanage in Shenzhen and Kiera attended every school day.  We visited the well-stocked room and it was cool to see the room where so many of the pictures we’ve received of Kiera were taken.  

Before we visited, our guide had warned us that the orphanage doesn’t look very nice, but assured us that it looks that way because all the money goes into helping the kids.  I thought that was really apparent during our visit.  Kids who age out continue to live at the orphanage if they want to.  Ms. Pan talked about how some have gone on to university and when I asked who pays for that, she replied, we do of course.  As we walked through the orphanage, she knew every kid by name, their ages and what they were up to.  She proudly introduced us to two 13-year-old boys who are being adopted by families, both from Arizona.  Everyone we passed knew Kiera and were so excited to see her and meet Matteo, Chris and me.

We left the orphanage to walk over to where Kiera’s foster family lives.  The orphanage rents 10 apartments nearby and hires couples to live in the apartments and take care of up to five children.  The foster dad usually works outside the home, but the foster mom is employed by the orphanage.  Foster parents are not allowed to have any other non-foster children living in the home.  The orphanage also has more traditional foster families who take in one foster child from the orphanage.  

We carried the kids up the five flights of stairs to reach the foster family’s apartment.  When the foster mom opened the door, Kiera walked in like she was coming home.  Her four siblings still live there and will do so indefinitely since two have aged out (when kids turn 14, by Chinese law they are no longer allowed to be adopted), another is not eligible for domestic or international adoption and the other has more extensive medical needs that make him harder to adopt.  

Kiera was the baby of the family and very well loved.  She shared a bed with her eight-year-old foster sister, who loved showing us her room.  As Ms. Pan translated, Kiera’s foster mother shared funny stories about what Kiera is like as a kid and all the things she likes to do, such as color.  Her foster sister explained how she and her foster brother would teach Kiera how to say new words and draw characters.  They were really sweet how they included Matteo in their fun.  

As much as Kiera’s foster mom clearly loved her and was open about how much she’d miss her, she had prepared Kiera and the other kids well.  We happened to see the foster sister back at the orphanage at the end of our visit.  She said goodbye to Kiera one last time and then excitedly told her friends that we were Kiera’s family and proudly said we had visited her home. Kiera’s foster mom always referred to Chris and me as Kiera’s dad and mom.  At one point, she handed out snacks to the kids and told Kiera to give one to her mom.  She happily pointed out how Kiera had looked towards me and not her when she said that because only a week ago, Kiera had only known her as “mom”.  She was so gracious in how she was willing to let someone else be Kiera’s mom.  She was interested in Kiera’s new name and even asked me to write it down on paper.  The Chinese have such short names and she laughed when she saw that Kiera now has four names.  Before we left she told our guide she was happy she met us because now she knows that Kiera has a good family.  Chris and I were relieved we met her approval!

Kiera’s foster mom was such a friendly, jovial woman, but the only time I saw her get sad was when it was time to go.  I thought we were going to say goodbye in her apartment, but she insisted on coming down to the street with us and carrying Kiera, because she said it was the last time she’d get to hold her.  We walked down the street and I wasn’t sure if she was going to come all the way back to the orphanage with us, but I let her take the lead.  She eventually put Kiera down and I saw her get teary-eyed as she hugged her.  When Chris picked Kiera up, he said she was breathing hard, like she was trying not to cry, even though she didn’t look like she was about to.  

Back at the orphanage, we sat down with Ms. Pan and went through some of Kiera’s file.  We learned some surprising new details.  They don’t sound like much when compared with what one knows about a biological child, but that fact that we know what day and time she was born, where she was born and how much she weighed is pretty amazing.  We also learned a few other details that answer some questions, yet create so many more.  I asked a lot of questions that began with “why” and mostly all Ms. Pan could answer is, “We don’t know.”  When Kiera and Matteo get to the age of asking questions, sadly, we'll be repeating, "We don't know."  

The kids had gone without naps today and we didn’t want to push the warm welcome we had gotten, so we decided it was time to start the trip back to Guangzhou.  Ms Pan didn’t like our guide’s idea of us taking a taxi back to the train station and trying to buy tickets on our own (even though I had everything written out in Chinese) and insisted that get a car and send us to the station with two woman from the office who would buy the tickets for us and get us to the right concourse.

Because of rush hour traffic, our car dropped us and our guides off at a subway station and we took the metro the rest of the way.  They bought our tickets, escorted us through security and talked their way past the guards to be able to escort us all the way to the concourse.  

It was almost the kids' bedtimes by the time we made it back to our hotel room.  It was a very long day, but obviously such an incredible experience.  Just like we had done for Matteo, I'm thankful we had the opportunity to go back to where Kiera spent the first part of her life, take pictures, ask questions and meet (and thank) the people who cared for her.