Pre-Adoption Special Needs Consultation

We are adopting from China's special needs program and as part of the home study process, must answer a four-page, single-spaced list of needs we will or will not consider.  I felt overwhelmed and scared when I first looked at the list.  I had never heard of the majority of the conditions (forget about being able to pronounce some of them!) and I tried Googling to learn more.  Bad idea!  I just felt depressed.  Chris and I made a half-hearted attempt to answer some of the questions, but felt unsure on even the ones that seemed like an obvious yes or no at first glance. 

On a tip from an adoptive parent who had adopted a boy last year from China, we made an appointment for a pre-adoption consultation with Dr. Eckerle at the University of Minnesota's International Adoption Clinic.  What a wonderful resource to have so close by.  So we wouldn't have to battle traffic, we scheduled a conference call over Skype.  Our nanny took the kids out to dinner while we received a mini medical lecture on every single condition listed on the form.  As a pediatrician at an adoption clinic, Dr. Eckerle has experience with the types of conditions typically presented in children who have lived in orphanages and/or were born in China.  She was so honest about what she was and wasn't concerned about and what she rarely or has never seen in the 1,000+ children she has seen for post-adoption exams. 

I finished our hour-and-a-half-long consultation feeling better informed.  Chris had a much different reaction.  He had migrated from my side at the dining room table to our living room couch and seemed very disinterested.  As soon as I logged out of Skype, he announced, "That was horrible! Every single thing you don't want to happen to your child and you have to go line by line through each one in excruciating detail." 

In that sense, it was horrible. A first parent has already said no to this child and before even meeting him or her, we're basically saying, you are too much for us to handle.  And if we say no, how many others will also say no?  And for the children with the most serious conditions, what will their quality of life and prognosis be without proper treatment and care, love, family and an advocate?  Thinking about the unfairness in health and circumstance makes me so sad.

A lot of joy can come from adoption, but there also a lot of tough choices.  And for adoptive parents, that's being honest with what we can handle.  Chris and I ended up checking "no" for many of the listed conditions, and at best, "willing to discuss."  Some conditions, like developmental delays, I hadn't thought at first would be so serious.  I knew that most children who grow up in orphanages come home with developmental delays for a variety of reasons.  The doctor was frank that if all the kids have developmental delays, though, and then a child, who compared with all those other children, is diagnosed with a developmental delay, then you can assume it's quite serious.  And some conditions aren't serious in some cases, but you won't know until the child is older, and when adopting a one- or two-year-old, the exact prognosis is not yet known. 

Many of the conditions we indicated we think we can handle still don't seem very minor to parents who have no experience with special needs.  Dr. Eckerle estimated that 60% of children available for adoption from China have cleft/lip palate.  Though this condition falls into the "minor and/or correctable" category, two to three surgeries are needed stateside, along with possible speech therapy, dental work and ear tubes. 

Right now we're talking about theoretical kids.  The difficult part is going to come when we receive a match.  Then we're talking about an actual child who could become our son or daughter.  We'll have 72 hours, with Dr. Eckerle helping us to evaluate the file, to make a decision, yes or no. 

Questions About the Adoption Timeline

"Congratulations!" is one of the common reactions we've received in the weeks since we officially announced our plans to adopt from China.  That always catches me off guard because I don't feel like I have anything tangible to be celebrated yet.  We've started a process with no definitive timeline and no guaranteed outcome.  Naturally, everyone is excited, though, and want to know when we're going to welcome a new son or daughter into our family. 

This timeline shows some of the important steps or milestones for adopting from China.  The time frames are estimates only and can vary greatly.  Vacations, holidays (both in the U.S. and China), politics and, not surprisingly, bureaucratic red tape, can slow any of these steps down.  Our social worker's upcoming jury duty is pushing our timeline back.  We won't be able to complete our interviews until around Labor Day and then I'm not anticipating much getting done right before and after the holiday.

China Adoption Timeline

• Home Study (2-3months) - This consists of  interviews, a home visit, paperwork, and assessments that are required by the U.S. government. We hope to finish in about two months by mid-September.
• Dossier (2-3 months) - Sometimes known in adoption lingo as the "paper chase," this is the set of legal documents we prepare to send to China to request to adopt an orphan.  It includes a letter requesting permission to adopt a Chinese orphan, home study, police reports, immigration approval, reference letters, medical reports, marriage certificate, birth certificates, letters of employment, and photos of your family and house. We generally can't do much for dossier preparation until the home study is complete, so we don't anticipate we'll start on this step until after Labor Day. 
• Log in Date (LID) (30 days) - The dossier is mailed to the China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA), which is the division of the Chinese government that handles all of China's adoptions, where it will be registered and translated.  That is when we should receive our Log-In Date (LID), which means we are officially eligible to be matched with a child.
• Referral (1-6 months) - The referral is adoption lingo for "match".  China releases a list monthly of the children eligible for international adoption and agencies around the country work to match those children with the right families.  If there's not a match, you generally wait until the next month for another opportunity.  Families have 72 hours to accept a match and it's not unheard of for a family to go through one or two failed matches if they decide they are unable to parent that child, often because they discover the medical issues are more than they think they are prepared for. 
• Travel (6 months) - From the time we accept a referral to the day we meet our child in person is about six months. 
  

Preparations for Home Study

Chris and I have hit the ground running with the paperwork for our Home Study, which we hope to complete before our first interview on August 6.  We've been fingerprinted at the police station and requested background checks, we've signed most of the paperwork, we finally have originals of everyone's birth certificates and we've nearly completed our essays.  Yes, essays.  This is where we write about our families and backgrounds and try to convince our social worker that our parents raised us perfectly, we never fought with our little brothers, our discipline techniques with our children are always effective and we got straight A's in school.   

The first of the Home Study interviews will take place at our house so our social worker can meet the kids and tour the house.  I've been reading enough blogs and message boards to know not to stress about the Home Visit.  Bloggers have posted pictures of their homes with captions like, "Look at our living room!  You'll never see it this clean again!"  And then they were disappointed that the social worker barely looked around.  The social worker (purportedly) doesn't come to judge you on when you last scrubbed your bathtub or by how much unfolded laundry is piled up on the couch; she visits your home to learn about your family, make sure it's safe and that there's room for another child. 

That reassurance aside, I do want her to be able to make it to the front door of our house without climbing over the tricycles, recycling bins and gardening tools that haphazardly clutter our porch, then not trip over toys or shoes when she enters the foyer, which is about the size of an airplane lavatory, and, finally, have a place to sit on the couch that's not covered in fore-mentioned unfolded laundry.  And, well, I think I'll scrub the bathtub just in case she takes a peak behind the shower curtain.

Otherwise, I'm going to hold back from a cleaning frenzy.  I was tempted to use the Home Study as an excuse to hire a housekeeper to do a deep clean, but opted to save the money and let the social worker see the real us.  Instead, the Home Study is motivating us to tackle a few larger-scale housekeeping projects.  I finally thinned out the pile of things in the back bedroom that have been hanging out ever since I moved them there to set up Soren's bedroom.  And while I hung out at the park with the kids last Sunday, Chris hosed down all the toys and trikes from the porch and then swept and mopped it. 

Now that the house is in reasonable order, I'm looking forward to inviting our social worker into our home to meet our family and learn more about us. 

Soren Update: 21 Months

Would I regret it if I trimmed Soren's curls on the back of his head?  He's finally growing hair, which is growing faster on the back of his head than anywhere else.  Now that it's hot and humid, that little bit of longer hair curls and those wisps of fine baby hair are so darn cute.  The curls require constant grooming, though, or else the back of his head becomes a big matted mess.  I can't decide whether to give the curls a little trim or just leave them be. 

In addition to growing hair, Soren is also growing the list of words he can say.  Car, bubble, Oliver, go, up, please, thank you, help, book and dog are all words that he can say, or least well enough to resemble the actual word.  It's a joy to listen to him babble and then hear him say a real word.  And every time, I think, "Where did that come from?" 

And he's learned how to say, "Mine!"  Dear me.  It has begun.  So far, his declarations of "mine" have been cute since he hasn't learned to use the word to its full capacity yet.  We were walking out to the car once when he looked up at me and held up the car he had in one hand and quietly and happily said, "mine." 

Even if Soren isn't screaming, "Mine!" he still does a lot of screaming and shrieking.  For all the words he can say, sometimes-ear-piercing shrieks are his primary form of communication.  I find it amazing (and super annoying) how quickly Oliver has learned how to push Soren's buttons just by looking at him.  A glance his way can send Soren into screaming fits and I've already found myself reduced to hissing at Oliver to stop looking at Soren.    

He's got a good appetite for a toddler, but one type of food he's become addicted to are granola or cereal bars.  It took me awhile to realize that when he screamed "Bar!" he was talking about a granola bar.  Oliver called them "O-bars" at this age, but for Soren, it's simply "bar". 

Although it's been really hot lately, it is nice to be able to head outside with the kids without having to bundle them up, because Soren loves being outside.  It's so cute how he steps his feet up and down as soon as you put his sandals on and then he runs to the door and tries to get out even as you're trying to open it for him.  I found a $3 Big Wheels-type tricycle at a garage sale and it has a handle that sticks up from the back so I can push Soren on it and he loves "cruising" the block.  He's also obsessed with the water table and dumping water on the sidewalk.   

Soren has been having a rough time falling asleep for weeks now.  I think he's just so aware of the world and doesn't want to miss out on the fun.  He's got the bedtime routine down.  He knows he brushes his teeth and then he lies down on the floor so I can change his diaper.  He's so excited to pick out a book that I'm often trying to change him into pajamas while he's reaching for a book.  Then he hops into bed, pulls his cover over his lap and excitedly waits for his bedtime story to begin.  However, once I finish reading, he looks over at his bookshelf, points and yells "Book!" and then breaks down and wails when I kiss him goodnight and tell him it's time to go to sleep.  We have some nights that go better than others where we he settles down once we go back him and give him another kiss and reassuring snuggle.  Other nights he cries "Mommy!" so pitifully that I regret that he's learning to talk. 

Homemade Strawberry Jam

Sixteen jars of strawberry jam sit on my kitchen counter.  Those are 16 jars filled by a labor of love.  It took hours stretched over a couple of days (thanks to little free time with two little kids underfoot) to make that jam.  And that didn't include the time I spent driving to the farm and then, body bent over and face moistened from sweat, actually picking the strawberries.  Making strawberry jam is actually quite easy, even for a canning novice like myself.  But there are a lot of steps from hulling every berry to adding the ingredients in the right order after precise timing, to lowering and raising jars of prepared jam in and out of a stock pot full of boiling water. 

For previous generations, canning was a cost-saving activity, but given what it costs now and how easy it is to buy food goods at the store, I can only justify canning by calling it a hobby.  If you add up the cost of $2.05 per pound of berries, gas to drive to the berry patch, jars, additional ingredients and the time it takes to actually make the jam, even the most expensive store-bought jam is probably cheaper.   But once I tasted my first batch of Minnesota-grown strawberry jam, I remembered how gosh darn good the homemade stuff is.  For all the time the jam took to make, the whole process was a lot of fun and having a delicious finished product is gratifying. 

Homemade strawberry jam is more than just proof that I finally succeeded in something crafty, it's a connection to my mother. The kitchen was not her favorite place to be, but one of the few things she did love making "from scratch" was strawberry jam.  She made enough jars of it every year that I honestly can't remember ever seeing store-bought jam in our house.  She enjoyed gifting people with jam, and addition to her quilts, homemade jam was something she was known for.  No matter how much time or money is involved in making jam, the process is a connection to tradition, my past and most importantly, my mom.   Every time I pass by those jars on my kitchen counter, I'm reminded of her.  Much of the jam I'll most likely give away, and with each gift given, I'll be reminded of her generosity. 

Home Study Orientation

We plan to mail in the paperwork for our background checks and our finger print cards on Friday and once the state of Minnesota and the FBI gives our adoption agency the all clear, our home study can officially begin.  The home study is the first big step in the adoption process and involves interviews with our social worker, a visit to our home, lots of paperwork and at least ten hours of education on adoption. 

I met with our social worker, Lindsey, today to go over all the paperwork we'll need to complete as part of the home study.  The stack is somewhere between thicker than the stack of paperwork we signed for our refinance two weeks ago and thinner than what I'd imagined we'd be tackling.  Since Chris is away for work the next two weeks and Lindsey reports to jury duty the Monday Chris gets back, I was thankful she agreed to meet with just me so we can get started.  I almost feel like we have a three-week head start to collect documents, fill out questionnaires, get finger-printed, complete the first round of education and schedule home visits. 

I had started the adoption process under the impression that the social worker was from outside the adoption agency and remained mostly a stranger who showed up for the home visit and was somehow "against" you by looking for anything wrong with your house or family.  Then I learned that Lindsey, the woman who has been guiding us and will continue to guide us through every step of the process, is that one that writes our home study.  She finds it a blessing to be a part of an adoptive family's journey and is here to be our resource. 

I've been impressed with Lindsey so far.  She's answered every last question I've thrown at her so far (and I have a lot!) and she was both calm and encouraging as she explained the long and detailed process to adopt from China.  I had gone in with some worries about the process and left feeling more informed and encouraged.  What a relief to have a friendly face in what can feel like an overwhelming, personal and intrusive process.

New Water Table

The kids' water table was stolen last week.  Coincidentally, some guy had come to the door the week before asking if we were giving our "planter" away.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  I informed him the "planter" was actually a water table.  He had no idea what I was talking about.  I explained you put water in it and the kids play with it. 

"In it?" he asked. 

With growing impatience I explained that the kids splash their toys around in it.  He looked perplexed.  Either way, I made it clear we were not giving it away.  Then it disappeared. 

Chris thinks I was more upset about it than the kids.  Of course, he was not deterred.  He simply built a new one out of scrap wood we still had in the garage.  That's one of the reasons he's such a great dad.  The kids' water table is stolen and he builds a brand new one!

Chris painted the water table this time so there's no mistaking what it is or who it belongs to.  He even painted in our address on the other side.

Chinese Adoption

We are about to start the process to adopt from China! Adoption is something Chris and I have talked about since before we married and after the blessing of welcoming Oliver and Soren into our lives, we feel like it's the right time to pursue this dream.
 

While we are very excited to adopt, the process will be long. It'll be possibly two years before we bring a child home and it'd be an absolute miracle if it happened in a year. There'll be periods of a lot of preparation as we meet with social workers, take classes and prepare our adoption application for China. And then there'll be periods of waiting with little news to share.
 

We chose China because it has a well-established adoption program, its wait times are shorter than other countries we considered and the travel requirements are more manageable (one, two-week trip). Despite the perception that only girls are in need of adoption, boys, particularly those with "minor and/or correctable needs," are in the most need of forever families. Thus we'll most likely be adding another son to our growing family and Chris and I couldn't be more happy about that.
 

Before we get too ahead of ourselves though, adoption is a process with no guarantees. We could run into an unforeseen hurdle down the road and need to pursue adoption from another country, switch to domestic adoption, or even hold off on adopting all together. Of course we hope it doesn't come to that. Instead, we're moving ahead with hearts and eyes wide open.
 

Our application with Bethany Christian Services is in and we officially begin the first big step in the adoption process next week - the home study.  I plan to write more about our adoption experience, but if you ever have questions, just ask!
 

We thank you for your love and support.

Strawberry Bounty

The strawberries were plentiful this year and my friend Dawn and I were fortunate to be able to continue our tradition of taking our kids strawberry picking on the 4th of July.  And what a day for it - sunny skies and low 80s.  We took a tractor ride out to the strawberry patch and upon first inspection, I was delighted to see how big the berries were in comparison with last year's crop.  I couldn't stop picking them and 15 pounds of strawberries later, I was still excited to thrust apart a bunch of leaves and see another juicy and deep red berry hidden below. 

Just Soren was along for this season's strawberry-picking outing since Chris had taken Oliver up to the cabin with him for the weekend.  Last summer Soren wasn't walking, (I can't even remember if he was crawling) so I had plopped him down on a towel in between rows of berries.  Of course he wasn't content to just sit in one spot and by the time we had finished picking, he was wet (it had drizzled on and off that morning) and muddy and had consumed more straw, dirt and leaves than I want to think about. 

What a difference a year makes. Soren and I set right to work at the edge of our assigned row.  I picked a strawberry and dropped it in the cardboard tray and Soren picked it up and took a small bite out of it and dropped it back in the tray.  I picked a second strawberry and Soren took a bite out of that one too.  Not wanting to cut off all the gnawed halves of strawberries before making jam, I picked a whole bunch of berries for Soren and then took the other cardboard tray to the other end of our row and resumed picking.  Soren happily munched on strawberry after strawberry and sometimes ate the whole thing, little green top and all! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you can imagine, Soren was covered in strawberry juice and sweat by the time we were finished, but he was a happy kid.  And after a morning full of sun, tractor sightings and all the strawberries he could eat, he fell fast asleep on the car ride home. 

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

Now that we have two kids, it's rare when Chris and I spend any time with just one of our children.  So when I received a coupon for the Children's Theater Company in Minneapolis, we thought it'd be fun to take Oliver to see a play and let him have a night with mom and dad to himself.  If You Give a Mouse a Cookie was playing and we thought that would be a good one for Oliver to see since he's familiar with the book. 

We'd talked up our big night out to the theater a few days ahead of time.  As I was getting ready for work this morning, I reminded Oliver that when Dad and I returned from work, we'd have dinner and then go to the play.  I must have told him at some point that he'd need to dress up, because he suddenly announced that he wanted to wear his overalls to the play because he wanted to dress as a train conductor.  (He was a train conductor for Halloween last year.) I told him that you don't wear overalls to the theater, to which he insisted that he needed to "dress up."  He'd clearly taken that direction literally!

We weren't sure how a book that takes all of three minutes to read could be turned into a play of one hour and 15 minutes in length, but the Children's Theater surprised us with their adaption of the story and the excellent acting. The plot behind If You Give a Mouse a Cookie was simple enough for our nearly-four-year-old to follow.  A boy and a mouse were the only characters to keep track of and the plot consists of a mouse getting himself into one mess after another.  The portrayal of the mouse's antics were entertaining for adults and children alike watch. 

I was surprised by how interested Oliver was in the play.  Dark theaters have scared him during the few movies or plays we've taken him to, but this time around he was fine if he could sit in one of our laps.  The only thing he didn't like that some scenes were too loud.  We were in the fifth row and during scenes were the mouse and the boy got carried away, Oliver covered his ears.  He willingly returned to the theater after eating a cookie at intermission, but with just minutes to go in the play, he decided he'd had enough.  The mouse was just being too naughty in his words, which means it was way past his bedtime and he'd had enough over-stimulation. 

On the drive over, Oliver had looked sad and he said it was because he missed Soren.  I found it heart-warming to hear how much he wanted to be with his brother, but I think he'd still give his first professional play and a date night with mom and dad two thumb's up.