12 Months Ago

Tonight I spent the evening looking at pictures of Soren from the past 12 months.  I've shared many on Facebook, but I've taken so many that even as I took them, I knew that many only I would ever see.  But I still take pictures so that on occasions like tonight, the night before Soren's first birthday, I can reminisce.  I almost cried looking at pictures from his first days and weeks of life when I realized that I can't remember anymore what Soren looked like or how small he once was if it weren't for pictures.  But I also looked in awe at some pictures that I probably haven't looked at since I first uploaded them from my camera. And of course when looking at pictures that span the first year of Soren's life, I was amazed by his physical transformation in that time. 

In folder upon folder of pictures, there's occasionally one of me.  And I reflected on my own transformation.  At this time twelve months ago, I was in labor, and what I guess can be an exhilarating (even if painful) time in a woman' life, was not so for me.  I was in pain, of course, but also terrified.  I was anxious about being able to handle a second kid and how I'd manage physically if I had another c-section.  There was really nothing positive about my labor either.  Not the ineffective epidurals and a baby in a posterior position, not the uncaring labor and delivery nurse, not the OB with bad beside manner, not the long labor and finally, not, an unsuccessful VBAC and another c-section. 

Even though there's a lot regarding Soren's birth that's still painful for me, the 12 months that followed have been exhilarating.  I fell in love with him almost immediately and now can't remember what my life was like without him.  Everyone says the first year of a baby's life goes by so quickly, but I feel like Soren's first year has gone by even faster than Oliver's.  That's possibly because we weren't adjusting to being parents and our lives just got that much crazier with two kids.  Despite the chaos and lack of sleep that are now part of my life, when I think back on this past year with Soren, I just think about how happy I am with him in my life.