The sky hasn't fallen

I have two friends due with their second kids in the next few months and they both want to know how I'm doing. Yeah, like how I'm recovering, how the baby is sleeping and all that. But really what they want to know is how I'm handling it with two kids. Just as I had desperately sought reassurance during my pregnancy from friends who'd just had a second baby, my still-pregnant friends want to know if I'm keeping my sanity and logistically how it's done. Expecting the worst had probably caused me a lot of unnecessary anxiety as I prepared for Soren's arrival, but the upside is that the reality doesn't seem as bad.

Taking care of a newborn is pretty much the same the second time around as it was the first. I change a lot of diapers, do a lot of wash, get up multiple times a night and spend hours nursing. What has changed is me. With Oliver, I remember being overwhelmed by the relentlessness of these tasks and by the feeling that this was going to be my life forever.  Often I still feel like the newborn stage will last forever, but having an older child gives me the perspective to know that it really does get easier.  Taking care of a baby feels like second nature now, so while I'm still getting to know Soren, there's otherwise not much of a learning curve. I'm a lot more confident and stress about things less.

That's not to say that taking care of two doesn't take more work and bring on additional stress. Not a day goes by where both boys aren't crying at the same time, or at a minimum, both need something at the same time. And inevitably, their schedules will never completely sync. The morning that Oliver sleeps in late is of course the morning that Soren won't go back to sleep after an early-morning feeding. Gone are the days of being able to run out the door with a sippy cup and extra diaper stashed in my purse. Now I'm back to lugging a car seat out to the car with an overstuffed diaper bag on my back and a toddler trying to break free from the grasp of my other hand. I had thought that the experience of taking care of my friend's son last year wasn't relevant to taking care of a toddler and a newborn because this child and Oliver are the same age, (and thus on the same schedule and have the same needs) but to my surprise, the experience prepared me for the situations I just described. Sometimes one kid just has to wait, the kids will cry, often at the same time, you won't be able to please everyone at once, you'll have to continuously adapt schedules and routines based on changing needs, and preparing meals, cleaning up and getting out the door all just take longer.  That's just the reality and the kids will survive.

The advantage of being a stay-at-home mom is that when things don't run smoothly, the consequences don't matter as much. The earliest we ever really need to be anywhere is 9:00 a.m. and if we're late, well, we're late. My fellow participants in the early childhood activities we participate in are more than understanding of a mom who's late because her toddler had a meltdown while she was preparing to leave the house. Choosing sleep over a shower after a rough night up with a newborn? It's not like I have a boss and co-workers I have to look presentable in front of. And if the toddler is uncooperative and the baby demands non-stop nursing and I just can't make it to the grocery store or find time to cook dinner, well, all the sandwiches we ate for dinner when I was sick during pregnancy and didn't have the energy or stomach to cook set a manageable standard post-pregnancy of what constitutes dinner.

Having Oliver changed my life and sometimes I was resentful. I grieved the loss of free time and the spontaneity of an unscheduled life. The relationship Chris and I had changed too as we assumed new roles (he, family provider, me, stay-at-home-mom) and learned to negotiate family and household responsibilities alongside limited time for friends and hobbies. Eventually it felt like we had brought some order into our post-child lives. We finally had our routine as a family and our time and energy devoted to school, work, raising a child and managing a household appeared like it was maxed out. So I had thought the arrival of a second child would be what would send our orderly lives spiraling out of control.

Although our adjustment hasn't been seamless, Soren was born into a family already adapted to a chaotic and busy life with kids. It has dawned on me that it was Oliver's arrival that made my life before his birth unrecognizable to the one I live today.  When Oliver was born, I initially thought I could simply add Oliver to the routine of my pre-child lifestyle.  Eventually, though, a life built around new friends with kids Oliver's age and the baby and toddler activities in my area was formed, my kid's rigid schedule became the norm and my expectations of what it's like to do or accomplish anything with a young child were adjusted.  So when Soren arrived, I already had the support of the same group of friends who'd helped me through Oliver's first two years and a social life geared towards a mom and a toddler.  Meanwhile, my housekeeping standards didn't have much farther to fall. 

Having a second kid forced me to face the reality that I can't run the household and raise kids by myself, even if I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm learning to rely on Chris a lot more, who in turn is keeping more manageable and consistent work hours. When Chris walks in the door at the end of the day, he's all about Oliver. And our new babysitter and my helpful in-laws are also helping me maintain a healthy balance in my life. If I had spent my first two years of parenthood failing to be the perfect mom and housewife I'd envisioned myself being, I surely wasn't going to be more successful with two kids.  I'm finally learning to ask for help and let go.

While I discovered that life as a mom of two is more manageable than I could have imagined, I know it'll get more difficult before it gets easier. Soren will develop a nap schedule just as Oliver abandons his. He'll no longer be a portable little infant. He'll develop his own interests and may not want to tag along to Oliver's activities. But those changes will come gradually and I'm sure I'll figure it out as they grow. Meanwhile, I'm just thankful the sky hasn't fallen and am trying to enjoy the acclimation period of this new phase of motherhood.