The waiting game

House renovations are never supposed to stay on schedule, but the only timely deliveries we've been able to count on in our life right now have been related to our basement renovation. Contractors and inspectors have shown up on time, special orders we were told would take a month arrived at least a week ahead of time, and those dreaded four-hour windows you're quoted for special deliveries or service calls haven't been a problem since everyone has arrived at more or less the beginning of the estimated time frame. This baby has been our only late delivery.

I prepared myself for the long haul, and even though babies coming late is completely normal, I am getting frustrated now that I'm a couple days over my due date. When I look at my calender and see the c-section typed in for a week from today, it's difficult for me not to think, "What if this baby never comes?" I never thought I'd be still pregnant anywhere close to October 14.

I want to try to enjoy this time before the baby comes, but honestly, I'm really bored. With my energy drained and the anxiety of going into labor at any point, the once-packed social calendar Oliver and I kept is mostly empty. Every day is a repeat of the same - wake up, realize I haven't gone into labor, and then plan a day that revolves around taking Oliver to the park and trying to suppress the guilt over all the things I could be doing to prepare for the baby's arrival, but won't do for lack of energy.

The tail-end of this pregnancy has been far from exciting for me, but after the internal debate I had with myself over whether to pursue a VBAC or a planned c-section, I still feel like I made the right choice. I will surely be very disappointed if I end up needing a c-section before going into labor, but the upside about the baby coming late is that any earlier was not the right time for him/her to come into this world. Planning a c-section earlier in my pregnancy would have given me some control over an experience that is as unpredictable as it is predictable. I could have picked a date and focused my type-A personality around the big day. But that scenario is not what felt right for me, even though much of my frustration and impatience is rooted in trying to accept the unknown.

Despite my confidence in my decision to pursue a VBAC, I'm still sensitive about it, because I want to feel supported, not like I'm inconveniencing anyone. Even though there shouldn't be more or less value placed on attempting a VBAC versus a repeat c-section, my guess is that the latter is still the more common scenario, even among women who have the choice between the two. With the unpredictability of an arrival date for a vaginal birth, I imagine everyone from well-wishers to called-upon helpers breathing a sigh or relief when a woman with the choice chooses a c-section. I chose a VBAC for many reasons, but not because I wanted unpredictability, and I often feel like I'm managing everyone else's expectations as much as my own.

For someone who's a planner and thrives on predictability, I'm left to just wait. So much in life we want to manage, fix or alter in attempt for the perfect solution, but a friend reminded me, this is a situation where doing nothing and just waiting is the right solution.