Was Your Mother-in-Law in the Delivery Room?

We have an active message board on my moms group website and any time I have a parenting-related question, I know I can rely on helpful responses from a diverse group of women. Every now and then a question evokes passionate response and the subject of the latest post generating a lot of chatter was "Was Your Mother-in-Law in the Delivery Room?" My fellow moms group member had her mom, whom she's very close to, in the delivery room when her first child was born, and since then, her mother-in-law has been demanding that being present at the birth of the next grandchild would be "her turn." Well, my friend is now pregnant with beloved grandchild number two. She's said no to her mother-in-law's demand in every tactful way she could muster, but the "debate" is tiring and starting to make her second guess herself. She wondered if maybe she's being unreasonable.

Heck no, I wanted to shout! It's your labor and delivery and not your mother-in-law's (or mother's or sister's, or neighbor's for that matter) and the laboring woman should be in control. It frustrates me to no end that this is even up for debate and I find it presumptuous of anyone (even your own mother) who expects to be in a delivery room. People don't demand to watch (or "help") for any other reason someone might find him or herself in the hospital. If she's never invited you to watch her receive a pap smear, then she just might decline your presence at the birth, miracle or not.

While labor is a "natural process," it's also damn hard work. It can be long. It can be tiring. It can be scary and it can be stressful. It takes concentration. Your modesty (literally) and dignity can be laid bare. Birth is not a spectator's sport or a presence at which you can "earn" or "deserve" a front-row seat unless you're the one who actually carried the baby. Having only people there who will be a comfort, not a distraction, is important.

I would bet most women have an image of what the moment after their baby is born will be like. For those who didn't find out the sex of the baby, it may be having their partner shout, it's a boy, or it's a girl. For some it might be the crowd of loved ones surrounding you with bated breath for the new baby's first cry. For others, it might be mom and dad cuddling together on the hospital bed with the newest member of the family. Whatever that image is, it's a very personal decision about what kind of birth experience you hope to have.

When I took the hospital tour when I was pregnant with Oliver, I remember the nurse devoting a portion of her spiel to what I'll call "visitor management." She stressed that while the hospital had no policy on the number of people allowed in the delivery room or to visit post-delivery, the mom can dictate who she wants and doesn't want there, and at what times. Some women don't mind a lot of visitors in the early stages of labor, but want the room cleared out when labor becomes more difficult. Some welcome a stream of visitors the moment the baby is born, while others request visitors to come only during certain hours. I was surprised when she told us that one of the nurse's main jobs was to manage visitors based on the mom's wishes and that they're prepared to play bad guy (...per hospital policy, you need to leave NOW) or bouncer. Does it really come to that, I thought?

I'm a fortunate one to have in-laws who are super respectful, laid-back and understanding. I can't even remember if we had a conversation about who I wanted there during labor and delivery, but I don't think they even asked, because they didn't expect to be there. I had no interest in going through the awkwardness of having people shooed from the room every time a nurse wanted to check how far dialated I was, let alone having anyone extra see me in a compromised state. (Why ruin their good image of me, right?) The plan was to have only Chris present at any point during labor and for me to accept visitors only when I felt ready to do so. I didn't even want anyone at the hospital for fear that someone would feel, "Well I'm here, why don't I just check in?" (or worse, "Let me go check to see what's taking so long.") or that I would feel guilty if visitors were left waiting too long in the waiting area.

As strict as our decision may have appeared, it seemed easier to ban everyone and then decide last minute to change it, than to invite everyone and then kick them out if I suddenly became uncomfortable with their presennce or the birth took a dramatic change of course.

Although I never would have predicted a 20-hour labor, a c-section and how the post-op pain, lack of sleep, lack of food, drugs, sudden hormonal changes and nausea rendered me such an absolute mess that I wanted no one to witness me ride it out, having no visitors was exactly what I ended up needing. When my in-laws arrived at the hospital to meet their grandson, they were very understanding when Chris brought Oliver to the waiting room so I could rest in my hospital room and recuperate with dignity.

Despite the difficulties I experienced with Oliver's birth and the aftermath, I've accepted that was all beyond my control. But I was fortunate I didn't have stress where I didn't need it. I felt comfortable with who was with me during Oliver's labor and birth, felt the support of those who weren't present and felt respected by all for the decisions I made regarding what I needed and wanted during and after the birth.

As for my friend preparing for the birth of her second child, I hope she guiltlessly stands her ground. If her mother-in-law doesn't back off, she may just have to borrow a line from another friend in our group. She also did not have her mother-in-law in the delivery room, or anyone else for that matter, except her husband. They cut off everyone's expectations early with the rule, "If you weren't in the room when the baby was made, you're not going to be in the room when the baby is born."