Teaching Young Kids About Sexuality

I joined a new early childhood education class mid-year after the topics for the semester had been chosen by the class, so I was happy to see "sexuality" already on the syllabus. I believe whole-heartily that sex education can and should begin young, but even this liberal, women's studies majoring, doesn't-want-sexuality-to-be-taboo mom will admit the topic can make me uncomfortable and unsure of where to start.

The community health educator from the Family Tree Clinic in St. Paul started by posing a question to the class: How did we first learn about sex from our parents and what values did they convey? The results were as one would expect - we had minimal to no guidance. Some talked about finding books on top bookshelves that they'd gawk over and laugh about with friends out of sight of parents, or the question of where do babies come from was answered with "You ask God for a baby, God places it in your stomach and then it comes out of your stomach." (Yeah, close mom. She got a pass with that last explanation since I happened to be born c-section.) A dad in our class told of his only "talk" from his own father was that "it" should be treated like a loaded gun - you have to be careful where it goes off. In my last early childhood education class, we were taught that unless you think about how you want to parent and discipline, you'll fall back on the only example you have, the parenting styles of your own parents. Do you think talking about sexuality would be any different?

What form does "sex education" take for the really young ones?  The topic for kids ages birth to five is really about sexuality the educator stressed. Young babies are discovering their different body parts and toddlers start to become aware of gender and the physical differences between girls and boys. They're learning vocabulary. They're learning about privacy, boundaries and feelings. They, or their friends, are welcoming new brothers and sisters and they suddenly have questions about babies. By the time the educator finished listing all of our suggestions of topics having to do with sexuality and young children, the list was quite long and they were all aspects parents have a direct influence on.

We discussed how to introduce the subject of sexuality and what challenges or opportunities will arise. We learned that developing a healthy sense of self in our kids can start simply by using the anatomically correct terms for all body parts and actually teaching all body parts. (For one woman in my class, there's the extra step in reminding her mother-in-law that she and her husband are not telling their boys their penises are called "front butt butts.") We learned that setting boundaries and expectations on matters related to safety or social interaction can apply to sexuality too.  So telling your daughter she has to wear underwear with her dress when she leaves the house or that your son has to put clothes on before guests come over (if you're comfortable enough with nudity that you're letting your son go naked in the house in the first place) isn't inhibiting their sexuality or free spirit - you are simply teaching them boundaries and respecting the feelings and comfort levels of others. We can teach values without shaming kids or making a topic taboo. We will answer questions. We've learned that there's a greater chance of us parents telling our kids too little, too late, than too much too early and whatever they don't comprehend will be filtered out by their own brains. That kids who who are "scarred" by learning the birds and the bees actually learned too little too late. That there's nothing inappropriate about talking about sex and bodies when it's not eroticized (a book with pictures of human bodies = appropriate, pornography = clearly inappropriate). That these conversations with your kids happen in snippets of conversation over time, so you're never actually having "the talk." That sometimes it does take practice answering their questions or addressing situations without showing disgust or shock (You agreed to show him yours if he showed you his?!?!). That if you didn't like how you answered a question, you'll have an opportunity to bring it up again. Because kids will ask again. If they feel like they can. Otherwise, there's the playground, school bus or a goldmine of misinformation unavailable to us as curious kids, the Internet.

We were asked to list two or three values we hope to pass on to our kids. For me that was sexuality isn't shameful, respect for their bodies/values/beliefs and those of others, and that homosexual, heterosexual or somewhere in between, they're loved and respected for who they are.

Near the end of the class, the educator happened to say something that shifted my thinking about teaching sexuality to young kids not as the right thing to do, but the safe thing to do. She commented how kids who grow up with a comfortable sense of their sexuality are less likely to be sexually victimized as kids, will enter the dating scene as teenagers more likely to recognize an uncomfortable situation and will emerge as adults more likely to speak up to their partners when something isn't working out with their physical relationship. On many of our lists when asked at the beginning of class about sexuality and children, was safety. And most weren't worrying about just "good touch, bad touch" or "stranger danger," but were thinking farther down the road about peer pressure, sexual violence, sexting, pregnancy and STDs. So while parents of kids under five are a group most over-looked in prioritization of who needs to be talking about sex education, the presenter made it clear what an important topic this is, especially for this age.