Oliver Update: 18 Months

As Oliver marches past the 18-month mark, he continues to be more fun and engaging. We can point things out to him and he takes note, and in turn, he points out the world to us (even if we still don't really know what he's pointing at). We can take him to the Children's Museum and he's a participant now, not just an observer. While his walk still has a "toddle" to it, he has more stamina for walking than we think. When visiting national parks and monuments on our trip to Santa Fe, Oliver walked much of the trails by himself and only needed a lift on the steep terrain. He has so much more mobility, and he's started trying to climb on things, so his sense of adventure is picking up.

But this increasingly fun phase has simultaneously been challenging, at least for me as a parent. Even two months ago, Oliver didn't have much opinion on what he did or when. Sure, when he was hungry, he wanted to eat, or when he was tired, he wanted to sleep, but otherwise, whatever mom and dad wanted to do, he was game. Suddenly he has a more vested interest in whatever he's doing at the moment - playing with his toys, engrossing himself in some household object, like dishwasher, bouncing around his crib after a nap, running up and down the sidewalk - but clearly doesn't understand yet time or urgency. He doesn't know when we have to be somewhere or the concept of being on time. He doesn't understand that food doesn't magically appear on the table, so therefore mom needs to end outdoor playtime to go inside and start dinner. He doesn't understand that the kitchen serves a function and isn't his personal playground. Every transition, however minor, like me needing to get into the kitchen cabinet he's happily opening and closing, to potentially enjoyable on his part, like snack time, has the potential to turn into a screaming fit. If I were able to let Oliver do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, for however long he wanted, I'd never wrestle a screaming, writhering kid back into a stroller, or elicit a floor head-banging tantrum over getting pajamas on or getting dressed for the day. There'd be A LOT fewer tears on Oliver's part and less aggravation and cries of "What do you want?" on my part, but Oliver would also spend all day in a soiled diaper in his pajamas and grazing on snack foods, our house would look like a disaster and we'd never go anywhere.

So I try to employ the suggestions from my early childhood education class about preparing kids for transitions and then brace myself for violent disapproval. I give reminders about expectations, dish positive reinforcement and employ timeouts with consistency. Not that the guiding behavior process goes swimmingly, and I've discovered that I'm not always the calm and composed parent I thought I would be. Some days I just have less patience for listening to whining and witnessing tantrums, while other days I'm more in tune with anticipating bad behavior and have better luck with redirecting.

But I know this behavior is typical for this age. And surrounding the frustrating moments is a whole lot of sweetness. Like the way Oliver likes to climb into my lap to have a story read. His four-teeth, gap-toothed grin. The way he mimics mom and dad doing everyday things, like when he tries to brush his own hair or put his socks on by laying them over his feet. When he toddles away, turns towards us and waves an arm towards himself as if he wants to say, "Come on guys! This way!" And of course there are those moments when I see I still have a bit of baby left in him, like that I can still cradle him in my arms, even if he's no longer a seven-pound, 20-inch-long infant, or like when I put him down to sleep wrapped up in his sleepsack, clutching his giraffe lovey and sucking softly on his pacifier.

After our trip to Santa Fe, where we carried Oliver in the Ergo more often than usual, we were convinced he had gained weight. Yet, although he supposedly grew three inches in the last three months to a bit shy of 33 inches, (the doctor said last check-up's measurement or this one had to have been off) he still topped out at just 23 pounds. But he's following his growth curve exactly as the doctor hoped he would.

I wasn't told what the questionnaire I was asked to fill out was about, but friends have told me that at 18 months, kids are given an "autism screening." I answered questions regarding how Oliver reacts to light and sound, how interested he is in other kids, whether he makes eye contact, points out objects, etc. I assuming there was no cause for concern.

What I did report as the doctor went through his development checklist with me is that Oliver still doesn't say any recognizable words. He talks to us, points at lots of things and has "conversations" with his friends, but he doesn't say anything that sounds like adult speech. He comes close with some words and we still wonder if we're just not paying enough attention when he babbles to interpret words. The doctor clearly hesitated in even mentioning that according to the guidelines, Oliver is considered speech delayed, because Oliver did just turn 18 months, and it's between 18 and 24 months that a child's speech really takes off. He said it's not unusual for a child who doesn't say anything at 18 months to have a 100-word vocabulary at 24 months. He didn't even tell me at what point we should truly be concerned and what action we would take in that case, but said that the important part is that Oliver is doing everything else that helps build language development. He engages you in "conversation," points at things and speaks, even if it's still babble, wants us to name things and understands what you're telling him. For my part, I'm truly not concerned for the time-being. We'll see what the next six months bring.

Was Your Mother-in-Law in the Delivery Room?

We have an active message board on my moms group website and any time I have a parenting-related question, I know I can rely on helpful responses from a diverse group of women. Every now and then a question evokes passionate response and the subject of the latest post generating a lot of chatter was "Was Your Mother-in-Law in the Delivery Room?" My fellow moms group member had her mom, whom she's very close to, in the delivery room when her first child was born, and since then, her mother-in-law has been demanding that being present at the birth of the next grandchild would be "her turn." Well, my friend is now pregnant with beloved grandchild number two. She's said no to her mother-in-law's demand in every tactful way she could muster, but the "debate" is tiring and starting to make her second guess herself. She wondered if maybe she's being unreasonable.

Heck no, I wanted to shout! It's your labor and delivery and not your mother-in-law's (or mother's or sister's, or neighbor's for that matter) and the laboring woman should be in control. It frustrates me to no end that this is even up for debate and I find it presumptuous of anyone (even your own mother) who expects to be in a delivery room. People don't demand to watch (or "help") for any other reason someone might find him or herself in the hospital. If she's never invited you to watch her receive a pap smear, then she just might decline your presence at the birth, miracle or not.

While labor is a "natural process," it's also damn hard work. It can be long. It can be tiring. It can be scary and it can be stressful. It takes concentration. Your modesty (literally) and dignity can be laid bare. Birth is not a spectator's sport or a presence at which you can "earn" or "deserve" a front-row seat unless you're the one who actually carried the baby. Having only people there who will be a comfort, not a distraction, is important.

I would bet most women have an image of what the moment after their baby is born will be like. For those who didn't find out the sex of the baby, it may be having their partner shout, it's a boy, or it's a girl. For some it might be the crowd of loved ones surrounding you with bated breath for the new baby's first cry. For others, it might be mom and dad cuddling together on the hospital bed with the newest member of the family. Whatever that image is, it's a very personal decision about what kind of birth experience you hope to have.

When I took the hospital tour when I was pregnant with Oliver, I remember the nurse devoting a portion of her spiel to what I'll call "visitor management." She stressed that while the hospital had no policy on the number of people allowed in the delivery room or to visit post-delivery, the mom can dictate who she wants and doesn't want there, and at what times. Some women don't mind a lot of visitors in the early stages of labor, but want the room cleared out when labor becomes more difficult. Some welcome a stream of visitors the moment the baby is born, while others request visitors to come only during certain hours. I was surprised when she told us that one of the nurse's main jobs was to manage visitors based on the mom's wishes and that they're prepared to play bad guy (...per hospital policy, you need to leave NOW) or bouncer. Does it really come to that, I thought?

I'm a fortunate one to have in-laws who are super respectful, laid-back and understanding. I can't even remember if we had a conversation about who I wanted there during labor and delivery, but I don't think they even asked, because they didn't expect to be there. I had no interest in going through the awkwardness of having people shooed from the room every time a nurse wanted to check how far dialated I was, let alone having anyone extra see me in a compromised state. (Why ruin their good image of me, right?) The plan was to have only Chris present at any point during labor and for me to accept visitors only when I felt ready to do so. I didn't even want anyone at the hospital for fear that someone would feel, "Well I'm here, why don't I just check in?" (or worse, "Let me go check to see what's taking so long.") or that I would feel guilty if visitors were left waiting too long in the waiting area.

As strict as our decision may have appeared, it seemed easier to ban everyone and then decide last minute to change it, than to invite everyone and then kick them out if I suddenly became uncomfortable with their presennce or the birth took a dramatic change of course.

Although I never would have predicted a 20-hour labor, a c-section and how the post-op pain, lack of sleep, lack of food, drugs, sudden hormonal changes and nausea rendered me such an absolute mess that I wanted no one to witness me ride it out, having no visitors was exactly what I ended up needing. When my in-laws arrived at the hospital to meet their grandson, they were very understanding when Chris brought Oliver to the waiting room so I could rest in my hospital room and recuperate with dignity.

Despite the difficulties I experienced with Oliver's birth and the aftermath, I've accepted that was all beyond my control. But I was fortunate I didn't have stress where I didn't need it. I felt comfortable with who was with me during Oliver's labor and birth, felt the support of those who weren't present and felt respected by all for the decisions I made regarding what I needed and wanted during and after the birth.

As for my friend preparing for the birth of her second child, I hope she guiltlessly stands her ground. If her mother-in-law doesn't back off, she may just have to borrow a line from another friend in our group. She also did not have her mother-in-law in the delivery room, or anyone else for that matter, except her husband. They cut off everyone's expectations early with the rule, "If you weren't in the room when the baby was made, you're not going to be in the room when the baby is born."

A St. Patrick's Day Anniversary

With Chris in Dallas, I was hanging out with friends and didn't read his text until after he had gone to bed.

"Happy 5th anniversary of the best night that I barely remember. I love you and am so happy I was able to type your number in correctly."

This actually melted my heart, because it's a reminder of how much my life has changed, for the better, because of a St. Patrick's Day night out years before. Never would I have predicted that five years later I'd be married to that man and have a second child on the way.

It was a typical St. Patrick's Day, with um, a lot of beer, and I couldn't tell if the flirtations of the handsome friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend was a product of his alcohol consumption or not. We had a fabulous night hanging out with friends, flirting and persevering with conversation above the impossibly loud music. The more I talked to him, the more I liked him. But then bar closing was approaching, members of our group began to get tired and trickle out, and my ride home was ready to call it a night. To spare my own rising hopes, instead of agreeing to see him the next day, I offered him my number, which he drunkenly typed directly into his cell phone. If he called, that is if he remembered me, I told him, then we could talk about going out together.

But he did remember. Well, mostly. He had entered my number in under "K," and had to ask the friend he was staying with my name and then was told it was "Kristen." But the important part is he called. And we did go out the night after St. Patrick's Day and then he returned to school in Duluth the next day. But he called again when he got home. And again the next day. And the next for two weeks until we saw each other again.

I've often wondered if the outcome of our lives could have been the same if things had gone differently that night. If we hadn't crossed paths then, maybe we would have at a mutual friend's party down the road. But when would that have actually been? If he hadn't gotten my number, he could have tracked it down eventually through friends of friends. But would he have? Or what if his lack of clear recollections from the night before had shot his confidence to call? I don't know if I would call it fate, or just the timing being right, but a series of seemingly in consequent circumstances fell into place to let a relationship take hold.

So yes, Chris remembered that night, and, yes, he typed my number in correctly. And as they say, the rest is history.

Childcare and Women's Equity

When I read in the newspaper that President Obama Obama "pledges to pursue the fight for women's equality," I was proud, yet disappointed (although not surprised) that affordable, quality and accessible childcare was not part of the proposed solution. His commitment to eliminate pay disparities between men and women and help women pursue higher-paying professions once dominated by men is honorable, and he is correct that more women than men live in poverty. But while workplace discrimination based on sex and societal beliefs about gender norms (i.e., girls don't like math) surely have an effect on what professions women pursue and what is considered fair pay for their work, I am going to argue that for women who decide to have children, the cost and availability of childcare have a bigger impact on their professional opportunities and financial security.

Workers without children have more freedom in budget and time to accept a meaningful job, even if the pay is lower, round out their skills with volunteer or unpaid work, or go back to school. When childcare is so expensive, (in the Twin Cities, infant care in a center costs at least $12,000 annually - that's out of your take-home pay after taxes, retirement savings, health care accountant contributions, etc. have been taken out) members of our workforce who become parents are forced to make decisions about childcare that could affect their career potential (not to mention family life and costs to society). One parent stays home or switches to part-time. (Usually the lower wage-earner, which is often the woman.) Parents work opposite shifts to avoid daycare costs at the sacrifice of family life. Someone switches to more flexible free-lance work, but sacrifices job security, health benefits and a retirement savings. Or they cobble together a network of caregivers and take time off work every time a caregiver is unavailable. Even though I believe that most moms and dads nowadays approach childcare decisions as a team, more women than men still make one of the career sacrifices I just described. Maybe it's because women, on average, still earn less than their partners, (whether because of their career choice or because they married someone older with more years of work experience) or because their careers are considered less demanding (meaning they can be the ones to skip work when a caregiver is absent or more easily opt back into the workforce after an absence).

For those at the lowest end of the wage scale, affording daycare is even more of a struggle, and the career options and advance more limited. How can we expect a parent to go back to school if she (or he) has no one affordable and reliable to look after the children while in class and studying? How can a person accept a job if no daycare is conveniently located with the hours needed (particularly evenings and weekends)? When more women than men are raising children alone and more women live in poverty, lack of affordable, quality and accessible childcare becomes an issue of women's equality.

Exploring the Unexpected Costs of Kids

I like to read the Motherlode blog on the New York Times website. The author writes about a parenting-related subject and asks for reader comments. Last week's subject was about the unexpected cost of children.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/02/unexpected-costs-of-kids/

You can wait to have kids until you're financially ready, reduce household expenses in preparation, open that 529 plan the day the kid is born and educate yourself on what kind of costs you will incur with kids, (most researched likely is the cost of childcare) and well, life is full of financial curve balls. Some of the "out-of-pocket" costs of children are truly unpredictable, (medical costs) others are the result of inexperience or unreastic expectations. (Did I really think I'd find all my kid's clothing needs at garage sales?)

The following is a list of some of the unexecpted costs Chris and I encountered.

Utility Costs
Chris did predict that if I'm home with the baby we'd be spending more to cool or heat the house during the day, run appliances and light the house. We've never actually calculated how much more electricity we use, but use more, spend more.

What we didn't think about was the increased costs of heating the house at night. This winter we resumed turning the thermostat down at night, but last winter for fear of letting our newborn die of hypothermia in his own crib, the thermostat stayed at the same temperature day and night.

Clothing
Like most expectant parents, we received many clothes as gifts and I diligently rounded out the wardrobe of our future baby by shopping at consignment and garage sales. Our baby was cheaply clothed until he outgrew the 6-9-month size and I discovered I had NOTHING in bigger sizes for cold weather. It was late winter and my bargaining shopping options weren't going to start up again until spring. So I bought new clothes and tried to make myself feel better about the purchases because they were on sale. And since then, I've found myself making large-batch purchases for my son about four times a year. Then there are the winter jackets, snow boots, mittens, rain boots, new shoes and other more expensive wardrobe purchases. Of course I knew we would need to spend money to clothe our child, but I never thought about how many clothes he would need, how often and at what cost. And while I'm clearly not above garage sale clothes, I do have standards and won't dress Oliver in just anything. I've discovered I have styles for him I like and will pay more for clothes I think he looks cute in.

Toys and Books
Okay, so toys and books fall into the non-essentials category, but realistically, your kids need things (aside from you) to entertain them. And although child experts remind parents that you don't need expensive toys, or even conventional toys, because boxes, wooden spoons and tupperware containers are plenty, let's admit that toys are fun. Most of Oliver's toys are second-hand or gifts, but books take a beating, so the options for second-hand books of good quality have been limited. Second-hand or not, I find it difficult to resist surprising Oliver with something I think he'll enjoy.

Activities
I was convinced that fun could be had for free and that kids, especially babies, don't need expensive activities. I do seek out the free activities - we go to story times, tot time at the local rec center and loads of playdates through my moms group - but that's really it when it comes to free, especially in the winter. So I gave up the has-to-be-free-or-we're-not-doing-it. Our early childhood education classes are heavily subsidized, but not free, and we've gotten bang for our buck with the children's museum membership, but there's still an upfront cost.

Another frugally-minded friend said that while she also believes that activities and fun don't need to be expensive, she realized that creating experiences and memories for your children sometimes do cost money. If your kid is interested in sports, you at least want him to play in a city rec league, even if you can't afford the travel team.

Food
How much can a little baby eat? A lot. Although we never bought jars of expensive organic baby food because we did baby-led weaning, our grocery bill surely went up when Oliver started solids at six months. I didn't want to give my baby junk, so more fruits, vegetables and high-quality bread were added to our grocery cart. Before Oliver became a grazer around a year of age, he could plow through two pieces of toast at a sitting and ate an average of three pieces of fruit a day. Good portions of his meals ended up mashed to pieces or on the floor as he learned to handle food, but now that he's in his picky phase, he turns his nose up at more food than he'll willingly dig into. Either way, a lot of food is wasted.

Medical Expenses
We were prepared to pay more when we had to upgrade to the family medical insurance plan after the baby was born, and we factored the higher insurance premiums into our new budget. Luckily, preventative care is free, so we don't pay anything, even a co-pay for any of Oliver's wellness check-ups or the accompanying vaccinations. However, we never thought about how much we'd pay for doctor's visits for all the minor illnesses even healthy babies inevitably catch. We had crunched the numbers before Oliver arrived and determined that the health savings account plan, with its low monthly premiums and employer contribution, but high deductible and out-of-pocket expenses, was still the most affordable. But it still stings to get an $88 bill for the follow-up visit to the $150 ear infection visit, which didn't include the $30 antibiotic prescribed after the $8 antibiotic didn't work. Oliver's case of croup in early February resulted in five bills: $425 for the emergency room care, $34 for the x-rays, $1,512 for the hospital stay, $150 for the pediatrician who discharged him from the hospital and $94 for the follow-up a few days later with his regular pediatrician.

Unplanned-for or Unnecessary Baby Gear
You did all the research before the baby arrived and think you have exactly what you need. You're proud of yourself because your planning meant that each item was well-researched and purchased at the best price. Then your kid hates the swing everyone else said lulled their babies to sleep or being strapped into the $120 Ergo people like me rave about. Or you have to buy a second pack 'n' play because your 20th-in-percentile-height kid outgrew seemingly overnight the one you bought before his birth, when you didn't know that pack 'n' plays don't come in a standard size, so you inadvertently bought the smaller one. Or you find yourself at Target last-minute buying a $35 name-brand ear thermometer, (of course the store-brand one is out of stock) because you can't stand the thought of another night of middle-of-the-night temperature checks with the rectal thermometer that at $8 had served you well until now. You can't predict how many bottles, sippy cups and bibs you'll buy until you find the brands that work for your kid. Or what gear it makes sense to pay for higher quality and where you can cheap out.

Traveling as a Family of Three

I wasn't going to be slowed down by kids. Heck, I was even still going to be hip while keeping up the pace! (Ignoring the fact that before Oliver, I was not hip.) In my opinion, it was simply mind over matter whether having children affects life as you know it pre-kids - your social life, your job, your hobbies, your fitness level, your style and for me, your desire to travel, see new places and reconnect with old friends. You just carve out time in your day to style your hair, you throw the baby in the stroller and off you go on your daily run, and why would you not want to show your kids the world while they can still fly for free on your lap? Since the space needed to address my previous naivete and now, post-kid reality, would require a separate blog post for each of these subjects, I'll start with how having a baby has affected how I travel.

While doing some research on flying and traveling with kids in preparation for our spring break trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico, I came across articles written by parents who've bus-tripped down through Mexico with a toddler or backpacked in the Balkans with a five-month-old. I appreciated their positive attitudes and encouragement about traveling with little ones, their tips and their first-hand proof that some people can and will continue to travel after they have kids. (And will travel more adventurously than I had even pre-kids.) But I want to be the realistic voice to expectant parents that how you will travel will change. No, your adventurous life won't be over just because you have kids, and you won't need to forgo traveling until the kids are grown, but traveling will be different.

The most overlooked impediment to traveling might not be the baby itself, but the cost. Oliver can fly for free until age two, but after that, we'll need to buy him a ticket at adult price. Add a second kid and the flight costs for your family vacation automatically double. Hence, I took quite a few trips on an airplane when I was really young, even to Paris when I was a year and a half old. By the time I turned two, my mom was pregnant with my brother and we never flew on a vacation again until late in elementary school when my mom, in a complete reverse of character, flew us to Disney World.

The cost of airline tickets aside, there are other costs associated with adding another human being to your traveling party, even if he only weights 12 pounds. We've rented cars for trips we previously wouldn't have rented a car, or rented a bigger, more expensive car to accommodate the stroller, the extra suitcase and a passenger space taken up by a car seat. We pay baggage fees since Oliver's stuff and ours would never fit in two carry-ons. We've invested in new gear, like a lightweight stroller or new baby carrier. Forever one to pack my own meals (and then extra provisions in case of delays) while traveling to avoid the unhealthy, overprice airport options, sometimes the baby's carry-on gear and the baby himself have left me buying lunch at the airport because I ran out of room to pack my own. As Oliver grew and his sleep schedule solidified, we made another financial decision that was the tipping point between paying more or not traveling at all and that was to spring for a one- or two-bedroom accommodation over a hotel room that we'd find ourselves sitting quietly in in the dark after Oliver's 6:30 p.m. bedtime.

Even if you had the room in your fairly-predictable pre-kid budget for travel, kids result in a lot of expenses on a daily or annual basis. Parents may reduce their hours to meet family demands, or a parent forgoes an income to stay home, and suddenly even frugal-minded parents find the expenses for food, clothing, doctor's visits, (especially if you have a health "savings" account plan) the fee for a class here or the family museum membership there, adding up. Even if you realize you still have the money leftover for travel, or can figure out how to budget for travel, I don't fault couples for holding off on discretionary big-ticket spending until they get a better handle on their new post-baby budget.

Even if it's decided that we can afford a vacation, we do a cost-benefit analysis on some level for any proposed trip. Sure, everyone does this. A friend found a "cheap" ticket to Germany and debated on Facebook whether it was worth it to go for a four-day weekend. After many sounded in with a flat "No!" she agreed that after such a long trip and then recovering from jet lag, she would barely have any time left to do much, so it wasn't worth the expense.

So I find myself doing rough mental calculations about the increased cost - financially, mentally and physically - of traveling a long distance with a toddler, renting the car, paying extra for accommodations, preparing and packing, etc. Chris would love to go on a ski vacation, but given that someone would have to stay behind each day with Oliver, it's not worth the money and trouble to fly to Colorado for one of us to sit in the lodge half the time. So really any vacation that focuses on sports or active adventures are out, for a few years at least. Weekend trips are also mostly out too, even to Philadelphia to visit family, which is a direct, two-and-a-half hour flight, since Oliver wears himself out from any length of trip and needs a day on either end to recover. Instead we choose destinations that we can still enjoy even at a slower pace, and that we enjoy for our own sakes. I'll factor in "showing Oliver the world" when he'll remember the trip.

When choosing your destination with your kids' needs in mind and making modifications to your daily itinerary, of course traveling is still possible, and even fun and relaxing. Oliver forces us to slow down and not try to pack too much into a day, even if that means not seeing everything we wanted to see. I have happy memories from the couple of trips we've taken with him and haven't felt like we missed out because we skipped a museum or a sight. After a couple of busy touristy days in Seattle, we decided to give Oliver a day to just be a baby and hung out in our rented apartment and then took a walk down the street to a gorgeous park where Oliver got to crawl in the grass instead of be strapped into his stroller. We never experienced any of Seattle's nightlife, even though we stayed in a neighborhood known for it, and rarely ate out. But our apartment was homey, the grocery store to stock up on the necessities for a home-cooked meal was three blocks away and by not staying out late, we always woke up rested.

I do still dream of traveling without kids. Of moving through the airport unencumbered, traveling with nothing but a carry-on. Of reading, listening to my ipod or doing my Sudoku on the flight - without entertaining someone traveling on my lap. Of arriving in New York City, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington D.C., or even Shreveport, Louisiana, and if you'll really let me dream, Berlin, southern Germany, Vienna or Copenhagen, to see old friends. Of staying out past 6:30 p.m. and sleeping in past 6:30 a.m. Of eating in nice restaurants and not having to apologize to the server for crumbs on the floor. Of sightseeing without regard to nap time. As often as my parents vacationed with my brother and me, now I know why we were sometimes left us with the grandparents.

Teaching Young Kids About Sexuality

I joined a new early childhood education class mid-year after the topics for the semester had been chosen by the class, so I was happy to see "sexuality" already on the syllabus. I believe whole-heartily that sex education can and should begin young, but even this liberal, women's studies majoring, doesn't-want-sexuality-to-be-taboo mom will admit the topic can make me uncomfortable and unsure of where to start.

The community health educator from the Family Tree Clinic in St. Paul started by posing a question to the class: How did we first learn about sex from our parents and what values did they convey? The results were as one would expect - we had minimal to no guidance. Some talked about finding books on top bookshelves that they'd gawk over and laugh about with friends out of sight of parents, or the question of where do babies come from was answered with "You ask God for a baby, God places it in your stomach and then it comes out of your stomach." (Yeah, close mom. She got a pass with that last explanation since I happened to be born c-section.) A dad in our class told of his only "talk" from his own father was that "it" should be treated like a loaded gun - you have to be careful where it goes off. In my last early childhood education class, we were taught that unless you think about how you want to parent and discipline, you'll fall back on the only example you have, the parenting styles of your own parents. Do you think talking about sexuality would be any different?

What form does "sex education" take for the really young ones?  The topic for kids ages birth to five is really about sexuality the educator stressed. Young babies are discovering their different body parts and toddlers start to become aware of gender and the physical differences between girls and boys. They're learning vocabulary. They're learning about privacy, boundaries and feelings. They, or their friends, are welcoming new brothers and sisters and they suddenly have questions about babies. By the time the educator finished listing all of our suggestions of topics having to do with sexuality and young children, the list was quite long and they were all aspects parents have a direct influence on.

We discussed how to introduce the subject of sexuality and what challenges or opportunities will arise. We learned that developing a healthy sense of self in our kids can start simply by using the anatomically correct terms for all body parts and actually teaching all body parts. (For one woman in my class, there's the extra step in reminding her mother-in-law that she and her husband are not telling their boys their penises are called "front butt butts.") We learned that setting boundaries and expectations on matters related to safety or social interaction can apply to sexuality too.  So telling your daughter she has to wear underwear with her dress when she leaves the house or that your son has to put clothes on before guests come over (if you're comfortable enough with nudity that you're letting your son go naked in the house in the first place) isn't inhibiting their sexuality or free spirit - you are simply teaching them boundaries and respecting the feelings and comfort levels of others. We can teach values without shaming kids or making a topic taboo. We will answer questions. We've learned that there's a greater chance of us parents telling our kids too little, too late, than too much too early and whatever they don't comprehend will be filtered out by their own brains. That kids who who are "scarred" by learning the birds and the bees actually learned too little too late. That there's nothing inappropriate about talking about sex and bodies when it's not eroticized (a book with pictures of human bodies = appropriate, pornography = clearly inappropriate). That these conversations with your kids happen in snippets of conversation over time, so you're never actually having "the talk." That sometimes it does take practice answering their questions or addressing situations without showing disgust or shock (You agreed to show him yours if he showed you his?!?!). That if you didn't like how you answered a question, you'll have an opportunity to bring it up again. Because kids will ask again. If they feel like they can. Otherwise, there's the playground, school bus or a goldmine of misinformation unavailable to us as curious kids, the Internet.

We were asked to list two or three values we hope to pass on to our kids. For me that was sexuality isn't shameful, respect for their bodies/values/beliefs and those of others, and that homosexual, heterosexual or somewhere in between, they're loved and respected for who they are.

Near the end of the class, the educator happened to say something that shifted my thinking about teaching sexuality to young kids not as the right thing to do, but the safe thing to do. She commented how kids who grow up with a comfortable sense of their sexuality are less likely to be sexually victimized as kids, will enter the dating scene as teenagers more likely to recognize an uncomfortable situation and will emerge as adults more likely to speak up to their partners when something isn't working out with their physical relationship. On many of our lists when asked at the beginning of class about sexuality and children, was safety. And most weren't worrying about just "good touch, bad touch" or "stranger danger," but were thinking farther down the road about peer pressure, sexual violence, sexting, pregnancy and STDs. So while parents of kids under five are a group most over-looked in prioritization of who needs to be talking about sex education, the presenter made it clear what an important topic this is, especially for this age.