What I've Learned About Adoption (So Far)

We're only part-way through the adoption process and nowhere near being matched with a child and yet what I've learned has vastly changed how I think about adoption.  As with parenting in general, the reality is different than what I had previously imagined. It's been a humbling ride so far and when I think back six months ago, all I think is how naïve I was. 

One of the reasons I'm writing about the adoption process is that I hope that others with an interest in adoption can learn from our experiences.  As sobering as the reality is, I feel empowered by what I've learned.  When I first learned about the challenges kids and families in adoption face, I panicked and wondered what we had gotten ourselves into.  But the feeling of panic turned to increased passion for adoption.   

Birth Order
The concept of birth order was a concept I first heard about when I filled out a pre-application form with the adoption agency.  I was surprised to read that the adopted child had to be at least 12 months younger than the youngest child in the home.  I had already learned that it is nearly unheard of to adopt an infant internationally, and now this birth order rule meant that there were no children we'd be eligible to adopt given how young Soren was.

The more I researched about maintaining birth order in adoption, the more I understood why it's considered  best practice.  Adopted children, especially those raised in orphanages, come from hard places.  They need a chance to be the baby and have as much attention as possible, just like any newborn.  Children raised in orphanages are going to arrive with developmental delays.  It's not a great situation to have a child who's chronologically a six-year-old, but developmentally a four-year-old "looking up" to a two-year-old.  It's also a dangerous situation if that child, who may have experienced physical or sexual abuse, deals with this trauma in a violent way. 

We ended up contracting with our current agency because, while they also think it is a best practice to place children in homes where the new child will be at least 12 months younger than the next oldest child, they acknowledge that the length of the adoption process means that Soren at that point will be 12 months older than children eligible for adoption.  So on we proceed, but still committed to preserving the birth order of our children. 

Trauma
Kids who've been adopted have suffered trauma on some level. I used to think that trauma meant you had been abused, but I didn't understand the long-lasting effect neglect, lack of stimulation, attention, lack of attachment can have on a child's emotional, psychological and physical development.  A child adopted at a young age may not remember her early life and the fact that no one rocked, shushed and comforted her when she cried, or that no one played silly games of peekaboo with her, talked to her or sang to her.  She hopefully doesn't remember not getting enough food or having to compete for attention.  But earlier experiences do shape a person, especially when they happen during such formative years, and children take those experiences with them even if they don't "remember."

Despite what our child will or won't be able to remember years after being adopted, at the time of their adoption, they're forced to process a hard past while adjusting to being with unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar place, eating unfamiliar food and being spoken to in an unfamiliar language.   No matter how young they were when they were adopted, it takes time to learn what it means to have parents who will love and protect them or to have all the food they need .

It isn't all smiles on "Gotcha Day"
I read a lot of adoption blogs.  Mostly about international adoption and many specifically about adoption from China.  I'm especially interested in reading about their trips to pick up their children and "Gotcha Day," the day adoptive parents are united with their children.  Before I embarked on the adoption journey, I imagined the day children are united with their new parents as a happy sort of homecoming.  However, there's a theme I noticed in the Gotcha Day photos - the child is never happy.  He or she is usually crying or screaming.  At best, he or she looks shell-shocked. 

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it never occurred to me that the day we meet our new child might be one of the worst days of his life.  He'll have no idea he's getting a new mom, dad and two older brothers who will love him and take care of him.  As a toddler, he'll be way too young to comprehend what's going on.  All he'll know is that he's in the arms of someone he DOES NOT know.  I remember what Oliver and Soren were like as babies and young toddlers.  If you tried to hand them to anyone, even for a second, they would SCREAM.  It was exacerbating.  It's not like I was leaving them.  Now it breaks my heart to think my future child will feel that same terror and desperation.  Except his nanny really is leaving him in the hands of two strangers.   

Adopting older children isn't easier
When we say we're adopting a toddler, sometimes we hear that we're lucky we'll be skipping the up-all-night, needy newborn stage.  Heck, Chris and I believed that too.  Oh how wrong we're learning that assumption is.  We may not be up multiple times a night feeding a baby, (and I obviously won't be dealing with breastfeeding) but we could be contending with a toddler whose fears, grief and anxiety shine brightest in the middle of the night.  We'll have a child whose sleep routine in our little house in Minnesota is much different than it had been on the other side of the world.  We've been trained not to expect to put our new child to bed on his first night, or 100th night, and expect him to sleep like our older kids had at his age. 

That's just the issue of sleep.  The things I'm appreciating about a newborn (that due to lack of perspective, I didn't appreciate when Oliver was born) is that you can get to know them gradually.  They don't need much in the beginning - just milk, sleep, diaper changes and someone to cuddle them.  They can't go anywhere, it doesn't matter that they don't understand you and they don't have many interests beyond staring at ceiling fans. 

Now imagine if you were handed a two-year-old.  He has his own interests and personality, but you have no idea what they are.  He doesn't speak your language and like any two-year-old, he's going to have energy he needs to expend.  He'll be able to get into things and will want to run and play.  I imagine that my maternity leave with an adopted toddler is going to be a lot more engaging than with a newborn, but it's also going to be a lot more challenging - and exhausting!   

As excited as I am to adopt a toddler, I'm still sad we'll never have another newborn.  Yes, we're skipping the tough and mundane parts that come with the territory with newborns, but all the things I loved about my kids when they were babies, I won't have with our next child.  I grieve those lost experiences.

I also grieve that lost time with my own child.  We'll never know what our third child was like as a newborn or even a young toddler.  We will be able to tell him very little about the beginning of his life and we will most likely know nothing about his birth family.  I look at Soren and think about all the memories I have of his life so far and what I will be able to share with him.  So much has happened in his short life!  It's hard to imagine not knowing anything about the beginning of my own child's life.

International adoption has changed
I'm sure I have friends and acquaintance who wonder why the adoption process is going to take so long for Chris and me.  Or why we think the process is hard.  Or they're suspicious of my explanation that infant adoption is virtually unheard of anymore in international adoption.  They'll bring up second-hand stories of a neighbor's friend's granddaughter who was adopted from another country as an infant as proof to the contrary.  Then I ask when the adoption took place and they say ten years ago, or maybe even early as seven or eight years ago. 

International adoption has changed.  In addition to the more stringent requirements and processes that just take longer to complete as a prospective adoptive parent, countries with adoption programs have changed who is eligible for adoption.  Children have to be legally documented orphans and often must be available for adoption domestically before being eligible for international adoption.  Bureaucratic red tape means that even when you are matched with a child, it may be six months (or longer) before you travel to bring him or her home.  You could be matched with a baby, but will be bringing home a walking (and maybe talking) toddler. 

"Just adopt" doesn't exist
The solution for everything from infertility to not wanting to deal with the unpleasantness of child-bearing is to "just adopt". You hear about the thousands of children in our foster care system and the millions of orphans around the world and there's this belief that you have your pick of children if you decide to adopt. 

Anyone who utters those words doesn't know anything about adoption.  The process can be long, frustrating, unpredictable, heart-breaking, intrusive and expensive.  Countries close their adoption programs due to politics or scandal or add new eligibility restrictions, a birth parent might not pick you or decide to parent or a foster child could go back to his or her biological family.  The financial cost is real as social workers and lawyers need to be paid, paperwork processed and orphanages supported.  You're forced to plan for an unknown wait and open up your lives to social workers, doctors and government officials.  There is nothing easy about adoption.  You have to really want it.