When Your Heart is Still in China

A fellow adoptive mama recently posted in one of my adoption Facebook groups about how she thinks all the time about going back to China.  The desire to go back sticks with her even during the lowest of lows of parenting a child whose background includes trauma, even though she and her husband are not getting any younger, even while they struggle to regain their footing financially, even with their hands full being the best parents they can be to the children they have and even though she knows that for all of these reasons, they probably won't go back.

My heart is broken along with hers.  Every last word of her confession could have been written by me.  Chris and I went to China knowing that we would be completing our family.  Yet it's so hard seeing how many children still need families and I came home questioning whether we were truly done.  So I dream about going back even though we absolutely cannot adopt again anytime soon, if ever.  I can't stop looking at the advocacy boards on Facebook and imagining the children staring back at me in the pictures blending into our family, even though in reality we have no room left in our house.  We're still catching up financially and adjusting to the expenses that come with having four children. We're two parents being pulled at times in too many directions trying to meet all our children's needs. 

I understand the reality for our family, but I may still never stop dreaming of China. And that's okay even if it hurts a little.  Adoptive families will tell you, "China changes you."  I guess it was inevitable that coming home from China did not mark the end of our family's story.