Pre-K

My "twins" started Pre-K today.  Don't they look so ready and full of promise?

We opted to send Kiera and Soren to Pre-K at the school down the street from our house to not only take advantage of free tuition, but also the routine of going five afternoons a week and extra support and services for Kiera.  There are 20 students in the class and four teachers, one of whom is an early childhood special education teacher. A speech therapist working exclusively at the school will provide Kiera's speech services in the classroom. 

I came home at lunchtime so I could walk with them to their first day of school.  Soren told me he was both nervous and excited.

The students and their parents gathered outside, but when the teachers asked the kids to line up, Soren started to cry. Just as it is for his older brother, new places and new people are tough for Soren. As I comforted him, I was surprised at how teary-eyed I became, even though I knew that with time, Soren is going to love school. He settled down, and when the line of children started to file into the building, he sought out comfort from his sister by grasping her hand and walked semi-confidently side-by-side with her into the building.

Despite a couple of emotional moments during the rest of his afternoon at preschool, Soren gave the experience a thumbs up. He reported that he probably won't cry tomorrow, or maybe just a little.

Kiera was also excited to start Pre-K and if she was nervous, she didn't show it. She generally goes with the flow in new situations. Her teacher reported that she didn't communicate more than with some nodding of her head, which I wasn't surprised by given it's a new environment, but she was otherwise engaged in the activities and happy to be there.  When I asked her what she did at school, the most I got out of her was "played".

From these quiet and nervous beginnings, I can't wait to see what this year as in store for Kiera and Soren.

Goodbye Kindergarten!

It wasn't that long ago that Chris and I returned from the hospital with a brand new baby and no freakin' clue what we were doing.  With nurses no longer attending to us, it took both of us (and a little bit of arguing between us) to figure out how to even feed him. From that awkward start, I find it hard to believe that our little baby completed kindergarten today.

I saw Oliver grow up a lot this year.  He went from being nervous about school and only liking it to truly loving it. He devours chapter books as fast as someone will read them to him, he discovered a love of drawing and his handwriting improved so much that had printed his name on a piece of his artwork and I assumed an adult had written it. He made friends on his own and developed such an attachment to his classmates that he told Chris he wishes he could be with the same 24 kids through college. 

Oliver received the "Sports Star of the Year" award from his gym teacher, who told me that Oliver displayed a good attitude each class, showed good sportsmanship and was always willing to try a new sport or activity.

It was not only a year of grow for Oliver, but also for Chris and me as parents.  As a friend with a first grader in the school told me, it takes nearly the whole year for parents to figure out how "to do kindergarten" and he promised me that next year will feel less chaotic. Grade school is a lot busier than preschool and it was an adjustment to keep on all the field trips, supplies needed and events to attend. There were times I felt like I was one step behind what was going on even though Oliver's teacher kindly sent out a detailed e-mail every week to keep us parents in the loop.  We also had to learn when to let go of things we weren't completely satisfied with and when to step in and advocate for Oliver. 

Some of the favorite parts of the year for Chris were the times he was able to pick Oliver up from school because Oliver hopped in the car pumped to tell his dad everything he had done that day and excitement radiated from him. My favorite part came near the end of the school year when I had a conversation with Oliver in German. It was a very simple one about what he did that day and an upcoming trip to the cabin, yet it was truly amazing.  Oliver can't read yet and wasn't formally taught German, yet he could have a conversation with me. Since I didn't marry a German, I never imagined I would have a child who would learn how to speak the language. 

Earlier this week the entire family attended an end-of-the-year program in Oliver's kindergarten classroom.  The kids sang us songs (in German of course) and each child received the gift of a book. Then we watched a slideshow of pictures from the school year, and as I watched the pictures of events I wasn't present for flash up on the screen and the children laughed and reminisced with each other, it was more apparent than ever that Oliver has entered the next part of his life where he's making his own memories separate from Chris and me.  

Each child received a book that reminded the teacher of him or her. Oliver received the Bremen Town Musicians, a famous German fairy tale, in honor of our au pair Celina.

In her last final remarks to her students and their families, Oliver's teacher broke down in tears talking about what a wonderful class she had this year and about much she learned from them about how to be good people. She spoke of her confidence that they will achieve great things in first grade and in all the years to follow.

First Parent/Teacher Conference

Chris and I loved school when we were growing up, so we're  unashamed to admit that we were giddy with excitement about attending our first parent/teacher conference.  For really the first time in Oliver's life, we have no idea what happens between 8:15 a.m. and 3:15 p.m. We know what the Oliver at home is like, but what kind of kid is Oliver at school?

We seated ourselves across from Oliver's kindergarten teacher at the kid-sized tables and listened to her describe our little boy as kind, helpful, smart and mature.  She described how he lends a helping hand to his classmates who are struggling and how well he relates with adults.  He doesn't particularly have a buddy he latches onto because he gets along with everyone in the class.  She complimented his artwork and assured us that he is on track academically.  And if that weren't enough, she told us we must be doing something right at home and told us to keep up the good work.  Chris and I glanced at each other and I couldn't contain my laughter.  If only I had a better poker face, I could have let Oliver's teacher believe what she sees at school is what we see at home.  

We also had the opportunity to meet with Oliver's visual arts teacher and performing arts teacher. After they described what they're working on with the students this year, I joked that I could probably benefit from their classes.  It's impressive the curriculum they're undertaking with five- and six-year-olds, and as someone with very little background in art and music, I'm thankful visual and performing arts are part of the curriculum. 

I left the conferences feeling incredibly proud of Oliver, but also reassured that Chris and I are going to make it through kindergarten too.

Oliver is Off to Kindergarten

It's a new era for our family.  As of today, we officially have a school-age child.  Sending any child off to kindergarten is a big deal, but being that we were a family with four non-school-age children, it's kind of a relief to send one child off to school.  I know I'm very much in the minority when I answer with an honest no to everyone who's asked me if I'm sad about Oliver starting kindergarten.  With his fall birthday making him older for his grade, he's more than ready for something more challenging. 

We had applied to both our neighborhood school and the Twin Cities German Immersion School (TCGIS) and were very lucky to get spots in both schools.  The day after we got home from China, we received the call from TCGIS that Oliver has gotten a spot in the lottery, and even though the school was our top choice and I should have been jumping with joy, the best I could do in my jet-lagged state was politely thank them for the call. I had no idea how lucky we had really been.  A friend with an older child at TCGIS informed me that 110 children were wait-listed and that this might be the first time in the school's history that some children never make it off the waitlist.

So off to German school Oliver was headed.  Our first morning was pretty hectic as we prepared for seven of us to get out the door in the morning.  Chris and I arranged to take the morning off of work so we could take Oliver to school, and of course Celina and the rest of the kids had to come too.

Our au pair made Oliver's first day of German school special by making him a Schultuete, which all German children receive on their first day of school.  (They receive theirs in first grade since kindergarten is part of preschool in Germany and first grade is considered the start of official schooling.) The cones are filled with school supplies and lots of chocolates and candies.  As a special treat, Oliver's Schultuete included some German chocolate Celina had brought from home for this purpose. 

Once we got to school, we found our way to the wing of the building with the kindergarten and first grade classrooms.  It was already hot and humid, even so early in the morning, and it was even more stifling in a hallway packed with anxious parents and anxious children.  We found Oliver's locker and then walked him into his classroom to meet his new teacher. 

I was thrilled when I found out that Oliver would be in Frau Suter's class because his teacher and I actually go way back.  We met when we were counselors at the Concordia Language Villages, when I knew her as Uschi, her German camp name, and we not only taught together, but were even co-counselors in the same cabin. I really admired her for how well she spoke German and her ability to connect with our campers.  We lost touch over the years and I had no idea she became a teacher, let alone at TCGIS.  The four summers I taught at Waldsee seem like a lifetime ago since I was single and childless then, so it's both surreal and awesome to have Uschi, I mean, Frau Suter, end up being my child's kindergarten teacher. 

We knew Oliver was nervous, but he held it together until it was time for us to leave and then the tears started.  My friend's daughter, who is in first grade, tried comforting him by telling him that she was sad last year too when her parents had to leave, "but the rest of the day was pretty awesome."  With that ringing endorsement of kindergarten, I decided it was a good time to give my final kisses goodbye and assure Oliver that he would be okay.  As much as I had not been sad about Oliver starting kindergarten, I was suddenly on the verge of tears, especially has my crying boy thrust both palms in my face to receive two "kissing hands".  We had read The Kissing Hand the night before about a little racoon whose mom kisses one of his hands so he could take her love with him when he went to school.  Oliver had informed me last night that he was going to ask me to kiss both hands so he wouldn't have to worry about forgetting which hand contained my kiss. 

When Oliver hopped off the bus this afternoon, I was relieved that he was in good spirits.  As one can expect from a five-year-old, we didn't get a whole lot out of him about what he thought of his first day.  Everyone was nice, but he couldn't remember anyone's names.  They sang a "hello" song, but he couldn't remember the words.  He learned the German word Tschuess, which means goodbye.  He kind of liked lunch, and rattled off everything that came in the school's hot lunch today, but then later begged me for a cool lunchbox so he could pack his own lunch.  The drama teacher walked them out to the bus and the older kids aren't as good at listening as the younger kids because his teacher asked them to move out of the way in the hallway and she had to ask them three times.  Despite the vague report from his day, I think it overall went well. 

Saying Goodbye to ECFE

We attended what was likely our family's last night of Minnesota's statewide program, Early Childhood and Family Eduction (ECFE), an education program for families with children from birth to age five.  We have participated since Oliver was four weeks old, at which point I could do nothing more than sit quietly while we talked about choosing a kindergarten and mentally filed away notes for a stage in my life that seemed so far away.  And now I've arrived. 

I've been doing this for nearly six years.  Semester after semester, I've attended without hiatus.  I started in a birth-to-five class at Monroe down the street from our house, then moved to a baby class at another site, Randolph Heights, but when that closed at the end of the semester, I chose yet another site, Rondo, the following fall. With no evening age-specific classes at Rondo for Oliver's age group in the spring, I decided to go back to Monroe and attend an evening birth-to-five class.  I joined a birth-to-three daytime class in the fall, but when I got a new job, I transferred back into my old Monday night evening class. And that's where we stayed.

Every Monday night for almost four years, in rain or snow, sunshine or darkness, depending upon the season, we gulped down dinner and headed down the street to the school where the teachers greeted my children with enthusiastic hellos.  I've carried my kids in the Ergo, pushed them in a stroller, let them ride their tricycles and even pulled them in a sled one snowy evening. For almost four years we've been with this class, with these teachers and with many of the same families.  They've watched us add children to our family and then watched those children grow up.  One teacher has known Oliver since he was four weeks old. 

When we started ECFE, our street had only one other baby and few people at our site lived in the immediate neighborhood.  As the neighborhood goes through transition, it's filling up with children, including two due late this summer.  Half our class is now within walking distance of the school.  I feel like it is time to make room for another family starting their journey.  I'm sad to say goodbye, but I know ECFE has served its purpose.  I leave a better parent and better connected to my community. I'm thankful for the learning environment the program provided for my children and for the friends I have made.  My only regret is that Kiera and Matteo experienced only a couple of months of a program they were blossoming in. 

Starting Preschool

Against all advice of professionals in the adoption world, we started Kiera in preschool.  When kids are adopted, it's recommended you keep their worlds small by staying home as much as possible and limiting the adult caregivers in their lives to foster attachment with mom and dad.  For kids who've had multiple caregivers in their lives and multiple transitions, they need time to learn that we are mom and dad and that they can trust us to meet their physical and emotional needs.  Kiera has been slower to form a strong attachment to us, which is why the doctors, social worker and therapist we talked to about this advised to keep her home longer.

I go back to work next week and that fact further complicated the decision of whether to enroll Kiera after barely eight weeks home. If I weren't going back to work, it made more sense to continue the bonding process by keeping her with me.  After struggling for awhile with a decision, I finally came to the conclusion that the added benefits of keeping her home with our au pair were minimal in comparison to the benefits of preschool.  Attachment is super important, but it was the only factor being considered by professionals when I asked whether and when Kiera could attend preschool.  Never were other benefits weighed, such as improving her speech, interacting with peers or just plain old having fun.

Preschool is only two mornings a week for a total of five hours.  Those are five hours that are more language rich and stimulating than what Kiera would be doing at home. Our au pair doesn't often have time to do anything particularly exciting with the kids while Soren is at school, so they spend a quiet morning at home with the kids playing and our au pair doing chores. For a child with a significant language delay, singing, story time, circle time, show-and-tell and pretty much everything else they pack into two and half hours is surely not going to hurt her.

I felt even more comfortable with my decision after meeting with Kiera's teacher.  I talked about what indiscriminate friendliness could look like in the classroom (constantly wanting to be picked up, or instead of playing with the other kids in her class in the rec center gym, wandering off to see what the grandma and grandpa are up to who stopped in to let their grandchild play) and suggested ways to redirect her.  I asked her to contact us if she has any other concerns about Kiera's readiness for preschool.  Her teacher took my concerns seriously and was not phased by the idea of having a student she'd need to work more closely with.  She's known our family for a few years now and honestly seemed thrilled to have a third child from our family in her class. 

Kiera was excited to go to school and knew the routine.  She needed her book bag, water bottle and a dry pair of shoes. 

The first day of many years sharing a classroom with her brother. 

Kiera has accompanied her brothers to preschool often enough that she knew exactly what to do.  She hung her book bag next to her brother's and my friend's daughter, who adores Kiera, grabbed her hand and walked her into the classroom.  The sentimental (and slightly crazy) mom I am trailed behind her with my camera.  It was hard to get any decent photographs because she had no interest in posing for the camera and instead just wanted to play with toys.  The only tinge of doubt I had about my decision came when I tried to kiss her goodbye and she turned her head away from me.  Though she will probably do the same thing the day I go back to work. 

After all that fretting, her teacher said she did great.  She followed directions, participated in each activity along with her classmates and had a lot of fun.  She loves music and her teacher told me about how she was trying to sing along to the songs even though she probably had little idea what the lyrics meant.

That afternoon, I thought Kiera was playing in her brothers' room when it became too quiet.  That's usually a bad sign, but when I popped my head into the room to see what she was up to, I found this.

I think she had so much fun at preschool she wore herself out.

Kindergarten Roundup

Among the adoption-related items on my to-do list in preparation for leaving for China, I also have, "submit kindergarten lottery registration".  Since school selections are due around the time we’re planning to come home from China, we toured schools late this fall and will submit our registrations before we leave.  

Deciding on a kindergarten shouldn’t be so difficult. It used to be that if kids went to public school, district boundaries dictated which school they went to.  Parents had no choice really, unless they could afford to move or send their kids to private school.  Not that lack of choice is a good thing, but it does make the deciding part a whole lot easier.  

Instead we live in a district that touts “school choice,” which depending upon the neighborhood you live in and resources available to you, could mean an overwhelming number of choices, or no realistic choice at all. The St. Paul School District has some excellent schools that rival the education found in a top-notch private school, but also schools that are so bad (in my opinion) that we would sell the house we just finished renovating and move before I'll send my kids there.  I'm convinced that sending my kids to certain schools in St. Paul would be more detrimental to my kids' education, safety and well-being than not sending them to school at all.  Thankfully our designated community school is well-respected and everyone we've talked to who sends their kids there love it.  On the other end of spectrum in school quality are my friends who live in neighborhoods not far from my own whose community school has the lowest test scores in the city.  That school is clearly not a realistic choice for their children.  

Regardless of what you think of your community school, there are choices beyond that school (in theory, at least) and that's where choosing a school gets complicated. A few years ago, St. Paul rezoned its school assignments and created a “community school” for every zone of the city. It's trying to get back to neighborhood schools, which I support, except if my neighborhood had a crummy option, I'd gladly drive my kids to school on the other side of the city if I had to. The district also designed schools with special programs or teaching philosophies (International Baccalaureate, language immersion, Montessori, STEM, for example) as regional magnets or city-wide magnets.  Instead of sending your child to your community school, you can opt to send them to a regional magnet (where your children and the other children in that particular region have preference) or one of the city-wide magnets.

The problem is that the few schools in St. Paul considered “good” are over-subscribed with children from within the school boundaries and outside applying for spots.  If the school is designated your community school, your child is very likely to get in, but the district does not guarantee you a spot.   The district technically gives you two choices during the school lottery.  School placement workers counsel parents that if their first and second choices are for “popular” schools, (i.e., ones I consider good schools) and they don’t get into their first-choice school, they're not going to get into the second-choice school either, because all the spots will have been filled by families who picked it as their first choice school and/or by rising kindergartners who have an older sibling already attending the school. That means that you really only have one shot of getting into a good school, and that chance is pretty slim if that school isn't your community school.   

It feels like you have to put all your eggs in one basket.  Do you list the community school outside your zone that has more spots available because it’s a large school, but also where kids in the zone or those with siblings have preference over you, as your first choice, or the regional or city-wide magnet, for which you have equal preference as everyone else, but there are also fewer spots available? Even for us with a good community school option, what if we liked one of the regional or city-wide magnets better?  Do we cross our fingers and hope we get into the school we like better, or play it safe and stick with the community school where we get preference in the lottery?  The college application process of identifying "reach" and "safety" schools had to have been less stressful than deciding how to rank my son's kindergarten registration. 

Then there are charter schools to consider.  In Minnesota, charter schools are tuition-free, independent schools, so many families .  They are also open to all students in the state, so the neighborhood or city you live in doesn't have any bearing on your chances of getting in. Charter schools also hold their own lotteries, so parents can apply to one or more charter schools, as well as the St. Paul School District lottery and hope their child gets into at least one.  

I know it seems silly to stress about deciding on a kindergarten, but I care deeply about my children's educations.  I simply want them to go to a school where they feel safe, where they can develop strong friendships and jump start a lifelong interest in learning.  I want them to love school.  I want them to learn more than their father and I can possibly teach them.   

In the end, we only toured two schools, Expo, our community school, and the Twin Cities German Immersion School, a charter school in St. Paul.  I wanted to see more, including the Chinese immersion magnet school in our district, a regional magnet with an IB program that would have given our kids automatic admission to a better middle school and high school than the ones we're zoned for, and the K-8 arts-focused school down the block from our house.  The the reality is, with my maternity leave looming,  I didn't have time to tour every school I had a passing interest in.  

I liked Expo, but I had hoped to love it like everyone else does.  Instead, I loved the German immersion school, which surprised me.  I'm a little leery of schools that have a special focus, whether that be language immersion, science and technology, the arts, or whatever, because while all those things are great, kids need to learn to read, write and do arithmetic.  I want a school to provide a core academic foundation.  That's what I saw in action at the German school and the language immersion component was simply a bonus. 

We'll rank Expo as our top choice in the St. Paul school lottery and apply to the Twin Cities German Immersion School.  Sometime in late February we'll hear whether Oliver has a spot in one school or the other, or even both. 

I'll Miss My ECFE Classmates

Everyone tells you as a parent that "it goes by quickly."  So, too, does the ECFE year, where we lamented about, well, how our kids are growing up so quickly.  It's too easy to get caught up in whatever the challenge of the week is with your kids and not see how much they've grown.  But oh my gosh, they have and they've achieved some big milestones.  Oliver tackled potty-training and successfully dropped a nap. Soren started the year by crawling and finished by being able to walk with us all the way to school. He experienced various levels of separation anxiety, but during the past few weeks, he'd let me leave without so much as a quiver of the lip and his teachers would report afterward about what a blast he had.   While the kids still don't always treat each other with "kind and consideration" like our house rules call for, I had forgotten, until a classmate reminded me, that at the beginning of the year, I was worried about how vulnerable I felt my once-tiny Soren was in comparison to Oliver who would push him over to get attention. I was at wit's end with how to deal with the situation and spent half a class discussing it.  And like so much else, the problem fell into the category of "this too shall pass."

Now I face an entire summer  with no weekly check-ins.  No opportunity to bounce ideas or frustrations off a group of empathetic ears.  It's difficult to leave a group when I look around the room and realize that I learned something from every single parent sitting at the table.  Whether it was telling a story about their own joys or challenges or brainstorming ideas or providing tips, I am a better parent because of every single one of them. 

One parent commented on the night of our last class how parenting is such a personal journey, yet the experience is so common and mundane.  That's all the more reason 13 families come together every Monday night.  Parenting is a more enjoyable and enlightening journey when taken together.     

Oliver Starts Preschool

I remember reading a Family Circus comic in early September one year, probably when I was still in school myself, where the kids were peering solemnly out the bus's back window and one commented, "I didn't know mom knew how to do a back flip."  Now that I'm back at work and away from home during the day, sending Oliver off to school, even if for just a total of five hours a week, is less about liberation for me and more about giving him the chance to have fun and do something independent of mom and dad for the first time. 

Because of Oliver's fall birthday, we had limited preschool options since the programs for the youngest children require them to be three by September 1.  I respect the need for a cutoff and I wasn't going to try to push him ahead for preschool, but I still felt he was ready for something.  He loved ECFE last year, but that was only one night a week, and he still has five long days worth of finding an outlet for his energy and desire to be around other kids. Luckily, the St. Paul Park and Rec Department not only randomly operates a couple of preschools out of their rec centers, but offers a program for two-and-a-half-year-olds.  The school we picked is highly regarded by other parents we've encountered in the neighborhood and the best part of all, it's affordable at an incredible $100 a month.  That's a third, or even a fourth as much as many other preschools I looked into. 

Chris and I had been talking up preschool in preparation for Oliver's first day.  We got him his first bookbag, a red kid-sized version of the iconic L.L. Bean bookbag, talked to him about the schedule and what he could expect and reminded him that two of his friends would be in the same class.  At breakfast this morning, he seemed content, but I couldn't describe him as being excited.  I headed to work and an hour later the nanny texted me a picture of Oliver standing in front of the rec center building with his giant bookbag on his back. 

I surprised Oliver by picking him up and when I first spotted him as he emerged from his classroom, his lower lip quivered as he scanned the crowd of parents for a familiar face.  When he saw me, he matter-of-factly told me how he was "just a little sad" at the beginning and then told me how he cried.  His teacher overheard our conversation and confirmed that he did become upset when he was dropped off, but that he quickly cheered up and had fun the rest of the morning.  I couldn't get out of him much about his day, but he finally talked about playing with trucks, going to the gym to play with a ball and walking in a line to the gym.  But just like he'll eventually grow into his bookbag, I'm confident he'll grow to love going to preschool. 

ECFE in Minnesota

The final Early Childhood and Family Education (ECFE) class of the school year was Monday night and every seat in the classroom was taken. This was despite the record heat wave and lack of air-conditioning in the building. Like me, no one wanted to miss the last class, even if it meant flushed faces, matted hair and sticky legs against vinyl-upholstered seats.

As I looked around the room at my fellow parents, I realized that I'd learned something from every single one of them, even those I didn't know well at all because their children were older and in a different classroom, or simply because I'd joined the class mid-year. They had either given me parenting advice at one point or another over the months, or had told a story about their own parenting joys and challenges that will stick with me long after our children graduate high school. Only as a long summer loomed in front of me did I realize what a resource I had had every Monday night when I could ask a handful of teachers with backgrounds in child development and a classroom full of fellow parents what to do about random issues, such as tantrums or sleep disturbances.

The Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE) program was created by the Minnesota legislature and is available to all Minnesota families with children between the ages of birth to kindergarten entrance. The program is based on the idea that the family provides a child’s first and most significant learning environment and parents are a child’s first and most important teachers. Thus, the purpose is to provide parenting education to support children's learning and development.

Since the program is offered through Minnesota public schools, families have access to local programs throughout the state, and program fees, which are based on family income, are a bargain even if you pay the highest rate. But what makes Minnesota's program so unique is that accessibility and affordability have created a program that is valued across classes, family structure and national origin. I'm sure I have friends who are parents in other parts of the country who would think a parenting class is something you take because you're mandated to do so by the courts. That stigma doesn't exist here. In fact, in my district, one of the most diverse in the state, there aren't enough classes to meet demand.

I learned about ECFE when I was pregnant with Oliver and started our first class when he was only four weeks old. He didn't do much more than nurse or sleep through class during those first few months. In the spring and following fall we took classes specifically for babies his age, which meant that the babies were all around the same age and developmental abilities and most of us parents were newbies and as clueless as the next. Every milestone was celebrated. Oh my gosh, Even can sit up! Look at Leo crawl! Did Abigail grow a head of hair since just last week?

Our class this last semester was a birth-5 class and included a lot of sibling groups with an age group spanning from babies as young as six months to kids old enough to be entering kindergarten in the fall. The kids were divided into two classrooms by age, so Oliver got to do activities geared towards his developmental abiltities and interests, while the older kids got to do their big kid things in the other classroom. We'd spend the first half an hour playing with the toys and doing the activities the teachers had set up encourage the different development areas, like gross motor, fine motor, literacy, etc.

The big change for both of us this semester was that this was a "separating" class. After a half and hour of parent-child interaction, we left the kids with their teachers and headed for the parent education room, where we had an hour to discuss that week's topic without the interruption of children. With Chris away so much, it was sometimes the only hour in the week I had adults-only time.

Oliver made huge strides with his separation anxiety the past couple of months. Not only was he becoming even more comfortable being left with caregivers, he slowly started letting me leave his sight without melting down. I saw a similar pattern of improvement at ECFE. He was fine the first class, but started crying as we approached the school building for our second class, and his teachers finally had to call me back to his classroom with ten minutes to go. During the third class, I only made it ten minutes into the parent discuss before having to go back to Oliver. But since then, despite some emotional highs and lows, (a fall down a slide sent him into a crying jag, or bad nap that day left him exhausted and easily to cry by the time our 6:00 p.m. class started) his teachers said he was doing great. I knew things were looking up when Chris took Oliver for a walk on a Sunday afternoon and Oliver lead him right to the ECFE entrance (the school happens to be down the street from our house) and then cried when he couldn't get in!

I hope to get us into a morning birth-5 class in the fall so I can take the same class with Oliver and his new sibling. Maybe by this time next year, I'll be the one answering the questions of parents with younger children and saying, "I understand, I've been there."

Breastfeeding Basics

Chris brags that he's willingly gone to breastfeeding class twice. He's just that awesome of a husband, right?. Well, if he admitted what happened the first time around, he'd blow his own cover, and mine too.

We had arrived at the classroom, the same one our prenatal class was held in the week before, but it was empty. A very sympathetic and helpful instructor, who had arrived early to set up for another class later in the evening, made a series of phone calls for us and learned that I had the right date and time for the class, but the wrong hospital. Oy vey. Some light tears later, (Okay, so it did go through my mind, if I get the wrong hospital for a class, what will I mess up when I go into labor?) I was at least was able to snag the last two spots in the class being held two weeks later, and officially rescheduled.

Our second attempt at attendance went off without a hitch. We had the correct location, we were on time, and despite that I've listened to every Pregtastic podcast there is on breastfeeding, I still found the class informative and worthwhile. In fact, I enjoyed it much more than the the prenatal class, which glossed over ever pregnancy and labor topic possible, while this was topic specific.

While Chris admitted it was probably good that he went, we're still not in agreement that the class was absolutely necessary. He reminded me that they teach all of this in the hospital, along with diaper changing and bathing the baby (two other things Chris and I have never done). His friend and his partner didn't bother with the class, even though she knew wanted to breastfeed, and he reported that she's doing fine. However, I don't think you can lump something as personal and emotional as breastfeeding in with diapers and baths. It's true that labor and delivery nurses are trained in basic breastfeeding techniques and most hospitals have a lactation specialist or consultant who can visit you within 24 hours of birth. However, in that time, the baby will have needed to feed multiple times, I will be exhausted and I'm so emotionally committed to breastfeeding, that I want to go in as prepared as possible for my own benefit. Because a lot can go awry.

Breastfeeding, in general, is not complicated, and sure women have been doing it since the beginning of time, but the mechanics is not actually instinctual (or so I've been told). Both babies and mothers can perform a piece of the process incorrectly enough to through the rhythm out of sink. A baby can have trouble latching on correctly. Or the mom might not figure out how to hold the baby in a comfortable position and suddenly question how she'll be able to put up with nursing 8-10 times a day. Breastfeeding has been compared to dancing, where you each may know the steps, but not the style at which your partner moves. Because of formula, no baby will starve, but each unsuccessful day of breastfeeding can lead to health complications for the mom and baby, frustration, and ultimately, giving up breastfeeding.

So I signed us up for a class offered through the hospital called Breastfeeding Basics. In two and a half hours, it covered the benefits of breastfeeding, how to prepare, avoiding and solving problems, and the role of the support person.

The latter is why Chris was there. Actually, the description of the class specifically instructed you to bring your support person and I ended up with some additional authority when we met a woman in our baby class who didn't know her husband was supposed to attend the breastfeeding class with her, and she felt like a loser for being the only one there without a partner. As she recounted the story over lunch in the hospital cafeteria, I interpreted the look on her husband's face as, "Don't be me."

There are two pieces in this becoming a parent adventure Chris is naturally and obviously excused from: labor and breastfeeding. He's attended appointments and a prenatal class and kept up on the stages of pregnancy. It's his kid too, after all. Even though only I can make the decision whether to breastfeed or not, (they are my breasts, after all) I think it's important that he be just as informed. Two minds are better than one, so even though we received more information in those two and a half hours than we could actually process and remember, we've both received the same basic information and can help each other in those first few weeks after birth. I don't think I'll have the patience to explain basic breastfeeding concepts, and he'd be hearing it second-hand, anyway, instead of from the instructor with an advanced degree and 24 years experience. Meanwhile, the nurse or lactation consultant at the hospital won't have to help him play catch-up during the precious time she has to work with the baby and me. Just as I haven't spent any significant time with babies and nursing mothers, Chris had to be introduced to this foreign world of breast pumps, a new vocabulary with terms like engorgement, let down and colostrum and a lifestyle altered to accommodate round-the-clock feedings and pumping and freezing milk. The class helped us transition from breastfeeding as a theory - something we supported, something we knew other people do - to a reality with all the physical, logistical and emotional details.

One belief surrounding breastfeeding that hasn't changed after the class and all the research I've done is that it really is a personal choice. Just as I feel the pull towards doing anything less than a natural, unmedicated birth is considered an injustice to your child, I sense a shame out there among women who don't want to or can't breastfeed. The "Breast is Best" movement has done a lot to encourage women to breastfeed and support those who choose to do so. I do believe breast milk is better than formula, but formula is still good. I remind myself that I was a formula-fed baby. And I'll admit that I want to breastfeed as much for the health benefits for me as for the baby, and the idea of breastfeeding as better for bonding than bottle feeding (oft mentioned in the pro-breastfeeding literature, but one I haven't been able to buy into yet) is less motivating than the thought of the cost savings (less often mentioned). I have the time and support, and hopefully when the baby is born, the patience and lack of complications. Breastfeeding is a logical option for me now, but not for every woman.

Class of 2014

Two thousand fourteen is the year Baby P.C. will graduate from preschool and head on to kindergarten. Chris and I are already looking forward to photographing the little tyke with new lunchbox and an oversized bookbag on the first day of school, as our proud parents had done with us.

However, 2014 is also the estimated year Chris will finish his MBA from the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul. Yes, he was accepted! He's also just relieved to have the GMAT and the application process behind him and is looking forward to being a student again, even if continuing with a full-time job means the program will take longer to finish. But as he talks about different directions he could take his career with an MBA, it's heartening to witness him dream, and I couldn't be prouder of him.

Pursuing an MBA

Chris is approaching the two-year mark at Andersen Windows, at which point he will be eligible for MBA programs for working professionals. Since he’s started at Andersen, he’s been encouraged to get an MBA, something many of his co-workers have done and recommend. The advanced degree would expand his career opportunities and after two years away from the academic environment, he misses school.

But with a baby arriving just six weeks after he’d start what will be potentially a five-year process to earn his MBA, some have tried to encourage him to hold off on going back to school until he sees how he handles such a major transition in his life. Even one of Chris’s co-workers, who’s expecting his first child in May, may hold off on entering a similar degree program, so people’s concerns gave us cause to think through the positives and negatives with more seriousness.

After we talked, Chris and I decided that he has nothing to lose in starting a masters. Andersen will cover tuition two-three classes a year, which means the financial stake is minimal. He's also entering a program tailored towards working professionals and he has the encouragement of his boss, so he'll get support from his school when work conflicts with class and vice versa. Chris would rather get in the habit of studying now, and then postpone his program if parenthood is too overwhelming, rather than never even start because parenthood is, well, rather overwhelming, and he can't imagine adding anything else to his plate. By going to school at night while holding a full-time job and being a parent, his grad school experience will surely be different from mine, but the payoff will be the same.

We realized that in life there are just some things you can’t control. In a perfect world, Chris would have finished school at 22, started his MBA at 24 and finished by the time he would be 29. In between, he would have met a wonderful woman a few years his junior, who wouldn’t have been ready to have kids for many years. By the time kids came he along, he would have already finished that MBA. Instead, he finished school at 24 and met a (equally wonderful) woman four years his senior, who doesn’t want to wait around another five years while we try to check off as much as possible on our imaginary “before we have kids” to-do list. I feel very strongly about family planning and waiting to have kids until you’ve had a chance to complete certain milestones – college, living on your own, starting a career, etc. However, where is that point in your life where you’ve accomplished the things you wanted for yourself in life – the things that would have been very difficult or maybe impossible with kids – but haven’t yet waited too long to have children? How do you recognize that point in your life?

I think Chris and I are here. I feel thankful that we have had the opportunity to accomplish what we have - careers, homeownership, grad degree for me, financial stability. There will so many plans we'll have to reevaulate, but with the baby coming, the question of whether we're in the right stage in our life to start a family is moot. Now our focus is on what we still want to accomplish in our lives and how and at what pace we will fulfill those goals.