Thoughts on Adopting Two

Adopting two unrelated children is so controversial in the adoption world that many agencies don't allow it and even some of those that do only allow it under special circumstances, such as in the case where two children were raised in the same orphanage or foster family.  Opponents of two at once claim that this scenario raises the chance of disruption; (meaning, not going through with the adoption in-country or placing the child for adoption once home) although, our first agency, which had a rule against adopting two at once, couldn't provide any data or research supporting their stance.  Other reasons include the belief that adoptive parents can't adequately meet the needs (emotional, time, medical) of two newly-adopted children, or might favor the "easier" child over the more "difficult" child.  And there's the idea that every child, especially one from difficult background, deserves to be the center of attention as the newest member of the family. I think these are important issues to consider and adopting two unrelated children shouldn't be taken lightly, but I don't think we can make a blanket statement that adopting two at once is a bad choice.

Why did we decide to do it despite the controversy? The simple answer is that we wanted four children.  We had two children already, so when we decided to adopt, two more instead of one more felt right.  That’s just honestly where my heart was. Plus we thought it would be a benefit to our children to be adopted at the same time since they would have a shared background and they would have each other through the transition.  And since there wouldn't be a second adoption, we wouldn't have to make the tough decision about when is a good time to leave behind a child still relatively new to the family to adopt another child. 

The more complicated reasons are ones that are unpopular admissions in the adoption community.  We wanted two more children, but did we did not think we could go through with a second adoption down the line, and it was cheaper to adopt two at once than to adopt two separately.  Admitting this has prompted knee-jerk reactions from a few adoptive parents who have accused me of treating human beings like a commodity or have implied we are weak for being fearful of a second adoption process or not willing to make what they think is the required sacrifice.

The reality of our adoption process was that it was long, unpredictable and emotionally-draining. It was taking its toll on my sanity as I tried to stay on top of the paperwork and track the next steps in the process and avoid unnecessary delays.  Even when unavoidable delays happened, I still felt like a failure.  Managing the process and obsessing over planning for the future left less time for the family I already had and that made me sad.  As unlikely as it would be for a “stable” adoption program like China's, I still worried that without notice, China would suddenly say no to our request to adopt or would shut down the whole program has happened in Russia, Vietnam, Guatemala and many other countries. Even if we completed one adoption from China, there was no guarantee we'd be able to adopt from China again in the future.  I saw enough changes in the 20 months we were in process to question whether anyone could predict what the program will look like in the near future.  Even if Chris and I mustered the stamina to pursue another adoption, I don't know if my in-laws could do it.  The reality is that we wouldn't have been able to adopt if my in-laws hadn't taken care of Oliver and Soren.  It was a lot to ask of them to take care of two young children for over three weeks while we were 14 time zones away.  I didn’t think we could ask that of them again, but this time take care of three children. 

The other factor that played into whether we would do two separate adoptions or two at once is something that no one really wants to admit plays a role - money. Adoption is expensive.  There’s no way around that.  Everyone who works to facilitate an adoption, whether in the U.S. or China, needs to get paid.  My checkbook barely had a chance to cool down before another fee was due.  And that was just for the adoption.  We also had to travel to China.  My jaw dropped when our agency informed us of our travel costs.  Yes, the cost was higher because we were adopting two, and from different provinces, (our longer stay meant extra nights in a hotel, extra days of guides and additional meals in restaurants) but many of the costs, like plane tickets, were sunk costs.

The weeks and months following adoption can be really expensive too because of all the medical appointments.  These expenses coincided with my paid leave running out a month after we got home from China.  We anticipated this, planned accordingly and made it work.  But it was still a financially difficult time to go for weeks without an income on the heels of a very expensive adoption.  Now that we're finished building our family, I'm really relieved to be able to work back towards being more financially stable.  

We didn't go into adoption unprepared and we didn't make the decision lightly to adopt two unrelated children.  We took our trainings, read books, followed blogs and talked with other adoptive families, including those who have adopted two at once.  Those families in particular didn't sugar-coat anything, but their stories also contained a lot of joy and no regret. 

Most importantly, though, we thought about what worked for our family.  Having four children so close in age sounds overwhelming to most people, but to us, it was comforting because we feel like experts in this age range because we've been living it every day. 

Was it all worth it even though it was hard?  Of course it was.  I have Kiera and Matteo.  Not just one of them, both of them. I can't imagine having only one of them and not the other. They both complete our family.

Just as I had imagined, I'm thankful they have each other. Matteo may have slept through our first meeting with Kiera and was unsure of what was going on when he woke up, but by the time we made it to the playground later that afternoon, he realized that his new sister was an awesome playmate and their relationship has remained strong ever since.  Sometimes too strong.  Rarely a night goes by that I don't hear them squealing with delight in their bedroom and jumping around the room after lights out.

I recognize that not everyone's adoption goes so seamlessly, whether they're adopting one or two, but in a community where our mantra is "prepare for the worst and hope for the best," I want to share a story that has turned out better than we could have hoped for. 

Online Community

When you don't know anyone in real life adopting, what else can you do but turn to the Internet? If I had realized how big the China adoption community is, I would have searched Facebook much sooner, because once I typed in key words like "China" and "adoption," groups popped up, I requested to join whatever looked remotely relevant and that's how I found my online adoption community. 

These groups were my sanity during the process and it often seemed like some of the members knew more than my own agency.  Anytime I doubted what my agency was telling me, (and even when I wasn't doubting) I immediately verified the information on Facebook.  Because the members of the Facebook groups represented most likely every adoption agency in the country, I got immediate confirmation about what was a China requirement versus and agency requirement, and learned what to ask for based on what other agencies were doing better than mine or what to look out for based on the horror stories others told. 

We cheered each up during long waits or set-backs in the process, and celebrated even the smallest victories, like clearing the next step in the process.  And of course we loved seeing pictures of each others' kids, whether that first referral photo, meeting them for the first time in China or back at home where we watched them blossom.  That I even had pictures to show of Kiera and Matteo I owe to the Facebook groups.  When I voiced my frustration with not being matched by our agency, a couple people reached out to me and suggested I switch, advised me on how to do it and then supported me when our old agency fought the switch.

All these groups are closed, which means others can see that you joined the group, but not anything you post on the group's wall.  A few of them are secret groups, which means that they don't turn up in searches and an admin has to add you and can only do so if you're friends. Before adding you to a group, an admin will mostly e-mail you and ask you a couple of questions to make sure you're legit and that the group is right for you.

• Rate Your China Adoption Agency - Before you pick an agency, read agency reviews and ask recent clients about their experiences.
• China Adoption Questions - Whether you're in the early stages of thinking about adopting from China or are in process, this is the place to ask all the random questions you have about adopting from China.
• Prospective Adoptive Parents for China - A group devoted specifically to answering questions from those thinking about adopting from China.
• China Adopt 2 Questions - Are you thinking of adopting two?  Ask any questions related to adopting two at once.
• China Adopt 2 and Beyond - This group is specifically for those of us matched with two or have already come home with two.
• Dossier to China - Some agencies do your whole dossier for you, (and charge you a lot) but with support from this group, you'll be able to do it by yourself. 
• Changing China Agencies - This group was started by the moms who've helped me and others to switch agencies.  They were fielding so many questions, they thought a separate group for this issue was needed.
• Families with Children Adopted from China - This group has thousands of members and is open to adoptive parents (and soon-to-be) and adoptees.  It includes what I call the two generations of Chinese adoption - parents of older adoptees adopted from the non-special needs programs
• Considering Older Child Adoption from China - For parents who've adopted (or are thinking of adopting) a school-age child
• China Waiting Child Advocacy - This groups advocates for harder-to-place children, such as those with moderate or severe needs or children over age two.  Many parents have found their children on this group.
• Journey Across Forever - For adoptive parents who are searching or have found birth family, foster family, finder or nannies of their children
• Working Adoption Moms - For a long time it felt like I was the only adoptive mom who was not a stay-at-home mom.  There are plenty of moms who work, adopt and then put their children in daycare like any other working parent.
• Secular Adoptive Families - Even more alone as a working mom, I'm a non-religious working mom in a community that is VERY religious.  Although not exclusive to China adoption, I wish I had found this group prior to starting the adoption process.
• Secular Foster and Adoptive Parenting - also not exclusive to China adoption, but supportive nonetheless
• After Adoption Support - Not a China-specific group, but there are a lot of China families active in this group, which provides "after the airport" support
• China Adoption Lifebook Group -Tons of great ideas here for putting together your child's lifebook

Then there are the "DTC"  or "LID" groups.  The acronym DTC stands for "dossier to China" and LID stands for "log-in date," the date on which your dossier is logged into China's system. When you reach the DTC and then LID stages you're either already matched with a child or are now eligible to be matched with a child and that's a point where the whole adoption starts feeling real. It's good to join one of these groups because you connect with people in the same stage in the process.  However, because our adoption got so drawn out, I kept having to join new DTC/LID groups so I could find people on a similar timeline. 

• DTC or Travel January - June 2015
• DTC or Travel Fall/Winter 2014
• DTC Spring/Winter 2013 - 2014
• China LID Mid-August - Mid-September
• DTC China Spring Summer 2014

There are also province-specific groups and maybe even one for your child's orphanage or city.

• Hefei Adoption - open to anyone with a child from Anhui; although many people in the group have children from Hefei
• Anhui Group - Moderated by our guide, an employee of the government, and I don't totally trust her, but since there are so few Anhui groups, I want to stay connected
• Children from Fuyang, Anhui - I founded this small group for those of us with children from Fuyang
• Shenzhen Adoptive Families 
• Shenzhen Birthparents Search
• Families with Children from Guangdong
• Families with Children Adopted from Guangdong Province

There may be a group for your part of the U.S.as well.

• Frozen Ladybugs - Guess which state this group's members hail from.

Your agency probably has a group for its families.  These groups might not be as open since people are less likely to be candid when an employee of the agency is moderating the group.  But other agency-specific groups were simply started by a parent wanting to connect with others who adopted from the same agency.

• Great Wall China Adoption Family Connection Group

If your child has a special need, there might be a group devoted to that need.

• Parenting our Adopted Children with CP
• Precious Cleft Smiles China

Post-Adoption Report Pictures

We need to submit eight pictures of each child for Kiera's and Matteo's one-month post-adoption reports.  They're supposed to show what our children have been up to since joining our family and how they are doing.  Since we haven't done a whole lot that's picture-worthy since coming home (we're supposed to be cocooning, and it's mostly been cold here in Minnesota), I've had to make a point to keep my camera on me and try to take pictures when we're out and about, or simply when I catch the kids in a good mood.  My kids have heard way too many times, "Smile!  I need a picture to send to China!"

When I finally uploaded all my photos onto my computer, I was combing through them when I came upon this one. This is what "real" siblings do, right?

Okay, really, I'm not going to let that one make the cut. Oliver and Soren actually play quite nicely with Kiera and Matteo and have been awesome big brothers.  There were so many other pictures to chose from that it's going to be hard to narrow them down to just eight.

Matteo

Clockwise from top left: 1. Guangzhou. 2. Playing with blocks at home. 3. Guangzhou. 4. Choo Choo Bob's train store.

Clockwise from top left: 1. Cruising the hospital in his car before his cleft palate surgery. 2. Family picture on Kiera's birthday. 3. Going for a walk pushing three kiddos. 4. Every time he sees the camera, he throws his arm around Kiera for a picture.

Clockwise from top left: 1. Matteo wearing his big brothers' hand-me-down overalls. 2. Donning their junior firefighters hats on a trip to our local fire station. 3. Posing with their siblings, friends and two friendly firefighters at the end of our tour of the fire station.

Clockwise from top left: 1. Kids love carrying their stuff in bags. 2. Snuggled up for a cold winter's walk. 3. All four siblings "smile" for the camera at the Minnesota Children's Museum. 4. Matteo "helped" me bake.

Kiera

Clockwise from top left: 1. Kiera and Matteo "helped" me bake. 2. Getting her teeth cleaned at the dentist. 3. Playing with trains at Choo Choo Bob's train store. 4. Getting a loving hug from Matteo while playing blocks.

Clockwise from top left: 1. Kiera on her third birthday. 2. Wearing the birthday crown Oliver made her while everyone sang Happy Birthday to her. 3. Riding in a wagon at Grandma and Grandpa's house. 4. Trying on her new shades from Uncle Andy and Aunt Danielle.

Clockwise from top left: 1. Guangzhou. 2. Kiera with Matteo and Daddy in Guangzhou. 3. Family picture on Kiera's birthday. 4. Matteo and Kiera.

Kiera had no fear jumping into the ball pit.  As you can see, she loved it!

One day we were all sitting at the table eating when Oliver said out of the blue to me, "When you send those pictures to China, you need to tell them that Kiera and Matteo are really happy here and we love them very much."

I will certainly do that.  I have no idea if their foster families will ever get any of the information from our post-adoption reports, but I asked our agency if they can at least make sure the families get the pictures of their former foster children.  Kiera and Matteo were loved so much and if pictures say a thousand words, hopefully no translation is needed to convey that Kiera and Matteo are happy and they are loved. 

One-Month Post-Adoption Report

The China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA) requires families to submit six post-adoption reports over the course of five years.  Counting from the day the adoption is finalized in China, (January 27th for Matteo and February 3 for Kiera) reports are due to the CCCWA at one month, six months, twelve months, two years, three years and five years post-adoption.  (If you received your travel approval January 1, 2015 or later, the one-month post-adoption report is replaced by a four-year report.) The first three must be written by a social worker; the last three by the families.  Reports, along with eight photos depicting the child's life, are submitted to the placing agency, who then submits them to the CCCWA.

Thankfully both our placing agency and home study agency were on top of things and contacted us about scheduling a meeting, because the post-adoption report was the last thing on my mind when I returned.  And thankfully we like our social worker because she'll be in our lives for awhile, something I didn't fully appreciate when post-adoption seemed like a stage we were never going to make it to.

Our social worker came over to our house and took notes while the kids played and I talked about how things have been going.  I talked about our time in China, meeting Matteo and Kiera for the first time, how the bonding process is going, what Oliver and Soren think of everything, how we're all sleeping, the doctor's appointments I've lined up and pretty much everything that's happened in the month since we've known these two.  I was happy to report that they're healthy (the need for palate surgery and ear tubes aside), eating well, sleeping (reasonably) well, well-behaved (for now) and just generally happy kids.  I recounted how I marveled at how two kids could take such interest in books despite not having held a book up until a month ago, or their curiosity and how they know how to play. 

Our concerns are few.  We hope that ear tubes solve the kids' speech delays, but for now, that's in the doctors' hands.  We wish we were sleeping better, but our social worker confirmed that what we're experiencing is normal and that how we're addressing it and coping with it are reasonable in the context of a newly-adopted child.  The emotional issue for me is attachment.  We're seeing signs in Kiera of "indiscriminate friendliness," which means she treats strangers the same way she treats us, her mom and dad.  I'm hoping this is more a reflection of Kiera's calm and friendly personality and the fact we're still so new to her that she's still sorting out who is who in her life, and that with time, she will form a healthy attachment to Chris and me.  But when Kiera picks up a book, flips it open to a picture of a woman, says, "Mama" and points to our social worker, I know we have a long way to go.  In the meantime, our social worker reinforced that we should continue what we've been doing, which is being the only ones who pick up Kiera, hug her, snuggle with her, feed her and generally meet all her physical and emotional needs.  For the time-being, everyone else should continue to direct her back to us no matter how cute she looks with her outstretched arms and eyes that plead, "Pick me up!" 

Overall, though, I can't emphasize enough how well things are otherwise going.  As our social worker watched Kiera and Matteo dump the contents of all the toys baskets onto the living room floor and explore and play, she remarked how calm and comfortable they seem.  She thought we were all adjusting well to becoming a family.  Barely one month in, this is what becoming a family looks like. Toy-strewn floor and all. 

China Trip Day #23 - Headed Home

The flights were long.  There’s no way else to put it.  But we’re home and I’m grateful.  And tired.

Our stay at our hotel in Hong Kong lasted not much more than 12 hours.  We woke up at a reasonable hour, packed, Skyped with the kids and headed down to breakfast with what I thought was plenty of time.  We ran into the family we had ridden the train with and they had already checked out and were waiting for the shuttle, yet their flight left an hour and a half later than ours.  They chose to leave super early and eat at the airport for “peace of mind.”  That left me with no peace of mind for catching our own flight and I practically inhaled my breakfast and then dashed back to the room to pack the remainder of our things while Chris cajoled the kids into finishing their breakfast a little quicker. We caught a 9:30 a.m. shuttle bus for the two-minute ride to the airport, and the good news is that we arrived with plenty of time.  Whew!   

When we got to the ticket counter, we presented the ticket agent our two American passports and two Chinese passports.  I explained Matteo and Kiera are our two adopted children and before I could ask if he needed any other documentation, he asked for the “envelope you’re not allowed to open.”  I definitely knew what he was talking about.  He looked at the cover sheet on the envelopes and said he should have asked for the immigration documents, or whatever those documents are officially called.  I suggested he stick with the “envelope you’re not allowed to open” because every adoptive parent is going to know exactly what he’s talking about!

We headed to the security checkpoint and were happy to see the Hong Kong airport has a family line and they don’t require you to take your shoes off.  We were through security and at our gate by five past ten. 

I used the remainder of our Hong Kong dollars to load up on water only to discover that they don’t let you bring any liquids on board.  It doesn’t make sense to me since they wouldn’t let liquids over 100 ml through security, so our water was purchased inside the secure zone.  In anticipation of this, though, the flight attendants handed out bottles of water to everyone shortly after take-off. 

Kiera’s first flight in her life was going to be a long one, scheduled at 12.5 hours.  The four of us didn’t end up sitting together because when two bulkhead seats in Economy Comfort opened up a week prior, Chris grabbed them.  It was worth being split up if it meant we could seat out active Matteo where he couldn’t push the seat in front of him or repeatedly open and close the tray table. 

The downside of a flight leaving at noon and landing at the time our body thinks it’s midnight is that we were not tired enough to sleep, (but still tired!) which neither Chris or I did the whole flight.  We had hoped the kids would go to sleep early in the flight since it was naptime, but for a variety of reasons, they couldn’t sleep.  Hours later, Matteo finally crashed on the floor of the bulkhead row, and I thought Kiera was going to doze off when she started crying.  The only thing that consoled her was when I suggested we go find Daddy, and she ended up sitting on Chris’s lap for awhile.  When Matteo woke up, Chris and I switched seats and I sat in bulkhead with Kiera, who finally did sleep for about three hours. 

We landed in Seattle about 45 minutes early due to a favorable tailwind, but given that we already had a four-and-a-half-hour layover, landing early did nothing more than release us from the confines of the airplane a little earlier than expected.  But that meant we had even more time in Seattle to kill.

We had chosen a long layover because for adoption trips, extra time is needed to get through immigration.  Therefore, any layover under three hours is considered tight.  It took us about an hour and a half to go through immigration, collect our bags, have them inspected by immigration, recheck them and then go through security again.  Immigration was the shortest and least aggravating step of the whole process.

We stood for a few minutes in the line for foreign nationals when a border agent directed our family and the two other adoptive families on our flight to a separate waiting area.  One by one, we presented our passports and brown envelopes to the agents who quickly reviewed the contents.  Everyone was very pleasant and completely unlike the horror stories I’ve heard from other adoptive parents about their experiences. 

I was surprised to learn that the kids’ passports weren’t automatically invalidated.  I was told they’d punch a hole through it.  The customs agent explained that they can travel on their Chinese passports for another year, or until they apply for an American passport.  And with that we were finished.  No oath of citizenship, no ceremony, just a simple congratulations from the customs agents and we were on our way with our country's two newest American citizens. 

The long layover ended up passing reasonably quickly thanks to one of the other adoptive families.  They had brought their seven-, nine- and 11-year-old daughters along on the their trip to adopt a fourth daughter, a 12-month-old.  The older girls adored Kiera and Matteo and they happily entertained our kids until it was time for us to board our flight to Minnesota.

By the time we got on the final plane home, I could hardly keep my eyes open.  I went in and out of sleep and each time I woke up, I was convinced hardly any time had passed, so I couldn't believe it when I heard the pilot announced we’d be on the ground in 20 or 25 minutes.  I was so excited to finally be home that I got teary-eyed. 

I was so excited to see everyone as soon as we got off the plane, but we desperately needed to change the kids.  They were filthy!  Their clothes were stained all over with the meals and snacks from the past 24 hours of traveling.  I was thankful I had packed an extra set of clothes for them in my carry-on.

When I imagined our homecoming while we were in China, I imagined I’d be bawling, but when we descended the escalator into baggage claim and saw our family and friends for the first time, I was simply filled with joy.  I was so excited to see everyone! 

Oliver and Soren ran towards us and Oliver launched himself into my arms with such force that he almost knocked me over.  As much as he missed us, he picked up right where he had left off and filled us in on the latest happenings in the life of a five-year-old.  For me, it was surreal to see Oliver and Soren again.  Chris thinks Soren grew while we were gone and he kept commenting on how big Oliver looked, perhaps because we've gotten used to the sizes of Kiera and Matteo.  For me, it was funny to have kids who could talk and speak English.  We've spent the past two-plus weeks talking to kids who look back us blankly and silently and barely ever say anything even in Chinese. 

It was fun to watch everyone else meet Kiera and Matteo for the first time.  Since we've been with them 24/7 the past two weeks, we feel like we know them very well, even in this short amount of time, and I had to remind myself that until that moment, everyone else only knew our kids through pictures.  Although I didn't cry, Nan made sure someone expressed her joy with tears. 

Thanks to another local adoptive mom who's a photographer,(and it turns out, a talented videographer as well) I'm able to share our homecoming with you.  (The hearts on the kids' cheeks weren't to express their love for their parents upon their return, but rather the result of face painting at their preschool Valentines' Day party.)

China Trip Day #22 - Visas

After a week and a half in Guangzhou, it was time to say goodbye.  I’ll miss the weather and the community of other adoptive families in our hotel.  I’ll miss having no other responsibilities other than to take care of my children and show up when our guide tells us to.  It’s funny that the Garden Hotel will hold a special place in my heart for the place where I made first memories with Kiera and Matteo.

Even as I’m a little sad about leaving Guangzhou, I’m also looking forward to Hong Kong’s drinkable water and unlimited Internet access.  I hear it’s an incredible city, ranking up there with New York City.  Some families choose to go to Hong Kong at the beginning of their trip rather than Beijing and some go at the end because they want to make a family vacation out of Hong Kong Disney.  I wish Hong Kong weren’t just a place for us to sleep and we could actually see the city, but I really don’t have the energy for more sightseeing, especially with two toddlers.  I’m ready to go home and see my family and relieve Chris’s parents and Marcel who have been taking care of Oliver and Soren non-stop for the past three weeks. 

Hong Kong is a common departure city for families flying back to the United States.  One of the few flights from Guangzhou to the United States is to Los Angeles and the connection to Minnesota is not ideal.  Another option is to fly from Guangzhou to another city in China (like Beijing or Shanghai) or elsewhere in Asia (Seoul or Tokyo), but that given that none of those cities (except Tokyo) have a direct flight to the Minnesota, we’d end up with an extra layover.  American families have more options if they make the two-hour trip to Hong Kong and the difference in flight costs usually makes up for the cost of an extra night’s hotel stay in such an expensive city. 

Instead of taking a van, we opted for the train, which is almost a fourth the cost.  We checked out of our hotel and waited in the hotel lobby for our guide to return from picking up the kids’ visas from the consulate.  Visas aren’t available for pick-up until 3:30 p.m. the day after the consulate appointment.  Once she arrived, she handed us our paperwork, including the adoption decrees, and the mystical brown envelope, and the kids’ passports and we loaded our luggage in the guide’s van for the drive to the train station. 

I had thought our train trip to Shenzhen would have prepared us for the trip to Hong Kong, but I forgot about one difference: customs. We waited in line at customs and when we got to the front we learned we needed to fill out departure cards, because, well, we were leaving China.  We then went through another security clearance before making it to the departure hall.  This part of the station was so much nicer than where we had to wait for the train to Shenzhen.  It wasn’t as crowded, there were plenty of seats and there was more than just a single convenience store.  We didn’t get to enjoy the improved waiting area, because as soon as we arrived, they started boarding. 

The train left 10 minutes late and took about two hours.  The kids (well, Matteo) were a bit wound up since we were traveling during dinner time and eventually bedtime.  We hadn’t thought to bring dinner on board, so we ate the random snacks we’d stashed in our bags when were packed up our hotel room in Guangzhou.  I’ll never be so happy to have a healthy salad when I get home!

When we arrived in Hong Kong, we went through customs again.  We did not know we needed to fill out arrival cards for ourselves and the kids, so that held us up again.  I had hoped for another stamp in my passport, but all I got was a piece of paper saying I could stay until May.

Chinese drivers get a bad rap, but our Hong Kong taxi driver drove the fastest of anyone we’ve ridden with in the past three weeks.  Whatever the posted speed limit in kilometers per hour was, he seemed to be driving as if the speed limit was posted in miles per hour.  They also drive on the opposite side of the road in Hong Kong, so there were a few unsettling moments before I realized that we were not driving on the wrong side of the road at 80 miles per hour.  Another adoptive family was on the same train and they said their taxi driver was also speedy. 

It was after 9:00 p.m. by the time we got to our room, so we quickly changed the kids into their pajamas, brushed their teeth, read one quick book and declared lights out.  For once it didn’t take them long to fall asleep. 

I am not looking forward to the long flight tomorrow, but I keep thinking about how the long trip will be worth it to see Oliver and Soren at the other end.  Gosh, I miss those cute boys.

China Trip Day #21 - Consulate Appointment

The consulate appointment is the last step official step in the adoption process.  After over a year and a half on this journey, I can’t believe that we’ve finally completed Kiera’s and Matteo’s adoptions.  We are officially family forever and we can now start the long journey home.

We couldn’t have our appointment until Kiera’s passport arrived, which was yesterday.  We also had to wait for the kids’ TB results to come back, which also happened yesterday. Thankfully those were negative or we wouldn’t have been going anywhere until the tuberculosis was successfully treated. 

We met our guide at 9:00 a.m. for our 10:00 a.m. appointment. (The consulate takes 12 appointments each at 8:30 a.m. and 10:00 a.m. Monday through Thursday.)   We had to go through security and weren’t allowed to take cell phone or cameras in with us.  Based on my recollections of others’ accounts of the consulate appointment, I had in my mind that we couldn’t take anything in with us besides our passports and adoption paperwork.  So we entered with no water or snacks for the kids, and more importantly, no change of clothes for Kiera.  To put it lightly, Kiera has been experiencing digestive troubles. We thought this was the result of introducing new foods to her diet, but after multiple days (and multiple changes of clothes – so thankful for our room with a washer and dryer!) it occurred to us that she was actually sick.  Another family at our hotel gave us antibiotics after I posted a plea on Facebook, but Kiera was only two doses into her treatment when we showed up at the consulate.  We did make it through the appointment without incident, but just barely.

For all that leads up to this appointment, it’s very anti-climatic.  A consular official called all the families together and as he sat behind bullet-proof/bomb-proof glass and talked into a microphone, we listened to a spiel about issuing visas for our kids and the paperwork we’ll need to hand to immigration officials when we pass through customs in the U.S.  He talked for awhile, but I can highlight the key points in two sentences. 1. Don’t open the brown envelope we will be given along with the kids’ visas or very, very bad things will happen. 2. The oath were about to take was not a citizenship oath, but simply swearing that all the information we stated in the visas applications is true. 

After promising that we understood not to open the brown envelope, we sat down and waited some more.  When our number was called, we met with another consular official who verified our passports and paperwork.  The only glitch we encountered is that our fingerprints had expired.  If you recall from a previous rant on this blog, our fingerprints “expired” on February 4.  Since we’re returning on February 12, Chris and I requested a new fingerprint appointment and had our “biometrics” retaken at the end of December.  Our new approval had not arrived by the time we left in late January, but I was told they’d be able to look it up in the system.  The official we met with said she’d continue to process our paperwork, but that she would still need to confirm with the USCIS the status of our fingerprints because she could not in fact look up the information in the system.  As we waited to meet with the last consular official, I was seriously starting to panic. We had gotten this far and what if “expired” fingerprints were going to delay our departure home?  Thankfully, before I had a full-blown panic attack, the second consular official called us up and delivered the news that they’d confirmed our updated fingerprints.  We were approved! 

Most families make it through the consulate appointment in a half an hour, but it took us an extra hour.  Our guide was waiting for us outside the consulate, along with an American photographer we met on Facebook.  Shannon’s husband works for the consulate and they just moved to Guangzhou. She happened to connect with an adoptive mom who Facebook who suggested families might want to have professional pictures taken after their consulate appointment. I predict she’s going to make a lucrative business for herself. 

We walked over to her apartment building, which has an outdoor area on the sixth floor and gorgeous views of Guangzhou.  There was even a small playground up there and after hanging around inside the consulate for two hours with little to do, Kiera and Matteo loved running around.  Shannon took some pictures of the kids playing and a few of us as a family.  Kiera signaled the end of the photo shoot when her digestive troubles came calling again.  We made it through the consulate appointment, but my new concern is now making it through our flight. 

Because Kiera was sick, after nap we stayed close to the hotel.  I was honestly too tired to venture any farther with the kids as it was.  The excitement of being in a new city has worn off and the days have frankly gotten mundane.  We eat breakfast at our hotel, do something with the kids in the morning, come back to the hotel and make a quick lunch (things we can make with boiling water, like noodles or oatmeal), the kids take a nap, we sit around the hotel room and then we kill time before dinner.  Once the kids go to bed, it’s more hanging around the hotel room. 

To break up our pre-dinner routine, we visited the playground located by the pool on the fourth floor of our hotel.  Of course we only find out about this on our last night of a week-and-a-half stay.  I ran out and got us noodles for dinner and we ate by the playground.  As excited as I am to get home, I will miss eating dinner outside in February.

China Trip Day #13 - The Day We Met Kiera

Today couldn’t have gone any better for Chris.  He watched one of the best Super Bowl games he’s ever seen and got a daughter all in the same day.  The time difference meant that the NFL’s biggest game of the year started at 7:30 a.m. on Monday morning in China and we met Kiera at 2:30 in the afternoon.  When I was in labor with Oliver and Soren, I controlled the radio dial on the way to the hospital and the TV remote in my hospital room, which meant no sports talk radio or Monday night football for Chris.  The one in wrenching pain (that would have been me) got to call the shots.  Adoption is a different story though and given that Chris has more than pulled his weight on this trip (especially since he’s the preferred parent right now with Matteo), the Super Bowl it was.  

While Chris watched the game, Matteo and I took a walk.  We had hoped to get him down for an early nap so he’d be well-rested to meet his new sister.  Unfortunately, the timing didn’t work out.  Our guide wanted to meet us at noon to change money for the orphanage donation, and only then did we learn that the bank’s systems were down.  It was too late at that point to settle Matteo down and get him to nap, so we got take-out for lunch and ate it in the garden on the grounds of our hotel.  It was a beautiful day for a picnic – mid-70s and blue skies.  The gardens have a large Koi pond and Matteo and I enjoyed dropping pieces of bread from our lunch into the pond. 

We went back to our room to pack up a few things before meeting our guide for the drive to the Civil Affairs office in Guangzhou.  We packed snacks and sippy cups for both kids, lollipops, bubbles and my camera with freshly-charged batteries.  

We rode in the elevator with a group of nannies and five children (four boys and a girl) from another orphanage in Guangdong province.  As much as I wanted to meet Kiera, I was relieved she wasn’t one of the kids in the elevator because I would have been caught off-guard.  

We were lead into the Adoption Registry Center, a large and bright room that would eventually fill with over 20 families from all over the world meeting their children for the first time.  The children we saw in the elevator went to another room to wait.  Our guide told us Kiera had already arrived.  Families nervously waited.  One woman cried happy tears as she caught a glimpse of her son when he arrived.  One of my Facebook friends was there with her husband and two children as they awaited their 17-month-old son.  Today happened to be her birthday.  How cool is that?

I wasn’t sure what the plan was to introduce this large crowd to their children, but suddenly our guide said Kiera was ready.  We walked towards the room where the children were waiting when I looked over and there was a little girl in a bright pink coat surrounded by a bunch of adults.  The woman who we learned had been her nanny at the orphanage was pushing her towards me and telling her to go to her mom.  She walked right up to me.  She was even cuter in real life than in her pictures! I fumbled with everything I had in my hands desperately trying to get the bubbles we had packed.  She waited patiently as I fumbled with the lid to bottle. She was intrigued by the bubbles and I could tell that she wasn’t completely shut down.  She seemed almost happy, which was unbelievable.  

We walked her over to where we had been sitting while we waited for her so we could make room for other families.  Very quickly the room filled with chatter and laughter and cries from quite a few unhappy children.  Even as we had to talk above the noise, I was pretty much oblivious to what was going on around us.  The nanny who had accompanied Kiera from Shenzhen to Guangzhou knew her pretty well, so we were able to get all our questions answered.  The nanny reiterated what we had learned in our updates prior to travel – Kiera is an all-around great kid who’s smart and shows no signs of her original cerebral palsy diagnosis.  She’s supposedly potty-trained during the day, but arrived in a diaper due to the long trip.  During the whole question and answer time with the nanny, Kiera sucked down two sippy cups of water and happily sucked on the lollipop we brought her.  She let me hold her too.  I pulled her jacket off and noticed that she had two layers of tops and bottoms on, despite the warm weather.  Predictably, Kiera’s nanny reached for her to feel her skin to make sure she was still warm enough.  

And what was Matteo’s opinion of his new sister?  He had no comment at that time since he was asleep!  The lack of a nap had caught up with him and he had fallen asleep five minutes before we arrived at the Civil Affairs office. He did wake up at the end, so we do have some family pictures with him with his eyes open.  

As soon as we had our questions answered and signed the paperwork, our guide wanted us to leave so wouldn’t be hanging around longer than necessarily in what can be an overwhelming environment for kids.  As we reached for all our bags and our kids, I might have said “She’s mine!” out loud as I scooped Kiera up.  I was feeling very protective about being the only one to hold her. It's been tough on me having Matteo prefer Chris so much over me that I was feeling desperate to win over Kiera's trust as quickly as possible. 

The rest of the afternoon was more of an incredible first day with our fourth child than I could ever have hoped for.  We came back to the hotel to drop off our things off and have a snack.  Back at the Civil Affairs office, Matteo had retreated somewhat to his withdrawn and non-emotional state, which worried us that he was confused or maybe would be jealous.  He really opened up though once he and Kiera were seated at the table enjoying a snack together.  He even offered Kiera one of his snacks!  For a two-year-old, that’s one heck of a peace offering.  

At that point in the afternoon after no naps, the kids were getting punchy, so we desperately needed to get outside.  We put Matteo in the stroller and I strapped Kiera into the Ergo and we made the trek over to a park our guide had recommended with a playground.  The kids loved it!  They ran around, went down the slide a gazillion times and fearlessly climbed the play equipment.  After being an only child for a week, we could tell Matteo really enjoyed Kiera’s company.  

We stopped for dinner on the walk back from our hotel and then brought two very tired and dirty kids up to the room for a bath.  We were told Kiera took a bath every night, but she didn’t seem to know what to do with herself in the bathtub.  Even though Matteo has only been with us for a week, he rocks the stacking cups. Kiera watched him intently and then he offered one of his cups for her to play with.  The only time Kiera’s confidence appeared to falter was at bedtime.  She wasn’t sure what to think of her pajamas or having her teeth brushed, although, she did eventually allow me to brush them.  I don’t think a bedtime story was ever part of her routine as she seemed even more confused as to what we were doing.  Even though Matteo still doesn’t have the attention span for a book, he at least gets the routine and happily cuddled with his dad as he read.  

All four of us laid in bed together and I braced myself for Kiera to start crying at any moment, but just a few minutes after shuttling off the lights, she was out.  (With a little help from Melatonin.)  Our first day could not have gone any better.

Like Matteo, Kiera is more than we could have ever dreamed for and Chris and I feel so lucky to be her parents.  We’ve only known her for a few hours, but we can tell she’s one cool kid.  She’s got some spunk and confidence to her that is very endearing.  

With both kids asleep, Chris and I toasted the end of our childbearing years (over Chinese beer).  Chris feels relieved, while as I’ve said before, it’s bittersweet for me.  Now that we have the family we had previously only dreamed of, we both look forward to enjoying what we have instead of wishing for something more.  We recognize that we have a lot of hard parenting ahead of us, first in this next week and a half as we try to establish a routine while away from home, and then when we’re home and the honeymoon period has worn off and we’re dealing with the reality of four kids, doctor’s appointments, sibling rivalry and fostering an attachment with two children who are learning a new language and grieving what they’ve lost. Yet I'm so looking forward to this next chapter in our lives.

China Trip Day #7 - Matteo's Adoption Finalized

We finalized Matteo’s adoption with the Chinese authorities this morning.  We went back to the same Civil Affairs office we met Matteo in yesterday and we signed some more paperwork, had a brief “interview” with a government bureaucrat (when we were asked what date we married, it took three tries between Chris and me to get the date right!) and then Matteo pressed his hand with red ink onto the adoption certificate.  It would have been an otherwise quick process except that there were four other families adopting (another American family and three Italian families) and we had to wait our turns for paperwork to be processed and for the notary to appear.  When it was all said and done, Matteo’s adoption was the 14^th this year from Anhui province.  Last year, about 200 adoptions to families all over the world took place in Anhui alone.  

The two women from the Fuyang orphanage who drove Matteo to Hefei were back again today.  Matteo knows them, but not very well, but they nonetheless fussed over him and took many pictures of him and our family throughout the morning.  We had dressed Matteo in American clothes and they told our guide to tell us we needed to dress him more warmly.  I had our guide translate back that we come from a state where it’s not unusual for snow to cover the ground continuously for four straight months, so we’re confident we have him dressed adequately.  Even our guide couldn’t believe it when I told her how much snow Minnesota can get.  Do you drive when that happens, she asked.  Everyone is in a bit of a tizzy this week because Hefei is supposed to get snow, which rarely happens. We're clearly dealing with different definitions of what defines cold.

 

Then the women from the orphanage saw the top of a diaper sticking out from Matteo’s pants and wanted to investigate what he was wearing.  Through our guide they told us he doesn’t like to wear diapers.  We had to explain that he’s wearing a diaper because we had no idea he would be potty-trained and we hadn’t brought him any underwear.  The diaper is also security for us, because we have no idea when he has to go.  We haven’t heard him talk yet, (he’s most likely still shell-shocked) and the women from the orphanage didn’t know what his signals are either. Until we can find some 2T underwear, he'll continue to wear a diaper.  

What we did learn on the subject of toileting is that because Matteo’s foster family didn’t have a toilet, but knew he was going to be adopted, they showed him how to use one whenever they visited the orphanage.  It sounds like such a small thing, but that showed incredible foresight on the host parent's part, and has been so helpful for us as he transitions to our family (and Western practices). 

All the formalities of this morning were lost on Matteo.  He just wanted to play with his cars and color.  And for us, seeing him show an interest in playing and interacting with us was wonderful to see.  What a difference 24 hours make.  We have a long way to go to fully gain his trust, but the baby steps we’ve seen has been so encouraging to us as parents.  We’ve gotten a lot of smiles out of him and even a laugh or two.  He’s been silent since we met him, but today while playing with cars, he voiced what I assume is the Mandarin equivalent of “vroom, vroom.”  

Meanwhile, Matteo slept for over 11 hours last night and has shown a bigger appetite today compared with yesterday when pretty much all he ate was a couple of snacks.  He likes his new sippy cup we got him, but interestingly, he has shown zero interest in his bottle.  That’s fine with us since we’re not used to giving two-year-olds bottles of formula, but I wonder why he abruptly cut himself off. 

He has started to show a preference for Chris, which is a sign of healthy attachment, as it shows us he's learning to trust.  While I understand psychologically what's going on, it's hard on my heart.  Matteo has started to whimper if Chris leaves his sight and whimpers if I hold him, even when he can still see Chris.  As hard as it is to feel a little left out, it is so heart-warming to watch father and son interact.