Kiera, Matteo, Oliver and Soren

Kiera, Matteo, Oliver and Soren

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 - A Year in Facebook Status Updates

January 5
Text at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning from a friend asking about a 9:00 a.m. playdate. No problem. We were already awake and in the middle of breakfast. It's moments like these when I'm reminded how much my life has changed.

January 7
If anyone is interested in joining my St. Paul ECFE class, there's an opening for second semester starting January 28. We meet Mondays from 5:45 - 7:45 p.m. at the Monroe School. Wonderful teachers and super involved parents! Message me if you want more details.

January 17
The kids and I just skyped with Chris in Buenos Aires. I love technology that lets a family chat with each other from separate continents. 

January 21
My husband chose a good time to travel to the other "St. Paul". Today's high is -3 with a windchill of -21 and in Sao Paulo, Brazil, it's 75 degrees, with mid-80s by the end of the week. To add insult to injury, he'll come back tan. 

January 23
Mediating Play-Doh disputes at 7:00 a.m.

February 8
The best part of a stressful week was my not-so-little-baby-anymore snuggling with me in bed this morning so I could get a few extra minutes of rest.  

February 18 
Could be a new Body Pump tricep track. — with Christopher Chesla.

February 24
Never so happy to be doing laundry and cleaning. Chris took the kids to the Science Museum and the house is quiet. Love the sound of silence.

March 19
A rare morning where the kids slept in and I got to eat breakfast in peace.

March 20
I've been telling Oliver since he was born that I'd score a goal for him. I finally scored one at tonight's game. It's about time. 
March 31
Oliver has already figured out that his parents are chocoholics, so after the excitement of surveying the chocolate and other candy the Easter Bunny brought him subsided, he very matter-of-factly announced that he was going to hide his Easter basket so we wouldn't eat his candy. I got the last laugh when he needed my help to open the door with the child-proof lock in order to retrieve his "hidden" basket.  

April 10 
An assist on each of Michelle Weinberg's goals, winning the game and netting $100 in pull-tabs at the bar after the game. Not a bad way to end the season. Thanks to everyone for a great season!  
April 19
April 23
This about sums up how I feel about waking up to a couple inches of snow in late April.
Weather report for the week looks...promising.

June 7 
Oliver is packed up and ready to go on his first camping trip with Dad to Afton State Park. — with Christopher Chesla.

June 9
Ran into a friend at Target who commented that I was without the kids. I probably looked too happy to be at Target so early in the morning, because another shopper smiled and said I must feel like I'm on vacation. $196 later - cheapest vacation ever. 
June 26
 "I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry... I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard’s and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight, seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That’s what Loving, and loving, are all about." 
                                                       - Mildred Loving, June 2007, on the 40th anniversary of the issuance of the Supreme Court's decision in Loving v. Virginia
June 29
I'll be working at the Pride Festival all day today, so stop by the Minnesota Housing booth (table 052 in the orange zone) to say hi if you have a chance!
July 2
Made it almost halfway through my taco at dinner when I realized I'd taken Chris's plate of beef tacos and had consumed my first meat in 15 years. For those who are curious, yes, it tasted good, but, yes, I'm back to being vegetarian.
July 12
The kids visited me at work this morning and Oliver announced to my co-workers that he's a vegetarian. I'm not sure what prompted that, but works for me!
August 19
Flying out to Philadelphia tomorrow, then on to Haddonfield and finally the Jersey Shore. Can't wait to dip my toes in the Atlantic!
August 25
I missed the salt water smell of ocean breezes. — in Ocean City, NJ.
August 30
A very bold seagull stole Soren's snack right out of his hand as he sat on our beach blanket! Soren was traumatized and I thought seagulls were going to be added to the long list of animals he's afraid of. But later on he took off chasing one. In his two-year-old mind, he probably thought he could get his snack back. — at Ocean City, New Jersey.
September 3
After ten years in Minnesota, I finally traveled south of the border. My co-workers took me on a detour on our way to southwestern Minnesota so that I could add Iowa to the states I've visited. — at Sherburn, Iowa.

Photo: After ten years in Minnesota, I finally traveled south of the border.  My co-workers took me on a detour on our way to southwestern Minnesota so that I could add Iowa to the states I've visited. 

September 14
What better way to test the strength of a marriage than to go climbing to celebrate a wedding anniversary. As Chris knotted my climbing ropes in preparation to belay me, I said, "It'd be pretty embarrassing to drop your wife. Does this make you nervous?" "No," was his matter-of-fact answer. Yes, his confidence is one of the many attributes I find attractive about him. Happy 5th anniversary to Christopher Chesla!

September 29
Loads of crafting fun thanks to the grandparents — in Saint Paul, MN.

Photo: Loads of crafting fun thanks to the grandparents

September 29
Happy 4th birthday to our still-little boys! — with Maria Surma Manka and Kenny Lopez.

October 5
Race day for a couple of moms! Good luck Dawn and Kirsten Partenheimer. — with Kirsten Partenheimer.

October 15
St. Paul area folks...if you like to cook and want to bring some variety to what you serve your family, join our meal exchange! We meet monthly to exchange six freezable main courses. Vegan, vegetarian and meat dishes are all represented, so there's something for everyone. It's a great way to meet other families. Message me if you want more details. The next exchange is November 9.

October 25
Took the kids to Ran Ham tonight for their first game of bowling. Dad's score, 135. Oliver's, 101, Soren's 98 and Mom's...84. And that was with bumpers!

November 2
We celebrated Baby Marah last night with delectable desserts, champagne and good company. Congrats Emily Strong and Phil! — with Emily Strong and Devon Pohlman.

November 6
Oliver fell on the floor in a puddle of tears this morning, upset because he had wanted to make a snowman with Daddy. Well, that's one person who's disappointed the 3-6" of snow didn't materialize. We live in Minnesota and it's only November, so there's still hope for him. — with Christopher Chesla.
November 10
Our beloved nanny is leaving! If anyone has leads for a nanny in the St. Paul area who's available full-time and has the stamina for the chaos that comes with taking care of a four-year-old and two-year-old, please message me. Thanks!
November 15
Look who joined us for dinner. Soren sometimes insist we set a place at the table for Snoopy.

November 16
Wishing my brother a great race tomorrow in the Philadelphia Marathon, where he's attempting to qualify for Boston a second time, but this time under the new minimum qualifying time of 3:05. Go Scott!
December 9
The kids started their new daycare this morning. They were doing great and then I just had to sneak one last peak before I left and Soren saw me through the window and burst out crying. Now I wonder how long I have to wait before I can call to get an update without being "that parent". 
December 21
How does Oliver have so much energy? He went skiing for the first time today, sledded for an hour right after skiing and is now planning a puppet show with no signs of slowing down. 
December 22
The professional-sounding singers caroling in Crocus Hill.  How do I get them to come to my house?
December 28
It's a small world. Melissa Vandergriff, a native Texan, who I met in Germany and last hung out with in Warsaw, and who now lives in Cleveland, ran into me on St. Paul's Grand Avenue. Imagine our surprise. 

Monday, December 30, 2013

Mailed the Dossier

Our dossier is on its way to our agency's home office in Michigan.  The guy at UPS probably thought I was crazy when I said I wanted to watch him seal and label the envelope.  I had just finished paying for the shipping when he wished me a good night and held up the open and unaddressed envelope with a look as if to say, "I've got it from here."  Not so fast, I thought.  There's months worth of bureaucracy in that envelope, I explained.  He graciously humored me by slowing down and making sure the two-inch-thick envelope was sealed just right.  When I explained the route all those papers were going to take (Michigan, Washington and eventually China) and their importance, he found a few pieces of thin cardboard in the back room and slipped them inside the envelope so the paperwork with the fancy seals issued by the Secretary of State wouldn't slide around and crease. With all the leaps of faith I knew were involved with adoption, I never thought about the faith I'd have to put in postal systems, both domestically and internationally.  I watched the UPS employee drop our dossier package into a bin and with that, it was on its way. 

Friday, December 27, 2013

Reminders of Heartache

Even while in the forward charge on the path of international adoption, I have not forgotten that I should have been pregnant this whole time.  Some time around now I should have been welcoming my third child into the world.  Today would have been my due date, an especially meaningful date because it would have also been my mom and dad's 44th wedding anniversary.  Today is a reminder that it's possible to be so in awe of the exciting and unexpected path life has taken us while being simultaneously sad for what should have been and what will never be. 

Thursday, December 26, 2013

USCIS Update #4: I-800A Approval

After the let-down last week of learning that we had an additional hoop to jump through before the USCIS would grant us I-800A approval, I was surprised to learn when I called this afternoon that not only had they received our amended home study, (and that it met their approval and they didn't find anything else wrong) but that they had approved our I-800A on Monday.  I was told our I-797 “Approval Notice", the USCIS's formal approval of our I-800A, is in the mail and that we should have it by early next week.

Many of the dossier documents require a state seal, so once I have the I-797, I'll bring a copy of it (we'll need to bring the original with us to China) and everything else to the Secretary of State's office.  Thankfully I live and work in the state capitol, so this will end up being one of the less burdensome tasks in the process.  Since I was born in Pennsylvania, my birth certificate needed a Pennsylvania state seal, which I've already secured. 

After my call to the USCIS, I immediately called our adoption agency to let them know that we are almost finished our dossier.  The dossier team at the national office ran through next steps with me.  Once we overnight the dossier to the national office in Michigan, our work is mainly finished.  (Yay!)  The dossier team reviews our dossier and prepares it for the authentication process, which means that the state seal is authenticated as true and correct by the Chinese government.  Chinese consulate officials in Chicago, I believe, will validate the Secretary of State's seal and add an authentication sticker to each document.  My birth certificate might have to take a side trip to the consulate in New York, which authenticates all documents sealed in Pennsylvania (among other states in the region).  This process takes as long as four weeks, but our Agency hopes to complete this process in as few as two to three weeks. 

Once our dossier is off to China we'll be finished with the "paper chase" and will have arrived at "dossier to China" status, or DTC in the China adoption lingo. 

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas Day Sliding

I've adapted very well to life in Minnesota, so much so that I've been told I sound more like I'm actually from Minnesota and not New Jersey.  Despite all the winters I've lived here, I'd never really picked up on the term "sliding."  I've always called the activity of flying down a snow-covered hill on a sled, well, sledding, but here in Minnesota it's often referred to as sliding.  Meanwhile, according to Minnesotans, the word "sled" also means snowmobile.

So, not to be confused with sledding, we went sliding with the kids this morning.  They had received a brand-new, hand-crafted-in-Canada toboggan they needed to test it out.  (Okay, I really wanted to test out.) While Christmas morning is really lovely because I enjoy watching my pajama-clad kids excitedly open presents and having a leisurely day to spend as a family, the truth is, by mid-morning, everyone is getting a bit stir-crazy.  The toboggan provided our motivation to bundle up and head outdoors for fresh air and exercise. The temperature reached a whopping 28 degrees today, a one-day respite from the Arctic temperatures on either side of Christmas, and it had snowed an additional three inches last night, so it would have been a waste not to enjoy the picture-perfect, white Christmas. 

Oliver has been loving all winter outdoor activities lately.  He had a blast skiing over the weekend and he even begs to be allowed to go outside and help shovel.  Our un-waxed toboggan turned out to be much slower than I thought it would be that I had no qualms about sending the kids down it by themselves.  

Soren never warmed up to sliding this morning.  I don't know if he was cold, or uncomfortable in the bulky layers, or just worn out from the past couple of days, but at best, he tolerated it.  Chris and I still think he has an adventurous spirit, but we're wondering if that spirit will just show in a warmer climates.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Soren was very upset that he didn't get to go skiing, so when he woke up from his nap, I took him sledding.  Since he loved sledding last year, (at 15 months old!) I thought he'd immediately take to it.  It took a few runs down the hill for him to remember, "Oh yeah, this is fun!"  At the end of each run, I'd look at Soren and expect to see a look of terror on his face (he did cry the first slide down the hill), but pretty soon all he had for me were huge grins.  As soon as the sled came to a stop, he hopped off my lap and toddled back towards the top of the hill. 

Oliver's First Time Skiing

Oliver's first day of skiing was a surprising success.  While Oliver enjoys most activities after giving them a try, he can be apprehensive about doing something brand new.  Maybe it was because he knew that his dad has waited since we found out we were having a baby to share his favorite sport with that child, but Oliver first expressed interest in skiing a couple of weeks ago and his enthusiasm hasn't wavered since.  So Chris was determined that this was going to be the winter Oliver learns to ski. 

First thing's first though.  Oliver had to get his skis straight.  When he saw Chris waxing his skis in the garage, he asked him if he was going water skiing (even though it was cold enough that there was snow on the ground). 
 With Oliver prepped, they headed out yesterday afternoon right after Soren went down for his nap. Chris thought he did really well.  Oliver didn't want to take any direction from Dad and instead preferred to learn to ski by trial and error.  Since he didn't know how to stop, Chris reported that he'd ski ten feet and then fall over. However, without crying, whining or complaining, he'd get right back up and keep trying. He wasn't too proud to hold Dad's hand though, so they'd cruise down the hill, hand-in-hand.

The "magic carpet" brings Oliver to the top of the bunny hill.  Chris wasn't ready to attempt a traditional chair lift with him.

Oliver was still full of smiles, even after falling, which he probably did 100 times that afternoon.


Saturday, December 21, 2013

Trying to be a Positive Resource

As always, my friends are so thoughtful to ask about the adoption process when they see me.  And I feel guilty because not only do I rarely have any news to share, (Still working on...Still waiting on...fill in the blank) but I'm usually voicing some source of frustration.  I worry about not being a positive resource for others thinking about pursuing adoption.  I hope others thinking about adopting or just starting the process hear my stories and read my blog and feel more prepared, but I also fear my words could turn them off all at the same time.  Because what this world doesn't need is fewer adoptive parents. 

Maybe when we've brought our child home, I'll look back and not think the frustration and long wait were so bad.  But I don't have that perspective now.  Right now I honestly wonder why there are so many roadblocks and delays in adoption.  We can't control how the process transpires in the sending countries, but we haven't even finished our dossier so that we even have the opportunity to ask China to consider us as adoptive parents, and I think, "There's got to be a better way."  I don't think the adoption process (speaking for international adoption) is getting easier.  I'm afraid more barriers are going up, whether it's long wait times, financial or more bureaucratic hoops (which always results in longer wait time and more money).

The financial cost is also a concern.  If I panic about making it financially through this adoption, can you imagine the foreboding feeling I have thinking about a subsequent adoption, something Chris and I have also talked about?

Despite how frustrated I feel right now, I do hope that our story is a testament to the fact that normal families pursue adoption.  We're not Madonna or Angelina Jolie.  Chris and I are like the thousands of Americans who adopt each year.  They persevered through the process and we will too. 

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Gendered Toys

The only type of toys that annoy me more than those that beep, light up or incessantly play music over and over and over again or the toys that have been "genderfied."  Toy makers "genderfy" toys you would never think of as associated with one gender or another by splashing them in pink or pastel colors. 

Legos ignited a backlash two Christmases ago when it released a new line of Legos designed for girls.  For a toy I loved playing with as a kid, this new version is unrecognizable to me.  Where are the blocks?

Lego “For Girls” “Friends” Ad, 2013
legos-friends1

The perplexing issue for me is that Legos were already designed for girls.  The ad below, from my era, are the blocks I remember. 


Lego “For Girls” Ad, circa 1981
lego_ad_1981


Sadly, what a contrast with today's ad.  The 1981 ad highlights using creativity.  The girl is just a kid and isn't dolled up, over-sexualized or sporting a mini skirt.  Meanwhile, Legos managed to feature a girl to sell their product without a speck of pink or lavender in the entire ad. 

Another image went viral on Facebook recently.  I wish toy marketers could follow this simple advice. 

boys girls toys



Wednesday, December 18, 2013

USCIS Update #3: Request for Evidence

On Monday I felt uplifted.  Our social worker had followed up with the USCIS on our behalf and e-mailed us that our I-800A application had been forwarded to an immigration officer.  It had been 68 days of waiting.  I was feeling confident that our I-800A approval was imminent.  I couldn't fathom what they could find wrong with our application. 

I read the e-mail at my desk on Tuesday and let out an audible "No!"  The USCIS put a "Request for Evidence" on our application because they consider our nanny a household member and therefore requires her to undergo an interview with our social worker and biometrics with the USCIS.  The e-mail our social worker forwarded us from the immigration officer might as well have said, "Your adoption has been put on hold for the unforeseeable future."  I felt defeated as I thought about the few week's wait we had for the USCIS to issue the date for our biometrics appointment, the cold and snow that makes traversing the metro area for an in-person interview a nightmare and my nanny's new job where she had inflexible work hours and no leave yet accrued. 

I immediately called our social worker, but didn't reach her.  Then I noticed the immigration officer listed a phone number at the bottom of her e-mail, so I called her.  I explained that our nanny never lived with us and that she coincidentally no longer worked for us.  The officer said that by law, if a person provides childcare in your home, that person is considered a household member.  But if she no longer worked for us, we could send a letter explaining such and she'd accept a scanned copy of the letter.  However, since our home study mentioned the nanny, we need to have that amended.  Our social worker completed the amendment that afternoon, but the person who needs to sign off on it isn't back in the office until tomorrow.  Then it needs to be mailed to Chris and me, so we can sign it, mailed back to our agency and then back to the USCIS.  Which means it won't make it onto the immigration officer's desk until after Christmas.  Ugh. 

Other than shuffling a bunch of papers back and forth, and the waiting, the upside is upside is that this resolution requires little work on our part and doesn't inconvenience our former nanny.  Despite the low I felt yesterday, I'm now confident we'll have our I-800A approval around the start of the new year and we'll finally see the completion of our dossier. 

Saturday, December 14, 2013

It Happened...

We're now a minivan family.  I'll admit I used to be the one to mock minivans.  I thought they represented over-indulgence and were a cliché of America's suburban car culture.  And then I had kids and grew to accept how practical they are.  Within a year and a half, I went from driving a compact car, to a station wagon and now to a minivan. 

I loved my Corolla, but two car seats in the back turned a fiver-seater into a four-seater because there wasn't enough room left in the middle for anyone to sit.  Rear-facing seats pushed front seats dangerously close to the dashboard and a double stroller took up the entire trunk.  In some ways, our Subaru Outback wasn't much better.  The all-wheel drive drove better in winter conditions than the Corolla and the trunk was bigger, but the passenger seating, at least on our 2006 model, was no bigger than in the Corolla. 

The minivan has features I think only people who've driven with kids can appreciate.  I think the feature I'll love the most is the automatic sliding passengers doors.  The kids can hop in and wait in the safety of the car, instead of a parking lot or the side of the street, while they wait for me to buckle them in. 

What really drove us to a minivan, though, is the reality that our family is getting bigger.  Faced with expensive repairs to the Subaru, if we had to replace the car, we had to think about the needs of our family in the future.  If we have a third child a year from now, we probably would have ended up with a minivan at that point, so why delay the inevitable?


I was sad to say goodbye to Subaru.  This was the car we brought both of our kids home from the hospital in. 


Friday, December 13, 2013

First Week of Daycare

Forgetting that the his teachers were standing right behind me, I said to Soren with my most excited tone of voice, "You survived your first week of daycare!"  They chuckled at my attempt to be positive, but for my brave little boy, it was a big week. 

Monday's drop-off went a little better than I had expected.  Oliver shed a few last-minute tears and Soren didn't even cry.  I blew it though when I walked past Soren's classroom and couldn't resist one little peak.  The window to the classroom door was covered in decorations and I bent down and peered through a narrow, uncovered section of the window and he saw me and burst out crying!  As the assistant teacher tried comforting him, my cover was blown when I heard the lead teacher call out to her, "He saw his mom!" 

The second morning Soren cried as I brought him into his classroom and by the third morning, he would cry as soon as I pulled up in front of the daycare center.  Oliver also grew progressively clingier at drop-off as the week went on.  While his adjustment has been easier than Soren's, I think he can take only so many new things at one time and learning about a class field trip or special music class caused him a lot of fretting.  We can leave notes for the teachers at drop-off and Oliver requested I write his teacher to let her know he was worried about music class.  She reported back that in typical Oliver fashion, he didn't want to participate at first, only watch, and chose to sit on his teacher's lap instead.  Once he had enough time to survey the scene, he eventually joined the other kids and enjoyed the rest of class.

Transitions are hard times of day for the kids, whether it's getting ready for nap time, going to a new activity or seeing other parents arrive to pick of their kids.  Not only is Soren learning to nap in a new place, but without his pacifier, which means his naps have been short or non-existent and he comes home wipes and ready for an early bedtime. 

And for all the tears that have been shed this week, the kids have overall liked their daycare.  Their teachers are full of reports of all the activities they enjoyed and stories of them laughing and playing with the kids and teachers.  Soren one of his teachers unprompted and in a game he learned from his dad and grandpa, ran up to another teacher, tickled her and ran away laughing.   

As for my transition to the new routine of the kids going to daycare, it's gone better than I thought.  I'm actually getting to work earlier than I did with the nanny. I worried about getting them out of the house in time in the morning, but I realized much of my morning routine is still the same.  Even when we had a nanny, most days I had the kids dressed and fed by the time she arrived.  Since daycare provides breakfast, I just feed them a "breakfast snack" while I get ready and then we head out the door for the short drive to daycare.  Our evening routine is more challenging though than it had been since dinners will require more preplanning and prep and that will take time to figure out.  And since Chris will be doing pick-up, he'll have more responsibilities for dinner than he's ever had. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

USCIS Update #2

We are sitting at 60+ days waiting for our I-800A approval from the USCIS. Friends and family ask with genuine curiosity how the adoption process, and honestly, I have no new news to report.  We simply sit and wait. 

The Christmas season has kept me very busy, but secretly, I am impatient and frustrated.  I've become obsessed with the I-800A approval time frames of other families whose blogs I follow.  I wondered why families even as early as this fall were getting their approvals in 4-6 weeks.  The only way I can satiate my curiosity is to call the USCIS. 

After my persistence during my call two weeks ago when I navigated a complicated automated phone tree, spent multiple minutes on hold and was transferred numerous times, I at least now have a direct phone number to the right department within the agency.  The man I spoke to was very friendly and seemed sincere in his understanding of everyone's desire to bring their children home as quickly as possible, but he couldn't provide any more information than what I learned when I last checked in and that was that our file hasn't yet been transferred to an immigration officer.  But I did get a possible explanation for our wait. Apparently they get slammed with requests at Christmas since many sending countries shut down at some point in the months of December and January.  (China's Lunar New Year, the biggest celebration of the year, occurs between January 30 and February 5, and workplaces close.)  Adoptive parents farther along in the process are under a time crunch to get their final immigration approvals for their children.  

Despite my impatience, I trust that within time, we'll have our approval and this wait will seem like a distant memory. 

Friday, December 6, 2013

Sankt Nikolaustag

The Facebook post of a friend who recently moved to Leipzig, Germany tugged at my nostalgia for the innocence of childhood and a tradition brought from my short time in Switzerland. 

"Walking up the Leipzig apartment stairs last night, shoes filled with goodies waited quietly outside doors where children live."   


Sankt Nikolaus managed to make it from Leipzig to St. Paul last night to fill two additional pairs of shoes.  Oliver and Soren woke up to shoes filled with chocolate coins, clementines and GORP, an Americanized nod to the traditional nuts, dried fruit and chocolate children in northern Europe receive. 


Each boy also received an extra gift from Sankt Nikolaus this year - a book.  I decided to move the Book on Every Bed, an initiative to promote reading by giving children a new book on Christmas morning, to St. Nicholas Day.  Since I like to gift Christmas-themed books, I thought it made more sense for the kids to receive the books before Christmas.  Now they'll have some more time to enjoy One-Dog Sleigh and Little Santa