There are days I leave work not relieved my work day is over. Because it technically isn't. Once I leave my office, I'm preparing to start my second shift at home. As any parent knows, work is never really over.
I love my family, but being a parent is hard work. Relentless hard work. I'm tired a lot of the time because there are never enough hours in the day to do everything I need to do, let alone what I want to do. My second shift at home is faster-paced than any day at the office. I feel the pressure to simultaneously greet my children and hear about their day, make dinner, clean up the day's mess so we can eat at a clean dining room table, set the table and comfort my children, who inevitably start squabbling while I'm trying to make dinner. And that's all before dinner!
The rare nights that dinner is peaceful, meaning the kids have no complaints about what's for dinner and happily eat it, is really just like being in the eye of a hurricane. It's a brief respite from the craziness where I maybe sit in my chair for ten minutes and actually eat. Often well before I've eaten my last bite of dinner, the kids are finished and I'm directing them to clear their plates and clean-up begins. There are plates to scrape, a dishwasher to load (thank goodness for this modern invention!), pots and pans to scrub, a filthy dining room table and chairs to wipe down, a floor to sweep and trash to take out.
The third hurdle of the evening is bedtime. Four children who need to change into their pajamas, go to the bathroom and brush their teeth. As we settle into my bed to read four bedtime stories, I'm assessing their likeliness of falling asleep quickly and how many trips back into their rooms I'll need to make to ask them to settle down or refill a water bottle or give another hug. That's because post-kid-bedtime and pre-my-bedtime is my sacred time to finish cleaning up and maybe have some time to myself to decompress.
This is what my second shift is like night after night.
The hardest part for me as a parent is to not stress out over the chaos of being pulled in too many directions. It's hard to ignore the guilt for what I don't have time to do or what I feel I should be doing when all I want to do is relax. I know this is just a phase when my kids are so little and need me to do so much for them and that one day, sooner than I can possibly imagine at this point in my life, the house will be quiet and there will be no more second shift.
Kiera, Matteo, Oliver and Soren
Friday, July 17, 2015
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Cleft Palate Repair Follow-Up
If you had asked me a month ago how Matteo has been doing since his cleft palate repair in March, I would have told you we were expecting another surgery in the fall. While much of his palate did heal like the doctor said it would, even after it looked like it was falling apart a week after surgery, his palate still has a sizable hole and any time he sneezed, lots of food shot out of his nose. Then one day I realized I couldn't remember the last time I had wiped his nose and I began to have a glimmer of hope that another surgery wasn't necessarily a given.
Last week Matteo had an appointment with the craniofacial surgeon and a craniofacial speech language pathologist at Gillette's. The pathologist sat on the floor of her office and using toys, books, pictures and games, enticed Matteo through a series of exercises to evaluate what sounds he can and can't make. He was a model patient in that he was eager to please and very curious. He loved the attention and had no idea he was at therapy.
The surgeon believed that the hole I could see in the hard palate is a fistula, which means it goes through both the oral and nasal palates, because the pathologist had observed moderate hypernasality in Matteo when he talked. Ideally there would be no fistula, but the presentation of one isn't necessarily a problem if nothing is coming out of a child's nose and a child can speak clearly. The fact that we have seen a significant decrease in anything coming of Matteo's nose is a very promising sign. Of course we don't know yet how his speech will progress until we've given speech therapy some time. Thus the surgeon wants Matteo to continue speech therapy for six months and reassess his degree of hypernasality. If there isn't enough improvement, he will probably need the fistula repaired this winter.
Last week Matteo had an appointment with the craniofacial surgeon and a craniofacial speech language pathologist at Gillette's. The pathologist sat on the floor of her office and using toys, books, pictures and games, enticed Matteo through a series of exercises to evaluate what sounds he can and can't make. He was a model patient in that he was eager to please and very curious. He loved the attention and had no idea he was at therapy.
The surgeon believed that the hole I could see in the hard palate is a fistula, which means it goes through both the oral and nasal palates, because the pathologist had observed moderate hypernasality in Matteo when he talked. Ideally there would be no fistula, but the presentation of one isn't necessarily a problem if nothing is coming out of a child's nose and a child can speak clearly. The fact that we have seen a significant decrease in anything coming of Matteo's nose is a very promising sign. Of course we don't know yet how his speech will progress until we've given speech therapy some time. Thus the surgeon wants Matteo to continue speech therapy for six months and reassess his degree of hypernasality. If there isn't enough improvement, he will probably need the fistula repaired this winter.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Starting Speech Therapy
This week starts speech therapy for both Kiera and Matteo. I'm relieved they have finally been evaluated and recommended for therapy because I know they need the extra support. Too many people have made excuses for them because "they're still learning the language." I think everyone who has interacted with my kids has really low expectations because they can't wrap
their minds around these children
moving around the world to a new family, language and culture. And then they see two happy, well-adjusted kids and probably think, what more could I want from them?
We underestimate being able to communicate, especially in young children who've gotten by so far with a lot of pointing and smiles. Whether you're deaf and communicate with sign language or are hearing and communicate with spoken language, having the ability to communicate with other human beings impacts our happiness, our friendships and our learning.
While I never lost hope that Kiera and Matteo would experience an English-language explosion, my gut told me ignoring the problem wasn't going to help. I know that if my children were speaking Chinese, they'd have the ability to learn English, and that they should be able to pick up words in a new language quickly, even if it takes up to two years to catch up to native-speakers. The reality is that my children spoke no more than five words in Chinese when an almost-three-year-old like Kiera should have been jabbering away. Some children leave China already speaking a couple words in English, whereas as at five months home, my children don't use more than five words in English to communicate. We have recently heard them imitate words or randomly say a word, but not in context to communicate a need or want.
For awhile I tried to stay patient. Matteo needed surgery on his palate and wasn't physically able to say most sounds without a repaired palate. Both children were diagnosed with conductive hearing loss, which we addressed through surgery and they passed their repeat audiology test one month later. It was in the weeks following their surgeries that I really had hope that just any day now their language would come together, but it never did.
I contacted Help Me Grow, a state-funded program that provides free therapy services for children from birth to age five. Matteo easily qualified, and starts his first session this week, but since Kiera is over age three, it's harder to qualify for services and we'll need to wait until the fall to have her reevaluated.
I also asked a fellow China adoptive mom in my area where her boys with cleft lip and palate go for speech therapy, and in addition to working with Help Me Grow, she recommended doubling up on therapy by also working with Gillette Children's Hospital, where Matteo had his palate surgery. Kiera started her first session this week and we're in the process of scheduling Matteo with a therapist who works specifically with kids with cleft lip and palate.
Therapists with both programs cautioned me that they're not miracle workers and that speech therapy takes commitment and time. This is especially true for Matteo since kids with cleft lip and palate typically need years of speech therapy. But we're now doing something proactive to support their speech development and that makes me feel better than if we were doing nothing at all.
And that my children are able to attend their recommended appointments I owe all to my mother-in-law, Nan. Each child will have one to two appointments through Help Me Grow and Gillette's each week, which means there could be some weeks in the fall when we have a total of eight therapy appointments scheduled. Without Nan's offer to take them, the reality for our two-working-parent household is that we would not be able to pull off that level of therapy. And that's even though I work ten minutes from home and five minutes from the hospital and have an incredibly flexible workplace.
In addition to bringing Kiera and Matteo to their appointments, my mother-in-law takes incredible notes. The evening of Kiera's first appointment, Nan e-mailed Chris, me and our au pair a summary of the session, the ten words in sign language we need to learn and practice with Kiera and links to a website to learn the signs. (Sign language foster language development by giving non-verbal children a way to communicate.) Chris and I may not have been able to make the appointment, but Nan made sure we didn't miss a thing.
Now let's see if we can teach Kiera one more sign before her next appointment.
We underestimate being able to communicate, especially in young children who've gotten by so far with a lot of pointing and smiles. Whether you're deaf and communicate with sign language or are hearing and communicate with spoken language, having the ability to communicate with other human beings impacts our happiness, our friendships and our learning.
While I never lost hope that Kiera and Matteo would experience an English-language explosion, my gut told me ignoring the problem wasn't going to help. I know that if my children were speaking Chinese, they'd have the ability to learn English, and that they should be able to pick up words in a new language quickly, even if it takes up to two years to catch up to native-speakers. The reality is that my children spoke no more than five words in Chinese when an almost-three-year-old like Kiera should have been jabbering away. Some children leave China already speaking a couple words in English, whereas as at five months home, my children don't use more than five words in English to communicate. We have recently heard them imitate words or randomly say a word, but not in context to communicate a need or want.
For awhile I tried to stay patient. Matteo needed surgery on his palate and wasn't physically able to say most sounds without a repaired palate. Both children were diagnosed with conductive hearing loss, which we addressed through surgery and they passed their repeat audiology test one month later. It was in the weeks following their surgeries that I really had hope that just any day now their language would come together, but it never did.
I contacted Help Me Grow, a state-funded program that provides free therapy services for children from birth to age five. Matteo easily qualified, and starts his first session this week, but since Kiera is over age three, it's harder to qualify for services and we'll need to wait until the fall to have her reevaluated.
I also asked a fellow China adoptive mom in my area where her boys with cleft lip and palate go for speech therapy, and in addition to working with Help Me Grow, she recommended doubling up on therapy by also working with Gillette Children's Hospital, where Matteo had his palate surgery. Kiera started her first session this week and we're in the process of scheduling Matteo with a therapist who works specifically with kids with cleft lip and palate.
Therapists with both programs cautioned me that they're not miracle workers and that speech therapy takes commitment and time. This is especially true for Matteo since kids with cleft lip and palate typically need years of speech therapy. But we're now doing something proactive to support their speech development and that makes me feel better than if we were doing nothing at all.
And that my children are able to attend their recommended appointments I owe all to my mother-in-law, Nan. Each child will have one to two appointments through Help Me Grow and Gillette's each week, which means there could be some weeks in the fall when we have a total of eight therapy appointments scheduled. Without Nan's offer to take them, the reality for our two-working-parent household is that we would not be able to pull off that level of therapy. And that's even though I work ten minutes from home and five minutes from the hospital and have an incredibly flexible workplace.
In addition to bringing Kiera and Matteo to their appointments, my mother-in-law takes incredible notes. The evening of Kiera's first appointment, Nan e-mailed Chris, me and our au pair a summary of the session, the ten words in sign language we need to learn and practice with Kiera and links to a website to learn the signs. (Sign language foster language development by giving non-verbal children a way to communicate.) Chris and I may not have been able to make the appointment, but Nan made sure we didn't miss a thing.
Now let's see if we can teach Kiera one more sign before her next appointment.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Summer in Minnesota
With summer here, we don't see much of our au pair Marcel anymore. He's got a close group of friends, a new girlfriend, and just a few weeks left. I chat with him for a few minutes in the morning as I hand the kids off to him for the day and Chris sees him at the end of the day, but by the time I get home, Marcel is already on his way out the door to the gym or to hang out with friends at the lake. We're left to communicate in the best way one can with a 23-year-old and that's through texting. I'll occasionally check in and let him know where we are or when we're going to be home and he respectfully does the same.
One weekend with particularly gorgeous weather, we didn't see him between the end of his shift on Friday afternoon and until Monday morning when I headed out the door to work. We had heard him, but he was like a ship passing in the night. We had just settled into bed one of those nights when we heard our front door open and then the downstairs shower go on, and we'd know he was home, but for just long enough to clean up and head out again for the night. The next morning there was no sign of him and we assumed he had slept at a friend's house.
I texted him later in the day to check whether he would be home for dinner. He wouldn't, he replied. He and his friends were still at the lake, enjoying the sunshine. Then he texted again. "To be honest, I love Minnesota. I have never enjoyed summer so much. :)"
That text made me so proud of my state. Not surprisingly, Marcel had never heard of Minnesota when we first interviewed him. A lot of au pairs hold out for California, New York or maybe Florida while interviewing. Or at least a state they've heard of. But Marcel had taken the advice that the family is better than location to heart, even if he admitted to us later that he kept having to repeat "family over location" to himself while interviewing with us. He kept an open mind though and agreed to make Minnesota his home for a year.
I am thrilled Marcel has discovered what makes this state tick and appreciates Minnesota for what it is. Yes, we have cold winters, but that just means you'll appreciate those hot summers that much more. Like the rest of the population, he spends as much time as he can outside, with his favorite location being anywhere lakeside. He takes every opportunity he has to go water skiing and has used our grill to make an alfresco dinner more often than we have. Although Minnesota isn't a hot tourist destination or doesn't have the California or New York cool factor, Marcel understands why people like to live here and why Chris and I are happy to raise our children here.
One weekend with particularly gorgeous weather, we didn't see him between the end of his shift on Friday afternoon and until Monday morning when I headed out the door to work. We had heard him, but he was like a ship passing in the night. We had just settled into bed one of those nights when we heard our front door open and then the downstairs shower go on, and we'd know he was home, but for just long enough to clean up and head out again for the night. The next morning there was no sign of him and we assumed he had slept at a friend's house.
I texted him later in the day to check whether he would be home for dinner. He wouldn't, he replied. He and his friends were still at the lake, enjoying the sunshine. Then he texted again. "To be honest, I love Minnesota. I have never enjoyed summer so much. :)"
That text made me so proud of my state. Not surprisingly, Marcel had never heard of Minnesota when we first interviewed him. A lot of au pairs hold out for California, New York or maybe Florida while interviewing. Or at least a state they've heard of. But Marcel had taken the advice that the family is better than location to heart, even if he admitted to us later that he kept having to repeat "family over location" to himself while interviewing with us. He kept an open mind though and agreed to make Minnesota his home for a year.
I am thrilled Marcel has discovered what makes this state tick and appreciates Minnesota for what it is. Yes, we have cold winters, but that just means you'll appreciate those hot summers that much more. Like the rest of the population, he spends as much time as he can outside, with his favorite location being anywhere lakeside. He takes every opportunity he has to go water skiing and has used our grill to make an alfresco dinner more often than we have. Although Minnesota isn't a hot tourist destination or doesn't have the California or New York cool factor, Marcel understands why people like to live here and why Chris and I are happy to raise our children here.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
4th of July Weekend
With Chris up at the cabin for his brother's bachelor party, and our au pair, Marcel, away camping, the kids and I had a low-key Fourth of July weekend. We had just enough on our calendars to not make a three-day weekend alone with the kids feel daunting, but also plenty of downtime to enjoy the lazy days of summer.
I was most excited about taking Kiera and Matteo strawberry-picking for the first time. I wanted them to experience what is possibly my favorite part of summer - that first taste of a juicy Minnesotan-grown, freshly-picked strawberry warmed by the sun.
Strawberry-picking has become my Fourth of July tradition to do with my children. I love being able to set them loose in a field of strawberries and let them pick and eat as many berries as their hearts desire. Just like with Oliver and Soren, it took some time for Kiera and Matteo to get the hang of picking berries, but eventually I didn't need to help them look under the leaves for the berries or instruct them to only pick the red ones. They quietly and happily searched for berries to pick and munched as they went.
Thankfully the weather was not hot, so even though we were out in the sun all morning with no shade, it was still pleasant. And that means we weren't spent before the afternoon rolled around, because our neighbors were hosting one of their epic barbecues later in the afternoon.
You may think that "epic" is an overkill description for a barbecue, but when they host, you're guaranteed excellent food served with a side of shenanigans. They're reasonably quiet and unassuming people, but then they do things like rent a dunk tank for a barbecue. Clearly these Yooper transplants know how to have a good time.
When Chris heard about the dunk tank, he told the kids that they could try to dunk me. Somehow this rumor that I would willingly sit on a spring-loaded board above a tank of cold water spread among party guests and I wondered how long I could hold off everyone's "encouragement" to be the next volunteer. To my surprise, Oliver wanted to give the dunk tank a try.
My once shy and timid Oliver loved it! This is just one of many recent example of how adventurous he has gotten in the last year.
Some of the other kids were curious enough about the dunk tank to climb in it, but no one else actually wanted to be dunked, so the tank turned into a glorified kiddie pool until the adults had had enough to drink to the point where they also thought the dunk tank was a good idea.
Eventually it got way too late for my four to be still awake and they were so disappointed they had to leave before the S'mores (but, for the record, well after they'd gotten plenty of other dessert). Soren kept screaming at me, "I'M NOT TIRED!!!," which as any parent knows, means he was really tired. I've never seen him glare so hard at me when I put him to bed. I went next door to get Oliver and found neighbor gathering firewood for the bonfire and Oliver rallying everyone with, "Let's get this fire started!" Again, my once shy little boy is coming out of his shell!
Although the barbecue went into the wee hours of the morning, I had to call it a night once the kids were in bed. I needed my energy to finish the weekend strong.
My mother-in-law came the following morning to take the kids to the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum. She even packed lunches for the kids so when she showed up, all I had to do was hand her the keys to our minivan and off she went. While the kids the very non-traditional garden exhibit of giant Lego sculptures, I had hours to myself alone in my own house. That time went by way too quickly.
We didn't actually take part in any traditional 4th of July activities that day, like a barbecue or fireworks. The sun doesn't even set until 9:00 p.m. at this time of year and there's no way the kids could stay awake that late. Plus the noise would terrify them. Long after the kids had fallen asleep, I lay in my bed and could see fireworks from my window, a window that didn't exist this time last year since our renovation had yet to begin. I watched the last of the fireworks explode above the trees and finally fell asleep.
On Sunday morning we packed up and went to the Tamarack Nature Center, where we spent hours digging in the sand and water at the natural play area. I love this place as much as the kids to. It's full of sand to dig in, water to fill your pails with and boulders to climb on. Presumably it would have been busier if it weren't a holiday weekend, because we mostly had the place to ourselves.
I wish we could have stayed longer, but we had only packed a picnic lunch and not a picnic dinner. Plus we had to get home for the women's World Cup Final!
My sister-in-law came over and made us a yummy Mexican dinner. I rushed through baths while she started dinner. I sent the kids down to the basement while Danielle and I cleaned up. In a 90-minute game, chances of something happening the first few minutes is not likely, especially in a game of this importance where teams will probably start off playing conservatively. I came downstairs at minute nine and anyone who follows soccer will know that I had missed the beginning of World Cup history.
Thankfully Carli put a third ball in the net so that I could see at least one of her goals live.
I had a wonderful weekend, but my gosh, by the time Monday morning rolled around, I was exhausted!
I was most excited about taking Kiera and Matteo strawberry-picking for the first time. I wanted them to experience what is possibly my favorite part of summer - that first taste of a juicy Minnesotan-grown, freshly-picked strawberry warmed by the sun.
Strawberry-picking has become my Fourth of July tradition to do with my children. I love being able to set them loose in a field of strawberries and let them pick and eat as many berries as their hearts desire. Just like with Oliver and Soren, it took some time for Kiera and Matteo to get the hang of picking berries, but eventually I didn't need to help them look under the leaves for the berries or instruct them to only pick the red ones. They quietly and happily searched for berries to pick and munched as they went.
You may think that "epic" is an overkill description for a barbecue, but when they host, you're guaranteed excellent food served with a side of shenanigans. They're reasonably quiet and unassuming people, but then they do things like rent a dunk tank for a barbecue. Clearly these Yooper transplants know how to have a good time.
When Chris heard about the dunk tank, he told the kids that they could try to dunk me. Somehow this rumor that I would willingly sit on a spring-loaded board above a tank of cold water spread among party guests and I wondered how long I could hold off everyone's "encouragement" to be the next volunteer. To my surprise, Oliver wanted to give the dunk tank a try.
My once shy and timid Oliver loved it! This is just one of many recent example of how adventurous he has gotten in the last year.
Some of the other kids were curious enough about the dunk tank to climb in it, but no one else actually wanted to be dunked, so the tank turned into a glorified kiddie pool until the adults had had enough to drink to the point where they also thought the dunk tank was a good idea.
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| My neighbor is very "thorough". Why light sparklers with a match when you have a propane torch? |
Although the barbecue went into the wee hours of the morning, I had to call it a night once the kids were in bed. I needed my energy to finish the weekend strong.
My mother-in-law came the following morning to take the kids to the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum. She even packed lunches for the kids so when she showed up, all I had to do was hand her the keys to our minivan and off she went. While the kids the very non-traditional garden exhibit of giant Lego sculptures, I had hours to myself alone in my own house. That time went by way too quickly.
We didn't actually take part in any traditional 4th of July activities that day, like a barbecue or fireworks. The sun doesn't even set until 9:00 p.m. at this time of year and there's no way the kids could stay awake that late. Plus the noise would terrify them. Long after the kids had fallen asleep, I lay in my bed and could see fireworks from my window, a window that didn't exist this time last year since our renovation had yet to begin. I watched the last of the fireworks explode above the trees and finally fell asleep.
On Sunday morning we packed up and went to the Tamarack Nature Center, where we spent hours digging in the sand and water at the natural play area. I love this place as much as the kids to. It's full of sand to dig in, water to fill your pails with and boulders to climb on. Presumably it would have been busier if it weren't a holiday weekend, because we mostly had the place to ourselves.
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| Add caption |
My sister-in-law came over and made us a yummy Mexican dinner. I rushed through baths while she started dinner. I sent the kids down to the basement while Danielle and I cleaned up. In a 90-minute game, chances of something happening the first few minutes is not likely, especially in a game of this importance where teams will probably start off playing conservatively. I came downstairs at minute nine and anyone who follows soccer will know that I had missed the beginning of World Cup history.
Thankfully Carli put a third ball in the net so that I could see at least one of her goals live.
I had a wonderful weekend, but my gosh, by the time Monday morning rolled around, I was exhausted!
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Paid Parental Leave in the News
I got a call from a reporter on Monday morning and saw this news story posted this morning: Minnesota State Employees Seek Paid Parental Leave. Pretty cool, even if I find it difficult to listen to a recording of my voice. But I'll talk to as many people as it takes to get the word out on this issue.
Since I'm not directly involved in union contract negotiations, I don't know what our chances are in successfully negotiating paid parental leave. At least we have a shot, which isn't the case in other states. After I finished reading the article on Minnesota's negotiations, another headline caught my eye: Report: MI Needs Family-Friendly Jobs, Not Anti-Family Policies. The Michigan state legislature recently passed legislation prohibiting local governments from enacting ordinances that would require employers to provide paid or unpaid leave. Sadly, other states have passed similar legislation, including our neighbor, Wisconsin.
Since I'm not directly involved in union contract negotiations, I don't know what our chances are in successfully negotiating paid parental leave. At least we have a shot, which isn't the case in other states. After I finished reading the article on Minnesota's negotiations, another headline caught my eye: Report: MI Needs Family-Friendly Jobs, Not Anti-Family Policies. The Michigan state legislature recently passed legislation prohibiting local governments from enacting ordinances that would require employers to provide paid or unpaid leave. Sadly, other states have passed similar legislation, including our neighbor, Wisconsin.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Thoughts on Adopting Two
Adopting two unrelated children is so controversial in the adoption world that many agencies don't allow it and even some of those that do only allow it under special circumstances, such as in the case where two children were raised in the same orphanage or foster family. Opponents of two at once claim that this scenario raises the chance of disruption; (meaning, not going through with the adoption in-country or placing the child for adoption once home) although, our first agency, which had a rule against adopting two at once, couldn't provide any data or research supporting their stance. Other reasons include the belief that adoptive parents can't adequately meet the needs (emotional, time, medical) of two newly-adopted children, or might favor the "easier" child over the more "difficult" child. And there's the idea that every child, especially one from difficult background, deserves to be the center of attention as the newest member of the family. I think these are important issues to consider and adopting two unrelated children shouldn't be taken lightly, but I don't think we can make a blanket statement that adopting two at once is a bad choice.
Why did we decide to do it despite the controversy? The simple answer is that we wanted four children. We had two children already, so when we decided to adopt, two more instead of one more felt right. That’s just honestly where my heart was. Plus we thought it would be a benefit to our children to be adopted at the same time since they would have a shared background and they would have each other through the transition. And since there wouldn't be a second adoption, we wouldn't have to make the tough decision about when is a good time to leave behind a child still relatively new to the family to adopt another child.
The more complicated reasons are ones that are unpopular admissions in the adoption community. We wanted two more children, but did we did not think we could go through with a second adoption down the line, and it was cheaper to adopt two at once than to adopt two separately. Admitting this has prompted knee-jerk reactions from a few adoptive parents who have accused me of treating human beings like a commodity or have implied we are weak for being fearful of a second adoption process or not willing to make what they think is the required sacrifice.
The reality of our adoption process was that it was long, unpredictable and emotionally-draining. It was taking its toll on my sanity as I tried to stay on top of the paperwork and track the next steps in the process and avoid unnecessary delays. Even when unavoidable delays happened, I still felt like a failure. Managing the process and obsessing over planning for the future left less time for the family I already had and that made me sad. As unlikely as it would be for a “stable” adoption program like China's, I still worried that without notice, China would suddenly say no to our request to adopt or would shut down the whole program has happened in Russia, Vietnam, Guatemala and many other countries. Even if we completed one adoption from China, there was no guarantee we'd be able to adopt from China again in the future. I saw enough changes in the 20 months we were in process to question whether anyone could predict what the program will look like in the near future. Even if Chris and I mustered the stamina to pursue another adoption, I don't know if my in-laws could do it. The reality is that we wouldn't have been able to adopt if my in-laws hadn't taken care of Oliver and Soren. It was a lot to ask of them to take care of two young children for over three weeks while we were 14 time zones away. I didn’t think we could ask that of them again, but this time take care of three children.
The other factor that played into whether we would do two separate adoptions or two at once is something that no one really wants to admit plays a role - money. Adoption is expensive. There’s no way around that. Everyone who works to facilitate an adoption, whether in the U.S. or China, needs to get paid. My checkbook barely had a chance to cool down before another fee was due. And that was just for the adoption. We also had to travel to China. My jaw dropped when our agency informed us of our travel costs. Yes, the cost was higher because we were adopting two, and from different provinces, (our longer stay meant extra nights in a hotel, extra days of guides and additional meals in restaurants) but many of the costs, like plane tickets, were sunk costs.
The weeks and months following adoption can be really expensive too because of all the medical appointments. These expenses coincided with my paid leave running out a month after we got home from China. We anticipated this, planned accordingly and made it work. But it was still a financially difficult time to go for weeks without an income on the heels of a very expensive adoption. Now that we're finished building our family, I'm really relieved to be able to work back towards being more financially stable.
We didn't go into adoption unprepared and we didn't make the decision lightly to adopt two unrelated children. We took our trainings, read books, followed blogs and talked with other adoptive families, including those who have adopted two at once. Those families in particular didn't sugar-coat anything, but their stories also contained a lot of joy and no regret.
Most importantly, though, we thought about what worked for our family. Having four children so close in age sounds overwhelming to most people, but to us, it was comforting because we feel like experts in this age range because we've been living it every day.
Was it all worth it even though it was hard? Of course it was. I have Kiera and Matteo. Not just one of them, both of them. I can't imagine having only one of them and not the other. They both complete our family.
Just as I had imagined, I'm thankful they have each other. Matteo may have slept through our first meeting with Kiera and was unsure of what was going on when he woke up, but by the time we made it to the playground later that afternoon, he realized that his new sister was an awesome playmate and their relationship has remained strong ever since. Sometimes too strong. Rarely a night goes by that I don't hear them squealing with delight in their bedroom and jumping around the room after lights out.
I recognize that not everyone's adoption goes so seamlessly, whether they're adopting one or two, but in a community where our mantra is "prepare for the worst and hope for the best," I want to share a story that has turned out better than we could have hoped for.
Why did we decide to do it despite the controversy? The simple answer is that we wanted four children. We had two children already, so when we decided to adopt, two more instead of one more felt right. That’s just honestly where my heart was. Plus we thought it would be a benefit to our children to be adopted at the same time since they would have a shared background and they would have each other through the transition. And since there wouldn't be a second adoption, we wouldn't have to make the tough decision about when is a good time to leave behind a child still relatively new to the family to adopt another child.
The more complicated reasons are ones that are unpopular admissions in the adoption community. We wanted two more children, but did we did not think we could go through with a second adoption down the line, and it was cheaper to adopt two at once than to adopt two separately. Admitting this has prompted knee-jerk reactions from a few adoptive parents who have accused me of treating human beings like a commodity or have implied we are weak for being fearful of a second adoption process or not willing to make what they think is the required sacrifice.
The reality of our adoption process was that it was long, unpredictable and emotionally-draining. It was taking its toll on my sanity as I tried to stay on top of the paperwork and track the next steps in the process and avoid unnecessary delays. Even when unavoidable delays happened, I still felt like a failure. Managing the process and obsessing over planning for the future left less time for the family I already had and that made me sad. As unlikely as it would be for a “stable” adoption program like China's, I still worried that without notice, China would suddenly say no to our request to adopt or would shut down the whole program has happened in Russia, Vietnam, Guatemala and many other countries. Even if we completed one adoption from China, there was no guarantee we'd be able to adopt from China again in the future. I saw enough changes in the 20 months we were in process to question whether anyone could predict what the program will look like in the near future. Even if Chris and I mustered the stamina to pursue another adoption, I don't know if my in-laws could do it. The reality is that we wouldn't have been able to adopt if my in-laws hadn't taken care of Oliver and Soren. It was a lot to ask of them to take care of two young children for over three weeks while we were 14 time zones away. I didn’t think we could ask that of them again, but this time take care of three children.
The other factor that played into whether we would do two separate adoptions or two at once is something that no one really wants to admit plays a role - money. Adoption is expensive. There’s no way around that. Everyone who works to facilitate an adoption, whether in the U.S. or China, needs to get paid. My checkbook barely had a chance to cool down before another fee was due. And that was just for the adoption. We also had to travel to China. My jaw dropped when our agency informed us of our travel costs. Yes, the cost was higher because we were adopting two, and from different provinces, (our longer stay meant extra nights in a hotel, extra days of guides and additional meals in restaurants) but many of the costs, like plane tickets, were sunk costs.
The weeks and months following adoption can be really expensive too because of all the medical appointments. These expenses coincided with my paid leave running out a month after we got home from China. We anticipated this, planned accordingly and made it work. But it was still a financially difficult time to go for weeks without an income on the heels of a very expensive adoption. Now that we're finished building our family, I'm really relieved to be able to work back towards being more financially stable.
We didn't go into adoption unprepared and we didn't make the decision lightly to adopt two unrelated children. We took our trainings, read books, followed blogs and talked with other adoptive families, including those who have adopted two at once. Those families in particular didn't sugar-coat anything, but their stories also contained a lot of joy and no regret.
Most importantly, though, we thought about what worked for our family. Having four children so close in age sounds overwhelming to most people, but to us, it was comforting because we feel like experts in this age range because we've been living it every day.
Was it all worth it even though it was hard? Of course it was. I have Kiera and Matteo. Not just one of them, both of them. I can't imagine having only one of them and not the other. They both complete our family.
Just as I had imagined, I'm thankful they have each other. Matteo may have slept through our first meeting with Kiera and was unsure of what was going on when he woke up, but by the time we made it to the playground later that afternoon, he realized that his new sister was an awesome playmate and their relationship has remained strong ever since. Sometimes too strong. Rarely a night goes by that I don't hear them squealing with delight in their bedroom and jumping around the room after lights out.
I recognize that not everyone's adoption goes so seamlessly, whether they're adopting one or two, but in a community where our mantra is "prepare for the worst and hope for the best," I want to share a story that has turned out better than we could have hoped for.
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