St. Patrick's Day Flowers

Saint Patrick's Day is as special to me as my anniversary, because without St. Patrick's Day, there would be no wedding anniversary.  Chris and I met eight years ago today and I don't take for granted how lucky I am that I met him that night.  I'm in awe of how a night out with friends to celebrate St. Patrick's Day could turn into love I thought I might never find and create the family I'm so thankful for today. 

What also made today so sweet is that I got to see Chris's sentimental side.  I'm by far the more emotional and sentimental one in the pair, so just when I wonder if I'm crazy for being so nostalgic about the anniversary of "the day we met," a bouquet of flowers shows up at my office.  A bouquet with dyed-green carnations and an accompanying dyed-green carnation boutonniere, because, it's St. Patrick's Day after all.  Attached was a heart-felt note saying how glad he is he met me eight year ago and how he looks forward to more of the best years of his life. 

This Too Shall Pass - OK Go

If you want a great analogy of how perfectly sequenced I feel like the adoption process needs to be, take a look at OK Go's video for their song, "This Too Shall Pass."

A few stats about the video:

• Nearly 60 people worked on the project.
• Six months to create the video from conceptualization, with two months of planning and four months for design and filming.
• The machine was constructed in a two-story warehouse from over 700 household objects, and traversed an estimated half-mile course.
• More than 30 people were needed to help reset the machine after each run.
• It took more than 60 takes, over the course of two days, to get it right.

The paperwork in the adoption process needs to be as well-timed and perfectly executed as the elaborate Rube Goldberg machine featured in the band's video.  The home study is contingent upon a strict protocol of meetings with a social worker, medical exams and background checks from the local police department and possibly multiple states.  Immigration approval is contingent upon the home study.  The dossier is contingent upon immigration approval.  The dossier is shipped from home to agency, to Chinese Embassy, to agency and then is loaded on a plane to China.  If you're lucky, this whole process only requires few "takes."  And that's just go get our dossier to China.  We're still learning what's in store after we're matched. 

But as they say, this too shall pass.

Feverish Hallucinations

Soren is sick a lot, but luckily never with anything too serious.  He can spike some pretty high fevers, but even those don't make me panic like they used to.  When I put him to bed Sunday night, I was hoping he would get a good night's sleep after not napping that day and having a croup-like cough that had kept lingering. 

He fell asleep quickly, but peaceful sleeping didn't last long.  He woke up repeatedly and had difficulty falling back asleep.  He woke us up yet again in the middle of the night and when I checked on him, he clearly wanted to sleep, but couldn't.  He looked miserable. I bent down to kiss him and his feverish body stung my lips.  His temperature was 104.  Much to his dismay, I forced a dose of Ibuprofen into him, and then tried comforting him until the medicine could kick in and hopefully relieve him enough so he could sleep.

I tucked Soren back into bed and snuggled with him.  One of his soothing techniques is to grab the front of my shirt and pull me closer to him and I thought for sure he would settle down.  That's when he lost it.  He shrieked a horrible scream and shoved me away from him.  His eyes darted around the room in a panic and he recoiled in terror from I don't know what.  I simultaneously tried comforting him and figuring out what he just spooked him so badly.  How could he be so calm one moment and fly into a terrified rage in the blink of an eye?

After what felt like an eternity, but was probably only a few seconds, he calmed down and let me comfort him again.  The quiet didn't last long and he started shrieking again.  I was terrified as I watched him.  It was honestly like he was possessed. 

I carted him into our bedroom where the cycle continued of being uncomfortably sick, but still relatively calm, and morphing into a child who looked like the devil had taken him over.  Chris and I had no idea what to do and I was crying with fear and helplessness.  Finally accepting that something was really wrong, Chris and I started getting ready to go to the hospital.  And then Soren vomited on our bedroom floor.  I've never been so happy to see my child throw up.  It was like whatever had possessed him had left him and I had my Soren back.  His whole demeanor instantly changed.  He was still feverish, but not burning hot, and he was sick and tired, but calm as Chris and I cleaned him up.  He happily sipped on some juice and requested a snack, which I took as a good sign, even if he didn't eat it. 

I took both kids into the pediatrician the next day where Oliver was diagnosed with an ear infection and Soren with a double ear infection and croup.  I recounted the events of the night before and the pediatrician explained Soren's episodes were just fever-induced hallucinations.  It was a relief to learn that this is "normal," however terrifying for a parent. 

Cross-Country Skiing

Since Chris got to share his love of downhill skiing with Oliver earlier this winter, I was so excited to finally get him on cross-country skis. I feel like teaching him the sport of nordic skiing is his Minnesota birthright.  

A balmy Sunday afternoon (temps hit the mid-40s!) was the perfect time to get Oliver out of the house during Soren's nap time.  We met up with two of my friends and their kids at the Hyland Lake Park Reserve just south of Minneapolis.  The park has rentals and groomed trails with terrain gentle enough for beginners.   

So far so good....

This is what March looks like in Minnesota...snow-covered.

As the most experienced skier in the group, I realized everyone was looking to me to teach a bunch of four- and five-year-olds how to ski.  Our group shuffled on skis to the head of the trail.  Oliver chose the skiing equivalent of jumping off the deep end by insisting we go down a hill.  A couple feet down the trail, five of the six people in our party were lying on the snow in a tangled mess of skis and poles.  I wish we had a picture of that spectacle! And five of the six were still smiling and laughing.  Unfortunately, Oliver was not one of them.  

It turned out I didn't need to do much teaching.  Oliver wouldn't listen to me anyway and my friend's daughter Noelle happily took a few pointers (Bend your knees and lean forward!) before she was off down the hill and skiing towards the woods with our other friend's daughter in a determined pursuit. At least someone's kid was having fun!

Meanwhile, my son was in tears and wanted to go back to the lodge, where I think he thought he was going to get a hot chocolate.  So after only 20 yards onto the trail, we turned back.  Out of all the reasons he gave for why he didn't want to ski, his boots not fitting correctly was the only I had a chance at fixing.  So I exchanged his skis and boots for the toddler skis with the bindings that fit over his regular shoes and he reluctantly (very reluctantly) agreed to try skiing again for five minutes.  We held hands as we every so slowly skied back the same 20 yards we had tried before and although Oliver insisted he was not having fun, at least he wasn't crying anymore.

Proud of Oliver that he'd at least given skiing a second try, I was ready to hang out in the lodge having a snack while we waiting for the others to return.  Then I remembered the pulk sled for rent I'd seen at the ski rental desk.  Oliver likes riding in the stroller and bike trailer, so I was hoping he'd want to chill out in the sled while I pulled him on skis. 

The pulk sled salvaged our afternoon. That was $6 well spent! Oliver was happy to not be skiing and I put in the best workout on skis I've ever had pulling 40+ pounds.  It was a win-win. 

Noelle is actually the one riding in the sled in this picture.  When we got back to the lodge, the other kids wanted to give it a try.

When we got home, I discovered Oliver had a fever and he complained his ear hurt.  I felt so guilty for dragging a sick kid out skiing.  It turned out the poor little guy really wasn't feeling well.  Yet maybe that's why he didn't like skiing.  It just wasn't a good day for him.  There's hope for my nordic skier after all. 

Thinking More Seriously About Parental Leave

My meeting with HR to discuss options for parental leave revealed good news and bad news.  The good news is that per my union contract, I'm allowed to take six months of leave, and with manager's approval, I can take a year.  Anyone familiar with the inadequacy of parental leave policies in the United States will know it's rare to have this much guaranteed time off - with your job protected.  Of course there's a catch.

The bad news is not just that the time is unpaid, (unless I use vacation and sick leave, of which I only have about six weeks) but that my health insurance is only covered by my company during the 12 weeks of FMLA, as required by law.  After that point, the union-negotiated, unpaid Parental Leave applies for the next three months and I will be responsible for the entire cost of my family's medical insurance, which is about $1,500 a month.  My HR rep said that for this reason alone, very few employees take leave beyond what's covered by FMLA.

I carry our family's health insurance, which is a blessing, because I have access to a plan with low premiums, wide coverage and low deductibles and out-of-pocket costs.  I estimate that my hospitalization in May would have cost us at least $2,000 - $3,000 under Chris's insurance, but "only" $700 with mine.  With two kids already and a third whose "minor and correctable" need could require surgery, health insurance is a serious consideration.

I'm thankful for the 12 weeks of FMLA I qualify for and that it'll most likely be financially feasible to utilize every last hour of that leave, but I worry it won't be enough time.  I have no idea what needs our child will have, not just medically, but also from an attachment standpoint.  Will the nine weeks or so left of FMLA after we return from China be enough bonding time with our son?  Will he be ready so soon after meeting his new family to transition to full-time daycare or even a nanny?

Chris and I have a lot of time before we need to make a decision about parental leave.  And once we are matched, we'll hopefully have a better idea of our child's medical needs, which could assuage one part of my worry about adequate leave. 

Facebook Official

Although I tell everyone I meet about our adoption and have been very open about our journey, like many milestones that occur in the Facebook era, making news of our adoption "Facebook official" was the pinnacle of public announcements.  Since people know we are pursuing adoption, I was not expecting the outpouring of support my post received.  I got more "likes" on this single status update than I thought I had "friends." I think I received more responses than when I announced Oliver's and Soren's births.  In a process that is filled with so much excitement and anticipation, but also trepidations and unknowns, having support from so many people is uplifting.  I am so thankful for how excited they are for our family and how much they care.

Standing Up to Hurtful Adoption Comments

It's people like Kim Kelley-Wagner, who one parent at a time, are helping to make the world a more welcoming place for adoptees and their families.  Kim has two daughters, both adopted from China, and she started receiving hurtful comments made about her family from the time she brought her first child home.  They ranged from the misguided, "It is so nice of your mom to save you" to rude, "How much did she cost?" to the downright racist, "Why would you bring more immigrants into our country?"

The article "Mom's Photo Series Spotlights Racist Comments Directed at Daughters" reports on how Kim used photos posted on Facebook to call people out on their hurtful comments.  You can see the full photo gallery by clicking on the link in the article or going directly to Kim' Facebook page, "Things said to or about my adopted daughters...  And before anyone gets his or her undies in a bunch with accusations about Kim exploiting her daughters, she took on this project with their full consent and participation.  These are real comments her daughters have endured their entire lives and their mother gave them a platform to stand up for themselves. 

The photos hit home for me.  Even though we haven't adopted yet, I have already heard a bunch of these comments, or variations, when talking with friends, family and co-workers about adoption.  Many people haven't learned how to talk about adoption in a respectful way and therefore resort to talking about our future child's "real" family or they perpetuate uneducated beliefs about why children are abandoned (they hate girls, they don't like babies, their parents didn't love them enough to keep them...).  Sadly, in adopting a boy from China, I can only add to Kim's photo gallery.  Otherwise well-meaning people have made comments to me like, "I thought they only hate girls in China" or "I thought they only gave away their girls."

I don't share Kim's photos with the purpose of chastising, but rather in desperate hope that I can spare my children the comments that have been so pervasive in Kim's daughters' lives.