Surprise from Fuyang!

One of the hardest parts about the wait is not knowing how our children are doing or even what they currently look like.  When we first saw Matteo's face in May, we were looking at the picture of a chubby toddler taken months before.  We got a brief update on him right before we matched and we've had virtually zero information since then.  Our agency hasn't been able to get an update and neither had the third-party courier we sent a care package through.  The care packages were delivered, but the courier reported that the orphanages weren't being quick to cooperate with providing updates.  I'd given up on any updates until a little over a week ago, when I decided to give another courier a try.  In addition to sending care packages, Ladybugs and Love From Above will also call orphanages and request pictures and updates.  Even though they have a good success rate, if the other service hadn't been successful, maybe the orphanages really were being tight-lipped. 

Weekends (and holidays) can be a lonely time in the adoption world because us parents still waiting to meet our children know we won't receive any news while agencies are closed.  Whatever hope we had for an approval on a step in the process or an update on our children disappears by Friday morning (since China offices are already closed for the weekend by that point) and doesn't reappear until Monday morning.  So I was shocked to get an e-mail today from an "Angela" with the subject line "Yang Chen Tao."  It was an update on Matteo!

It sounds like he's doing really well, which of course, is a relief. Although his palate has not been repaired, the update reports that his speech is "clear and understandable".  He's starting to talk and he likes to ride his bike and play with his toy excavator.  Whoever wrote the update described him as "introverted and playful."

Along with the update we got six pictures, all of which are very precious to us.  They were taken in the last week at what I assume is his foster home.  Chris the cyclist was thrilled to see pictures of Matteo "repairing" his bike.

Look at that big grin!  This is the first time we've ever seen Matteo smile.

I had asked about Matteo's foster family and was told that he lives with his foster parents and an older brother and sister, plus younger foster brothers and sisters from the orphanage.  He looks happy and well-loved and there's a part of me that feels guilty knowing that we are going to take him away from everything he knows and loves.  The facts tell me that he needs continued medical care, that he can't stay with his foster family past age 14 and that he needs the guarantees in life that a forever family provides - but my heart still hurts knowing I will be the one to take him away from the life as he knew it.

People ask me if he knows he's going to be adopted and frankly, I have no idea.  I don't know what he's been told and whether he's even seen the pictures we sent him of his new family.  I don't know what he or his foster family thinks of us.  But no matter what he's been told, he's not even two and a half, so how much can he possibly understand anyway?

What Would Have Been a 66th Birthday

Today would have been my mom's 66th birthday.  In the days after her death, I tried to write down stories about my mom for her memorial service and what I thought would come so easily to me didn't.  I couldn't recall any particular words of wisdom she had told me.  I couldn't remember what her hopes and dreams for me or herself had been or if she ever even told me what they were.  I wanted to honor what my mom would have wanted, yet I couldn't even remember what our last conversation had been about.  I had twenty-seven years of memories and I was failing to find meaning in any of them.

Although I struggled to find the right words to share on the day of my mom's memorial service, I've learned in the years that followed that the meaning of my memories of her will reveal themselves over time.

I always knew I wanted to adopt, but hadn't thought beyond that, so I never dreamed that I would one day adopt a child (let alone two!) from China.  I feel comforted knowing that my mom would have been thrilled that Chris and I are adopting from China because I remember her conversation with a relative about it.  Whereas a lot of adoptive parents face criticism and scrutiny of their decisions by their own family members, based on that conversation, I know my mom supported both adoption and inter-racial adoption.  Like a lot of people, there would have been a steep learning curve about special needs adoption and boys needing families as much as girls, but I know she would have quickly become one of our biggest supporters and gone on to do things like organize fundraisers to support Chinese orphanages.

Shortly after my mom's death, I was helping my grandmother clear out her home in preparation to move into assisted living.  My mom had been an only child and when she died, helping my grandmother fell to me.  My grandmother dug through a desk drawer and pulled out a case with an old bottle and other supplies she had used to feed my mother, who had been born with a cleft palate.  I remember wondering why on earth my grandmother had saved this equipment for six decades (and through at least two moves) and why she felt the need to show me.  At the time I wasn't even interested because I was under so much pressure to pack up a house worth of stuff. Of course I had no idea that I, too, would someday have a child with a cleft palate.

I had grown up knowing that one form or another of the name Susannah had been passed down the maternal line for generations.  But when Chris and I decided to adopt from China, I assumed I was going to remain a mom of all boys.  I would have been one very proud mom, but with just one regret - not being able to continue a family tradition.  I had found an old letter from my mom and she stated, very out of the blue, that if I ever had a daughter, she hoped I'd give her the name Susannah. I was shocked more than anyone to be matched with a girl.  I know my mom would have been so excited - to update her genealogy records.  One more Susannah in the maternal line, birthplace, Shenzhen, China. 

I Hope You Never Forget You Are Loved

My co-workers threw an adoption shower for Chris and me and I was taken aback by their generosity and care for Kiera and Matteo.  They want to see them home just as much as we do.  I feel fortunate that we've been surrounded by so much love and support during this adoption and that I've felt I've been able to share our experience so candidly.  At the party were the people who have always had time to listen to me vent or share my worries, who have shrieked with delight at seeing Kiera's and Matteo's referral pictures for the first time and who have talked adoption with me on a very long car ride and back on a business trip. This wait has been hard and the shower was exactly what I needed, which was a fun distraction from the frustration of more paperwork, set-backs and my overall worry, as well as a reminder of how much my entire family is supported.

My co-worker Laura made this ridiculously cute panda bear cake.

We spent the evening enjoying good food, strong cocktails and of course that delicious panda bear cake.  I caught up with co-workers and then Chris and I opened gifts, which ranged from children's books of Chinese folk tales to hand-me-downs for Kiera from a friend who knows we have zero girls clothes.  No shower would be a shower without a silly game, where we had to identify the language "baby" was written in.  Chris got them all right!  I was just thankful I got 宝宝 correct, which is, you guessed it, baby in Chinese.

For the final activity, our host handed out sheets of paper titled "Wishes for Baby".  On it we had to finish sentences that began with "I hope you love....", "I hope you laugh...." and so on. Some made us laugh out loud.  Others brought tears to my eyes. Either way, my heart was full by the time everyone's contributions were read out loud.

Here's a sampling:

I hope that you love your new family.
I hope you aren't afraid of dogs.
I hope you love Minnesota winters.
I hope you get a room of your own someday.
I hope you laugh until your belly aches.
I hope you never forget China.
I hope you ignore insensitive people.
I hope you become strong and secure.
I hope you respect yourself.
I hope you grow up to be a leader.

The line that summed up all our wishes for Kiera and Matt was simply, "I hope you never forget you are loved."

Winter is Here

One day we were on the beach in New Jersey basking in the sun on an unseasonably warm fall day and the next day our plane touched down in snowy Minnesota.  We were only away for four days, but in that time, fall slipped away.  Which was sad, because it was the most beautiful fall I've experienced in the eleven years I've lived here and suddenly it was gone. Although it is usually quite cold here in November, it's still rare for us to have snow at this time of year.  Regardless of the date on the calendar, we had several inches of snow on the ground and a forecast of sub-freezing temperatures for the foreseeable future.  Whether we liked it or not, winter had officially arrived.

In support of my children who are thrilled about the snow, (and our au pair who is curious about whether a Minnesota winter will live up to the legend) I'm trying to embrace winter.  I feel like I shouldn't complain since winter used to be my favorite season.  But as an adult and parent with real responsibilities, like getting to work on time and dressing uncooperative kids in multiple layers of clothing, winter can be cumbersome. Nonetheless, although yesterday's temperature topped out at about 25 degrees, it was sunny and the few inches of snow we had received on Saturday had refreshed the beauty of our white landscape.  And I began to feel guilty about wasting a perfectly good Sunday afternoon indoors.  So I announced we were going for a walk in the woods.  (It helped that I had run into a friend at Target that morning who agreed to embrace winter alongside me.)

We met at Fort Snelling State Park, which is an overlooked state park wedged between Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport and the border of St. Paul where we live.  Except for the planes flying overhead (which we didn't see many of despite our proximity to the airport) and a view of a highway bridge in the distance, I found it otherwise unbelievable that we were in a forest practically in the middle of the city.  

At the park we pulled the sleds out of the car and loaded them up with blankets and the kids and set out on foot towards Pine Island, which has a couple of loop trails and views of the river.  Other than the occasional hikers, a couple walking five little dogs in brightly colored sweaters and dog booties and two cross country skiers undeterred by the ungroomed trails, it felt like we had the park to ourselves. 

We hiked for quite a ways with the kids happily gliding along behind us in the sleds.  Although it was hard work pulling almost 70 pounds, I appreciated both the workout and staying warm despite the temperatures in the high teens.  The sleds were a good idea because I wonder if we would have even made it to the trail head before one the kids started complaining.

Oliver and Noelle had a blast being pulled in the sled.

We stopped the sleds so the kids could move around and we slid down the bluff to explore the river's edge. It was the perfect afternoon and I was reluctant to turn back until my hiking partner, Dawn, reminded me that we should quit while we're ahead.  In her experience, the kids go from happy to FINISHED with the whole experience with no warning.  

Dawn and her daughter Noelle

 Either she jinxed us or she was right on, because Soren started crying as I was trying to get he and Oliver situated in the sled.  Dawn let Oliver ride in Noelle's sled so that I could zip Soren in the stroller cover I had brought to double as a sled blanket.  He didn't like riding flat on his back, (and let us know with more hysterical crying) so I wedged my backpack behind him so he'd be resting on an incline. 

 

With Soren finally semi-comfortable, we pulled the sleds quickly back to the visitors center where we noshed on the snacks we had brought.  The warm building and some food definitely lifted everyone's mood.   

A simple walk in the woods was surely more complicated accounting for the kids, but it was worth it to be able to spend a frosty early winter afternoon with them under a canopy of trees covered with snow. 

Please Smile for the Camera

My kids and husband strongly dislike having their picture taken, which drives me nuts because I like photographing them and it's no fun when I have such beautiful subjects who turn their heads or suddenly look pained as soon as the camera comes out.  It also makes me sad because I take these pictures knowing that we'll be thankful to have them to look back on someday.  Despite how difficult my family makes it on me, I tote my camera along and try to capture moments of our lives.  If I know ahead of time there's potential for a photo op, I preemptively make a plea for "just one nice family photo."  When asking nicely hasn't worked, I've resorted to threats of making everyone pose for pictures for as long as it takes to get one where everyone is looking at the camera with a normal-looking smile.  Not surprisingly, that often doesn't work either.

I don't know if I've just worn my husband down or he has come around to believing that documenting our family on camera is a gift everyone will appreciate years down the road, but recently he's been cooperating for photographs.  And he evens tries to wrangle the kids into compliance.

Oliver, we learned, responds well to bribes.  In this Mother's Day' photo, Chris told the kids they'd get a cookie if they smiled nicely in a photo with Mom.  Oliver immediately complied, but not even a cookie was going to get Soren to look at the camera, or even stand next to me.  Which is why I have that death grip on his hand...

More recently, I was visiting family back in New Jersey when I drove with the kids to the Jersey Shore for an afternoon.  When it was time to leave, I wanted just one picture of me with my boys after such a beautiful afternoon spent together on the beach.  A passerby on the boardwalk offered to take the picture and she tried coaxing Soren to look at the camera.  He refused and he pouted to drive his point home that he wanted no part of this mini photo session. 

Then I remembered the chocolates my grandmother had given me the day before to give to the kids.  Since they'd already had plenty of sweets that day, I tucked them in a pocket in my purse.  Barely breaking my smile, I whispered to Soren, "I'll give you a piece of chocolate if you smile."

Letter Seeking Confirmation

Our long-awaited "letters seeking confirmation" (also referred to as a "letter of acceptance" or LOA) arrived yesterday, one for each child.  The letters written in Chinese and English asked if we accept the referral.  Since a simple check mark next to the statement about accepting the referral of the adoptee was all that was needed (and nothing more), I resisted the urge to circle and highlight the statement to make sure it was clear that, yes, WE ACCEPT!  We said yes back in May, we're saying yes now and we'll say yes again in February when we finalize our children's adoptions in China. 

China Said Yes!

Our “letter of acceptance” from China arrived yesterday at our agency in Texas.  This is our proof that China said yes!  After a very, very long wait (129 days to be exact), the China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA) approved our application to adopt.  And with that approval, we are finally allowed to share our children with the world.

We are delighted to introduce to you our daughter, Kiera Susannah Jieyu Chesla, and son, Matteo Chentao Partenheimer Chesla.

Kiera

Kiera was born on March 12, 2012 in Shenzhen, which is in Guangdong province.  She’s five months younger than Soren, and will most likely be in the same grade.  In the adoption community, kids closer than nine months in age to each other are called "virtual twins."  I've always wanted twins, but I never imagined I'd have twins in this sense.  

These are the first pictures we ever saw of Kiera!  She's probably around 19 or 20 months old in these pictures.

The orphanage staff named Kiera Jie Yu, which is pronounced sort of like Jeh Ew.  We had thought about the name Kieran for a boy, so when ended up with a little girl, Kiera was a natural alternative.  And Susannah (or some variation of it) has been passed down for generations in the maternal line of my family.  My middle name is Susannah, my mom's cousin is Susan, my grandmother was Suzanne and it continues up the line.  My mom had made it known that if I ever had a girl, she hoped I would carry on this naming tradition. 

Kiera lived for awhile in an orphanage in Shenzhen, but is now living with a foster family who lives near the orphanage.  She still visits the orphanage most days so that she can play in the playroom with other children.  Although we know nothing about her foster family, kids thrive much better in these (albeit temporary) family environments than in an institution, so we are thankful for the change in living situation. 

Kiera was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, but so far, the doctors who reviewed her file haven't been able to see any evidence of it.  She doesn't appear to have any physical limitations, but it remains to be seen whether she was misdiagnosed or not. Based on her picture, we suspect she has ptosis of her left eye, which our doctor said is mostly a cosmetic issue and surgery should fix.  But again, until we meet her and have her evaluated, there are so many unknowns.

We don't know much about what kind of kid Kiera is except that she likes all toys and games (what kid doesn't?) and that she's quiet and introverted, but has reportedly come out of her shell a bit since living with her foster family. 

Matteo 

Matteo "Matt" Chentao Partenheimer Chesla was born on September 30, 2012 in Fuyang City in Anhui province.  At only six months younger than Kiera, he and Kiera are also considered virtual twins!  (And since Kiera is a "virtual twin" to Soren, I'm not sure if that means that Chris and I technically have "virtual triplets"...)  However, because of his fall birthday, he'll end up in the grade behind her in school.  

And these are the first pictures we ever saw of Matteo!  The Chinese bundle their babies up!  I'm guessing these pictures were taken in the late fall or early winter and it's very cold where Matteo lives.  He's probably around 15 or 16 months old in these pictures.

Matt was named Chen Tao by the orphanage staff.  According to his file, his name "represents the good wishes that he will live freely and happily like a dragon under the sunshine."  It’s a fitting name given that he was born in the year of the dragon.  

Other than when Matt went to a "healing home" to prepare for and recover from surgery, he has lived with a foster family in Fuyang.  We know nothing about his foster family, but he's reportedly close to his foster mother and we were ecstatic to see that he appears very well fed!  

Like his sister, we knew we would keep Matt’s Chinese name as his middle name, but we wanted to choose a new first name for him.  The problem is that Chris and I have a heck of a time agreeing on names!  In a case of Facebook serendipity, I met an adoptive mother (from Minnesota no less!) who volunteers for Love Without Boundaries stateside.  Love Without Boundaries works in Matt's orphanage, sponsored his surgery in China and currently sponsors his foster family. When she found out Matt was at an orphanage supported by Love Without Boundaries, she told me that if I sent her his picture and Chinese name, she'd let the volunteer coordinator in Fuyang know that Matt has a family coming for him.  When I sent her the information, she wrote back, "I know him!  That's Matt!"  Because the Chinese government does not let anyone working with orphans to post their Chinese names and other identifying information, Love Without Boundaries gives the children in their care nicknames and Matt just happens to be what they called him.  My contact on Facebook suggested I search the Love Without Boundaries website to see if I could find any pictures of our little boy because the organization often posts pictures of the kids in their programs.  I immediately typed "Matt" into the search box on their website and a post about "Smiling Matt" was the first to pop up.  (I hope reading that post leaves you smiling as much as Chris and I were.  When we have so little information about our adoptive children's early lives, we were relieved to learn that he's been so loved and well-cared for.)

At this point, Chris and I were still debating names, but after reading the blog post, we realized that the only name we both liked was Matt. Since there are already two Matthew Cheslas in the family, we went for the Italian, Matteo. 

As you can see from his pictures, Matt was born with cleft lip and palate.  He had a very successful surgery on his lip at five months of age, but will need to have surgery on his palate shortly after he comes home.  Like most children with corrected cleft lip and palate, he will most likely need speech therapy.  

Every time I look at Matt's referral pictures, I laugh.  I think this kid is going to keep us on our toes!  His file described him as "cheerful and cute", active, energetic and extroverted. 

What's next?

Everyone wants to know when we get to go to China, but the answer is that it'll still be awhile.  I would have gotten on a plane last May when I first saw their faces if I could have.  Instead, we'll have to wait until possibly February 1 before we can fly over there.  We still have a lot of paperwork to complete, mostly for the U.S. side of things, and then of course, there are a lot of travel arrangements to make.  Over the course of a two-to-three-week trip, we'll travel from northern China to the south and spend time in three different provinces.  So it'll take about another 10 weeks to get all this squared away.